


If You Needed Me

by lyrical_pen



Series: Winchester/Chambers stories [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Chick-Flick Moments, Dean Winchester Has a Chick-Flick Moment, Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, Declarations Of Love, Demonic Possession, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Explicit Language, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Funny Dean Winchester, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Sexual Content, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, POV Original Female Character, Protective Dean Winchester, Romance, Sarcasm, Sweet Dean Winchester, Tender Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:42:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 105,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28440333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyrical_pen/pseuds/lyrical_pen
Summary: A follow up that reunites Dean Winchester with Manda Chambers after some time apart. It's been a few months since they've seen each other, they have a sort of arrangement thing, and Dean has been trying to call her for a week but getting no answer. Turns out Manda was possessed and once she's not, she's not letting him know about it, or that there's still something going on with her. The scars she got on a job shortly after first meeting him started acting up right around the time she became possessed. She could use his help but doesn't want to ask. When he does find out, Dean and Sam rush out to see Manda to find out what happened or how they can help her. However, it quickly becomes clear her painful past has caught up with her, and that the demon that killed her parents years ago is back and looking to settle the score.Dean wants to save Manda, actually he needs to, when in the middle of it all he's falling faster and harder for the female hunter who is torn between needing him and pushing him away in her time of peril. But can he? Or will Dean and Manda find out once again why hunters shouldn't form attachments, and how falling in love, especially with another hunter, comes at the highest cost?
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Winchester/Chambers stories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2083227
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this back in 2009, and while it's going to get a little edited for errors, and the like, that I neglected back then as I transfer it to this site, you can still find the whole completed original version over at fanfiction.net/s/4951429  
> Still set somewhere in season 4 as it picks up a few months after the first story.  
> Important note as always: Sam and Dean are **not** my characters/creations. Hopefully, as a fan I have managed to do right by them in these written just for fun stories.  
> Enjoy! Thanks for reading. Feedback welcome.

Dean disconnected his call and tossed the phone on the table in front of him.  
It had been a long week. Sam was getting on his nerves, this last job had been exhausting, he was just tired of things once again, and right now he had wanted to hear a familiar, friendly voice and laugh.  
He hadn't talked to Manda in almost a month now. They had played a little game of phone tag during that time with two or three _"just wanted to talk"_ voice mail messages, and a few random _"this job blows harder than an old cheap hooker"_ type texts, but that was it. When one called the other, they just hadn't been able to catch the calls.  
Dean was feeling fed up tonight and he wanted to talk to her. Manda had this way of knowing what he needed to hear at times. Whether it was when to be serious with him or when to just keep hammering away with the jokes and sarcastic remarks or when to distract him from the crap life was giving him at that moment,. She just knew which it was and what to give him. Right now he just needed a little bit of their joking around, a little teasing that suggested more, and maybe to hear the _"lonely, miss you, come meet me"_ line he hoped she would eventually say.  
He had called her hoping she would answer, but she didn't. Dean wasn't waiting by the phone either because he knew it was impossible for either of them to pick up the phone sometimes, but he would keep it on and within reach tonight just in case.  
But it never went off and soon night turned into morning, and Dean figured that it was normal. She'd call back in another few days anyway. That was their arrangement after all. If one of them left a _"call me"_ message then the other had to call back within three days, five at the most. It was just sort of a way to check in with each other, because whether Dean wanted to admit it or not, he worried a little when too much time passed and there was no word from her.  
Most of the time Manda didn't call, she'd just send him a text that said something funny or naughty to make him laugh. He didn't call her too often either, because it's not like they were committed to each other or even dating. It was just that they were what they were.  
There was a connection between them, and once they had stopped denying it a little over four months ago it had turned in to a fair-weather relationship of sorts. When they were together – they were together, and when they weren't – they weren't. Maybe it wasn't exactly the way either of them really wanted it to be, but it seemed to work for them this way.  
There were no real expectations or promises, and neither was going to press for anything more than the other could offer. Dean wanted a little more at times and he knew she did too, but for some reason neither of them would ask for it.  
The last time they'd seen each other was for two days around three months ago. Dean still remembered them because they were pretty hard to forget. They had just slipped back into the sort of thing they'd had for three days a month before that, and it had been just as good if not better.  
Now it was three months and a bit later, and they hadn't talked in about month. Dean missed her, but he wouldn't say it out loud. He knew that Manda would call him back later or in a few days though, she always did. Then they could talk and maybe try to arrange to meet somewhere. At least he hoped that's how it would go, because the more that he thought about it, he didn't just want to talk to her, he wanted to see her again too.  
It'd been too long now, and both of them could probably use a little rest from the road and some time with each other.

[ - ]

The sound of a musical ringtone woke Manda. She recognized it as her phone and not a radio or something else after a few seconds as it went off from somewhere above her head.  
She was disoriented, and now wondering what she was doing sprawled across the front seats of her car. It wasn't very comfortable either, her neck was stiff and there was a seatbelt buckle digging into her ribs.  
Manda sat up slowly and then reached out to grab the phone from the dash. She froze before her hand made it there as she saw her hand was covered in dried blood.  
Her phone went off a few more times and then stopped. She hadn't moved for what felt like an eternity, but was only a minute or two as she wondered what the hell had happened.  
She raised her other hand and found the same thing, more dried blood. She looked down, saw the blood stains on her clothes and began to freak out.  
Her phone chimed with the notification of a voice mail message.  
Manda began checking herself for injuries, but there was nothing. She felt no pain anywhere besides the stiff neck from sleeping across the seats either. She tried to troll her memory for what had happened.  
The last thing she remembered was driving away from yet another crappy motel.  
Manda hadn't bothered to look out of the windows yet, and she panicked a little more realizing she had no idea where she was. Her eyes wanted to look, but she wasn't sure she could. None of this made sense, but Manda knew she had to know where she was.  
Her gaze lifted to the windshield and her mouth dropped open. She was parked in front of a house, her house. The one she rarely ever came to, the one that held the ghosts and echoes of her past.  
Manda wondered how she got here and why she was here, but nothing was coming to her. She didn't even know what day it was it, never mind why the hell she'd come home.  
Her hand reached for the phone finally, and she ignored the missed calls and messages waiting alerts on the screen as she searched for the date.  
As she read it, Manda stared in disbelief. It had been eight days since she'd left the last crappy motel after wrapping up a job.  
Ignoring the alerts still, she grabbed her keys out of the ignition and got out of the car, thankful that her nearest neighbours were across the street and too far away to see her.  
Manda walked up to the door, put the key in the lock, and then opened the door to her past. The home she'd sort of grown up in here and there, where she'd mostly been trained to be a hunter, and where she had been living when her parents had been murdered by a demon.  
Manda didn't like to come here often, but she could never bring herself to get rid of the place. It had belonged to her grandparents, then her parents, and it held a lot of her history.  
It always made her a bit uneasy to be here, but now that she was panicking over a good chunk of lost time, it was somewhat comforting. Home was where she should be while she tried to figure out what the hell had happened to her in eight missing days, and why she was covered in blood that didn't appear to her own.

[ - ]

Dean cursed as he put his phone back in his pocket while he waited for Sam to come out of a fast food joint with something for them to eat.  
It had been six days since he had called Manda, and she still hadn't called him back. She always made the three day mark, had never let it go over that whenever he had called her in the past four months actually.  
He felt a little on edge when the three days had gone by, but figured she was probably caught up in a8 job because that happened. Even then she'd just send him a quick message that would say something like _"talk soon"_ though.  
Then the fifth day came and went, and the worry had started to sink in that maybe something had happened since there had been no return message or call.  
Now it was the middle of day six and Dean swore something was wrong. Her phone just rang and rang and rang until the voice mail kicked in after awhile. He had no idea where she was, what kind of job she was on, or what was keeping her from getting back to him.  
Dean had known something like this would eventually happen, and now he had no idea what to do. He knew he couldn't protect Manda when they weren't together, and even though she was capable of taking care of herself, there was always the chance that things just went wrong.  
Sam came back with the food and got in the car then.  
Dean took a bag from Sam, helped himself, and then pulled the car out of the lot.  
"Don't get mad at me 'cause you didn't remind me to order the extra onions," Sam said as Dean started to eat.  
Dean didn't say anything, just looked at Sam annoyed.  
"You want to tell me what's going on? Usually you'd give me crap for that." Sam laughed a little.  
"Nothing," Dean mumbled as he chewed.  
Sam looked at his brother weirdly for a moment, he knew something was going on but he didn't know what. Sometimes Dean just was that way with him, but the past few days he'd been a bit odd. Sam wasn't going to press him yet though. "All right."  
Dean flicked on the stereo and let some music fill the silence as they ate and watched the lines on the road.  
It'd been awhile since either brother had said anything. Dean just focused on the road and listened to the music, and Sam sat there playing around on his phone and wondering what was going on with his brother.  
"Need me to drive yet?" Sam finally asked. Dean had done most of the driving today and yesterday, and eventually he'd have to take over, but it seemed his older brother was intent on sticking behind the wheel.  
"No," Dean answered. He needed to drive right now. It offered a distraction he could use as he tried not to worry and pull out his phone again.  
Sam just nodded.  
Dean turned up the music a little louder and watched the lines keep fading and coming.  
Two or three hours later he finally pulled the Impala over on the side of the road. "Your turn," he said as he tapped a half asleep Sam in the arm.  
Sam woke up and yawned. "Sure."  
The brothers got out to switch spots. Sam took a moment to stretch before he got back in the car while Dean just got in and settled into the passenger's seat.  
Sam got back in, and then watched Dean pull his phone out of his pocket to check it.  
"Dude, you'd think you were waiting for an invite to the Playboy mansion the way you've been looking at that thing the past few days." Sam had noticed it, the way Dean kept it out more than he usually did.  
He smirked a little at the thought of waiting for that kind of invite. "How about a road trip? We could be there in another day or so. Bunnies, Hef, robes… what do you say, Sammy?" Dean joked. He'd been quiet for too long and Sam was catching on.  
Sam scoffed. "Dean, you've been checking your phone on and off for three days. You want to tell me what's going on?"  
Dean didn't want to say anything, but he knew he had to sooner or later. "It's just… it's Manda."  
"What about her?" Sam hadn't heard Dean mention her in awhile. He had even begun to wonder if they were still talking to each other. But now it made sense to him, she knew how to get to Dean in a good way or a bad one.  
"She's not checking in." Dean had hidden the worry in his voice, but he was sure Sam knew it was there anyway.  
"Are you still pretending that's what it is?" Sam knew his brother and Manda had some sort of thing, but he wasn't sure exactly what it was. Whatever it was though, he knew it had the rules of the road thing to it because he knew Dean had picked up a girl or two in the last three months since he'd seen her.  
"That is what it is," Dean sighed. Maybe he was lying to himself about why he checked in on her, made her check in back, but that's what it was for them. Their agreement had left it that way – check in with each other, stay in touch, and to see each other whenever was good for both of them.  
"Sure it is." Sam had seen the way they were with each other, how Dean looked at her. He also saw the way Dean grinned at his phone sometimes when it went off or when he got off it other times. He didn't understand them or why they didn't try to have something more stable with each other, but he wouldn't ask. It's not like Dean was going to talk about it with him anyway.  
"It is," Dean's tone was firm as he said it.  
"You love her or something close enough to that, so why don't you just say it already? It's more than just getting her to check in with you." Sam knew that's what it was, but had no idea why Dean wouldn't just admit it.  
Dean wasn't going to say it to Sam. He had never said it to Manda either, maybe she had figured it out, but he had never told her the words. "It's been six days, Sam, and she never waits this long. It's not like her to not to call back."  
"Any idea what she was working on last? Or where?" Sam knew Dean was worried, but that he wouldn't say it. This was Manda they were talking about, and it was becoming clearer to Sam that she meant more to Dean than he would say out loud.  
"No, just that it sucked… and that was about two weeks ago," Dean said as he found the message on his phone. It was still there, he hadn't erased it yet.  
"I'm sure she'll turn up sooner or later. She could be working a tough job, or somewhere without cell service ,or maybe she lost her phone. And she can take care of herself, Dean, you know that." Sam didn't know what to offer his brother as reassurance. He needed something, but what could Sam say to him? Dean was going to be this way until he heard from her and knew she was okay.  
"Her phone just rings and rings until her voice mail picks up. If she lost it, it'd be dead by now. But you could be right about the job or the service," Dean said. He wanted to believe it, but he didn't. This wasn't like her at all. Something had happened to her, he could feel it.  
"I could call Church, ask if she knows where Manda is," Sam put the offer out there. It was possible that Church knew where she was, they were friends after all and sometimes hunted together.  
"I'll give her a few more days. I know how sometimes a job runs a little longer, especially when you're working it alone. That's probably all it is." Dean downplayed it more now as he thought about why he hadn't thought to call Church himself. He'd do that tomorrow sometime when Sam wasn't around.  
"Yeah," Sam said. He knew Dean was attempting to mask his concern now.  
Dean didn't say anything else, just closed his eyes and tried to sleep. It didn't take long either. He was tired even if he was worried, and all that did was make him even more tired the more he thought about where Manda Chambers was and what could have happened to her.


	2. Chapter 2

Manda had heard a familiar ringtone go off on her phone earlier, one that had been assigned to only one person in her phone. Usually she'd laugh and smile when she heard it, but she had been ignoring it the past few days. She knew who it was and why he was calling. He'd already left a few messages.  
The screen held words _"1 new voice message"_ on it, so she dialled her inbox.  
 _"Damn it, Manda, pick up! Where the hell are you? You need to check in with me. Call when you get this. Let me know where you are, if you need anything, that you're okay."_  
She froze at hearing the strained and protective tones in Dean's voice.  
The first time he had called was eight days ago, that had been the second day of her missing eight. This was now his fourth message since then, and it was about to be nine days since the first one. He had also been the one calling which had woken her up in her car, and that was six days after his first call. Dean had been wondering where she was since she hadn't called him back like she normally did, never mind what he must have been thinking by now.  
Manda let her fingers type for a second on the keypad.  
 _I'm fine, don't worry will call soon_  
She read it again, hesitated for a minute or two, and then finally hit send. She wasn't fine, and she wasn't sure if she was calling him soon or not, but that's what she had to send.  
She shut off her phone and sighed deeply. Dean would probably call again now that she had responded to him. Maybe he'd wait a few hours to try to appear like it he wasn't too worried, but he'd call again soon enough if she didn't.  
Manda knew she had to call him back, but right now she couldn't. How could she call Dean and tell him that she needed him? That she had no idea what had happened to her, what was going on still, and that she just needed him in so many ways right now?  
Dean would gun that Impala of his as fast as he could to get to her if she just said she needed him. She knew that much, but she didn't want to worry him or drag him into whatever mess this was going to be.  
Manda didn't want to put any of this on him, he didn't deserve it. She wanted to turn to him, but feared it was just too much to ask of him. A part of her knew that it wasn't since Dean had looked after her before and he would again if that's what she needed from him, but this was different then the last time he had done that for her. She wasn't stupidly drunk and being careless, and he wasn't around to just take her away from anything, make sure she was safe, and take care of her.  
Calling Dean and telling him she needed him was something Manda didn't think she could do. He'd hear it in her voice even if she choked on the words, and she knew she would. If she said she needed him, well, that was too much for her to admit to, and probably too much for him to hear.  
If they were actually dating then Manda knew it would be easier to call him now. To just tell him what was going on, that she needed him, and to plant his foot to the floor to get here. But they weren't. Instead they just had some sort of thing that she didn't quite understand or know what it made them. Maybe that was her fault, she held back on what she wanted because of her past, what she felt about the lives they led, and the fact that she believed she couldn't hold on to him.  
Manda wanted to push for something more from him, but she didn't know how to. She wasn't even sure that's what she really wanted in the end, because letting herself love Dean completely just scared the hell out of her still. And now it seemed she was right to hold off because once again she was being shown that love just wasn't something she shouldn't take chances with. That something would come along and destroy it again.  
Manda wasn't exactly sure what she meant to Dean. It's not like he had asked her for anything more than what they had either, but he would be here if he knew she'd been possessed.  
She wondered what it would cost her if he did come though. Everything had a price, and Manda feared that if she did call him that price was going to be too high. Her history had taught her that before, and she feared the cost would be him or her. And if it wasn't, then it might be whatever they had or could have if one of them bothered to admit they wanted something more.  
There seemed to be no right or wrong way to go about anything, so she put her head in her hands for awhile and thought.  
Manda had been hiding out in her house for two days since she'd woken up parked out front of it, and she knew it wasn't helping anything. She'd barely slept or eaten, and she hadn't remembered or found anything online that could help her figure out where she might have gone and who she had probably murdered under a demon's influence.  
Then there was the fact that the scars down her back had been itching again like they had a day or two before she'd gone missing, and had started to look like they had never healed this time. That didn't make any sense to her, and she couldn't find anything about why they would be like that either.  
She needed help figuring things out, and she knew it. Even though she hated to ask for help, there wasn't any other choice for her right now.  
Manda sighed again, turned her phone back on and called Church. She didn't want to avoid Dean, but right now she didn't know what she would or could say to him, and if there was one person she could trust to help her now besides him, it was Church.

[ - ]

Church had gotten off the phone with Manda awhile ago. She was in her car and on the way over there now. Manda needed help and Church was going to give her that help, but she knew who Manda hadn't called yet, and had asked her not to call either.  
One hand on the wheel, the other pushing the call button on Sam's number, Church was going to go behind her friend's back now. She knew she shouldn't, but at the same time Dean needed to know, and she was sure Manda needed him now.  
The phone rang a few times and then Sam answered sleepily. "Hello?"  
"Sam, sorry to wake you," Church apologized.  
"It's all right. What's going on, Church?" Sam asked, as he looked at his watch and noticed the time now. Calls in the middle of the night were usually never a good thing.  
"Um… there's a bit of a problem and I wanted to run it by you first."  
"Okay," Sam's voice became more alert now. He was waking up fast. "Tell me what's going on."  
"Well… I wasn't supposed to call you or Dean, but I had to call one of you. Manda needs help, and I thought you could let Dean know." Church had thought about calling Dean first, but she knew Sam better, and he knew his brother better than she did so he'd know how to tell him whatever he needed to know.  
"What kind of help? Is she okay?" Sam knew he should wake Dean up, but he wanted to wait until he heard the rest of this before he told his brother anything. If she was seriously injured or something had gone really wrong then Sam had to know how to break it to him.  
"She's okay as far as I know. But Manda was possessed, Sam. She lost eight days and has no memory of what happened during that time. She woke up two days ago in her car covered in someone else's blood."  
"Damn. Okay," Sam said as he remembered what it was like to be possessed. It was no fun to worry about what you had done, and it was even worse to know the truth about what you had done during that time.  
"Manda can't find anything that indicates where she was, and nothing on what she might have done, so whatever it was hasn't been found yet. Now she asked for my help, but I think she might be leaving out a detail or two as well. She said she'd tell me the rest when I see her." Church believed there was more since her friend had a bad habit of not telling everything there was to tell.  
Sam sighed. Things could have been worse for her, but knowing you'd been possessed was never easy to handle. Dean was going to want to go see her once he found out, so Sam knew what he had to ask next. "Where is she now?"  
"At home," Church replied.  
"Home?" Sam sounded puzzled as he asked.  
"Yeah, she's got a house. She goes there sometimes when she needs a break, and lets me use it for that too. Now I don't know if Dean knows where it is or if he even knows about it, but that's where she is." Church wasn't sure if Manda had even let Dean know she still held on to her family's house. She'd been there herself plenty of times when she needed a break from the road since Manda let her use it whenever she wanted as she was never there anyway.  
"Okay..." Sam said weirdly. He had never heard Dean mention it, so maybe Manda had never told him.  
Church gave Sam the details and learned they were about a little over nine hours away from there. Church was about ten hours out now from the other direction herself.  
"Manda should have called him, he's been trying to get a hold of her," Sam said to her.  
"But she didn't, and you know how those two are," Church replied. "I know she asked me, but I'm sure she wanted to ask him instead. You'll tell him right?"  
"Yeah, I'll tell him. He won't like it, but I'll let him know." Sam knew it was true. Dean was going to be a little pissed off that she hadn't called him when something like this was going on. Even if there was nothing he could do for her now, he would have wanted to know about it.  
"Sorry, Sam. But look, I should go, so I'll see you there."  
"It's okay, and thanks for letting me know. See you there, Church." Sam disconnected and sat there on for a moment while he figured the best way to let his brother know.  
"Wake up, Dean," Sam called out fairly loud.  
Dean mumbled something, turned over and remained asleep.  
Sam got up, took the few steps over to the other bed and shook his brother. "Dean, get up."  
Dean grabbed Sam's arm and twisted a bit before he let go as his eyes opened and saw that it was just his brother.  
"Forget it, Sammy. I'm not cuddling with you because you had a bad dream," Dean smirked a little and groaned just a bit. Sam usually never woke him up unless there was something wrong.  
Sam shot Dean annoyed glare.  
"What it is?" Dean yawned out the question.  
"It's about Manda." Sam went back and sat on his bed now.  
"Don't tell me she called you instead of me." Dean sat up now as he wondered what Sam knew that he didn't. He'd gotten a text from her earlier, but it hadn't said anything about where she was or what had kept her from calling back. He had held off on calling her back when it had come through because he trusted her word that she would call soon just like it said. He hadn't wanted to appear too worried about her either, but his few messages had probably told her that anyway.  
"She didn't call either of us, she called Church," Sam paused, seeing that Dean was already awake, ready to move, and he didn't even know anything yet. "She needs help, Dean."  
"Help, what kind of help? What happened?" Dean had his legs over the side of the bed, and was reaching for his jeans and shirt now.  
"I don't know everything, just what little Church told me." Sam knew Dean was wishing she had called him first, especially if she needed help.  
"What did she tell you?" Dean stopped getting dressed then and looked at his brother seriously. He needed to know what happened, and hoped it wasn't too awful.  
"Manda was possessed for eight days and has no memory of what happened during that time. When she finally came to she was covered in blood that wasn't hers," Sam told Dean calmly.  
"What?" he asked with surprise and anger at the same time. Manda had been possessed, and not called him when she was back to normal. He had told her if she needed anything to just call, so why didn't she realize by now that he would do whatever he could to help, protect, and look after her.   
"Fine and calling soon my ass," he muttered and sat there on the bed in a bit of disbelief.  
"So that explains why she didn't check in when you first called her." Sam knew Dean was wondering why she hadn't called at first and now after, especially given the fact of whatever it was they had with each other. He didn't dare tell his brother she'd been avoiding him for two days now though.  
"Did Church tell you where Manda is now?" Dean hoped Sam had gotten that information.  
"She's at home apparently." Sam looked for the reaction his brother would give, wondering if he knew about the house.  
"She went home? What the hell is she doing there?" Dean knew Manda had a house somewhere since she had joked about getting him to ditch Sam and meet her there for a perfect weekend, but she had never actually told him where it was. He knew she didn't really like going there, and if that's where she was then she had to be seeking something safe and comforting, which meant she should have called him too. She knew he'd be there if she just asked him to be, but she was so stubborn sometimes it was frustrating.  
"You know where that is?" Sam asked as he looked at Dean surprised. He'd never heard about it, but then again whatever Dean and Manda talked about wasn't really anything that got shared with Sam unless he was around them or he overheard a bit of a call.  
"No, did you find out where it is?" Dean got up and fully dressed now.  
"Yeah, I knew you would want to go," Sam said.  
"How far out are we?" Dean was now packing up and making sure he had everything.  
"Nine hours, give or take."  
"So we'll be there in about eight, let's go."  
"Dude… slow down. It's the middle of the night, and she's obviously not going anywhere if she's at home." Sam just looked at Dean in a bit of disbelief at how fast he wanted to rush over there.  
"And we'll make it there by the afternoon if we leave now. Let's go, Sam." Dean picked up his stuff and headed out the door to the Impala.  
Sam sighed as he packed up his stuff and got ready to leave. He knew Dean was angry, worried, and going into that protective mode. He was sure Manda was going to get an earful when they showed up, but Sam also knew she wasn't expecting them. Sam knew that was going to be a bit comical to watch. The two of them were bound to fight if Dean started on her for not calling him, and even if she was panicking over what had happened to her, she wouldn't just take it from his brother.  
Dean waited in the car. Sam might have been right, it was the middle of the night and Manda wasn't going anywhere if she was at home. She'd be there worrying and trying to figure things out. But if he showed up, then he could help her with that and whatever else she needed.  
He wanted to call her again, but figured it was better if she didn't know he was on his way to her now. She was so stubborn sometimes that Dean knew she'd probably run if she knew he was coming. So he'd just show up and deal with her then. He was a bit pissed off, but he was more worried about what had happened to her and how she was dealing with it. Manda could be tough, but she had a side that was far from that hiding inside of her, and he knew that part of her would probably be taking over now.  
Sam came out to the car and tossed his stuff in the trunk before he got in the car.  
"You do realize Church wasn't supposed to call us right?" Sam asked as Dean started pulling out of the hotel's parking lot. "That Manda asked her not to?"  
"I know, Sam," Dean's tone was annoyed. Leave it to Sam to remind him she didn't want to turn to him or even tell him.  
"So we're just going to show up then?" Sam looked at Dean from across the seat. This was going to be quite the reunion, and certainly not the one he knew his brother had been wanting with her.  
"That's the plan whether she likes it or not."  
Sam chuckled. "I'm guessing not, and that you're going to end up taking a hit or two."  
"Maybe, but it'll be worth it later." Dean half chuckled and grinned a little at Sam as he tried to keep his real mood from showing.  
He knew his brother was right though. She wasn't going to like it, but right now that was too bad for her. He was going to show up anyway, and maybe Manda would try to punch him when he confronted her, but that didn't matter. She needed him, and he knew that. Dean just didn't understand why she hadn't called and asked him to come though, especially after the way she had struggled with it at first, but then had decided and started to let him in to her life and her heart.  
Sam told him where they were heading then, and Dean pressed his foot a little harder on the gas pedal. He wasn't sure what he was going to find when they got there either, because not only was Manda bound to be stressed out from being possessed, she was also somewhere he knew she wasn't comfortable being – a place that was filled with her past. Throw in the anger she'd have at Church for going behind her back that was causing the surprise visit he was going to make, and he knew Manda was going to lose it quickly. Dean just hoped she'd let him pick her up when she did lose it, but even if she didn't, he'd still do it anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

They had made the drive in a little over eight hours, and Dean had just turned off on to a dirt road. They were almost at Manda's now, another ten minutes or so down this road and they'd be pulling up in front of her house.  
It'd been three months since he'd seen her, and now that he was almost there, he hated that it had to be under these circumstances.  
This ride should have been for that weekend she had joked about. Sam shouldn't be sitting next to him in the car, and Dean shouldn't have been prepared to listen to what little she knew about her missing her days or to help her figure out what had happened.  
"Supposed to be the fifth turn on the right," Sam said. Dean had been quiet for most of the ride, and Sam really didn't bother to press him for much either.  
Dean nodded and continued to drive.  
They passed the third driveway then and Dean noticed that each house on this street was on a fair amount of land. It made sense to him. Her family would have had to have a bit of property that was fairly private.  
The fifth one came up on the right, and Dean turned the car in and drove down a pretty long driveway. The house sat far back from the road, which once again made sense to him.  
Her Chevelle was parked out front and Dean stopped behind it instead of parking near the large detached garage that was to left at the top of the driveway.  
"So this is her place, huh?" Sam asked as he looked at the old farm three-story farm house that Manda called home.  
"Must be, that's her car." Dean took a look at it before he got out of the car.  
The house itself was a fair size, it had a wrap-around porch, and everything looked to be well kept. The house had a kind of coldness to it though, like it was obvious it wasn't lived in, but the grass was short, so she must have had someone maintaining the place for her.  
"Did she ever tell you how she got this place?" Sam wondered since she obviously kept things hidden.  
"Family." Dean had never asked her for any more details, if she wanted to give them to him then she would have. She didn't like talking about it, so he didn't ask her.  
Dean smirked and gave a short chuckle as he walked up the stairs at the side before heading to the front door. "Look up, Sam."  
Sam was just making his way up the stairs now when he looked up at the roof that hung over the porch. There were a few symbols painted in a light colour that was hard to see.  
"Wonder if it looks like Bobby's place inside," Sam muttered amused.  
"Only one way to find out." Dean knocked on the door.  
A minute or two passed and there was no answer. Dean knocked again and waited.  
Another minute passed and Manda still didn't come to the door.  
The brothers looked at each other and then one went one way while the other went the other way on the porch.  
Sam wandered over to one of the windows and peered in, noticing the salt line across the sill on the inside.  
Dean walked over to another, noticing how the porch creaked in all the right places to alert anyone on the inside that there was someone wandering around outside. He looked in a window, noticed a salt line first, and then saw her lying on a couch. She appeared to be asleep.  
"She's inside, looks like she's sleeping," he called out to Sam as his eyes lingered a little longer on her before he walked back to the door.  
"Notice the salt at the windows?" Sam was back at the door now too.  
"Yeah, she's not taking any chances." Dean was glad she wasn't. He was certain she had laid salt at every window and all the outside doors.  
"Try the door?" Sam suggested.  
Dean turned the knob and discovered it was unlocked. He looked at Sam and smirked. Even though he wished she had locked it, he was glad it was open. She was only expecting Church and probably hadn't planned on falling asleep.  
He was about to step inside when he looked down and noticed a slit in the floorboard at the door that was overfilled with salt. The door cleared it when it opened and didn't disturb the line. Dean smiled a little more at the setup, it was smart.  
Both bothers walked inside and looked around for a moment. The house was brighter on the inside, more inviting. It was clean and furnished well enough to make it feel like a home, but it wasn't cluttered or overly decorated.  
"Hmm... Lucy, I'm home," Dean called out the old well-known _I Love Lucy_ quote as they walked towards the living room.  
The house remained silent.  
They reached the living room, and Sam stayed more in the doorway. He would let Dean wake her and wait to see what happened.  
Dean walked over to the couch and stood there beside it. "Time to rise and shine, Manda," he said, but not too loudly as he looked down at her. He didn't want to alarm her, but he needed to wake her.  
She didn't answer still, and just lay there on her back with her knees raised, one arm hidden at her side, the other hanging over the side of couch, and breathing softly.  
Dean had just leaned down a bit and reached out to lightly rouse her with a soft shake when his phone went off in his pocket. He froze for a split second since as it did he realized it was the ringtone he had given her. "What the…"  
Manda bolted up, grabbed his arm and swept his feet out from under him in one fast movement. She had him on his back on the floor before he knew it, but had held on to him as he went down to keep him from hitting the floor too hard. "Welcome home, Ricky," she greeted Dean with a return of his TV show reference.  
Sam chuckled at seeing how she had taken down Dean quickly.  
"You've gotten soft on me in three months, Winchester," she teased as she crouched over him on her knees. "And I told you I'd call soon." She waved her phone in her hand and smiled slightly at him.  
She knew then Church had called them and was cursing her friend in her head at that moment.  
Dean was surprised at how fast she had moved, but now knew she'd heard them come in and wanted to catch him off guard since they weren't supposed to be here. If this was how she was going to play it, then he'd go along with it for now. She had called him by his last name too, something she only did when she was teasing and challenging him, and even if he was a little angry with her, he still liked it.  
"Not soon enough, and you should lock your door, Chambers." He grinned as he flipped her to be on her back now and leaned over her. "Who's gotten soft again?"  
"Like the lock would have stopped you. And hey, if you want to make this a fair fight, I'm game." She stared up with her brows raised at Dean who wasn't on her, but a bit over her on his knees now.  
Dean looked at her and found her hard to read. He wasn't sure if she was happy to see him or not, but she was playing around like she was. He could see the shadows under her eyes now though, the dark circles starting which showed she hadn't been sleeping much. The demon had probably deprived her of that while it possessed her, and now it continued to with the worry she had after it had left her.  
"So am I," he challenged her. His grin took on the playful suggestive look then.  
"Hello, Dean," Manda said softly as she reached up and touched his face for a second. She knew she'd been stupid not to call him then, and she was glad he was here even if she was pissed off at being uninformed that he had been coming.  
"Manda." Dean's grin lost the playful nature to it and went a little sweeter as he saw the relief in her eyes showing she was glad to see him. It had also been three months after all, and he did miss her despite the annoyance he had at her and her stubbornness for not calling him.  
Sam coughed. Maybe it had been awhile since they'd seen each other, and they certainly had a chemistry that was hard to ignore when they were around each other, but he didn't need to see this. "You two want to save that twisted game of foreplay you've got going on for later?"  
"Twisted maybe, but it sure is a whole lot of fun. And hi, Sam," Manda called out from the floor and continued to look up at Dean. She definitely missed him, but as much as she wanted to throw her arms around him, she wouldn't yet.  
"Hey, Manda," Sam called out back to her.  
Dean chuckled, she was right. Maybe it was a bit twisted, but it was always fun. "Sammy doesn't know what a fun game of foreplay is, he's always too busy crying through it," he said as he got up and then held out a hand to help her up.  
Sam groaned. "Dude, don't you ever get tired of that one?"  
Manda grabbed Dean's hand and let him help her up.  
"No." Dean let go of Manda when she was up on her feet and took a better look at her. She looked exhausted, and he knew she was trying to maintain a brave front on top of that.  
"Guess I have Church to thank for your surprise visit. Remind me to kick her if I don't punch her first." Manda wasn't angry at them, but she was a bit angry with Church. She had asked her friend to not call either brother, and apparently that had meant the opposite.  
Sam nodded. "She thought it was best if we knew, so you can't blame her for calling for me."  
"You should have called, Manda." Dean's tone was serious and a little hard.  
Manda sighed, they were right and she knew it. Dean was obviously a little upset with her for not calling him too. "Well, since I've got more guests than I was expecting, I better go get a room or two ready as we wait for Church to get here. Go grab your stuff and then make yourselves at home, guys." Manda headed out of the living room and to the stairs then.  
Dean watched her walk away from him. He wanted to follow her, but held back since she had just sort of blown them off at the mention of her not calling. She would only shut down on him if he had followed her, he knew that much.  
Sam looked at Dean questioningly.  
"Looks like we're staying," Dean said. Then he headed out to the car to grab his bags.  
Sam followed.  
"She's not holding up too well is she?" Sam posed the question once they were pulling their stuff out of the trunk.  
"You think?" Dean mumbled as he grabbed his stuff and closed the trunk.  
They headed inside and left their stuff by the stairs. She wasn't back yet so they wandered around the main floor a bit.  
Dean went into the kitchen and checked out what she had to eat since he was hungry. The fridge had food, but nowhere near enough for all of them. It did have some beer in it though, and for a moment he thought about helping himself, but then decided against it. He could have a few later after she talked about what had happened. He found some coffee and put on a pot before he went back to the living room, sat down on the couch and stuck his feet up on the table. Her house was already beginning to feel a little like home to him.  
Sam had felt weird about wandering around Manda's house, but she had said they could make themselves at home. He found a room that had been made into a library and noticed all the books and a notebook that were scattered in on the floor in a weird pattern. She'd been doing research of some sort, so Sam walked in and went to get a better look at what she had been reading up on.  
Manda took awhile getting the two spare rooms ready even if she believed she only needed to get one ready or that it might have been pointless to even bother at all. Sam might end up with Church, but she had no idea and didn't care. She figured Dean would end up in her room and while she wanted him there too, it was possible he wouldn't once he found out the little bit of information she hadn't mentioned yet. He only knew what Church knew, but they'd all know the rest of it after she got here and Manda told them everything. And he was already upset with her for not calling, but she wondered if he knew she hadn't intended on calling him at all.  
Sam had looked at all the books she had out. It wasn't light reading. All of it had to do with demons. The notebook was filled with notes. There was also a journal sort of like his father's that had belonged to someone else, but the writing in it wasn't the same as the writing in the notebook which was hers.  
The stuff she had written down and the books she had out gave Sam the impression this was more than just a possession. There was something else going on here and Church had been right to call them. Manda was in more trouble than she was letting on, and Dean wasn't going to take it well when he found out.  
Sam sighed as he left the library and headed back out to find his brother.  
Manda came back downstairs and went to find them. She saw Dean sitting on the couch and Sam had just sat down on the other end as she made it back into the living room. "The rooms are ready guys," Manda said as she sat in a chair.  
"Rooms?" Dean asked and turned his head to look at her.  
"I'm on the third floor, Church is always in the master, and there's a spare room for each of you. Sam, take your pick," Manda paused, "Dean you can take a spare or head up to my room, your choice." She looked at Dean and hoped he could read what she wanted.  
"Thanks." Sam got up and then headed to get his stuff to go upstairs.  
Dean smirked as he read her eyes and face. She was willing to stick to their agreement, and since he was here that meant they were together. He got up and went to go take his stuff upstairs.  
Manda headed to the kitchen since she could smell coffee. Someone had put on a pot, and she was thankful for whatever brother had done it. She was dead on her feet and trying to maintain this front of being okay was only draining her of what little she had left for energy.  
Sam tossed his stuff in a spare room. He could have gone to Church's room, but he wasn't presuming anything. It had been quite awhile since he'd seen her, and he wasn't sure what would happen.  
He was just coming out of his room when he saw Dean going for the next set of stairs that were through a doorway. Sam knew the choice wasn't really a choice, he'd seen the look Manda had given his brother and even if she hadn't, that was where he would have probably gone on his own anyway.  
Sam wanted to stop Dean before he went to her room to tell him what he'd seen, but he didn't. It was for Manda to tell him since she had already avoided him by not calling him and had been keeping some things to herself. Sam knew they were going to fight about it, but it wasn't his place to interfere now. He went back downstairs to find her before Dean came back down.  
Dean made it to the top of the stairs, walked into her room and found she had the entire third floor as a room.  
There wasn't a lot of furniture in the room, but enough to make the space not feel empty. He put his stuff by a night table on one side of her bed as he noticed how large it was. Dean was willing to bet it was going to be comfortable since she was bound to be sick of the crappy hotel beds when she did come home. He was looking forward to going to bed tonight now that he had seen it.  
One corner had been turned into a bathroom, the open door revealed that much to him. She had the rest of the normal bedroom things about, but his eyes settled on the photos that were on the dresser then.  
Different stages of Manda's life in a few frames were before him. There were a few shots of her with her parents at various ages before they'd died. One of an older man sitting on top of the Chevelle with a younger her, and Dean wondered if that was her grandfather. The last picture was of a teenage Manda with a guy, and Dean knew that was the boyfriend that had been killed when she'd let him come on a hunt. There had been no pictures like this downstairs, and Dean could understand why she kept them up here and out of view for anyone else. It was out of her love and her guilt that the smiling faces in the pictures stared at her while she slept or didn't.  
He looked around a little more and wondered what it would be like to have a place like this to come back to when he grew tired of the road. Maybe it would be weird because it'd been so long since he had an actual home, but it would be nice.  
Sam found her sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee.  
"Hope your room is okay," Manda said as he sat down across from her.  
"Yeah, thanks again." Sam looked at her and could see how hard she was fighting off her exhaustion now.  
"No trouble, thanks for coming." She avoided looking at him.  
"Manda, I saw the books… there's something else going on with you isn't there?" Sam knew he had to say something.  
Manda looked up at him then, nodded and then shot him a 'be quiet' look as she saw Dean coming.  
Dean came in the kitchen then. He looked at them oddly since he had heard them talking quietly but hadn't caught what it was about, and both of them had shut up though as he entered. "Church just pulled up, and I see the coffee's ready."  
Both Sam and Manda looked at him.  
"I'll go greet her," Sam said as he got up and left.  
"Thanks for making a pot." She yawned and then stuck an arm up to help prop up her head.  
Dean nodded and went to pour himself a cup. "So, the Chevelle belonged to your grandfather?"  
"Yeah, that was his ride first. And before you ask, the house was his too."  
Dean sat across from her. "You mentioned before that he was a hunter too, I think."  
Manda nodded. "He only had this place because he hated living on the road and my grandmother needed somewhere to raise my dad and uncle. He trained them here when he wasn't hunting, and then trained me mostly when I was here too."  
She was opening up a bit more about her past now, so Dean stuck with it. "Didn't you say you moved around a lot?"  
"This was the main spot to ditch me until I was trained and old enough to go along on hunts. Sometimes I was here for a week, sometimes it was a few months. But my granddad died when I was sixteen." She paused as she thought about her past. "He left the car to me and the house to my parents so we lived here up until they died, and then it became mine. The place is paid for, there's a trust in place that pays for the bills and maintenance, and I can't bring myself to sell the only real home I've ever had," she said quietly.  
"You're a trust fund kid?" He looked at her strangely, he hadn't seen that coming.  
Manda's chuckle was short and soft. "Granddad came from money before he became a hunter. He set up the trust to make sure there was always a place to come back to. There might be a little left over to keep me from being broke, but as you can see by where I stay while out on the road, there's not that much left over."  
"Well, I could get used to being a kept man," he joked and raised a brow at her.  
Manda was too tired to joke around with him. "I'll see what's keeping Sam and Church." She got up and left Dean at the table.  
Dean wondered if he had said something wrong at first, but he knew she was worn out. He decided he would find a way to make her get some sleep after she had told them the details since she clearly needed it, and the rest of them could start to take over by searching for answers without her.  
Sam had met Church outside to greet her, and then taken a few minutes to fill her in on what he had found in the library.  
Church had known Manda was hiding something, and now this just confirmed that.  
They had just made it back inside when Manda met them by the door.  
"Hey, Church," she said with a tone that was a bit angry.  
"Manda, before you start getting bitchy with me, you know I had to call them. You should have called Dean, and even more so from what I just heard from Sam." Chuch had kept her voice low since she knew Dean didn't know any of it yet.  
"Yeah, I guess," she muttered as she walked back to the living room.  
Church and Sam looked at each other. Manda hadn't gotten sarcastic or put up a fight, which wasn't like her. They followed her in.  
Dean was already sitting in the living room. He had heard the whispering at the door, and seen the way Manda and Sam had shut up before. Something else was going on here, and he wanted to know what it was. "So, does someone want to tell me what the hushed tones are about, or do you want to start talking now that we're all here, Manda?" he asked as he looked directly at her and waited for an answer.


	4. Chapter 4

Manda sat down in a chair and saw Dean's eyes pierce through her. He knew there was something up and he wanted answers. Suddenly she didn't want to talk. She would take anything as an excuse to stall. "Uh… how about we let Church get settled in first?"  
Church and Sam came in and sat on the loveseat.  
"Hi, Dean," Church said as she looked at him. "And I don't need to, Manda. I'll do that later."  
"Hey, Church… and that's good, it means Manda can get started." Dean knew he was putting her on the spot now, but she would have to tell them all one way or another and sooner rather than later.  
"Should we order some food first? Or does anyone want anything to drink?" Manda was scrambling for a reason to delay talking. She wasn't looking forward to this, and right now she hated Church for calling the brothers. The way Dean was looking at her as she sat there, she knew he was going to get angry with her.  
"It can wait." Dean's voice was calm but to the point. "How about you stop stalling and get on with it?"  
Manda pulled her knees up to her chest and tried to push herself as far back into the chair as she could. She wished it would just swallow her right then and there. "Uh…"  
Sam knew his brother was being a bit insensitive because he wanted to know what was going on, and rushing her was only going to make this worse. "Take your time, Manda. Start wherever you think you should."  
The three of them had their eyes on her and Manda felt like a deer frozen in the headlights.  
"You could start with the day before the first missing one, or what you remember of that missing one," Church suggested. She could see how Manda was ready to flee the room in a split second if she could without at least one of them stopping her.  
"I-I… It, uh…" Manda sighed heavily. "I had wrapped up a job the night before, and in the morning I drove away from the hotel I was at. Next thing I know I'm waking up in my car to my phone ringing. I reached for it, found my hands were covered in blood, looked down and so were my clothes." Her voice was detached as she spoke, and she didn't look at any of them. She just stared out the window instead as she talked.  
None of them said anything, just watched and waited for her to continue.  
"Finally I grab the phone and look at the date. It's been eight days since I left that hotel. I'm panicking, wondering where I've been… what I've done. I don't hurt anywhere so I figure that it's not my blood I've got all over me." She wrapped her arms around her knees a little tighter, and briefly looked at them.  
"Do you have any injuries at all?" Sam asked her.  
Dean sat there listening to her, and he hated this. She was trying to remove herself from how much it bothered her, but it clearly wasn't working. He knew that feeling all too well.  
Manda shook her head. "Anyway, I discover I'm parked out front of here, and I'm wondering why I would drive home. That was two days ago, and I haven't found a single clue as to where I was, who I probably killed or what happened at all. I called Church to help me figure this out, because I'm at a loss for what's going on with me."  
Dean wondered if he heard her right. She had been here for two days already, which meant this was the third now. Manda had called Church instead of him for help, and he'd been leaving her messages wondering where she was, thinking about all sorts of things that could have gone wrong on a job or had happened to her. He was getting angry now. She had avoided him instead of reaching out to him like she knew she could.  
"Are you going to tell us what you've failed to mention?" Church asked her. There was more obviously when Sam had found the books and the notes, and Manda had spoken like something was still happening.  
"The books and your notes in the library, Manda… what exactly are you looking for?" Sam saw Dean look at him, and he knew his brother wondered what else he knew that he didn't know himself.  
"I… god… it's just," Manda stammered and closed her eyes. "The scars on my back," she whispered and tried to keep her voice from breaking.  
"What about them?" Church inquired.  
Manda took a deep breath in the silent room. She could feel the eyes on her and one set of them were digging into her so deep that it stung - Dean's. His stare and his mood were hard to ignore even if she wasn't looking at him. "Well… look, I don't even know if it's related or not, but two days before I was possessed they started itching. Not a lot, but enough to notice the sensation. That's never happened except for when they were healing, but I didn't give it much thought at the time."  
"What scars?" Sam didn't know what she was talking about. "I saw something mentioning scars in your notes, but it didn't make sense."  
"Something happened to her on a job awhile ago, after you guys saved me. It left her with some pretty big scars down her back." Church told him.  
Sam nodded. "What gave them to you?"  
"I don't know exactly what it was," Manda quietly answered.  
Dean's eyes narrowed in on her even more then. The scars were from the job she had thrown herself into after they had first met over five months ago. She had pushed him away when he had gotten too close, and he had left and then ignored her attempts at apologizing. He had never really asked her what had given them to her though, and she had only said she'd gotten them by being careless. And while he knew it wasn't his fault, he still felt a little of the blame rested on him when it came to how she had gotten them.  
"Since I've been back they've started to itch again, not too badly, but a little more than before. I stuck some stuff on them and it numbs the itching. But now they're beginning to look like they never healed."  
Manda stood up then, turned around as she undid a few of the top buttons on her long-sleeved shirt, then pushed down the sleeve from her right shoulder, and held her hair out of the way so they could see the scars.  
All three of them looked, but only Sam and Church got up and walked towards her to get a closer look.  
Sam saw the two scars that started on her shoulder and kept going somewhere that was hidden by her shirt. He noticed how they looked fresh, like the stitches had just come out a few days ago. He had no idea what could have caused that, but it wasn't normal.  
"Hmm, never seen that happen before," Church muttered as she thought about it.  
"So that's what you're looking for? You think a demon did this? That it's linked to being possessed?" Sam fired out the questions. He was already searching his mind for anything that was similar to this that he had read or seen before.  
Manda put her sleeve back up and turned around. "That job, I thought it was a demon, but when I got there… it was something else. I don't know, maybe it was a demon in true form, and not the black smoke they are up here. But whatever it was… it slashed me deep and hard, left its mark on me, and needing a whole load of stitches."  
Dean sat there not saying anything because he was more pissed off at her now. She hadn't called him to let him know that this was going on, never mind the missing days. He wondered why she didn't want to let him know. He had already figured out that her _'will call soon'_ had meant not at all. She would have kept this from him, and now he wanted to know why.  
Church and Sam sat back down, both of them clearly in thought, trolling their minds for an answer.  
The room was suddenly quiet between the four of them.  
Manda didn't look at Dean. She could tell by how he'd been silent this whole time and then had not bothered to look closely at her scars that he was angry at her. "You want to know about that job, go back into the library. There's a notebook in the desk where the computer is that has everything written down that I remembered from it. Then ask whatever you want. I'm going to fix myself a drink." Manda headed to the kitchen.  
"I'll get it," Church said and then headed to the library.  
"Dean?" Sam wondered what his brother was thinking. He hadn't said anything to her at all, or looked at her scars. Sam could see the anger brewing inside of him, and knew it was because she had kept this from him, and that it had to hurt considering their relationship. "You got any ideas?"  
Dean just looked at Sam, then got up and went in the direction of the kitchen.  
Manda had finished one shot when she turned around to see who had followed her and was now blocking her from leaving. She gasped as she saw the way he looked at her. "Dean… what…"  
"Two days, Manda? You avoid me for two days before you send a text message that lies about how you are?" His voice was a loud, harsh and serious as he cut her off.  
She froze. His eyes were searing into hers, and she knew he was pretty pissed with her. "I… I… wanted to call," she managed to get out quickly.  
"But you didn't. You were possessed, something weird is going on with you and you don't call to let me know, never mind to check in when I've been wondering where the hell you are. And why the hell didn't you come to me first?" Dean needed to know why, so he was going to press her for it even if she looked ready to bolt.  
Manda stared back at him. She didn't need this, not from him. "Who would be your first call if this was happening to you, Dean, Sam or me?"  
He knew she had him there. Sam would always be his first call. "Sam," he gritted out his brother's name.  
"Exactly, so just back the hell off. I called Church because she's like a sister to me, you know that." Manda didn't want to fight, but if he was going to back her into a corner, as exhausted as she was, she would still stand up to him.  
"Were you even going to call? Or tell me what had happened and is still happening?" Dean pushed a little more. She wasn't getting off easy no matter what had happened to her.  
Church and Sam heard the raised and heated voices. They knew this had been coming. Both of them were listening to the fight that was coming from the kitchen.  
"What the hell do you want from me, Dean?" she shouted out the question at him.  
"The truth." His voice was almost at a yell, hard, heavy and rough. "I told you to call if you needed anything, and you need help with this. You should have called, not Church… _YOU_! Dean knew he was backing her into a tight corner, but right now he didn't care.  
"Church can help me just as much as you can." Manda's tone was cold.  
"She can't keep you safe." It came out fast and hard, and for Dean it was the truth. Nobody could keep her safe like he could, especially if she was in trouble just like now.  
"Oh, and you can? Whatever is happening is going to happen with or without you trying to protect me. And you won't always be able to either," she said loudly. Her exhaustion was being replaced with the fuel from irritation, and it was keeping her going right then.  
"Damn it, Manda… you know I'll find a way to stop whatever it is, but that's not what this is about. You should have called to let me know what was going on considering what's between us." He hated that she was right, he wouldn't always be able to protect her, but he would try to when he could.  
"Don't bring that into this. You're not my boyfriend so you don't get to pull that card on me." Manda didn't want to do this, but she had to. He couldn't demand something of her when he didn't exactly hold the right to.  
Dean knew that was true, but he had to remind her of something. "You're the one who wanted it that way, sweetheart. You made that choice since this arrangement was your idea." His voice had come out angry and hurt because that's exactly what he was.  
"Yeah, and you put up such a fight for something more didn't you? You didn't even bother, Dean. You just took it because it works for you. So tell me, in three months how many girls have you been with?" She stared at him, and saw something that looked like guilt as he shifted his gaze from hers briefly.  
"That has nothing to do with this, Manda." Dean shouted, jumping on the defense, knowing that she knew what he was like though. "Not a goddamn thing."  
"Wow… real nice. Don't give me any bullshit about how you want more when that speaks a whole lot about what you want… or should I say, what you don't actually want?" There was no more exhaustion Manda could feel, just a whole lot of pain and anger. His lack of denial had just been a smack in the face, and it left her feeling like he didn't want her at all.  
"You can't get mad at me for something you said was okay if it happened when we aren't together. That was all your idea, and that should have told me how you felt since you're the one that came up with it." Dean threw back what she had told him three months ago.  
"What did you come here for then, Dean? Because it sure as hell doesn't seem like you came for me at this point. You know I wanted to call you, but doing that means letting you know exactly how I feel, and right now it looks like I made the right choice by not bothering to."  
Manda shoved him out her way as she stormed out on him. She didn't look at Church and Sam as she hurried by them, and stopped only to grab her shoes by the door before she left. The door slammed behind her, echoing through the house.  
Dean stood there in the kitchen fuming. She had been right though, it's not like he had tried to fight for anything more. And he had been with a few girls in the past three months. He had tried not to, and had felt a little guilty later, but she had said it was okay with her if it happened while they apart. That made no sense to him, why Manda would say it was fine with her if it actually wasn't.  
He knew then that she hadn't been with anyone since the last time she'd been with him. Dean had wondered about that, but hadn't been sure because one never really knew, but now he did. Manda had been faithful during the three months even though they weren't dating, and that meant she cared more than she would admit out loud to.  
Her last words hurt though. That she wanted to call him, but it would say too much about how she really felt and now she was glad that she hadn't.  
Dean felt like an ass now. He had come here to help her and all he had done was added to the list of things that she was already dealing with. He knew the fight they had just had might cause her to finally break down because she was already stretched too thin physically and emotionally as it was.  
Church and Sam walked into the kitchen then.  
Sam just looked at Dean with disbelief. Manda was already going through enough and then his brother had started on her.  
"Nice job, Dean," Church said as she sat down at the table.  
Dean glared at her. "It was a joint effort in case you didn't catch that."  
"She knows it was wrong not to call you. Manda just didn't know how to tell you she needs you right now, and clearly she does." Church looked at him, wondering why he didn't realize how alike her friend was to him in that sense.  
Sam watched his brother and could see he realized he had been an ass to her. "We'll get started on trying to find some answers, and maybe you should go cool off for a bit."  
Dean didn't say anything, but he knew Sam was right as he walked out of the kitchen. He needed some time to let the anger disappear.

[ - ]

Manda had wandered out to the garage, and started to collect some chopped wood that was stacked in there to keep it dry. The nights were still cold and she had burned through what little had been in the house the last two nights, and with three extra people more was going to be needed.  
She lugged quite a bit of wood back to the house in a few trips and stacked it on the porch as she thought about everything. There were too many things going on inside of her head right then, and there was only one way she knew how to clear all of that out – she had to focus on something.  
She tossed the last armful of wood on the porch and ran back to the garage.  
The old heavy bag she'd learn to punch on still hung in one corner, and this is what she needed right now. Manda could almost hear her grandfather's voice in her head telling her how to channel all her emotions onto the bag before her as she shoved on the gloves she kept near it.  
Dean had seen her carrying wood up to the house, but not bringing it inside. He had sat there for awhile in the living room thinking about what to say to her later.  
Then he heard the wood clatter on the porch and he thought she had finally fallen over from exhaustion, but she wasn't there when he looked again. He wondered where she had gone or if something had happened to her and headed outside to settle his curiosity.  
The side door on the garage was still open, and as Dean got closer to it he could hear a faint thumping. He wandered over, and stopped at the door as he saw Manda hitting a heavy bag.  
Her hits were hard and coldly delivered, one after the other. Her hooks were solid, and he knew it had probably taken awhile for them to get that way. Dean had to admit the girl definitely packed a punch, and wondered how much it would hurt.  
The bag swung back a bit and Manda grabbed it as it returned, then jabbed it with a knee a few times. Then she let go, moved back a little and stood sort of on an angle with her back still to him. The bag hung still now, until she raised her leg in a kick and her foot hit the bag hard. It went back a little and she didn't move. Dean was sure it would hit her as it came back, but she stayed firmly planted on one foot and gave it no time to as she kicked again fast. The second kick been a bit lower and harder, the squeak of the metal from where the bag hung could be heard as it rocked back further this time.  
The third kick came in at almost the same spot, and she had put almost all of her weight behind it. She had sent that bag as far back as it would go, and Dean was a bit impressed. He knew she could fight, but had no idea she could fight that hard especially when she was as worn out as she was. If the bag had been a human, he was sure her last kick would have at least cracked, if not broken, a few ribs from how hard it had been.  
Manda stepped out of the way to let the punching bag swing back and forth as she tore off the gloves and threw them at the wall. They hit and landed with a thud.  
She slouched as if defeated. Her anger had been spent, and either she was ready to break down now or was just too tired to keep going. One hand went to her forehead and Dean was sure she was about to cry now, but he heard nothing out of her.  
And he wanted to go to Manda now, but didn't. He would have taken her in his arms then, but knew better than to do it, especially since that bag had probably been wearing his face in her mind.  
Dean turned around and left before she saw him. He walked over to her car, deciding to have a look inside if it was open. Maybe she had missed something that held a clue in there, or maybe she hadn't even looked for one in it.  
He opened the driver's door and started to search for anything that might indicate where she had been.  
Manda stood there for a few minutes with her head tipped and a hand covering her eyes.  
Letting herself focus on practicing some moves had gotten rid of her anger, but the pain was still there, and now she was even more drained than she had been before.  
She wanted to collapse, but she couldn't do that yet. Manda was drawing on strength she didn't think she had anymore, but for some reason her legs weren't ready to give out from under her just yet.  
She walked out of the garage after awhile and closed the door behind her. Then she noticed the driver's door of her car was open and who was digging under the seats.  
Manda went over, leaned against it a little in front of the door, and then jumped up to sit on the hood.  
Dean got out of her car, closed the door, then leaned back on a slight angle looking at her.  
"Find anything in there?" she asked and looked at him.  
"Just this." Dean held up a necklace that had a symbol to ward off possession hanging off it. "Is it yours?"  
Manda saw it and then reached for her neck. "Damn, I didn't even notice it had fallen off. So much for starting to wear that again."  
"Again?" Dean had never seen it on her whenever they'd been around each other before.  
"I only wear it sometimes, but I always have it with me in a pocket or something." She had always kept it on her even if she didn't wear it around her neck.  
"Needs a new chain, but you should wear it all the time from now on." He handed it back to her.  
"Thanks." Manda took it from him and held it in her hand. She looked at it and saw that the clasp had broken. Tracing the symbol with her fingers, she felt some small comfort from it before slipping it into a pocket on her shirt.  
"So, did that bag look a little like me when you were kicking the shit out of it?" Dean smirked a little. He knew she had blown off all her steam and that now they could go back to their usual way of being around each other.  
"Maybe," she half-smiled as she looked back at him. "Actually, no it didn't, because if I wanted to kick you then I would have."  
Dean's eyes searched hers for a moment. "About before, Manda…"  
"I know, Dean… me too," she said softly.  
Both of them didn't have to say the words "I'm sorry" to each other, they could read it in the other's eyes. And apologies weren't something either did often or were any good at anyway.  
"Guess we should head inside and see if Sam and Church have ideas or found anything." Dean knew that if they had though, they would have come outside to let one of them know by now.  
"Can it wait a minute?" Manda asked with a tone a little louder than a whisper.  
Dean looked at her oddly, a little curiously too.  
"Sorry about not calling you, but you know me… too stubborn to reach out sometimes." She slid off the hood then and turned on her side to face him.  
"It's all right," Dean reassured her.  
"It's good to see you, despite what brings you here... it's been too long." Manda stepped closer, and threw her arms around him in a hug.  
Dean slipped one arm around her waist and the other behind her shoulders as he pulled her close. "You too… it has been awhile." He could smell the honey and almond shampoo he knew she used, and he had forgotten how sweet the scent of it was when she was this close.  
Neither one was willing to say the three little words they wanted to right then – I missed you. Admitting to that was hard for both of them to do, so it remained unspoken.  
Manda stretched her neck up and kissed him softly on the cheek before she started to pull away from the embrace.  
Her kiss had been too polite and unsatisfying for him after not seeing her for over three months, so Dean pulled her back and let his lips crash against hers before hers gave way for him to take it deeper briefly.  
She smiled as she stepped back. "Now that we got that out of the way… I could really use some more coffee, and I'm sure there are questions waiting for me inside." Manda started walking away then.  
Dean followed her without a word. He had wanted to tell her to lay off the coffee, but he wasn't about to start another argument with her, and he was almost certain that she'd be able to sleep for a little anyway when he was lying beside her later.

[ - ]

Both Sam and Church had read through Manda's notes and were trying to figure out what could have given her the scars, but were coming up with nothing much. It sounded like a demon to them, except for when she had seen it, that made it sound like it had been something else.  
Sam was now searching for anything that sounded vaguely like what was happening with her scars.  
Church was searching online for anything that Manda might have done while possessed, but since they had no idea where she had been there wasn't much to work with.  
They both looked up when they heard the door open and Manda walked back in followed by Dean.  
"Got anything yet?" Manda asked them as she walked into the living.  
"Nothing, but we're working on it," Church answered.  
Sam shook his head. "We're not even sure your possession and the stuff happening with your scars is related either, but we're not ruling it out yet."  
"Where's the notes on that job?" Dean asked as he sat down on the couch.  
Sam picked a notebook and handed it to Dean.  
"Okay, if no one needs me right now then I'll make some fresh coffee," Manda said as she headed to the kitchen.  
"Make it for us, not for you," Church called after her. "I'm sure the three of us can handle this and you can try to get some rest."  
Manda cursed silently as she stuck on another pot of coffee. She walked back into the living room when she was done.  
"She's right… let the three of us talk about this for awhile and we'll ask you whatever we want to know later," Sam said as he looked up from his laptop at her.  
Dean stopped reading and nodded as he looked at Manda to let her know he agreed.  
"So that's no to Hollywood then is it Randy, Paula, and Simon?" she joked.  
Sam chuckled. At times Manda was too much like his brother with the wisecracks and while it was a bit disturbing it was also funny when both of them got started.  
Dean smirked because that was more like her, back to being witty and joking around. He loved that her humour could match his easily.  
Church laughed. She knew she was Paula but wondered which brother would be the other two singing competition judges to her.  
"Fine, I'll go. Church knows where everything is if you guys need anything, but my house is your house for as long as you're here, so help yourselves to whatever," Manda said and then headed for upstairs.  
Church, Sam, and Dean stayed downstairs to continue searching for the answers to the questions about what had happened to Manda, but weren't coming up with much besides more questions that had no answers still.


	5. Chapter 5

Manda tried lying down and resting. Her eyes were heavy but she fought against closing them. Closing her eyes had become a sort of like a nightmare for her the past two days. Each time she had tried to sleep she was flooded with ideas of what she could have done while being possessed.  
There were so many ways she saw what her missing days might have been filled with, and each scenario Manda's mind was throwing at her had kept her from falling asleep because she didn't know which one would turn out to be right. The only thing she knew for certain was that no matter which one it turned out to be, it ended in the death of someone innocent, or a few people even. The blood that had been on her hands and her clothes indicated that much.  
Then there was the matter of feeling something dark inside her still, but whether it was from her scars that were itching or from having had a demon in her, she wasn't sure.  
She was either right about that feeling or was just being paranoid that something horrible was still lurking inside of her waiting for the moment to take her over again.  
Manda decided then that she had humoured everyone downstairs long enough. She'd been up in her room for about two hours now and was still wide awake even if she was beyond tired.  
She knew she should feel safe enough to sleep since there were three more hunters downstairs, and none of them would let anything happen to her. They were all here to help her figure things out too, but it wasn't putting her mind at ease.  
Manda pulled the necklace out of the breast pocket on her shirt and held it tightly in one hand. Dean had been right when he told her she should wear it all the time from now on.  
She got up, and dug out a different chain from a hiding spot under the floor boards that were under the bed. She had very little jewellery as it was, and some of it never went on the road with her in case she lost it. Leaving it in a house that wasn't lived in full-time probably wasn't smart, but if someone could find the hiding spot, then she thought maybe they deserved to take it. No one ever had though, and for that she was thankful.  
Manda transferred the symbol to the new chain, and then did the clasp up around her neck and tucked the necklace under her shirt.  
Then she headed back downstairs because she wasn't about to get any sleep, and she knew it would be time to feed her guests soon. She could also do with being around one of them because he always made her feel a little more relaxed and she needed that right now.

[ - ]

Dean had brought in the wood for Manda when he'd taken a break from looking for answers awhile ago, and was now just laying on the couch thinking and resting.  
He had left Sam and Church in the library as they went through the books Manda had left out and as they tried to come up with a theory or two. Dean was sure they were having a geeky moment over the collection of books they had come across as they scanned the titles. Manda's grandfather or father had put together a collection that could rival Bobby's, and while it might be helpful for something, Dean wasn't sure where to start.  
He heard the footsteps approaching and opened his eyes.  
"Looks like you're getting more rest than me," Manda said as she sat down on the loveseat.  
Dean sat up and looked at her. "Didn't manage to fall asleep at all?"  
She shook her head.  
"I might be able to help you with that later." Dean knew she needed things to be kept light right now, and that she needed a little of their normal playful banter.  
Manda laughed. "You're definitely welcome to try, Winchester."  
He raised a brow at her. She was throwing a loaded suggestive challenge at him, and he would gladly accept it. "Oh, I've got an idea or two that should work."  
"And I've got more than one or two after three months." Manda's grin was naughty as she made another insinuation. She knew he enjoyed when she got this way with him.  
"I bet you do." Dean returned the grin, knowing he had more than one or two ideas himself.  
"So, where are Sam and Church?" Manda changed the topic even if she did enjoy the effort he was making to play around a little.  
"Still going over all that stuff you had out in the library," Dean answered her. He wasn't sure what the sudden switch was about, but he wouldn't ask.  
"Guess you guys have come up with as much as I did then," she replied quietly.  
He sort of wished there was something he could tell her, but there wasn't as of yet. He knew how badly she wanted to know something no matter what it was that might have happened. "We'll figure it out, Manda."  
Manda didn't say anything. She just looked around the room. "Thanks for bringing in the wood," she said as she noticed the pile stacked by the fireplace.  
"You can thank me later when you show me a few of those ideas you have." Dean had to try to lighten the mood again when she looked this lost, stressed out, and too serious.  
She looked back at him and laughed. She should have known he would try to distract her from thinking too much about everything. "We do have some catching up to do, don't we?"  
Dean nodded and could only smirk. They definitely did have some catching up to do.  
"Not exactly the weekend I wanted to ask you here for though, is it?"  
"No, that definitely would have been a better reason to be here." He knew it was true. If it had been that weekend there was no way they'd be sitting here talking right now.  
"But it's not," she sighed.  
Both of them got quiet for a minute or two then, their eyes avoiding each other.  
"Any good places to eat around here?" Dean was hungry, and he had been through her fridge before, so he knew she hadn't done much shopping.  
"Oh yeah, that's what I came down here for. I wanted to know what you guys wanted to eat. I would cook everyone a real dinner, but I barely shopped enough for two people, never mind four." Manda had forgotten about the food, she wasn't even that hungry anyway.  
"You cook?" Dean looked at her surprised. He figured she cooked a little, as in frozen food or something out of a can that only needed to be heated.  
Manda laughed. "Don't be shocked, at some point I had to learn domestic skills too. Plus, I get a little sick of eating all of that diner and fast food, and whatever junk food can be bought from a gas station."  
Dean chuckled. "Living the normal life when you're here?"  
"Not quite normal, but as normal as it gets for people like us," she said.  
She had him there. "Making a run to the store and for some take-out then?"  
"I should be nice enough to feed the three of you while I'm playing hostess instead of hunter," Manda grinned a little sarcastically. Hunter was the role she knew and lived, hostess wasn't.  
"Are you okay to drive?" He figured she was because half the time they all drove around tired, but she probably hadn't slept much in a few days now.  
"Going to escort me, Winchester? Do all the heavy lifting of grocery bags?" she joked. She knew he was hinting at her lack of sleep, and she really didn't want to drive as it was.  
He laughed. "You're capable of lifting them yourself, but I don't think you should be wandering around alone in case something is still going on. So I'll go with you." Dean didn't want her going anywhere by herself. He had thought about it, and no matter how much she could handle something on her own, she wouldn't have to as long as they were all here.  
"Fine," Manda agreed. She wouldn't fight him on it because whether she wanted him to be or not, Dean would be a bit protective over her while he was here. And in a way it was a relief for her. "Let me go ask Sam and Church what they want, and then we can go."  
Dean nodded.  
Manda got up and went to the library.  
Church was behind the computer, and Sam was digging through a bookcase when she got there.  
They both looked at her as they heard her come into the room.  
"Find anything, guys?" she asked.  
"Nothing useful yet," Church answered her. "But Sam and I have come up with a few things that need a little more research."  
"You can tell me over dinner when I get back with it. What do you guys want?"  
"Um… one of us should probably go with you just in case," Sam said.  
"Dean volunteered already," Manda replied.  
"Of course," Sam chuckled under his breath. He knew how his brother got over her, and right now Dean would be sticking pretty close to her for most of the time they were here.  
Church laughed silently as she looked at Sam and he looked back at her. The two of them found it funny how her friend and his brother danced around each other with this weird understanding instead of actually dating.  
Manda saw them hiding their laughter, but ignored it. "I guess you get whatever then."  
"You need to buy some other stuff too, Manda, The fridge is just about empty," Church said.  
"I know. I'm hitting the grocery store too to pick up some more stuff." She sighed at the reminder. Right now grocery shopping just didn't sound appealing at all.  
Sam looked away, trying not to laugh as he pictured Dean wandering around a grocery store with Manda. It would just be too funny to see.  
"I'm sure whatever you get will be fine." Church wasn't picky, and Manda knew what kind of stuff she ate or didn't eat.  
"I agree," Sam added in.  
Manda turned around and left.  
Both Sam and Church laughed when she was gone.  
"Did you get the same mental image I did of them grocery shopping?" Church asked.  
"Yeah," Sam answered. "And Dean will wait in the car even if he won't want to leave her alone."  
Manda had heard them and tried not to laugh herself as she walked to the kitchen.  
She took a quick look to see what she needed to grab, and then she went back to the living room to find her wallet, phone, and whatever else she needed.  
Dean was waiting there for her. "Ready?"  
"Almost," Manda said. She grabbed her wallet and phone, and shoved them in her jean pockets. Then she opened a small drawer on the table and pulled out a gun.  
Watching her tuck the old pistol that Dean knew had been her dad's, and was the one she usually carried on her, in the back of her jeans and pulling the back of her shirt down over it to conceal it, he chuckled. "Expecting a killer tomato to attack you or do you always shop with that?"  
"Hmm, never seen one of those yet, and a gun would be useless for it, but you know, old habits." Manda grinned at him. Then she walked over to where the door was, grabbed a jacket and her shoes, and stuck them on. "Let's go."  
Dean nodded in agreement as he followed her, and reached for the knife he and Sam had gotten from Ruby in his coat pocket. He walked out of the house first, and went to the Impala.  
"So, where are we going?" he asked Manda as she climbed into the passenger seat.  
Manda gave him the directions as Dean backed up the car and turned around to head out.

[ - ]

An hour later Manda had done some shopping. She'd gotten enough to make sure there was stuff for everyone while they were at her house.  
Sam had been right after all too, Dean had waited in the car for her since he didn't want to appear overprotective. He had also figured that the store was busy enough, so chances were she'd be fine by herself in there.  
She had told him she'd call him instantly if anything did happen before she went in, but it had been uneventful, and she'd come back out with what she had bought and loaded it in his car.  
Dean had no idea what he wanted to eat, and when he asked Manda, she had said she didn't know either, so he drove around for awhile looking for somewhere.  
He finally decided, found a place and parked the car. He looked over at her and saw her eyes were closed. "Manda?"  
She didn't answer and her breathing was a little deep, and Dean knew she had fallen asleep while he had been driving. She'd gotten quiet for awhile and he hadn't bothered to keep her talking, so she had probably only closed her eyes for a second and then the exhaustion had taken over.  
Dean didn't want to wake her, she was tired and it seemed she had felt safe enough to fall asleep while he was around her.  
He reached over her carefully and locked the door. Then he got out, and left her asleep and locked inside his Impala while he went to order something for everyone. He ended up calling his brother and finding out what Church wanted, and chose something Manda would want from what he knew about her eating habits.  
When Dean came back to the car, he put the food in the back, got in the front and had just closed his door when Manda jolted awake.  
Manda heard the car door close and it had roused her from the light sleep. Her eyes searched around frantically as she tried focusing on where she was. "No, not again… not again," she mumbled quickly and in a panic as her hands shot up in front of her so she could look at them.  
"Hey… look at me, Manda." Dean reached and gently brushed her cheek with the back of one finger, and then he slipped his fingers under her chin, turning her head towards him. "You're okay, you fell asleep."  
"Dean…" She looked at him strangely for a second, and then with relief. She took a deep breath as she calmed down at knowing she was in fact okay right then.  
"How long was I out?"  
"Twenty, twenty-five minutes give or take. You passed out before I found somewhere to grab food." His hand left her chin, and then he started up the car.  
"Sorry," Manda yawned.  
"It's all right." Dean started driving back to her house.  
Manda had closed her eyes while he'd been driving before and somehow had fallen asleep without visions filling her head for a little while. She knew that had to be because she was with Dean. He always made her feel safe when they were around each other.  
She reached out across the seat with her left hand, and placed it on the back of his head. Then she brushed a few fingers through his hair gently before she put her hand back at her side. "Thanks for coming out here for me, Dean."  
Dean grinned at her. He knew she was relaxing a little now because he was around, and now she was acting a bit soft too. "Anytime, Manda, you know that."  
Manda's smile was small as she looked back at Dean before he looked back at the road. She needed him, and wanted to tell him that, but she wasn't sure she could or if she was ready to say it out loud yet.

[ - ]

Church and Sam had decided to take a break when Dean and Manda returned.  
Manda tossed her jacket by the door, and then went about putting everything away while the rest of them started to eat.  
"So you didn't find anything yet?" Dean asked.  
"Well, it's hard to say. There are some things that could be what Manda did, but we don't really know where she was yet," Sam answered his brother.  
Chuch nodded. "And as for the scars… still nothing and still not sure it's related."  
Manda was vaguely listening to them as she put groceries away. They were sitting at the kitchen table even though she had told them it didn't matter to her where they ate.  
"Okay, we keep looking then. Maybe call Bobby, see if he knows of anything." Dean smirked as a beer was placed in front of him. He had forgotten to grab one, and now Manda had just brought him one without asking. He found it a little weird how she seemed to be able to read his mind at times, but that was just how she was. She usually seemed to know what he needed probably because of how alike they were in ways.  
"Yeah, Bobby might be able to figure out what left those scars and if it's connected," Sam said.  
"Then one of us should call him," Church threw out the obvious suggestion.  
"Guys… until we know where I was, we're not going to know what the hell I did. I want to know what happened more than any of you do, but can we just take the rest of the night off and get back at it tomorrow? I'm tired, you guys are probably tired of looking for something that might make sense, and it's been a long day." Manda finally sat down in the empty chair and reached for her food.  
The three other hunters traded looks with each other, and then all of them agreed to let it go for the rest of the night for her sake.  
They all got to talking then, sharing a few stories about hunts and funny things that had happened while on the road while they ate, cleaned up and then ended up scattered in the living room.  
Manda was glad they had decided to agree to the night off, but she didn't want to force them to hang around for her sake either.  
"Okay… I'm heading up to take a long hot bath, so stick around or go out if you want to. Church, you know where the spare key is if anyone needs it," she said as she put her empty beer bottle on the table. "Oh, and somebody start up a fire soon please, and keep it going or else it's a bit cold overnight without one." She got up and went upstairs then.  
Church looked at Sam. "What do you say, Sam? Want to hit a bar… catch up for awhile?"  
Sam nodded at her. "Sure, sounds good."  
Dean smirked to himself as he heard them, and flicked on the TV. He needed to kill some time if Manda was taking a bath before he went up to her room. They'd be alone in the house now, and from what she had said earlier, he knew she would welcome a little help with getting to sleep tonight.  
"Okay, I'm driving then. Let's go." Church got up and went to grab her keys from where she had left them.  
"Call if anything else happens," Sam said to Dean as he got up.  
"Have fun catching up with your girlfriend, Sammy," Dean teased. He knew what catching up meant for Chuch and Sam, and that usually involved more than just a couple of drinks. The few times they'd seen each other since they'd met, Dean knew Sam hadn't come back until the next morning or close enough to it.  
Church came back then, and heard Dean. He was joking around and she knew it. "He will, Dean, don't worry about that." She headed towards the door.  
Sam laughed. "Dude... I'd say have fun with yours, but then you'd have to admit that's what you want Manda to be."  
Dean's eyes went wide for a second as he realized Sam had it figured out, and then he glared at his brother.  
Sam walked away before Dean could say anything, and found Church by the door sticking on her shoes.  
Church laughed as she grabbed Manda's jacket since she didn't feel like running upstairs to where she'd left her own. "Nice job at shutting him up," she said as they left.  
Dean sat there for awhile thinking about what Sam had said. Maybe that was what he wanted Manda to be, but he wasn't sure that's what she would ever be.  
He wondered if he could find a way to ask her for more than this understanding they had, or if she would find a way to ask for it first. Dean didn't know if either of them ever would though, or if they'd just continue this weird little game of denial they sort of had about what they both wanted, and what they would both let themselves have with each other. He cared about Manda a lot, loved her a little even, and yet he still hadn't said anything about that to her.  
Dean went and helped himself to another beer, and then got the fire going in the fireplace. He decided he'd wait a little longer before he went upstairs, and then that maybe when he got there he'd find a way to tell her a little bit of how he felt. But if he couldn't, then at least he was here for her, and he hoped that would be enough for right now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets a little soft, and a little warm in this one...

Manda had taken a shorter bath than she had intended on. The warmth was making her sleepy and as much as she wanted to sleep, she wasn't about to go to bed yet. She was tired, but there were other things she was more tired of.  
She knew who would be coming up the stairs eventually, and that kept her going.  
Three months had given her quite a longing for Dean, and while she knew she could have just been with someone else or quite a few guys in that time, she hadn't bothered.  
A little over a month ago she had met a guy who had reminded her a little of Dean, but the more Manda had talked to him, the more she knew then that a random guy might have been great to fill a night of loneliness with, but he wasn't who she really wanted. She had just settled for memories from then on out until she could meet up with the man she did want again.  
Standing there in her room, Manda debated calling down to Dean, but decided against it. He would wander up sooner or later, and she hoped to find out an idea or two that he had at helping her sleep because if not, she had plenty of her own and knew it wouldn't take much to convince him.  
Manda really did want the night off, and for her that meant not thinking about what had happened to her. She wanted to just forget it for right now, maybe just pretend for a little while that the hunting life was one she didn't know a thing about, and to spend some time with Dean.  
Even if they'd done their sort of apology earlier, she wanted to make it up to him for not calling, and maybe to give him a little of that perfect weekend she joked about since he had come out here for her.  
Digging through a bag, she selected something she'd picked up awhile ago with that weekend in mind. Dean was pretty easy to turn on, she knew that. He had always found it amusing that she never wore plain bras and panties, but stuff that was a bit soft and girly. Hunting was almost always anything but feminine, but she liked to maintain that aspect of herself under the normal outfit of jeans, shirts, tank tops and jackets she usually had on. Sometimes she dressed up a little more for whatever con she had to work on a job, but most of the time she didn't.  
Manda got dressed, and then went to find something to do while she waited, wondering how long it would take for Dean to make his way up to her.

[ - ]

Dean had turned off the TV, stoked the fire one more time, and then locked up for her. He knew Church had a key, so she'd have to use it when she and Sam came back or they were spending the night in her car for all he cared.  
He wandered up the stairs with a beer in his hand, and hoped Manda hadn't fallen asleep. She hadn't come back downstairs, and either that was one long bath or she had turned in for the night despite what she had said earlier.  
Dean walked up the second set of stairs to her room, and then his jaw dropped a little when he was at the top and standing in the open doorway.  
"I Just Want To Have Something To Do" by the Ramones had just started playing softly and Manda sat on the bed with her back against the headboard. Her knees were raised and pulled up close to her, and she was wearing a thin, short black satin robe. The robe rested more around her hips to leave her legs completely exposed. He couldn't really see what she else she had on from where he was and because her knees were blocking the rest of her. The robe was open though, and he could see a hint of red peeking out from behind her legs. He was more than curious right then to see the rest, even though he knew he'd be happy with what he saw anyway since he thought Manda had a great body. She was trim but still had just enough curves in all the right places.  
She was an attractive woman, and he'd seen how other guys checked had her out in bars. Looking at her from head to toe with that lustful look in their eyes as they went from her pretty face surrounded by the long wavy hair all the way down her long legs in the just tight enough jeans she almost always wore, wondering what a night with her might be like.  
So she always looked good in his mind, but what really set the scene for him right now though was the revolver she had in her hand. The cylinder was out, and she was looking closely at the whole thing. She was every bit a hunter, but just as much of a woman too, and that was just attractive to him.  
"Well that's just perfect," Manda muttered to herself a little annoyed.  
"It is," Dean said out loud, and then realized he hadn't meant to. He was caught up in watching her, and he was sure she had no idea how hot she looked right now. She was definitely his kind of girl, and seeing her like this only reconfirmed it for him. He had no idea right then why he'd waited so long to see her again, why he didn't try to see her a little more, or why he didn't push for more from her besides this understanding they had.  
Manda heard Dean, looked up, turned her head to see at him standing in the doorway and laughed. "I was talking about the revolver, and right now it's far from perfect."  
"I wasn't… but what's wrong with it?" Dean walked in the room then, pushed the door to close behind him even if they were alone in the house, and sipped on the beer he'd forgotten was in his hand as he walked over to the bed.  
"It needs to be cleaned, a slight alignment tweaking, and something else I haven't figured out yet. I meant to pull it apart since it was sticking a little and jammed once on the last job, but..." Manda stopped. She had meant to do it before she'd gone missing, and right now she didn't want to think about that.  
Dean sat down on the end of her bed on an angle and put out a hand. "Let me have a look at it." It was the last thing he wanted to have a look at right now, but he'd do it for her anyway.  
"Trade? Since you weren't nice enough to bring me a beer too." She smiled even though she could see he wasn't looking at her face.  
His eyes were stuck on her legs. Her thighs were a little more toned than he remembered them being, but still looked just as good. Even with the old and faded small scars on her legs here and there, they were still long, and he could tell they were just as smooth as he remembered them feeling. His eyes finally traveled up to her face when he felt her gaze on him. "Didn't know you'd want one, but sure," he said, smirking. He couldn't refuse her, especially not right now looking like this.  
She traded him the revolver for his beer.  
Dean watched her take a sip of beer, and then as she placed the bottle on top of one knee and held it there. If Manda was trying to seduce him tonight, it was working. Dean wanted to toss the revolver aside, reach for her legs and pull her down to him, but instead he looked at it trying to focus on the task at hand instead.  
He didn't know if she realized how good she looked now compared to earlier. The bath had relaxed her, and she seemed a little livelier than she had been before, and concentrating on the revolver wasn't working.  
He looked it over quickly, only for about a minute, and then stopped when he saw her stretch out her legs on the bed, moving the beer bottle to rest on her thigh now. "It does need a few things, but I'll take a better look at it tomorrow."  
"Thanks." She offered him the beer back in return for the revolver.  
Dean's eyes scanned over her. She was wearing red bikini panties and a sheer red camisole that left little to the imagination given that it hugged her in all the right places, barely made it to her waist and he could see her skin through it. The breast section wasn't sheer though, but it had a good cut that highlighted what she had well. He noticed that she had put the symbol he'd found in her car on a new chain, and that it hung right to where her breasts started. He grinned as he clicked the cylinder shut, and then handed the revolver back to her, thinking about how much he wanted her right now.  
Manda sort of shook her head, laughed a little at the look on Dean's face, and then stretched out to put the revolver in the drawer of the night table.  
Dean saw the cut of her bikini underwear better when she moved. The only thing that held them on was the thin elastic that sat a little low across her hips. She had chosen well for tempting him, he had to admit that much. Leaving a little to wonder about here and there while still looking alluring too. He felt a little warm suddenly and chugged on the beer.  
She looked back at him and could tell he was enjoying what he saw. "Liking what you see, Winchester?"  
"Always have, Chambers," he answered with a naughty smile.  
Manda chuckled. "Just thought I should make up for not calling you… let you have a little taste of that weekend you should be here for instead."  
"Is this one of those ideas you were mentioning earlier?" He took the last sip of beer now. He was trying to stop himself from just reaching out until she wanted him to.  
She leaned forward towards him. "Maybe," she said as she slid her hand over his, and then took the empty bottle from his hand.  
Dean was ready to pull her back by the arm, but he leaned back on the bed, rested on an elbow and watched her instead.  
Manda stuck the bottle on the night table, and then she got up from the bed.  
Dean sighed softly as he sat up again. Manda was looking to tease him, and it seemed she knew just how to do it. He knew she wasn't going to play fair tonight, but he was ready to match her game soon, and he knew this would turn out to be one hell of a night once he did.  
She walked over to the stereo which was now playing AC/DC's 'Let Me Put My Love Into You.'  
Dean got up quickly and followed her. She wasn't getting very far away from him for the rest of the night.  
Manda was singing along with the song when she went to reach out to the stereo and felt Dean's hands settle on her hips. "I was only going to turn this off and then I was coming back." She felt him sweep all her hair over her left shoulder, and then the soft kiss landed on the right side of her neck.  
"Too late… and leave it on," he whispered in her ear, letting one hand run down to her thigh.  
"Hoping for a lap dance, Winchester, or a strip tease maybe?" She reached up behind her with her right hand, and stroked his face lightly.  
Dean's eyes went wide not thinking he had heard her right, and then knowing he had. He knew she'd do one of them if he wanted her to. It was obvious she'd be good at it too from how she was going about things now, but the teasing either involved would have him so worked up he wouldn't be able to sit for long if she did one of them. "Tempting, Manda, but without the no touching rule you wouldn't get too far into either one." The hand he had left on her thigh glided up the front of her slowly beneath the open robe before it went back down again to stop on her waist as he hummed along with the song. He let a trail of kisses and a bit of his tongue work up the side of her neck.  
Manda chuckled as she placed both her hands over his on her waist. She swayed slowly, just a little against him in a way she knew would tease him badly. "True… another time I guess." The robe slipped off her shoulders just a bit then.  
Dean couldn't believe her tonight, she was looking to drive him up the wall with all this. Manda had never been quite this way before, but it was only making him like her more. He knew this was going to be even better than he'd imagined it would be since the last time he'd seen her.  
"Ready to make this a fair game?" he whispered the question really low in her ear. Then he went to kiss the spot on the base of her neck that he knew drove her wild, but stopped when he saw the scars. His head straightened as he looked down at her shoulder.  
"If you're stopping this now, you're so going to… " Manda started to say as she felt the way he had backed off a bit.  
"Mind if I get a look at look at your back now? I didn't get to see your scars too closely earlier," he cut her off. Dean had meant to get a better look at her scars, and as much as he wanted to keep this going, he knew he had to look at them now and not later. He let go of Manda, and took a deep breath to try to clear his head as he didn't believe he was stopping things right now.  
She turned and looked at him with a bit of disbelief and disappointment. "You want to look at them now? Way to kill the moment, Dean."  
His eyes went down the front of her and he held back as much as he could on a grin. "Trust me, Manda… that moment is going to be easy to get back to." Dean kissed her passionately then, let her feel the desire he had for her. "Or I can keep it sort of going while I look."  
"Okay… whatever you want to do then." She turned around again and felt his hands guide off the robe from her arms, and then saw it land somewhere on the floor nearby. Manda went to grab the end of the camisole but he pushed her hands away. She looked at him over her shoulder questioningly, and only saw him smile at her in return.  
Dean put his fingers on the top of her thighs, let them rake up gently to her waist, and then found the sides of the camisole. He bunched the fabric a little in his fingers, and then began pulling it up and off her. He was about to toss it when she grabbed it from him.  
"It's not exactly that warm in here yet, Winchester," Manda said playfully. She held the camisole to her chest with her right hand. She definitely wasn't shy with him, but she was a little cold and standing there like this wouldn't help.  
Dean chuckled a little, and took a step back. "I'll look quickly."  
Manda nodded and looked straight in front of her again.  
He eyed her for a moment standing there with her hair hanging halfway down hair back, all the naked skin, her ass looking as good as he remembered in the string bikini cut underwear. And he was kicking himself for stopping the moment right then as he continued to look at her and saw the woman leak through in the hunter she was.  
Manda might be hard, strong, and guarded most of the time, but she was also soft, fragile and vulnerable at times too. The scars that covered her randomly meshed with the softness of her skin. Her muscles were toned but had never gotten bulky given the strength they had. She was tough in a lot of ways, but there was a delicateness to those same ways too when she let it be shown. She was such a combination of things that it just worked for her, and it worked for him. Dean loved the mixture of things she was and how she switched between them when she needed to.  
He moved her hair back over her left shoulder again since it had fallen down her back, and finally looked at the scars down the right side of back now. They were quite reddish in colour and looked like she'd just had the stitches taken out of them. He didn't understand it. They were over five months old and shouldn't look like this. "They did heal completely right?"  
"You saw them before, they didn't look like this." She was standing there waiting for him to finish looking, and knew he'd been looking at more than her scars at first.  
Dean stepped closer again, reached out with his right hand and lightly placed two fingers on the ones that started on her shoulder. He watched her shudder as soon as his fingers touched the top of them and started to sweep downwards. He knew that it had nothing to do with how cold she might have been standing there almost naked now.  
Manda's back tensed, and she looked over her shoulder at him. "Don't," she barely got out the word.  
Dean heard the tremble in her voice, and his fingers stopped where they were, barely down her back at all. Manda had always shuddered whenever he touched them, and he believed it bugged her, but she had never said anything before. "Why?"  
She turned her head away from him and bowed it. Dean usually tried not to touch her scars, but it couldn't be avoided at times. Manda had tried to feel comfortable with it, but there was something about the way he did touch them that sent a chill through her. It was always delicately soft, like he didn't want to remind her of the pain that had come along with them, but it only seemed to intensify it for her.  
"You touching them… it's just… it's too much." Her voice had broken a little as she spoke, and Manda reached behind her with her left arm and went to grab his hand in order to push it away from her back.  
Dean used his left hand to stop her. He moved her arm back to her side and held it there. "You got them because of me." He let his fingers starting brushing down over her scars again, and he added two more fingers when he reached the smaller ones halfway down.  
"No, I got them because of me." She was the one who had gotten careless after pushing him away when they had met. Manda didn't place any blame on him for it, it had all been her fault and he knew she felt that way. She let out a sharp exhale and shivered again as his fingers reached the end of the scars.  
Dean gently moved her arm to in front of her, put it across her waist, and then slipped his fingers through hers as his hand went over hers to keep it there. He put his right arm around her, going over her arm that was holding the camisole to her chest, and let his hand grip around her upper left arm. "You wouldn't have gone out on that job like that if it wasn't for me," he said before kissing her shoulder right where the scars began.  
Manda gasped and went completely stiff. He had never done that before, and she thought he had known better than to do it.  
"Hey… it's okay," he whispered in her ear. He had almost forgotten how perfectly she seemed to fit in his arms, how much he liked having her there. Dean pulled her a little tighter against him, but felt her remain completely still and tense. "It's okay."  
She could feel her eyes welling up. "Please, Dean, stop…"  
"Sshhhh," he cut her off softly as he heard the pain in her voice. "It's all right… I'm not going to hurt you." Dean kissed her shoulder again and continued going up and to the side of her neck. He wanted her to get comfortable with him touching her scars instead of always hiding the pain and recoiling just a little. "I know what comes attached to those kinds of wounds, Manda. You don't have to keep hiding it from me."  
She closed her eyes, and fought off the tears that wanted to spill. Dean was being gentle with her and letting her know he was there for her in his own way. He was also right, he knew all too well about what came attached to wounds like the ones they both had, and he would never hurt her intentionally. Hiding things was what Manda did though, and while she knew she shouldn't do it with him, it was just easier at times. "I-I just… I'm not…" She was struggling to find the words.  
Dean planted a few more tender kisses on her neck. "You trust me right?"  
She nodded slowly. Manda did trust him, with her life if she was honest about it.  
"Then you don't have to keep being strong right now. You know you're safe with me." He held on to her, and waited for her to relax a little or to respond.  
Manda stood there completely rigid and still for a few minutes as she thought about it. She knew Dean was telling the truth, she would always be safe with him. He'd never given her a reason to doubt that. She squeezed his fingers tightly, but didn't say anything.  
He knew the squeeze was her way of saying she would let him look after her. Dean felt her relax against him a little then. "I won't let anything happen to you, Manda," he whispered, and kissed the side of her head.  
"Dean," she said weakly. Manda tilted her head back and turned it to look at him then. She felt his grip loosen a little so she could do it without straining her neck too much.  
"Mm-hmm,' he mumbled as his lips met the corner of hers. Then Dean turned her around to keep the kiss going.  
Manda let go of her camisole then, and put her arms around his neck. "I'm tired of being alone," she whispered out the confession. She was tired of it, she'd been alone for too long now and it was wearing her down more and more lately.  
"You don't have to be now." Dean's arms went around Manda's back, and he pulled her right against him.  
The kiss she gave him was hard and hungry. She started edging him backwards to the bed, unbuttoning his shirt and sliding it off him on the way there.  
Dean let her pull him out his shirt, and kept meeting her kisses with the same hunger now. He felt the bed at the back of legs before Manda pushed him back and he fell against the mattress.  
She was over him quickly in a low straddle with one leg in between his, the other on the other side of one of his. Her arms were on the bed on each side of his head with her elbows keeping her propped up. "I don't want think anymore tonight," Manda said as she looked down at him.  
Dean had let his hands start on her thighs, worked them up to her hips, and then ran up her back gently. "I can help you with that." He tucked a bit of her hair that had fallen over her face behind one ear, and then put his hand on the back of her neck, pulling her in for a kiss. She took it deeper quickly and he rolled them over.  
He knew what Manda needed right now whether she was exhausted or not, she needed something that would take her mind off everything for a little while and maybe leave her to sleep soundly when it was over.  
Manda stopped the kiss, and put a hand on the side of his face. Her eyes searched deep into his. "God, I've missed you," she said truthfully. She didn't care if he didn't say it back, but she needed him to know that's how it was for her.  
Dean pushed himself a bit up on his elbows, and was leaning over her as he saw the truth in her eyes. He heard it in her voice too, and his smile was genuine as he looked down at her. Manda was finally admitting she missed him, and he knew he should tell her the same thing back, but he couldn't just yet. "I know you did." His lips came crashing down on hers and he hoped she felt back what he didn't say.  
Manda's hands went for his t-shirt and started pulling it off him as she lost herself in the intense kiss.  
He had to break away briefly for his shirt to go over his head, but then felt her lips on his throat quickly, and then they were coming up his chin urgently to find his mouth. When Manda locked her open mouth on his, Dean felt her pull him closer on her.  
"Sorry I let so much time go by without seeing you," she mumbled as his lips trailed from her mouth down to her chest. Manda knew he was going to leave her for a moment since there were still a few items of clothing to remove between them.  
Dean heard her and came back up to look at her. "Don't be." His fingers had made their way to the sides of the waistband of her panties and he was tugging down just a little. His eyes burned into Manda's with a look that said what he wanted now, and saw that she wanted it too. "Now can we get to that not thinking part, make up for some of that time?"  
She nodded, and lifted her hips to let him do what he wanted. Manda would let him take over now, and he would look after her while she let her guard down for the night. It had been far too long since the last time she'd been with Dean, and she needed him and this more than she thought he probably knew.

[ - ]

Church and Sam pulled into the driveway at Manda's house in the darkness of the night.  
It had been a few hours since they'd left. They had caught up over a few drinks, and then had a little fun in the back of her car before they decided to head back.  
The door was locked when they got to it, and Church had used her key to let them in. Both of them were laughing a little as they walked in and found the house quiet and in darkness.  
Chuch turned on a small lamp, and emptied the pockets of Manda's jacket that she had borrowed on the table by the door. Then she took off the jacket and hung it up.  
Sam was heading up the stairs first. She had invited him to spend the night with her, maybe to have a little more fun too.  
Church wandered to the fireplace and added a bit more wood to it. It had died down from whenever it had been set, and she knew it was cold at night without it going.  
Then she went back to where she had put her stuff and sorted through what she had left on the table. She picked out her change, her wallet, her keys she had tossed in the pile, but left behind a matchbook and some lip gloss. Both were Manda's, but Chuch didn't pay too much attention to either item before she made sure she had locked up, and headed up the stairs to meet Sam.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean awoke to find himself in a bit of an entangled spooning position with Manda. He had one arm over her that was protectively holding her close to him, and her arm rested lightly over his. His other arm was stretched out across the bed and her cheek rested on it instead of the pillow.  
He smiled as he thought about how amazing last night had been, and how good this moment was right now. It'd been awhile since he'd had anything this good, and right now he wanted to relish it. He knew it wouldn't last for much longer, these kinds of moments never did.  
Manda was warm and soft, and even though he'd only woken up to her handful of times, he missed it a little. If he was honest with himself, he wanted this to happen a bit more often if it could.  
Dean had never had the urge to sneak out before she woke when he was with her, and he never would. As much as he enjoyed the fleeting moments they shared that allowed for no commitment, he felt he could get used to this and her. They would have to work out something that let them see each other a little more frequently though. But while a part of him wanted that, he had his reasons for being reluctant to try it, and he knew she had her own too.  
He lay there for a little and thought about much he cared but how he kept it to himself, and how the feelings he had for her had only deepened a little more after last night.  
He raised his head, and then slowly slid his arm from under her cheek to reclaim it. Manda moaned sweetly, and titled her head down more. Dean stopped moving briefly because the last thing he wanted to do was wake her since she needed the sleep she was finally getting. He was relieved to see she didn't wake up though.  
Once his arm was free, Dean raised himself a little more to look at her. Manda was in such a deep sleep that he knew he wouldn't wake her at all. She had to have felt safe with him there, and known he'd told the truth when he had said he wouldn't let anything happen to her to finally let her exhaustion win.  
Dean was finally ready to say the words he should have said last night then. It was easier this way for him, even when he knew it was wrong to do it while she slept. The words were still hard to admit to, but if she had been able to say it, then he knew he had to too.  
He bowed his head over hers. "Missed you too," he barely whispered over Manda's ear. He gave her a light, quick kiss on the top of the head, and then gently removed his arm around her.  
Dean sat up completely and stretched. It was another day, and while it had started off better than a lot of them had lately, there were still answers that needed to be found for the woman he had just admitted a difficult truth to. But first he wanted to enjoy a shower in a bathroom he knew would be better than the ones he was used to, and pretend life was more like this for just another minute or two.

[ - ]

Church was making breakfast, and Sam was sitting at the table drinking coffee when Dean strolled in.  
"I knew he'd come running as soon as he smelt food," Church joked as she dumped a pile of bacon on a plate.  
Sam laughed.  
Dean stole some bacon off the plate, took a good bite, and poured himself a coffee. "I could definitely get used to this."  
"How do you put up with him, Sam?" Church asked as she placed an assortment of food on the table.  
"I'm used to it," Sam chuckled.  
Dean sat down and instantly helped himself to everything.  
Sam and Church both watched him and tried not to laugh at the scene.  
"What?" Dean asked as another slice of bacon hit his mouth.  
"Dude…" Sam raised a brow at his brother, and looked at him funny.  
Dean ignored Sam and kept eating.  
Sam and Church helped themselves to what they wanted then.  
There was silence between them for awhile, each of them finding this a bit strange, not knowing what to say.  
"So… do we get to the business as to why we're all here or what?" Church asked.  
Dean nodded. "Got any theories?"  
"Nothing that sticks, so I guess it's back to searching for something today," Sam answered.  
"Manda didn't say anything to you about it or remember anything else, did she?" Church put forth the question to Dean. She knew Manda might have been more open with Dean when it was just the two of them last night.  
"She wasn't in much of a talking mood last night, actually…" The satisfied smirk leaked through on Dean's face as he thought about last night for a moment.  
Sam choked a little as the laugh escaped from his throat. Dean wasn't shy about his sex life, and apparently they needed to know that Manda wasn't that exhausted after all.  
Church shook her head a bit, and held back the laugh at how open Dean was about some things, but so closed off about others. "Okay… so she didn't mention anything then, and I take it she finally let herself get some sleep?"  
Dean nodded. "It took awhile, but trust me… she'll be out for quite a bit still."  
"Then we'll let her sleep since she needs it. So the question is… where do we start? We need to find out where she was first and then what she did," Church said.  
"We don't have much to work with. All we really know is where Manda was before, and where she found herself after," Sam spoke up.  
"I thought about that… I'm gonna go through her phone, see what else is on there that she may have overlooked. One of you should take her laptop and see what she was up to before and during those days, and one of us should go through all the stuff she had on the road with her." Dean had worked out that this was probably the best bet at finding something that might be useful. It was also the area where in a panicked state of mind Manda might have missed something small or not even realized it was there.  
"I'll open up whatever needs to be on her computer, I know her passwords," Church offered.  
"Open it up, I'll scan through everything on there, and you can go through her stuff." Sam looked at Church.  
"Thanks for breakfast, Church." Dean had finished eating and got up from the table with his plate. He owed her the gratitude for cooking.  
"No problem," Chuch replied, looking somewhat shocked that he'd even bothered to say it.  
Sam and Chuch took awhile to clean up before they got started.  
Dean went and found Manda's phone. He scrolled through the call list, and let out a deep chuckle when he saw how he was listed in her phone. "Mr. Right" had called a few times in the past couple of days. Either she had done that for a laugh, which he knew was likely, or she was just that good at hiding how she really felt about him. He made sure he'd remember to tease her with it later.  
But other than Church, a few other names he'd never heard her talk about, and a few random numbers, there wasn't much to go on. Most of the activity on her phone had happened prior to the missing days, and besides his calls during that time, there was nothing else.  
There was nothing in her text messages, emails or even where the photos were either, so he didn't know why her phone had been on during the whole time if it hadn't been used at all.  
Church had gotten Manda's laptop started up. She opened up whatever needed a password, and went through a little of it before Sam asked to check out the browsing history, things like the calendar, and whatever notes she might have kept on there for jobs.  
Dean was now digging through a bag he had grabbed from her room before he had come downstairs earlier. She hadn't bothered to unpack anything, and he figured she probably never did when she was home because she never stayed here for long.  
He was reaching for a few things out of the bag when Church came to help him. "Come across anything on the computer?"  
"Sam's having a better look at it, but nothing so far. Have you found anything interesting yet?" Chuch laughed a little as she saw the look on Dean's face when he came across a lace bra and matching panties set before he put them aside on a small pile of clothes.  
Dean cleared his throat. He wasn't embarrassed, but quite a thought had crossed his mind. "Uh… no."  
"If that's all clothes, I can take over," Church offered.  
"It's not, there's a bunch of books and some other stuff in here." Dean shook out a shirt and then placed it with the other few items of clothing that had come out of the bag.  
Sam came into the living room where Dean and Church were. "So, she's got no browsing history for the missing eight days, which means she either didn't use it or it was deleted."  
"Her phone wasn't used either," Dean said as he looked up from the pile of books he'd just put on the table.  
"So she just vanished then?" Church asked.  
"It's starting to look that way." Sam watched Dean as he flipped through books fast and waited for something to fall out.  
"Aliens didn't take her, so she was somewhere. Is there anything else on there, Sammy?" Dean kept flipping through the books Manda took with her, a few novels, a few old books that had to do with things they hunted, and three journals. There was also a small lockbox filled with treasured items.  
"Her calendar only had a reminder on it to call you this week about meeting up in about two weeks, but nothing else. I haven't started on her notes yet, she's got plenty of files though," Sam answered.  
Dean held back the grin at learning she had been planning on asking him to meet up soon. "Get started then."  
Church gave Sam the 'give me a moment' look. "I'll help you in a few minutes. She has a bit of a weird system for keeping track of things."  
Sam nodded. Then he left to go back to the laptop and for another cup of coffee in the kitchen.  
"Shit… Dean?" She looked over him.  
"Yeah?" Dean looked up as he finished flipping through the last book, wondering what Church wanted.  
"Two weeks from now, do you know what that is for Manda?" Church knew what was coming up soon. A month ago while working a vampire job together, Manda had finally told her the secrets of her past, what had actually happened to her before they had met eight years ago on Manda's first job back into the hunting world after a year's attempt to live normally. And after she had learned the truth, a lot became clearer on why her friend was the way she was sometimes along with the way she dealt with certain things.  
Dean tried to figure it out, but was coming up blank. "No…" He raised his brows at Church questioningly.  
"Her parents… it'll be ten years." Church knew Dean knew the truth, and that he'd known it before she had. While that had pissed her off a little considering they treated each other like sisters, she saw how her friend looked at him.  
"Oh…" That was all Dean could say. He had forgotten that was coming up for her.  
Church got up, left to go help Sam look through Manda's computer and left Dean to continue doing what he was doing.  
Dean sat there for a moment not doing anything. Manda had wanted to meet up with him during a hard time, and that would be saying a lot for her and what she felt.  
He got up from where he was and went to get her revolver he'd agreed to look at for her last night that he had also brought down with him that morning.  
He walked out to the car and got the things he needed, then sat on the porch and started looking at what needed to be done to it.  
While Dean knew he should have kept searching for a clue, right now he had to do this small thing for her first. It was routine and something he could focus on without thinking too much about the feelings that were getting a little harder to keep inside the more he learned about how Manda felt. It was also a small way for him to show he cared without having to say the words.

[ - ]

Manda felt the sensation of something scratching hard down her back, and heard faint whispering she couldn't make out in her ear. Her eyes shot open and she rolled over quickly ready to strike, but nothing was there.  
Touching her shoulder first, and then her back, she didn't feel anything new there. At the moment the itching was gone from her scars, but they did have a slight tingle to them still.  
Pulling the sheet tighter around her, Manda touched the symbol hanging from her neck, and assured herself it had just been the left over remnants of a dream that crossed over into the waking moment. She let her face fall into the pillow, tried to push the feeling of dread out, and wished Dean was still there beside her so she could go back to sleep since she was still tired.  
Dean had taken care of her last night. He had definitely helped her with not thinking, taken care of the longing she had for him, and then held her close to remind her that she was safe while he was there. She had felt his protectiveness and his warmth. It had been easy for her to fall asleep then, knowing Dean was right there watching over her.  
And that was what she wanted right now, to feel the security he offered as the dark feeling inside her held on.  
Manda got out of bed wrapped in the sheet, picked his shirt up off the floor, put it on and did up most of the buttons. She tossed the sheet over the bed and then lied down on top since she was feeling a little warm.  
It didn't take long for her to feel safe then. His shirt smelled like him, so did the pillow she had her face pressed into, and she could almost feel him beside her still. The slumber took her over again, and Manda was back to dreaming before she knew it.

[ - ]

Dean had dismantled, fixed, and cleaned Manda's revolver, and then went back to digging through the stuff inside. He'd come up empty handed though, and went to check on Sam and Chuch who were still sitting behind Manda's laptop in the kitchen. "Tell me you found something by now, Sammy."  
"Nothing yet… did you?" Sam asked.  
"No," Dean sighed. He didn't understand why there was nothing that held a clue as to where she had been.  
"Did you check her car?" Church asked then as she put on another pot of coffee.  
"Yesterday…" Dean paused in thought. "But I didn't get to the trunk."  
"She might have missed something in there," Sam said as he stretched in the chair.  
"I'm going," Dean said as he left. He found Manda's keys where she had left them by the door, and caught a quick glance of the matchbook and lip gloss near them.  
Once he had popped open her trunk, he searched around it first before he opened up the weapons arsenal that was similar to one in his trunk.  
Everything seemed in place from what Dean remembered since he'd been through here once before. She had let him have a look through all her stuff the last time they'd seen each other, talking about weapons and what was best for getting certain jobs done.  
He took his time and looked over all of it slowly.  
No guns were missing as far as he could tell. He took out the two rolled up collections of daggers and odd knives she had, and started on those next. All the slots were filled for the first set. The second one had an empty slot though, but he wasn't sure if Manda had whatever usually filled the spot somewhere else or if she had lost it.  
Dean searched around a little more, and then the flash of something way back in the corner caught his eye. He leaned in and pulled out the fabric that was shoved up behind the hinge. He felt the hardness it in instantly as he yanked it out.  
The tank top in his hand was rolled up tight, so he unrolled it slowly not sure of what he was going to find.  
The silver dagger was the perfect size for hiding in a boot. The blade still had blood on it, there was even a little on the pearly white handle too, and underneath it laid a pack of matches. The writing on the tank top had blood smeared on it either from the knife or from something else. He knew it was her shirt since she'd worn it the last time they'd been together, and that the dagger belonged to her too. It had the same handle as another one he'd just seen in her collection.  
As for the matches, Dean had never heard of the place, and as far as he knew, she didn't collect them from bars or hotels. Then he thought back to what he'd seen inside on the table by the door, a pack of matches next to the tube of lip gloss, and his mind started connecting the dots.  
Dean's jaw tightened and the anger ran through him as he thought about what this meant. Some bastard demon had used her to commit murder, probably like when Meg had possessed Sam and killed another hunter. He knew it as he stared at what was in his hands. He just didn't know the reason why, but he would have to find out quickly.  
He knew Manda would want to make this demon pay for what it had done to her, especially if it turned out to be related to her scars like he had the feeling it would turn out to. Coincidence was rarely ever just that in their line of work, and how her scars had acted up before the possession and now after it – there was no way it was a random coincidence.  
Dean knew it was all connected somehow, but he just didn't know how the scars fit in with the possession yet. That bugged him quite a bit as he thought about it though, and he didn't like it at all. His hunter instincts were telling him this whole thing wasn't over with yet, and he would make damn sure now that nothing else happened to Manda until it was.  
He closed the weapons arsenal, slammed the trunk shut, and stood there for a moment.  
Dean's sigh was heavy and hard as he wondered about how Manda would handle this and whatever else it was they were going to find out now that they had a place to begin tracing her steps from.  
He rolled the tank top with the dagger and matches in it up a little, and then headed inside with what he'd found to get started on finding out some answers.


	8. Chapter 8

Manda awakened with a jolt from a sinister dream. It had been dark, twisted, and she'd seen herself completely ruthless in it. The blood, the bodies, and what the evil dream version of her had lusted for made her feel uneasy.  
She'd had bad dreams before, but this one had been horrible. Seeing herself as something she hunted had left her heart pounding in her chest. She worried that this is what had happened to her during those eight days. That she had been that creature instead of who she was.  
Manda closed her eyes, held on to the symbol around her neck, and tried to forget the images that haunted her mind right then. She let her mind drift to what Dean had said to her last night. How he wouldn't let anything happen to her, and she hoped that turned out to be true, because right now she didn't feel like she could stop whatever was going on with her, if there was something actually going on.  
Normally nothing much scared her, but the feeling inside of her just then did. With how she'd grown up and the things she'd seen, she was used to weird. But the dark feeling inside her mixed with the dream had her scared in believing that she was no longer the hunter, but about to become the hunted.  
The night off had been great, but that was all it was – a night off. Manda sighed as she thought about why the balance between nights off and nights working a job were never equal. But the hunter lifestyle wasn't fair, and she had learned that lesson more than once.  
Manda got out of bed and groaned when she saw the clock. She'd been in bed for close to fourteen hours since she'd first fallen asleep last night. She knew she needed the rest, but it wasn't like her to sleep for so long even when she was dragging her ass around from being tired or injured sometimes. Someone should have woken her up by now too, it was three in the afternoon.  
She pulled on some pants for the courtesy of two of her guests, and started to head downstairs for a bottle of cold water. She felt a little warm still, and her throat felt like she'd been screaming even when she hadn't been. Then there was the matter of seeing what the other hunters had come up with while they had let her sleep. She knew they'd be digging for details again, the night off had come to an end ages ago now.  
But Manda also wanted to be near Dean. The shirt of his she still had on just wasn't doing the trick for making her feel safe anymore.

[ - ]

Dean was pissed because he'd been right.  
Since he'd brought in the knife and the set of matches, shared the find with Sam and Church, and then had added the other matchbook which had turned out to be from Manda's jacket to the mix, they had done some digging online. They'd searched the towns both bars were located in for murders and came up with two that would fit with what the demon that had possessed her would have used her for.  
There was a man in each town that had been found with his throat slashed and some other weird markings on their bodies. One was unidentified in the town that was furthest away, and the other that wasn't too far away had been a local man. The unidentified man had turned up five days ago in a wooded area not far from the bar where the pack of matches in her jacket had come from. The other man had been discovered in his home only two days ago.  
Manda had been home for three days now. If she had killed both men, then the demon had driven her here shortly after she had killed the second man because that town turned out to be only a six hour drive from her house.  
All the evidence pointed to her being there, and since both murders sounded identical, it was something they had to work with finally, and were the only leads they had.  
Dean sat there wanting to find the thing and rip it apart. He was sick of demons screwing things up and once again messing around with someone he had grown to care for. "The matches prove Manda was in both towns, it can't be a coincidence that each one had a guy turn up sporting the ultimate necktie. Not with the bloody knife from her trunk, the matchbooks, and her being covered in someone else's blood when she turned up here."  
"No it can't be, but we need to figure out why it used her to kill them," Sam said calmly. Meg had made him murder another hunter when she had possessed him, but as far as he knew, these two guys weren't hunters. They had called Bobby to make sure of the one, and he'd never heard of him either.  
"At least no one is looking for Manda as far as we know. Cops have no leads in either case, if you believe the articles," Church added.  
"Thank god for CSI watching demons," Dean quipped. He knew she always kept her real identity well hidden, but when a demon was playing puppet master, anything could happen. But at least there was that small bit to be thankful for.  
"How do we go about this then?" Church asked as she looked from brother to brother.  
"We get whatever we can on the one that's further out from here, then hit the road for the one near here, check out that bar and see what we can turn up on that guy in the morning." Dean knew that was the best way to go about it. He also knew that Manda would want to go there once she knew about all this.  
Sam looked at Dean. "But why would it keep Manda for eight days? Two murders and eight days don't add up, Dean. We're missing something here."  
Dean sighed. He knew it didn't add up, but this was all they had to go on for now, and it was more than they'd had before.  
"I'll go do a little work on getting information on the unidentified guy," Church said. "Use a little charm or a connection if that fails to get what we need."  
"Good, do it," Dean sort of ordered her. Then he looked at Sam, but before he could say anything else the front door slammed shut.  
All three of them looked at each other as they knew who had just left the house.  
"Damn it," Dean grunted as he got up, hurrying to the door.  
The rev of Manda's Chevelle started, and then the screeching of her tires and the kicking up of gravel from the driveway was heard as she turned it around and sped off.  
Dean caught the back of her car taking off. He knew she'd overheard everything they'd just been talking about. He had no idea where she was headed or what she was going to do, but he wasn't about to let her just take off by herself now.  
He was out the door before she would have pulled out of the end of the driveway, starting up the Impala, and then following her at almost the same speed.  
Manda had heard them as she was coming down the stairs and had stopped to listen. When she heard about the town six hours away, something in her snapped and she had to get out of there. Knowing that bit of information was worse than knowing what she had already suspected she'd done. She had grabbed her keys once she'd been able to move again after the shock, and then taken off for the one place she knew she had to go, where she would have gone sooner or later anyway.  
Dean caught up to her quickly. He knew she saw him because she only stepped on the gas and tried to lose him. He would have tried calling her, but her phone was where he'd left it in the living room.  
Manda didn't care at that point. Dean was following her and she wished he hadn't. She took a hard, fast turn, drove awhile longer before she took another sharp turn, and then started to slow down as she reached her destination.  
He kept up behind her, but not too close. He was a bit impressed with how she handled the car though. Her driving had been too fast, careless, and yet in control, because it hadn't slowed her down at all, until now. Now she was coming to a stop.  
She stopped a little away from some gates and parked.  
Dean pulled up beside her, and was just throwing the car into park when he saw she was out the door and running through the gates of a cemetery.  
Manda ran. She sprinted into the cemetery to the spot she hadn't been to in almost two years now. She hadn't come here last year around this time. She had been working a job instead of drowning in bad memories.  
He knew why she was here, but not exactly where she would be inside of the gates. Dean debated waiting for her to come back out, but then decided against it. He got out of the car and walked through the gates leisurely.  
Collapsing on her knees in front of the flat headstone that lay in the ground, Manda's fingers traced the letters and dates etched into it. She felt the peace sore through her, even if the guilt was eating away at every bit of her right then.  
Dean wandered around for a bit, and then he saw the top of her head. She was on her knees in front of a headstone. Her head was bowed as if she was in prayer, but her fingers kept running over the engraved lettering instead of being folded in front of her. He didn't go any closer then, but just watched her from afar for a minute or two even though he just wanted to go over and hold her if that's what she needed.  
Manda sat there in silence, allowing the calmness to run through her. She felt the surge of love she had stopped feeling so long ago. The power that the love of and for two people who had given up their lives in order to save hers still held. She breathed in deeply and wanted to drown in the emotion that was still so hard for her to feel. "I'm sorry," she whispered.  
Dean walked a little closer as quietly as he could until he was a few steps behind her. He noticed right away that Manda was wearing his shirt from yesterday, and if this was any other moment he would have smiled at the sight of her in it. The simple act of her doing that spoke a whole lot for how she felt, even if she wouldn't come out and say it to him.  
"I know you said it wasn't my fault, but it was… and now..." Her words were rushed and yet slow, and filled with a pain that she felt deep inside. "I think the damn thing has come back for me… and I… I just don't know what to do or how to stop it. It's calling me to it." Her voice broke just a little right then.  
He wondered why she thought that. What had she put together or remembered? He wanted to ask, but he stayed quiet. If she had heard him approach then she hadn't indicated it.  
Manda stopped tracing the lettering, and then placed her hand right in the middle of the headstone. She inhaled sharply, sitting there silently for a minute. "I need a little of your strength, guys, the kind you always tried to teach me to have. It has to pay for what it did to you… and if I can't do that like I don't think I can, then I'll be here with both of you soon." Two tears rolled down her face, but that was it, there was no way she was going to start sobbing now.  
Dean heard the love in her voice. This was a part of her she buried so far inside, he knew that. But why did she seem to think she needed their strength to go on, and more importantly, why did she think she was going to die?  
"I love you, Mom, Dad… please help me with this somehow." She lifted her hand from the stone and found herself drawn to look to the right at another headstone. "I don't think I'm ready to end up here…"  
_They can't save you this time._  
Manda heard the dark whisper run through her head, and then she felt an immense sensation of heat run through her before a sharp pain shot down her scars. Her eyes rolled back in her head then, and she fell to the side as she passed out.  
"Manda?" Dean yelled out her name. He rushed the few steps towards her, and dropped to his knees beside her. She was unconscious, and as he touched her, he felt how hot her skin was.  
Dean pulled her up off the ground, cradled her against him, and smacked her face lightly a few times to stir her. "We've done this before, Manda… time to get up." He didn't know what had happened to her. She had just passed out, and she was burning up, but she wasn't sweating at all. He kept one arm around her, and smacked her a little harder this time to get her to come to. "Come on… wake up."  
Her eyes opened and looked blankly up at him.  
"You all right? You're burning up." His tone was hurried and concerned.  
Manda felt the pull of something evil in her, but she also felt something stronger than that, something was trying to push the darkness out. That was all she could focus on at that moment.  
"Manda?" Dean called her name again. The blank look in her eyes as she looked at him had him worried. It was like she wasn't there or that she didn't recognize him at all.  
The feelings left her, and then she closed her eyes for a minute, opening them again to see Dean. "Huh?" She looked and sounded a little confused.  
He saw the blank look was gone from her eyes now. "You okay?"  
Manda nodded at him as she saw the worry his face held as he looked down at her.  
"What's going on? What just happened to you?" Dean fired both questions at her quickly. His concern was that something was really wrong with her.  
"I… I don't know." Her voice was shaky as she answered him. She didn't know exactly what had happened. She had heard the voice in her head, felt an unbearable amount of heat, the pain from her scars, and then it had been lights out for her. That scared her, but she wasn't about to say anything yet, because if she did, she knew what would happen. Dean would get himself further involved in this and she didn't want that.  
He just looked down at her. Something was happening to her, and he had no idea what it was. And all Dean wanted to do right then was keep her close, and make sure she was safe.  
"Don't… just… please don't," she said quietly. She knew what he was going to do as she saw the way he looked at her.  
"Shhhh." Dean pulled her a little more up against his chest.  
Manda went to pull herself away from him, and raised her knees to get her footing to start to get up, but then the arm he had behind her slipped a little more over her waist, and his other arm went across her. His hand gripped her shoulder, and she knew she was stuck.  
"Don't even think about it," Dean said quietly. He didn't want her to get up yet, but he also wanted to keep her close.  
"It's my mess, Dean," she uttered. "Dragging you into this is wrong… let me go." She looked away from him.  
He let go of her shoulder, and then moved her head gently to look at him again. "I'll decide when it's wrong, and you're not doing this on your own. So, you either let me, Sam, and Chuch help you with it, or we'll just do it anyway."  
Manda saw it in his eyes, how he would be there no matter what. She just wanted him to walk away from her then. "I can do this without any of you, and you can go before something happens to you. You know what happens to people that are close to me… just look at what's here in the ground."  
His arm went over her again. "You know I'm not going anywhere." Dean's tone was calm but serious. He wouldn't leave her to deal with any of this on her own. He was sticking around until whatever was going on was over. Nothing was happening to her if he could help it.  
"It's gonna end bad… I know it is. It always does." She couldn't keep up her brave act then, not when he had just told her he wasn't going anywhere, even if a part of her wanted him to leave her alone. Her hands gripped on to his arm that was across her, and she pressed her head against his chest, close to his shoulder.  
Dean tightened the arm he had over her then. He just wanted her to feel safe at that moment because she felt so small and defenseless in his arms right then. "Are you going to tell me what else is going on now? You're going to have to start sharing with the class sooner or later, you know."  
She thought she would cry, but she couldn't cry anymore for something that had robbed her of so much. Manda stayed quiet for a moment, not knowing what to say or where to start. "You heard me. I know you were standing right there and listening."  
"Why do you think it's the same demon?" Dean thought she was just jumping to conclusions, but it was always possible she wasn't.  
"The town six hours away… I knew it without you having to say the name of it, it's where I got my parents killed," Manda said.  
Dean's eyes registered the surprise. It had taken awhile to figure that out, but he and Church had both realized it soon enough. "How did you know it's the same place?"  
"As soon as you said it, I just knew." Her voice was vacant even if she was very much there. "I have to go there… I need to go there." She let go on him and tried to break out of his hold.  
"You're not going out there alone," he told her. Then he let her go even though he didn't want to. He got up before she did, and put out a hand to her. "We'll figure it out, Manda."  
Manda nodded at him, then took his hand and felt Dean pull her to her feet almost effortlessly. She wondered where her strength was then, because he had done that way too easily. She went to let go of his hand, but he held on to it for a few more seconds longer before he let go of it.  
"You're still a bit warm," Dean said. He didn't like that, it wasn't making sense. "That got anything to do with whatever is going on with you now?"  
She looked at him and wondered if she could explain it. How she felt all that darkness inside her, heard that strange whisper before she had passed out, and the stuff that had happened before when she had woken up. "I-I… no… I don't want to talk about it here." Her eyes swept down to the ground now.  
Dean looked down at the headstone, and then to the ones beside it. He'd been too busy focusing on her that he hadn't looked at them before.  
Four in a row belonged to the Chambers family. They were standing in front of the one that held the names of her parents. Her grandfather and grandmother were two over on the right. He guessed the one on the left had been the uncle she had mentioned a few times, along with another name that might have been an aunt or a cousin she'd never mentioned.  
But the one that Dean didn't like to see was the stone between her parents and her grandparents. He kept the cringe he felt inside hidden as read Manda's name etched into the flat grey stone. He hated to see that whenever she came to this spot she was faced with knowing she was the last of her family's line, and that her name was already written into the stone, waiting for her to end up under it.  
Dean knew how hard it was to stand at a spot like this and see not only your past, but also your future before you. It had been similar for him once or twice, but he still had Sam at least. And then he saw the memory of rising from his own grave, the spot where Sam had buried him when he'd gone to hell.  
He felt the sadness inside him as he realized another reason why Manda seemed to understand parts of him so well. She hadn't died like he had or been to hell, but when she came here, the only thing that would eat away at her as much as the guilt she held on to was seeing the place she would end up sooner or later staring her in the face.  
Manda had seen his eyes settle on the headstone with her name. She hadn't seen a reaction from him though, so he either didn't know what to think or he hid it from her completely. She had never wanted that stone, but it'd been there for a long time now. And no matter where she was when she did die, this was where she'd end up. The trust her grandfather had set in place would see to that.  
Dean looked back at her then and saw the pain she was trying to hide from her face. He wanted to tell her he wouldn't let her end up here, not as long as he was around, but he wasn't sure what that would do to her. He placed his hand on the side of her face, and noticed her temperature was back to normal now. "If you need a few more minutes here…"  
"No," Manda cut him off. "I'm done, and if you want to know the rest, then let's go. I can't talk about how badly I've screwed up in front of them, especially with how right they were with what will probably end up being what puts me here with them."  
His eyes narrowed in on her then. Dean wasn't sure what she was going on about, but he'd get it out of her in time. He stroked her cheek lightly before he let his hand fall back to his side. "Take a minute, I'll wait." Then he turned around and walked a little bit away to give her one last moment there by herself.  
Manda took one last look at where the ashes of her family lay beneath the grass, let her thoughts say how much she loved them, missed them, and to say goodbye before she walked away and caught up with Dean.  
He walked beside her and decided he needed to lighten the mood just a bit. "So…wearing my shirt, huh? Careful there, Chambers… someone might get the idea you're starting to get sweet on me."  
She chuckled just a little. Dean could always be counted on to lift the seriousness out of a moment, and she needed that right now. "Careful there yourself, Winchester… following me out here might give someone else that same impression."  
Dean smirked at how quickly she played into the shift. Despite whatever was happening, he knew he was falling for her a little harder at that moment. "We wouldn't want that now, would we?"  
Manda's smile was small and a bit sweet. "No, we wouldn't," she said, knowing it was lie. She let her fingers graze against his then.  
He felt the sweep of her fingers beside his and his smirk widened at the gesture. "Definitely not," Dean agreed with the lie.  
They walked through the gates, and then he stopped her before she headed to her car.  
"Going to talk out here or back at your place?" he asked.  
"At home. I'd like to eat first since someone let me sleep in way too late." Manda looked at him like it was his fault, but her lips curled into a smile quickly.  
Dean chuckled. "You needed it."  
"Thanks for helping with that," she said. Then Manda leaned in and kissed him softly. She knew Dean was right, she had needed the rest, but she had also needed the night he'd given her.  
He grinned at her suggestively. "Anytime you need more help with getting to sleep or just because…"  
"Nice line… and I'll let you know if I do." Manda grinned back at him, and then headed for her car.  
"Looking forward to it," he said with a naughty smirk, walking to his car. Dean knew that sooner or later they would have to figure out if they were going to try to be together, if that wasn't what was already happening in the middle of whatever mess this was going to turn out to be. He had come out here for her after all, and right now she was letting him be there for her too.  
Manda backed out first, and then waited a little ahead so he could follow her. She cranked up the music and let herself enjoy the brief moment of feeling good, because at least for right now, the darkness inside her was nowhere to be found as she drove home with Dean following behind her.


	9. Chapter 9

The dark feeling came back as soon as Manda had pulled into the driveway.  
She was about to walk up the porch stairs when she heard the whispering she couldn't make out again, and then it felt as if someone had just breathed down the back of her neck.  
Manda froze where she was as the chill ran down her spine along with the sensation of something scratching down her scars once again.  
Dean saw her stop dead in her tracks and how her posture stiffened as he came up beside her. "Manda?"  
She looked over her shoulder as if on reflex, and then hid the fear she felt as she turned her head to look at him.  
"What?" Dean looked at her curiously as he saw she was on alert and ready to strike at something. She was in the hunter mode and for no reason at all that he could see.  
"I heard… just thought I heard something," she mumbled out. It wasn't entirely a lie, but it wasn't the complete truth either.  
He saw the way Manda's eyes betrayed her. She was good at lying, but he picked up on it. Dean would press her for the details now, but not as much as he wanted to. "Care to tell me what all that was about back in the cemetery now?"  
She sighed and sat down on the stairs. Manda knew she should have gone inside to tell Church and Sam too, but she barely wanted to tell Dean as it was. "Everything caught up to me all at once?" she offered the excuse. She'd try to keep the brave front going for as long as she could again.  
Dean stood there and looked at her for a moment. Then he sat beside her. "Try again, Manda." He didn't believe her excuse at all, it was weak.  
Manda was silent for a minute. "I felt too hot, my scars hurt, and then I passed out." That's what had happened, but she left out hearing the voice. She was going to keep that to herself until she was sure that's what it actually had been.  
Dean leaned back a bit and didn't bother to ask, he just lifted up the back of his shirt she had on, and looked at the scars to make sure nothing new was happening with them. Though, there wasn't any change in them that he could see. He pulled the back of the shirt back down, and leaned forward again. "Okay, now what about all the weird talk back there about dying and it being the same demon?" He tried looking at her then, but she kept her head straight and away from him.  
"I don't… I just…" Manda started and choked on the words. "Knowing I was in that town… and so close to the date of what happened there… either this bastard demon has one great sense of humour or it's the same one." The words came out of her slowly and with disbelief. "And if it's the same one… you know exactly what I'll do."  
"You'll chase it." Dean sighed. He knew she would hunt it and destroy herself completely in the process.  
Manda nodded, and refused to look towards him still. "My parents always said my reckless behaviour would be the death of me if I didn't find a way to let it go. And they were right… I got them killed with it, and it's how I ended up in whatever screwed up situation this is." She took a deep breath. "Once again I've failed them, I always have." Her voice broke a little as she confessed the feelings she held inside.  
Dean knew all too well about feeling like a failure in the eyes of parent. He had felt like he'd let his dad down more times than he could count. There was nothing he could say to her that would take that feeling away or make it okay. They were too much alike that way, he saw that so clearly now.  
"I knew that demon would come back one day, but I never went after it after all that happened. If I had… their sacrifice for me would have been meaningless, and I just couldn't do it no matter how badly I wanted to. They should have let me die that day… it should have been me, not them," Manda faintly spoke the truth she'd always believed.  
Dean debated putting an arm around her, or reaching out for her hand, but he wasn't sure she would want that right now when she was letting all this out. He settled on a simple touch instead, and placed his hand just above her knee, then squeezed a little to remind her he understood that type of guilt. Manda knew about what his dad had done for him, and what he'd done himself for Sam. It had come up once, and she'd heard parts of the stories elsewhere anyway.  
Manda looked at his hand on her knee. She knew how his father had sacrificed his own life for Dean's, and then how he'd turned around and done the same thing for Sam. She rested her head against his shoulder, then slipped her arm under his and took his hand off her leg and into her own. "The things we have in common, Dean… it's why we get each other too well at times."  
"I know," he said softly. Dean knew that by taking his hand in hers, Manda needed him. She had always maintained a distance from him when they were together around Sam or Church. And at any given second either one could see him and her sitting there like this right now. It wasn't like her to let this soft side of her be seen when it wasn't just the two of them.  
"There's an evil feeling inside me that won't go away," she whispered. "I just feel this darkness lurking inside of me and I can't get rid of it." Manda hadn't wanted to admit to it, but found herself unable to keep it in at the moment. She raised her head and looked at him.  
Dean looked back at her and saw the fear in her eyes she wasn't trying to hide from him right then. "It'll be okay, Manda. We'll do what we do best, figure it out and stop whatever it is." He didn't know that it would be, but he'd do what he could to make sure it was.  
"I wish that was true, Dean," she muttered as she rested her head against his shoulder again. Manda knew just how much of a scared little girl she was being right then, and she didn't care. She needed this man that was at her side, but she just couldn't bring herself to say the words that she wanted to.  
"What did I tell you last night?" he whispered as he bowed his head to hers. Dean didn't know how much longer she'd hold on without losing it soon. She'd been good so far at not breaking down, but he knew that on the inside she was tearing herself apart with everything.  
Manda closed her eyes as she let herself feel the safety Dean offered when she was with him. "I'm safe with you," she answered. Her voice had been just above a whisper. She knew he would look after her, and for a brief moment she felt as if nothing would happen to her as long as she was with him.  
"Nothing's going to happen then, is it?" Dean knew he had to reassure her. The strong part of her just wasn't there right now. He knew she was scared and starting to crumble inside. And if Manda needed him to take care of her for now, then that's what he'd do because it was her. Right now they were together, and as their arrangement went, it meant just that for him – no ifs or buts about it.  
As much as she wanted to believe Dean, sometimes things still happened anyway. Manda knew that, and he did too, but she appreciated the effort he was putting in. She decided it was time to ease out of the somber mood. "Thanks for indulging me during my not-so-tough girl moments, Winchester."  
Dean chuckled. This was more like her after the small breakdown and confession she had just shared with him. "Someone has to rescue the damsel in distress," he joked with her.  
She laughed at the comment and nudged him softly with her elbow for it.  
Sam could see his brother and the female hunter from the window.  
Church had filled him in briefly on Manda's past once Dean had gone after her when she had taken off, and that only revealed another reason as to why the two hunters had connected with each other.  
The guilt they both held for things that weren't really their faults was just something else they shared in common with each other. Sam knew Dean saw parts of himself in her, and it was no surprise then that he'd come out here the way he had for her.  
Watching them from behind, he saw the way Manda was leaning against Dean and how much it seemed to say she needed his older brother right then. He didn't want to disturb the rare moment they were having with each other either.  
He'd only seen them get this way with each other the two times he'd had to witness them saying goodbye to each other after the few days they spent together both times. But if Dean still wanted to hit that bar tonight, they'd have to get on the road soon.  
Sam walked over to the door, and then went a few steps outside. He cleared his throat first, and then called out, "Dean?"  
Manda instantly dropped Dean's hand, slid her arm from under his, and sat up straight. She wasn't embarrassed by being caught like this with Dean, but she was a bit uncomfortable with showing that side of herself when it was more than just him and her.  
He let go of her hand at the same time since Sam didn't need to see the softness between them. Then he turned a little to look at his brother. "What do you want, Sammy?"  
"We need to get going if you want to make it to that bar tonight," Sam said. "We're still going, right?"  
Dean looked back at Manda with a look that asked her if she wanted to go.  
She just nodded at him. She needed to go there, as much as she knew it could be a disaster, it was something she had to do.  
"Look's like we're going… so get packed up and ready to leave soon," Dean told his brother.  
"Church find out anything else yet, Sam?" Manda called out.  
Sam knew Church was looking into it still. She had just made the phone call a few minutes ago and would be trying to get whatever additional information they needed from the first murder. "Not yet," he replied, and then went back inside.  
Manda got up and headed inside.  
Dean went in after her. He stopped her before she went upstairs. "Hang on a second," he said as he walked away.  
"Um… okay," Manda said oddly, and waited while he disappeared briefly.  
He came back with her revolver in his hand. He held it out to her. "Uh… I took a better look at it earlier, and it shouldn't jam or stick again."  
She grinned as she took her gun from him. Dean had taken the time to fix it for her, and it had it completely slipped her mind that he had said he would last night. "You're giving out those impressions again, Winchester, but thanks for doing that."  
He chuckled at her remark. "Thank me by hanging on to my shirt… I got a feeling you'll let me reclaim it later since you're still giving out your own impressions, Chambers." He raised a brow and gave her a flirty smirk.  
Manda laughed as she went up the stairs since Dean was right. She would probably give him the chance to take back his shirt later.  
She was definitely falling quicker and harder for him in spite of the situation she was in and dragging him into. And now she was starting to wonder if and when she could try to have more with him than what they currently did have going on with each other.

[ - ]

The six hour drive was made in a little less than that since there was barely any traffic, and they had managed to drive a little faster than they had anticipated.  
Dean had wanted Manda to ride with him and Sam, but she had insisted on making the drive by herself, and Church had figured she might as well take her own car too just in case. Each of them had issues with leaving their cars and weapons behind, so their three classic cars had hit the road together.  
When they had stopped for to grab a bite to eat three hours in, Sam, Dean and Church had found Manda a bit quiet at that point. She hadn't spoken much to any of them, barely ate anything, and just sort of sat there half paying attention to the conversation.  
They all figured that the closer they got, the worse it was for her. The town where the worst of her past had happened, and the answers that could be waiting once they got there had to be weighing on her mind. Her distance seemed normal to them given the circumstances, and none of them tried to press her for anything.  
Dean had made the offer at that point to ride the rest of the way with her in her car or for Sam to drive her car while she rode with him in the Impala, but she had refused. She was starting to push him away a little now, and he wondered just how much more she would do that by the end of the night.  
Once they had completed the drive, they pulled up in front of a hotel Manda had led them to. They were going to check in first and then make their way to the bar.  
Manda stopped them when they all got out of their cars. She told them she'd take care of the rooms since it because of her that they were here, and that it was the least she could do to repay them for it.  
She felt even stranger than she had been already as she walked into the hotel. She'd been feeling weird during the whole drive. A sense of déjà vu and dread had started to take over in her as each mile clicked by while making this drive again.  
The first time she ever had driven out here, the price had been too high for her. Now the feeling that coming here once again was going to cost her people she cared about yet again or it would finally be her this time around was gnawing at her.  
When Manda walked into the front office to rent their rooms, she had the faint memory of being here before. "Hi, I need to get three rooms for a few days," she said as she got to the desk.  
The male clerk looked up at her, and recognition crossed his face then. "Back here already, are you? Do you want the same room again?"  
Manda felt her stomach drop, and her knees wanted to buckle. This meant she'd been here just a few days ago instead of years like she remembered. "Yeah, loose ends to tie up, and sure, the same room will be fine." She flashed a great fake smile as she rolled with it, and wondered if she'd remember being in whatever room it turned out to be.  
The clerk looked at her a little strangely. "And two more rooms this time?"  
"Friends," she answered, and nodded back towards the window.  
"Want them near you or not?" he asked.  
Manda thought about it quickly. "No… the other two can be further away, but close to each other."  
"Singles, doubles, queens?" His voice was flat as he asked her the routine question.  
Manda paused in thought. "Make one of them a queen, the other… two queens." Dean could share with Sam. She might have wanted him with her, but she was feeling the need to be alone now.  
The clerk worked out the rooms and the total. She paid, got the keys for the three rooms, and went back outside to where her friends were waiting. She hid the emotions that were banging on her insides for release as she approached them, and heard their conversation come to a halt at the same time.  
Sam, Dean and Church had been talking about her when she'd been arranging their rooms. None of them thought it was wise if she went to the bar, but they knew they couldn't stop her from going. Church and Sam had talked more, and Dean had just kept his eye on her through windows of the front office in case something happened.  
After what Dean had witnessed earlier, and then what she'd told him, he wasn't taking chances. He would give her space, but he'd be keeping a closer eye on her from here on out.  
She tossed a key to Church. "Number six for you." Then Manda avoided looking at Dean, and tossed him a key. "Eight for you and Sam… and that leaves fifteen for me," she said and headed back to her car. "Be ready in about ten minutes," she called out as she got in her car, then shut the door and drove to her room.  
Dean's expression was odd as it clicked in she'd just said the room was for him and Sam. She wasn't letting him stay with her tonight. He would entertain her idea for now, but one way or another he was ending up in fifteen with her later. Manda might have wanted it this way, but he wasn't about to let her sleep alone or that far away from any of them, least of all him.  
Sam saw the reaction on Dean's face that disappeared quickly. He could tell his brother was bothered at how she'd just pushed him away. "What's that about?"  
Dean shrugged even though he had a pretty good idea as to why she was doing this.  
"She's pushing all of us away already," Church added in. "One of us is going to have to talk to her soon."  
Both Sam and Church looked to Dean then. Even if Church was sort of like a sister to Manda, they both felt he was in the best position to get through to her.  
"Hey… maybe one of you should try it this time before thinking it's my job." He felt the rejection settle in as he got in the car and tried to ignore it.  
Sam looked at Church. "You talk to her, I'll talk to him."  
She nodded as she got in her car, and then drove to her room.  
Sam and Dean pulled up two spots over from her almost immediately.  
Dean got his bags out of the trunk, and headed directly into the room. He didn't say anything, because he was feeling the sting now, and within a few minutes he'd have to be around Manda without wanting to pull her aside and ask her what the hell was going on.  
Church looked at Sam as both of them were claiming their bags out of the trunks of their cars. "Somebody's feelings are hurt."  
Sam chuckled. "I caught them in sort of a moment earlier, so I'd say the sudden freeze out hurts a little."  
"Ouch," Church said. "Manda's quite good at doing that though."  
"Sammy, get your stuff in here already and then let's get going," Dean called out loudly from inside the room.  
Church looked at him apologetically, and then went to her room with her bags.  
Sam sighed as he went into his room with Dean. "Dude… Church will talk to her later. She'll come around."  
"We're not talking about it," Dean responded harshly.  
"Manda's stubborn, but she does need you, Dean. I saw her with you earlier, and it said a lot for how she feels about you." Sam had talked to him about her on the ride here when Dean had told him about what she'd said and what had happened to her in the cemetery. Later on Sam was going to look into that too. None of this was adding up still, but he knew it was definitely something that wasn't going to be good when it did.  
Dean didn't say anything. He wasn't going to talk about this with his brother.  
Manda got changed and ready to go to the bar. She knew there was only one angle she could work at that place in order to get the answers she needed. There was no badge tonight that would help. She had to play the woman who'd been on a bad bender, and use her charm to get what she needed.  
She locked up the room she had no memory of being in days earlier, and got back in her car.  
Stopping behind and between Dean's Impala and Church's GTO – she honked the horn to let them know it was time to go.  
Church came out, walked past her own car, and climbed into Manda's passenger seat. She'd changed quickly herself when she had gotten the text once she had gotten inside her room. They had worked this angle a few times and it had always worked. Answers came out quickly each time they had played it as two girls out on the town looking for fun or trouble. "Ready to do this?" she asked her friend.  
Manda nodded. "Not looking forward to it, but we don't have much of a choice for this place."  
Sam and Dean came out then. Sam flashed them a look through the windows, but Dean just kept his eyes averted as they both got into the Impala.  
Manda pulled away then and saw Dean's car appear in the rear view mirror a moment later.  
"So, Dean's got to feel a bit frozen out by you right now considering the two of you are… sort of together?" Church knew it was time to talk to her about this.  
"I don't want to talk about it," Manda replied. She didn't, her relationship or lack of one with Dean was something she didn't want to talk about right now.  
"Manda… I'm going to say this once and you better listen." Church's voice was serious to show she meant what she was about to say. It was time to call her friend out on her behaviour.  
"Don't have much of a choice, do I?" Manda muttered. She knew what was coming. The other female hunter was going to call her out on her bullshit like she had numerous times before.  
"Maybe Dean won't say it, but it's clear he's cares a whole lot for you. He'll hide how much your sudden rejection bothers him, but if you'd just stop pushing him away at times like this, I think you'll find the two of you will scrap this silly arrangement you have with each other quickly. So kill the stubbornness and make up with him later tonight." Church believed that if the two of them could just decide to be honest about how they both really felt towards each other, then the two hunters would be together a little more than they were now.  
Manda sighed as she looked in the rear view mirror at his car. "I know it's wrong to shut him out… but it's not that easy, Church."  
"It is if you'd stop being scared and quit running him hot and cold when you're around each other." Church knew that's what her friend was doing with him, and that Dean would get fed up with it quickly no matter how much he might like her.  
"I can't let him…" Manda couldn't explain how letting Dean get any closer to her right now might just be the worst thing she could do to him, and what it could cost him if she didn't distance herself from him.  
The nagging fear inside her had amounted to pushing him away because the last thing she wanted to do was repeat history with any of the three people who had come out here for her. Manda wasn't willing to risk losing more people she'd grown close to, especially not here where she'd already lost so much just about ten years ago now.  
"I've said what I had to, now think it over and decide if you're hot or cold with him, 'cause it can't be both." Church said as they were just coming up to the bar. She took a look at it through the window. "God, you were right, what a hole."  
Manda pulled into the bar lot, and saw Dean pull in a couple of spots away. She knew Church was right, she had to figure out if she was on or off with him. Going back and forth like this was a game she knew she shouldn't put him through since it wasn't fair and he didn't deserve it. But right now she had to forget that since they had reached the bar. Hopefully there would be some answers inside, and that came before whatever she had or didn't have with Dean at the moment.  
She started to feel warm again when she got out of the car, and then a memory flashed of walking through the doors before. The frightful feeling reached the pit of her stomach as she and Church got closer to the entrance.  
Manda froze on the spot just before reaching the doors as it felt like nails scratched down her scars, and the whisper echoed in a creepy mocking tone in her head.  
_Welcome back, Manda… welcome back._  
Dean noticed her freeze as he and Sam came up behind them, and then he caught Manda when she started to fall.


	10. Chapter 10

Dean had called her name as he caught Manda on an angle around the waist with one arm. He felt the heat radiating from her as he held on to her, and knew that what had happened earlier was happening again. Something was seriously wrong with her, but he had no idea what it could be.  
"What the hell is going on with her?" Church inquired. She'd seen her friend going down out of the corner of her eye, and how quickly Dean had grabbed herin response.  
"She gets a little weak in the knees around me," Dean quipped sarcastically. He shifted Manda a little to be able to pick her up, and then bent to get her legs.  
Sam watched his brother lift Manda without hesitation, and then how he held her protectively close against him. "Something's wrong with her, Dean. This isn't the usual..."  
"I know that, Sam," he grunted out. Then Dean sighed as he looked around for somewhere to put her down. There was no where but the ground or one of their cars, so he decided on her car since it was closer than his. "Come on, get up and quit playing the damsel card with me, Manda." His voice was hard, but held a trace of softness in it as he looked down at her.  
Church and Sam traded looks of wonder and started to follow.  
Dean sat back on the hood of her car, loosened the hold he had on her to lean her back a bit, and then tightened it again to keep her there across him. He took his arm out from under her knees, and started tapping her face and calling her name in an attempt to wake her up.  
Sam could see the protector coming out in his brother, and just how much he cared for the female hunter in his arms then.  
A soft groan came out of her, but Manda didn't come to yet.  
"Church, get some water from inside," Dean ordered harshly. Manda was still so warm, and a little cold water couldn't hurt, even if he figured he'd throw it on her to get up. Then he went back to tapping her face. "That's it… get your stubborn ass back here."  
Sam's look for Church was apologetic since his brother had basically snapped his order at her.  
Church shrugged it off since she knew what Dean could be like at times, and that right now he was worried about her friend. She hurried towards the bar.  
 _He can't save you either._ The whisper spoke again, and then its menacing laughter roared in Manda's head as her eyes shot open. The dark feeling in her was stronger now than it had been any other time.  
"Welcome back, Chambers." Dean greeted her with a weak smile when she came to. Then he saw the terror in her eyes, and felt her go completely stiff. "What's wrong?"  
"She might need a minute to become alert." Sam could see the fear on her as he stood there watching. Then he saw Dean pull her up a bit and a little closer to him at the same time.  
The laughter disappeared from her head, and while it disturbed Manda, it was the last whisper that repeated in her head as she looked up at Dean that bugged her more. She wanted to just fling herself around him, but couldn't bring herself to actually do it. "I… I…" she started, and then lost the words. Then she tried pulling away from him and only managed to get her butt off his legs and onto the hood before he gripped her tighter.  
"Don't try it." Dean's voice was firm, and his expression was serious as he looked at her. Then he flashed his brother the 'give us a minute' look. "Sammy, go get a couple of drinks in, we'll be in soon."  
"Sure," Sam headed back towards the bar. He knew Dean would calm her down first before getting her to talk about what had happened just now.  
Church was coming out of the doors as Sam was nearing them. She knew what it meant without him having to say anything, so she headed back inside the bar with him.  
"Okay, just you and me now. What's going on?" Dean asked her.  
Manda just looked at him and wasn't sure where to start. She knew she had to tell him about the voice she'd heard twice now, and what it probably meant. She turned her head and pressed her forehead against his shoulder.  
"Hey… you're all right." Dean wrapped his other arm over her then to make sure she felt safe there with him. "But you've got to tell me what's going on, Manda. Did the same thing happen again?"  
"I… I was here," she quietly uttered. She turned her head again and just leaned against him. "The clerk in the hotel remembered me and gave me the same room I was in a few days ago."  
"Damn it. You should have said something, we can question him," he said. As much as he wanted to get angry with her right now, she'd pull away even more than she already had if he did.  
"I don't even need to go in this bar to know I was here. I saw a flash of myself walking in before I passed out… the murder… I know I did it even if I can't remember it." Her voice got distant and hollow.  
Dean sighed. He'd been thinking this might happen before they got here. But she seemed to be holding something back. "What else?"  
Manda closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Let go of me first."  
"Agree not to run and I will," he replied. He really didn't want to let go of her, but if it kept her talking then he'd do it.  
"Deal." It would be easier this way for her. She knew he'd get pissed off when she told him the rest.  
Dean let go of her completely and watched as she moved to hang her legs over the front of the car and slid over more to leave some space between them. He wondered what she had to say, and why she chose distance again instead of staying close to him.  
She felt dizzy as she sat up straight, and then the pain in her head kicked in. Manda took the keys out of her jacket pocket and handed them to him. "There's a bottle of whiskey with the med stuff in the trunk… get it please."  
He looked at her oddly thinking she really didn't need any alcohol right now. "Okay… but maybe you should wait until you're in the bar."  
"Just get it, Dean." She sighed, unzipped her jacket and then took in a few more deep breaths of the cool night air as she tried to work up the nerve to talk, and to clear her head.  
Dean hopped off the hood and headed for the trunk. He found the whiskey quickly, and opened the partially empty bottle as he walked back to her. He pocketed her keys as he stopped right in front of her, and held out the bottle.  
Manda took it and downed a long sip. She went to offer it to him, but then put it back to her lips for an even longer sip this time.  
"Whoa... go easy there," Dean said as he reached for the bottle. When she gave it to him, he put the cap back on it and then placed it further back on the hood. "How about you start telling me whatever it is you've been holding back now."  
She absently grabbed at the chain around her neck, holding on to what she had put there instead of the pendant now. It would still keep her safe, but it offered her more strength, and was a reminder she needed with her. "I think I'm beyond screwed, Dean."  
"Why?" He looked at her and waited for an explanation.  
"It's… it's not done with me." Manda's tone was calm but detached. "I've heard this bastard in my head twice now. Both times before I passed out and when I got back up now, I heard this voice say something to me." She kept her head tilted down because she couldn't bear to look at him.  
He stared at her, and was a little more pissed with her for not mentioning it before. "What did it say?" Dean's tone was stern, demanding to know.  
"There was whispering that I couldn't make before, but then at the cemetery… it said my parents couldn't save me this time," her voice broke and she paused. "It welcomed me back here before I fainted… and then when I came to… it said… it said you can't save me either." Manda knew he was fuming, she could sense it from him without looking at him.  
"Son of a bitch," Dean growled out harshly, and then turned around briefly. He was quiet as the anger towards this demon rose in him. It had to be messing with her still somehow, and he didn't know how it was managing to do that without possessing her still unless it near here. His eyes scanned around then to look, but also because he didn't want to turn around just yet. He was angry with Manda too, but he didn't want to fight with her, and knew that's what would happen if he started in on her now. He took a deep breath, and tried to push his anger at her aside.  
"Is that it?" he asked seriously as he turned back around to face her.  
"Yeah," she got quiet again.  
Dean lifted her head up to look at him. He needed to see she wasn't lying now, that she'd finally told him everything. "You're sure?"  
Manda knew he thought she was holding something back still, but she wasn't. "I think it's linked to me somehow, but I don't know exactly why or how. Got to be the marks on my back. And because of what it said, I think it's the same demon I met years ago. The one that..." She just looked at him, her eyes wide with fright.  
"You should have told me this earlier." He stared at her, and could see all the fear in her then. As much as she tried to hide it, she couldn't, and her toughness was cracking before him. And now Dean just wanted to find the damn thing and kill it for what it had done, what it was still doing to her. If it thought he couldn't save her, it had another thing coming, because that's exactly what he intended to do now as he looked at her sitting there like this.  
"I wasn't sure what I was hearing… there's crazy and weird for us, and then there's just plain crazy, Dean. I had to make sure it was what it was before I said anything," Manda admitted faintly.  
Dean moved his hand up to the side of her face and rubbed her cheek with his thumb. "What the hell have you gotten yourself into, Chambers?" His eyes searched hers as he wondered just how she had ended up in this mess, and if he had played some part it in somehow.  
Manda shrugged. She wasn't sure, but she had an idea and if it was that, she feared what would happen soon enough. "Trouble like always. And history, I think… and if that's the case, then you need to go before it catches up with me again."  
"No," he said defiantly. If she thought he was going to leave her here to deal with this alone, she was mistaken, because there was no way in hell Dean was going anywhere until this was over and she was in the clear from whatever was happening.  
"I won't lose more people this way, Dean… I can't do it. I'll die before I let it happen again." Manda spoke rapidly as she felt the panic setting in at the thought of the price she might have to pay again.  
Dean could see her starting to break, so he put both hands on her shoulders. "It's not going to come to that. I'm not letting it come to that."  
"Don't you get it? I'm here… here in this goddamn town where it all happened years ago… where I came completely prepared to die." Her voice was louder, but breaking. "You need to go. Just turn around, get Sam and Church, and just leave me here to get it right this time." She knocked his hands off her then and slid off the hood. "I don't need you, Dean," she yelled as she pushed him. "Just go."  
He knew she was trying to send him away by attempting to hurt him, she'd done it before. "Stop it, Manda, just stop." Dean's voice was deadly serious and loud as he tried to get through to her. He stepped closer to her again since she'd managed to push him back a step or two.  
"Go… just go. Forget about me for good, and get the hell out of here and away from me." She started smacking her fists against his chest when he was in front of her and tried to push him back again.  
Dean took a few of her hits since he knew she needed to get them out. Then he grabbed her by the wrists and pulled her against him. "You know I can't do that, Manda."  
And then Manda finally lost it. Everything finally piled up just right and hit her like a ton of bricks. The tears started to fall then and she leaned into him. "I'm so tired of this life," she mumbled through her tears. "I'm sick of it, and everything it costs."  
Dean let go of her wrists and wrapped her in his arms tightly. As much as he wasn't used to this kind of thing, he'd been waiting for her to break down completely, so he just let her cry there against him. Her sobbing wasn't hysterical, but almost silent, like it was something to hide. He knew then she'd been raised to do just that, hide that weakness, and wondered just how tough she had been taught to be as a little girl in a family of hunters. "I know… believe me, I know." His tone was gentle as he related to how tired he was of it and everything it had cost himself.  
She slipped her arms around him. If anyone could get how tired she was of the hunter life and all the crap that came with it, it would be Dean. He'd been through too much, more than she had, and yet here he was being strong and dealing with her. She looked up at him through her tearful eyes. "I'm sorry," she managed to get out without choking on the words. "Sorry for just how much you understand that."  
He didn't believe then that even in her moment of weakness, Manda was apologizing to him for things that weren't her fault, and something they had in common. It was the hunter life that had introduced them to each other, but it was also the same one that would keep them from being together, and he knew it just as much as she did. "Don't be… it's just something else we get about each other." Dean put his hands on her face, and kissed her forehead.  
She nodded, and made herself stop crying then. "Sorry for losing it, and for being such a girl on you again."  
"I won't hold it against you, you're not Sam," he chuckled, then let his hands fall from her face.  
Manda sniffled with a small laugh. "Thanks." Then she let go of Dean and wiped under her eyes with the sleeves of her jacket.  
He watched her, and then noticed something that bothered him. The symbol was gone from around her neck and replaced with a set of rings. "Where's the symbol that should be hanging from that chain?"  
"It's covered, Dean, but go ahead and take a closer look at the rings to make sure," she said. Manda knew he'd want to check it himself to make sure she actually was still safe.  
Dean lifted the chain up from her chest. He barely made out the tiny engravings that covered both sides of each ring as he looked at them. He recognized quite a few of them. "Were they your parents'?"  
"Their wedding rings…. dad made me promise to keep them in case I… in case there was anyone one day." Manda had no idea why she was telling him about the promise she'd been forced into, but she just let it out. She had never found anyone who needed the larger one, and while she cared for Dean, a part of her knew this thing between them would never last for very long anyway.  
He was silent for a minute. He knew those rings would only ever end up where they were now as he let the chain fall back against her chest. Manda didn't do relationships, and this thing she had with him was as close as it got for her. If Dean was honest about it, this was as close as it got for him too. "Keep them on, okay?"  
She nodded at him and then took a step back. "Guess we should head inside so I can fill them in on the rest."  
Dean could see she was willing to talk now, but he wondered just how much she'd let them help her with this. "None of us are going to let you do this alone, so if you're doing shutting us out…"  
"I am," Manda cut him off quietly. Then she turned around and grabbed the whiskey bottle off the car. "Hey… you still have my keys." She spun back around and looked at him.  
He chuckled. "Uh huh, and you're not getting them back tonight."  
"Then go put this back where it came from." Manda held out the bottle.  
Dean laughed as he took it from her before walking to the back of the car. "Church can drive your car back to the hotel. You're riding with me when we're done here." He just wanted to keep an eye on her, and have her close to him just in case something else happened to her again.  
"Okay." She followed him quietly to the trunk since there was something she needed in there.  
He was sticking the bottle back where he'd found it when he noticed her beside him then. "Done fighting me tonight?" Dean asked, a bit surprised. She hadn't even tried to argue about not being allowed to drive her own car back.  
Manda reached in, pulled out a messenger style bag and swung it over her shoulder. "Yeah." She was done fighting him tonight. She'd tried to make him leave, and he had stayed and put up with her crap. And now Manda was almost ready to be done with fighting how she really felt about him because of that too.  
"Good… got everything you need, weapons included?" Dean asked her, and waited to close the trunk.  
"I'm sure you felt a few things on me, and if none of that covers it, there's whatever you have on you," she answered. "I know you've got my back if anything goes down."  
"True." He had felt a few things on her when he picked her up, and she was right, if she didn't have what was needed, he probably did. He would always have her back when he was with her too, and he was glad she trusted that. He closed the trunk then.  
Manda turned, looked at him and put her hand on his arm. "Stay with me when we get back to the hotel?"  
Dean turned to look at her and smirked. She was reaching out, and she wanted him with her again. "Did you really think sticking me with Sam tonight was going to work in the end? You know you can't get rid of me that easily, Manda."  
Her laugh was warm as she reached up and let her fingertips brush his cheek. "What am I going to do with you, Winchester?" she asked as she gazed in his eyes.  
He raised a brow at her. "I can think of a few things," he teased and told the truth. He needed to shift the mood to something lighter for just a while with her.  
"I'm sure you can... and maybe I'll let you show me a few of them before dawn." Manda raised her brow back at him, and gave into the opening he'd given for a lighter atmosphere between them.  
Dean grinned at the words, and at how she had matched him without hesitating. "Challenging me, Chambers? Because you know I'll hold you to it."  
She laughed as she turned around and walked back to the side mirror to look at her face. "Great, I've got the just-cried-out-my-eyes look," she muttered as she leaned down and looked in the mirror.  
He checked her out as he came up behind her. "It doesn't matter," he mumbled.  
"Quit checking out my ass, Dean," Manda chuckled, and then stood up straight and turned around to find him a few steps behind her.  
Dean's smirk was sheepish at how she'd busted him. "Ready to go inside?"  
"Are you walking in with me or before or after?" She looked at him not sure of how he wanted to play this if they still wanted to find out some answers.  
"With you." He knew he'd see a few sets of eyes in there wander over Manda, and he would rather have them know she was with him.  
"Okay, if that's how you want to play it." She smirked as she turned around and started walking to the door.  
"It is," Dean chuckled, and caught up to her in a step. "So, what's in the bag?"  
"Something that will tell me if I'm dealing with the same thing or not," Manda paused. "It's everything I was too young or stupid to know or pay attention to years ago, things I was never told, and what I never went through after my parents died… everything they had on that demon."  
Their hands hit as they both reached for the door at the same time, and then they looked at each other.  
"It's going to be a long night isn't it?" Dean sort of groaned.  
"Depends on how fast you can read or just hand it over to Sam or Church to let them do it." She smirked at him, and dropped her hand.  
"I like the way you think," he said as he opened the door and they walked in.  
Neither of them saw the man with the evil grin and black eyes walk out from the shadows around the corner of the bar once they had walked in, or how he slipped away into the night laughing.


	11. Chapter 11

The bar yielded very little information in the end. Church and Sam had worked on finding out if the local guy who'd been murdered had been in there.  
And once Manda had come in with Dean, they had worked on finding out if anyone had remembered seeing her.  
It turned out that a bartender did remember seeing Manda there two nights in a row, but that was about it. Apparently she'd been alone, and might have talked to a few people, but she hadn't been seen doing anything much besides having a drink or two while she'd been here.  
The only real piece of useful information was that the murdered man had turned out to be somewhat of a frequent visitor, and he'd been there on both nights as well. It was then that they knew it had been her for sure.  
They decided that tomorrow they'd do some work on finding out more about him by talking to his family and friends. The staff at the bar knew him, and had told them a little, but nothing that panned out or gave a clue as to why a demon had wanted him dead.  
So after the hunters had done their bit of questioning and shared what little they had learned with each other over a drink or two, Manda told Sam and Church what she'd told Dean outside. Now all of them knew about the weird stuff that was going on with her, and what she feared was happening.  
Once Manda was done explaining everything, she looked at Sam and Church who sat across from her at a table. "So now that all of you know I'm the job at the moment, what do you think?" That's how she felt right then, that she was the job instead of working it because she was. As much as she hated to think it, it was the truth and it bothered the hunter in her.  
"We've all been there, Manda. All of us have gotten mixed up in things that turned us into a job we've had to find a way out of," Sam sympathized with her.  
"It's created a telepathic type link to you somehow," Church said. That much was clear, if she was hearing it. "But how and why, I haven't got a clue."  
"Great, so am I sleeping next to Patricia Arquette in Medium or a not quite holy version of Stigmata tonight?" Dean turned his head to look at Manda beside him. Knowing a demon was inside her mind at times annoyed him almost as much as the influence the yellow-eyed demon had held over Sam before. He hadn't been able to stop that with Sam back then, and right now he couldn't stop whatever was going on with Manda. The protector in Dean hated that, feeling like there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening even when he wanted to.  
"Dude…" Sam shook his head. Dean was just being his usual self, but he was also hiding his concern again for the female hunter who sat beside him, and the younger Winchester knew it as he looked at the older one across the table.  
Manda chuckled, knocking her knee against Dean's under the table. She knew he was joking, and while it made him sort of an ass at times, he was who he was and she wouldn't have liked him any other way. "I don't know… which one does Sam remind you of more?" She met his eye, the corners of her lips curling upwards slightly. She wasn't pushing him away again, but her normal sarcasm and strength was returning after finally breaking down and getting it out of her system.  
Dean smirked because he knew Manda was switching back to the stronger version of herself again by throwing out the quip back at him so quickly. And he knew he was still staying with her back at the hotel too. He knocked his foot against hers in mild flirty return under the table. "Neither, he's Haley Joel."  
Church sighed through a small laugh. Sometimes Dean and Manda were exhausting to be around when they got this way. And while her friend was in a situation that needed seriousness, she knew it was typical of both of them to be like this. She was thankful her friend was starting to act more like herself again though. Church had noticed her puffy eyes right away when she'd walked in the bar awhile ago, and knew then that Manda had finally broken down on Dean outside like she had needed to.  
Sam ignored the teasing and got straight to the point. "So what's the source of the link… a demonic infection of some kind?" His mind was trying to focus on all the angles of things they knew or had dealt with before.  
"My scars maybe?" Manda mumbled. "Each time I heard the whispering I couldn't make out or the three times it spoke, my scars were being phantom scratched."  
"They're pretty red and raw looking, so it could be an infection of some kind, but there's not exactly a test or a pill for demonic infections is there? She's not acting like the one we dealt with a few years back." Dean's voice had come out a bit harsh as he looked hard across the table at Sam. The last thing he wanted to think about was that some demon had infected the girl he cared about, but it was possible. And if that was the case, it would wish it had never come across her once he came across it.  
Sam flashed his brother the 'you're being a dick' look then.  
"How do we get rid of this then?" Chuch asked. It was one of the things that all of them had on their minds right then.  
"Kill the demon," Dean answered without hesitating. "We find it and kill it." He let his fingers graze the back of Manda's shoulder with the scars since he had his arm along the top of her chair. He'd done it without thinking and realized it was only to remind her she wasn't alone in this, and that he'd kill the damned thing since that's what needed to be done.  
"Sure, let me call it here like E.T. phones home so you can get to it then." She raised her hand and pointed out a finger then just like the fictional creature did in the movie. "Guess that telephone doesn't work both ways," she said sarcastically. She knew that in their line of work you had to separate yourself from the things that happened to you sometimes, and she'd had her moment of weakness outside. She hoped it was the last too, because those moments just didn't get the job done, and she needed to detach a part of herself from it to do that. Sarcasm was a great defense for helping with that, and she knew she used it well.  
Church laughed, her friend was definitely back to normal now.  
Dean chuckled at her sarcastic use of the movie reference. He knew she had recovered from the breakdown she'd had in front of him, and he wore a tiny grin right then. "Cute, Manda, real cute, but it's a demon and not frigging E.T."  
Sam shook his head, and smirked with chuckle at how much Manda and Dean acted like each other at times as he looked at them. But he liked her with his brother, even if it was disturbing how similar they were sometimes.  
"All kidding aside you two…" Church started and paused, giving both Dean and Manda a 'behave' look. "We need to figure out what it wants still by staying connected to you, and then how we can find it so we can end this."  
"Ruby might be able to help us with that one, I'll call her." Sam got up and headed outside to make the call.  
"Terrific," Church mumbled under her breath. She didn't like Ruby, they had met once, and she just didn't like her at all, and hoped she wouldn't show up soon.  
Dean picked up on the sudden dislike that came off of Church and chuckled. "Not exactly your favourite person, is she?"  
"Not yours either, is she?" Church shot it back, and then laughed when he gave her the 'touché' look and nod with a smirk in return.  
"I still need to go through my parents' journals," Manda said then. She'd been debating on pulling them out to get started, but wanted to wait until she was back at the hotel.  
"You still think it's the same one?" Dean asked her. He wasn't sure that's what it was, but if that's what she wanted to look into, it couldn't hurt in case she was right.  
"It could be toying with me. You know demons and their lies, their so-called humour, but anything's possible." She hoped it wasn't the same one because of what'd she do if it was.  
"Yeah, just as bad as politicians and they all think they're comedians." Dean knew this one could just be messing with her to throw her off completely if it wasn't the same one. Although, the reason as to why wasn't clear, not that he could see anyway.  
"I'll take one of those to read through tonight if you want," Church offered.  
"It can wait until tomorrow. You've all had a longer day than I have, so just get some rest back at the hotel and we'll hit them tomorrow." Manda smiled weakly at her friend.  
Dean hid his smirk. If there was no reading to do, and if she didn't want to do it herself, they would be free to spend some time together again.  
"We're all used to long days," Church smiled back at her friend. She didn't know why Manda was blowing it off now, unless she just didn't want to deal with it once again.  
Sam came back then and sat down. "Can't get a hold of her."  
"Figures," Dean scoffed, and then finished his beer.  
"Can we get out of here now?" Manda asked. She just wanted out of this bar, and to maybe catch some sleep after starting on one of her parents' journals. Breaking down and passing out left her feeling a little drained even though she was trying to be strong again. And if she couldn't sleep, then she figured it was time to work out things with Dean after what had happened outside.  
"Sure," Dean replied, and removed his arm from the top of her chair. He pulled out her car keys and slid them across the table to Church. "Drive her car back to the hotel."  
Church looked at him oddly. "Uh… all right." Then she looked at Manda with a 'what's going on?' look.  
Manda looked at her friend and then flashed a glance sideways at Dean to let her know it was his doing. "Just not up for driving."  
Sam wanted to laugh since Dean had probably given her the order that she was riding with him. There was protective, and then there was Dean when he cared about someone, and he knew Manda didn't have a choice no matter how much she might have fought him on it if that's what his brother wanted. He looked at Dean and only got a 'what?' look in return.  
"Let's get out of here then," Church said. She would welcome the time to get some rest, it had been a long day, and she'd slept very little the night before. She grabbed the keys off the table and stood up. "Been awhile since I've gotten to drive the 'Velle."  
"Take care of my baby… and park her by my room please," Manda laughed.  
Dean chuckled as he got up. He liked the way she loved her car as much as he loved his.  
Manda grabbed her bag from the floor, tossed it over her shoulder again, stood up and just started to walk when the pain in her head started. She weakly groaned, and then stumbled back a little as her sight went blurry, and then a vision took control of her mind.  
She saw herself walking out of this bar after a man and stopping him in the lot. The short conversation between them played in her head, and then she'd driven after him when he had left. She could almost feel the knife in her hand at that point for how real the vision felt.  
Dean grabbed her by the arm to keep her steady since he was closest to her. "Goddamn it, not again," he gritted out lowly.  
"She has to be having a vision, that's what it was like for me," Sam uttered. He remembered how his reaction had almost the same as hers was now each time a vision had hit him.  
"Manda?" Dean called her sharply. Her eyes were closed, and it was clear she was in pain by the expression on her face when he looked at her.  
"Get me out of here," she panicked weakly as the vision left her, but the pain stayed in her head. And then she heard the voice rattle off.  
_Poor guy didn't stand a chance against you anyway, but not at all while I controlled you. Will you survive or die like he did when I come for you next, Manda?_  
The pain went off down her back and the heat coursed through her body again. "Dean…" Manda mumbled his name barely at whisper level.  
Dean felt her getting warm. "I've got you, we're getting out of here," he said quietly. He wrapped an arm around her, and started to lead her towards the door like she'd just had too much to drink. He knew she'd succumb to unconsciousness quickly so he hurried to get her out of the bar before that happened.  
Church and Sam were right behind them, and then Church was in front of them opening the door so Dean could get her friend out of there easily.  
_How sweet, boy wonder cares… how will Dean feel when he watches you die?_ The voice turned into hard, cold laughter once again, and then the silence of unconsciousness took over for her as everything went black.  
They had barely made it to the door when Dean felt her go limp. He leaned her against him more, and then lifted Manda up slightly so he wasn't dragging her as he took her outside.  
"What is this bastard doing to her?" Chuch asked once they were all outside.  
Dean had leaned her up against the wall and started trying to get Manda to come to again.  
"If it keeps doing this, it's going to wear Manda down fast… it has to want or need her for something." Sam just watched his brother, who was once again trying to rouse her.  
Manda felt the hand smacking her lightly, heard her name being called, and knew it was Dean. She felt fairly weak as she opened her eyes and looked at him.  
She came to quicker this time and Dean was thankful for that, but this was beginning to worry the hell out of him. This was the third time today, and it always hit her without warning. "Can't resist passing out around me, can you?" He went for a soft joke as he saw the way she looked at him helplessly.  
Manda felt the bile rising to her throat at the vision she'd seen, but more of it was over the words the voice has spoken this time. She couldn't find a voice to answer Dean, and just broke away as she half-ran, but mostly stumbled quickly over to bushes that were a little past the bar at the edge of the lot.  
Dean walked after her briskly, but stopped when he saw her drop to her knees and heard her throwing up. His jaw tightened and his eyes got hard as he watched her. This demon might be having fun with her now, but once he got his hands on it, it would never have fun again.  
"Let's get her back to the hotel, and then we can start working on this," Church said as she walked closer to where her friend was. Seeing Manda like this wasn't normal or right as she was always pretty tough, but right now she just seemed like the complete opposite, and that bugged Church.  
"We need to know what you saw and heard this time, Manda," Sam added as he looked around to make sure no one was hanging around watching them.  
Manda stood up, wiped her mouth with the end of her sleeve, and took a deep breath but didn't turn around. "It's going to kill me." Her voice broke just a little before she regained it. "It's going to kill me like it made me kill those men." She grabbed her parents' rings around her neck, and held them tightly for the comfort they offered.  
Dean gritted his teeth harder at the words. He saw the way her shoulders carried the weight of fear riddled with tension, and knew she wouldn't turn around yet when they would see how torn up she was inside over whatever the voice had said to her this time. Breaking down again wasn't an option for her, he knew that, but he also knew that sometimes she just wasn't as strong as she was supposed to be for how she'd been raised and trained to be. Neither was he at times if he had to admit it.  
"Manda… what happened this time?" Church had asked because it needed to be. She figured Dean might have, but he was standing there tense and on alert.  
"I saw it… I saw how I followed this guy out here, talked to him… and then how I followed him home." Manda saw it again in her mind as she told them, and then she could feel the stickiness of blood on her hands that wasn't actually there, and she gripped the rings a little tighter.  
"What did the demon say this time?" Dean walked a little closer to her now.  
Manda was silent for a minute or two as she tried to put on the best game face she could before she turned around and just looked at him. "It told me the guy didn't stand a chance against me when it controlled me, and asked if I'd live or die when it comes for me." Her voice was raw as she heard the words repeat in her head.  
"So it is coming for you?" Church looked at her strangely. "What the hell is this thing up to?"  
"It… it asked… it asked me… how you'll feel when you watch me die, Dean," Manda barely got the words out as she looked at him, and all the fear she'd been pushing down came flooding back to her eyes then.  
Dean's face twitched with rage. The damn thing was messing around with her, and maybe also with him now. But if this was happening to her because of him, he had no idea what he'd do. "Damn thing is looking to get ripped apart," he grunted out angrily. Then he walked the few steps between them. He didn't care at that point that Sam and Church were there, he just needed to touch her and calm a little of the fear in her for now. He cupped her face with one hand to make sure she kept looking at him. "You're not going to die, Manda, but this bastard will. I swear."  
She nodded as she tried to believe him, but inside Manda felt her time was running out now no matter what Dean wanted to say. In this town where she'd almost died and lost her parents before, she felt as if it would come full circle and this time around she'd only leave here one way, and it wouldn't be alive.  
"We should get out of here," Church spoke up then as she scanned the lot herself. It was too open and even if there were four of them, only three of them were in a position to fight right now. Although she figured Dean would more than make up for it at the moment. She could see his softness towards Manda with how he'd just reached out to her, but she could also see the intense rage in him he'd use to protect her too.  
"Demon's got to be close by. We should get back to the hotel where we can keep her mostly safe for now," Sam agreed. Each time he'd had a vision when he'd had them, the yellow eyed demon had been somewhat close. He looked around again, but saw nothing unusual.  
"Probably is… so let's get you out of here, Chambers." Dean rubbed her cheek with his thumb before his hand left her face. It was the best he could offer her at the moment, and whatever other comfort she might need from him would have to wait until they were alone in a little while.  
Church headed for Manda's car. "Meet you back there soon," she called out.  
Sam headed for the Impala. "Okay, Church."  
Manda took another deep breath and started walking to Dean's car.  
He was right beside her on the short walk over to the Impala. She didn't speak, but just headed for the backseat, and neither did he before he climbed into the driver's seat. But his face was grim and his eyes were hard as he met Sam's gaze from the passenger seat.  
Sam knew this bothered his brother a lot, and that Dean was probably starting to think he'd caused this to happen to her somehow just by hearing her repeat the demon's words.  
As Dean glanced on and off at Manda in the rear view mirror on the way back to the hotel, he saw her staring out the window as if lost in thought. She was playing tough, and keeping her face hard and emotion free from the angle he could see. He wondered if she would retreat into herself now.  
It was clear the girl he'd grown fairly close to in a few months was now worried she was going to die soon. He knew exactly how that felt since he'd gone through it himself, and Dean hated that this was just another way they would understand each other a little more.  
It was weighing on his mind then, the words Manda had said. How this demon was going to kill her, and how it asked her how he would feel when he watched her die. And he hated to think that this was somehow his doing or some douchey demon's twisted game to get at him by using her, but it was there in his mind as he pulled up to the hotel.  
He wasn't going to watch her die though. That damned thing had to be lying, and Dean was determined to prove it by keeping her alive.  
_I'll feel just peachy when she watches you die, you son of a bitch._ The thought ran through his head as he hoped that the bastard doing this to Manda could somehow hear his thoughts right then. _Completely peachy and satisfied once your evil ass is toasted and my girl is still alive._ He finished the thought as he walked into her room with her to make sure everything was okay for when he left her alone to take care of a few things.  
Dean thought about why he'd called her his girl so easily in his mind as he wandered around the room and looked for clues that might have been left over if the cleaning staff hadn't been thorough. He figured it was because that's how he thought of Manda when they were together or because she was seemed bound to be once this thing was over.  
If this demon wanted her, it would have to go through him, and Dean wasn't about to let it take her from him. He still hadn't confessed to wanting her at his side a little more often, and that was incentive enough for him to do whatever it might take to keep her alive.  
He smirked to himself as he watched Manda go about making sure the room was protected with all the usual things she used as he finished looking around. He'd come up with nothing and went to sit on the bed.  
"You can go now, Dean." Manda walked back to the bed where he was sitting when she was finished doing her normal routine she did in each hotel room.  
"You okay?" He looked at her and stood up. He had to ask, she'd been quiet ever since they had left the bar.  
"Yeah." She looked back at him, and could tell was worried about her. "I'm okay for now, so go do what you need to."  
Dean believed her. Despite everything that was happening, she seemed to be doing okay right now. "Stay in here, Manda. Sit tight for now… I'll be back in awhile." His voice was serious as he gave her the order.  
She nodded, knowing it was better not to argue with him now, and she didn't want to either. "I could use a few minutes to myself, and I've got some reading to do anyway," Manda said as she reached in her bag, and pulled out one of her dad's journals she'd never been through.  
"Give me the other one, I'll take it to Sam to get started on." Dean knew they had to search through them in case there was something in either one that held a lead.  
Manda reached into the bag, and then handed him the other one.  
Dean took the journal from her. "I'll give this to geek boy when I grab my stuff… and you just keep that fine ass of yours in this room, Chambers." He went for a little teasing to get a better read on her, and to double check that she wasn't about to get stubborn and leave.  
"I'll still be here when you get your own fine ass back here, Winchester." She flashed him a smile as she took the bait into his game.  
Dean gave her his best cocky grin. "I do have a fine ass."  
She chuckled as she kicked off her shoes. "You do… when you aren't just being an ass that is," she teased, and yet told the truth. Not that it mattered to her, she could be bitchy just as much as he could be an ass, and she knew it.  
"Right back at you, sweetheart," Dean chuckled as he teased her back. They were both difficult at times, but he knew they were alike that way, and it didn't bother him too much. She could irritate him, and he knew he did it back to her, but somehow they always got over it quickly.  
"Glad we understand each other then." Manda grinned.  
He laughed as he headed for the door. "We always do," he smirked as he left.  
Manda was his girl; he just hadn't said it out loud yet. And maybe the timing wasn't right, but whatever happened now, Dean knew he needed to get out the words sooner or later.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read this far - you might be glad to know this is the turning point for the two hunters, and things will be getting steamy. Time to get them nice and tangled for later. Hope you're liking them together.

Dean questioned the clerk that was still on duty before he headed to Sam's room. All he learned was that Manda had been there for three days under one of her aliases, and the clerk hadn't noticed anything unusual about her when he'd seen her days before.  
He even tossed a little holy water on him while his back was turned just in case he happened to be a demon lying through his teeth, but nothing had happened. He wasn't taking chances anymore, not after that last bit of what had happened to her, and they figured this demon had to be close by. It would probably make an appearance sooner or later, and he was ready and waiting for it to.  
Once Dean was done, he went to Sam's room. "You've got some reading to do, Sammy," he greeted his brother as he walked in. Then he tossed the journal beside Sam. "Call if you find something."  
"I'll get through some of it tonight." Sam could see the way his brother was a little less angry now, but still strained. "We'll find her a way out of whatever this is, Dean."  
Dean went to grab his bag. As much as he wanted to talk to Sam, he didn't. "Of course we will, it's what we do," he said confidently.  
"So, did you give her your speech about staying in the room and watching porn?" Sam wondered if he'd order her around the same way he did with him.  
"Yup, and unlike you, she listens." Dean grinned at his brother. He hadn't given her the exact same speech, but Sam didn't need to know that.  
Sam scoffed. "I doubt that."  
"Get reading, Sammy… anything scars, demonic psychic crap or infection related, you call." Dean's tone was more serious now, the smile already gone from his face.  
"About what it said about you watching her die…" Sam wanted to bring it up even if he figured Dean would avoid it.  
"She's not dying, the son of a bitch is wrong about that," he gritted out. "Manda's tough, and was raised a hell of a lot like we were. She'll fight it like we would." Dean knew some of her strength, but he figured she was tougher than she wanted to admit sometimes, because she might have been pushed even harder than they had been since she was a girl.  
"Maybe she's tough, but I noticed how different she was before and after she walked in the bar with you. She broke down on you finally, but now with what happened when we were leaving… I saw her fear just as much as you did. And I saw how you handled her then." Sam had seen the way Dean had needed to calm her, but also how protective he was in that moment. It had reminded him of the way his brother got with him, yet was slightly different.  
"Dude, she… I just…" Dean started, but stopped. He didn't want to open up about why he had needed to touch her in that moment. He didn't like seeing Manda scared, it just wasn't her, and she'd been scared shitless. Dean had seen it in her eyes, her stance, and the way her fingers had gripped her parents' rings hard enough to break them if it was possible.  
"Manda needed you." It had been obvious to Sam from the way her wide with terror eyes had stared at his brother as she said the words about how Dean would feel when he watched her die. "She still needs you, and that's why we're here. I get it."  
"If this is the same one that took out her parents, she'll kill herself going after it, Sam. I can't… I can't let her do that," Dean blurted out harshly. Then he cursed himself for letting Sam manage to get something out of him. "She needs our help." He tried to downplay it now even when he knew Sam saw how much he cared.  
"I know you care about her, Dean..." Sam started.  
"Just get started on reading that journal. I want to call Bobby still, and then make sure that Manda's not gone a little Linda Blair by now," Dean cut his brother off, heading for the door with his bag in his hand. He wasn't going to listen to Sam now. He wanted to call Bobby and get his take on it, plus ask a little of what he might have known about her parents, and then he was heading back to Manda.  
"Fine, and after you see her head isn't spinning around, maybe you should let her know how you really feel, Dean," Sam said as he watched the way his brother avoided this now.  
Dean walked out the door then. Sam was right, he needed to tell her just in case he couldn't protect her the way he wanted to, but he wasn't letting some demon bastard kill her either way.  
He walked over to the Impala, and then leaned against it for awhile before he made his call.

[ - ]

Playing it cool in front of Dean wasn't easy, but Manda had done it, or he'd just been willing to overlook what she felt was a poorly worn disguise of someone being okay. She was far from okay. So far from it that the breakdown she had on him earlier was nothing compared to what might come next if something didn't give soon.  
Manda had waited a minute until after he'd left, and then she had run into the bathroom to throw up again and again, and yet again. She had emptied her stomach at the sick feeling that was still there from the vision, and from hearing the voice's words repeating in her head still.  
Three times there had been a voice in her head. There was no doubt for her that it was a demon with the way it taunted and the evil she felt inside. But what it really wanted with her, she didn't know.  
She showered, brushed her teeth to get rid of the purged stomach taste, and then downed a few sips of holy water from granddad's old flask. It wasn't sensible, but she needed to do it. Then she poured a little of it down her scars just because it was a precaution she needed to take, and while maybe it was overboard, she felt relieved when nothing happened.  
Touching the rings that hung from her neck for some strength, Manda settled into bed with the only one of her father's journals she had never been through. He had two more, and she had them here too since she used them for reference at times, but the one in her hands was one she had never brought herself to open.  
For the things it held and the path of destruction it could bring her, the end of the rope feeling was there as she held it. If this turned out to be the same demon, Manda knew she was done for, because if the damn thing didn't get to her first, she'd end up dying in her attempt to seek a revenge that had never been fulfilled mixed with a new one.  
Her hands shook as she opened the journal and started to search for what she needed, but she didn't get far. Her mind was too full, she was scared, and soon enough she just laid her head on the pillow and stared at the writing without reading it.  
Manda wasn't sure she was ready to know at that moment. As much as she wanted to know, if she knew it was the same demon, everything would change. She'd be running out of here, pushing away who she needed most, and would meet her demise quickly.  
Flipping absently through the pages then, she came across something that ripped into her heart. A picture she'd never seen of her parents with the toddler version of herself lay tucked between two pages, and it was then that the promise of keeping the rings made sense to her.  
Daniel Chambers had wanted his daughter to find the same small happiness that he had in spite of the hunter lifestyle. For as tough as he'd always been on her about not forming attachments and shutting off her emotions, he'd known she had his heart in the end. That eventually she'd find someone to love and try to have a tiny bit of happiness with – the same kind she'd seen between her parents on and off hunting jobs.  
She wondered what her dad would have thought of Dean, and knew he would have tested the hell out of him for one key reason – he was John Winchester's kid.  
Manda had seen the name awhile ago crossed out one of her father's other journals, and had remembered John's name being used years ago between her family and a few other hunters they knew in a heated argument, but she had never met the man. And once or twice her father had warned her about staying away from his boys should they ever cross paths on something when she'd been a teenager.  
That meant her dad would have preferred her sleeping with the rifle instead of the man by the same name, but Manda had always butted heads with her dad when he'd been alive. The stubborn streak he'd tried to rid her of had always kicked in against him at some point, and even now, she was once again disobeying something he'd told her to do. But he would have eventually understood why she liked Dean, or at least she hoped he would have.  
So if her time was running out like she felt it was now, then Manda knew she had to come clean with Dean about her real feelings for him. "Please just let me have tonight with him," she muttered in a whisper to whatever demon had been in her head, to a god she wanted to believe in, and to her parents who might be watching over her.  
Manda took one last look at the photo, and then closed her eyes. She was so lost in her torn thoughts over what to do, what was happening, and finally figuring out what she wanted, that she barely registered the sound of the door opening.  
"No more episodes of demon whisperer happen while I was gone?" Dean asked as he opened the door and walked in. Then he saw Manda lying there curled up on the bed. She had left the sheets down and was there on her side with her back to him. He couldn't help but notice she'd opted for nothing more than a tank top and matching boy-short cut underwear.  
He locked up, and then went to put his bag down lightly as he wondered if she was asleep. "Manda?" he called her quietly. She didn't answer though, so Dean took off his boots and jacket and headed to the bathroom.  
Manda had heard him, but just continued to lay there like she was asleep. It was easier for now to pretend she was sleeping when her will to admit things just wasn't fully there.  
Dean took his time, and when he came out he wandered around to double check everything she'd put out to keep the room protected was still there. Then he took off his jeans and left on his t-shirt. He figured she was pretending, so he cleared his throat before he climbed into bed beside her.  
She lied there so still and quiet with her eyes tightly closed. She needed to be open with him, wanted so badly to, but just didn't know if she could or how to even start.  
Dean reached over her and took the journal from in front of her. He saw the picture instantly, and right then he didn't know if she had managed to read anything upon seeing it herself. He started reading from where it was opened at, but kept glancing towards her.  
It had been so hard when he'd reached over her for Manda not to just grab his arm and pull it around her at that moment, but she stayed motionless there on her side, breathing lightly.  
About fifteen minutes later, he closed the journal, put it on the night table on his side and then rolled onto his side behind her. "I'm good at pretending to sleep too, so I know you're still awake, Manda." Dean's tone was calm and quiet as he called her out on it.  
Manda didn't answer, but inhaled deeply and moved just a little. She felt like a chicken for not being able to just get it out, especially after the way he'd looked after her today.  
"Okay, if you're playing it that way…" Dean leaned over her to click out the light on her side of the bed.  
It was now or never to get it out, so Manda grabbed his arm to stop him, pulled it down a little and then let go.  
Dean froze where he was, and then let his hand rest on her arm. "You all right?" He looked down at her then.  
She couldn't keep up her brave act anymore. Manda reached for his hand and then pulled his arm over her. "Now I am."  
"Uh…" Dean didn't know what to do for a moment since she had never pulled his arm over her before. Then he smiled to himself since this was a gesture of needing him, and sunk back down on the mattress behind her.  
"Yeah, uncomfortable territory of me doing another of the ultimate chick-flick moves on you today, but I just need you to hold me for awhile, okay?" she said softly as she put her hand over his and pressed their hands against her chest. She just needed to feel him there while she tried to get out what she wanted to say.  
He pulled her tightly against him with his arm she held over her. "Not like you to ask, but I think I can manage that, and to live through another one or two of your chick moments." She had never asked for him to hold her before either, but he knew she had to be worried for her life if she was reaching out this way to him.  
Manda uncurled herself a little, and adjusted to the shape of him behind her. "I always feel so safe with you, Dean… and we both know that I don't feel safe on my own right now."  
Dean wasn't sure what else was going on with her besides being scared the worst was going to happen. "Manda, you're…"  
"Shhh," she cut him off. "Just hear me out for a minute, all right?" It came out as more of a demand.  
"Okay," Dean replied in a whisper. Sometimes there was no arguing with her, but he was the same way sometimes too.  
"I wanted this in every lonely hotel bed in every lonely city in the past three months, Dean. You with me… like this." The vulnerability the confession held was apparent, but it had been what Manda had thought about most nights in empty hotel rooms from city to city on every hunt. She had wished so much that he was there when she opened her eyes, but he just never was, and she hadn't been able to bring herself to change that.  
"You could have called," he blurted out quietly. He didn't quite admit that's what he'd thought about too. That sometimes in the dead of night he'd wish she was right there next to him. Having her around would have made hunting more fun since things had gotten harder lately, and having her beside him like this would've been a welcomed change from a gradually growing more distant Sam in a bed across from his in each room they stayed in.  
She lifted up his arm and rolled over to face him, but he had shifted to his back, and his arm had slipped from her hand and was across his stomach now. Manda sat up on her knees and looked down at him. "And have said what? That I want more? You know I'd never push for something you can't give me. I wouldn't do that to you."  
Dean looked at her strangely as he sat up. She wanted more and had just said it, but she wouldn't demand it from him. This woman wanted him at her side, but he knew she was right. Manda would never ask him for more than he could give or try to make him be someone he wasn't for her, and that was something he liked about her. "How do you know what I can or can't give, Manda?" His look became questionable in a funny way then with the partial tease and somewhat of his own admittance for wanting more with her too.  
"Don't ridicule me right now, Dean, because we both know what happens if either of us says we want something more stable." She just looked at him with a gloomy expression. "One of us will walk because of how much it will cost if we don't… and a situation like this one would only destroy us anyway."  
Dean didn't say anything to what was the truth. The emotional tie a relationship held seemed to be too much for either of them to get involved any deeper with each other because of what it would entail. It's why he held back and so did she, no matter how much they both seemed to want it.  
"I thought I'd be okay with this arrangement we have, but I'm not. And now with all this happening… I need you to know that just in case I don't make it out of this… I never wanted to keep holding you back at an arm's length." She bowed her head and looked down instead of at him. This admission was almost as vulnerable as it got without saying just how much she wanted and needed him.  
"You're not going to die, Manda." He knew she was hiding her fear inside, and that what she was exposing to him now was hard for her.  
"I don't want it to… but it could happen, and I'm scared it will." Her eyes stayed focused on her knees, she couldn't look at him. This was so weak and emotional of her, and yet Manda couldn't keep it in anymore.  
Dean reached out, put two fingers under her chin, and raised her head slowly. "Hey, look at me… it's not happening, so quit talking like it is." He saw how the tough girl was once again wearing thin in that moment, and all he longed to do was protect the hell out of her while she wasn't strong enough to do it herself.  
Manda closed her eyes and then opened them to meet his. "You don't know that. We don't even know the full extent of what I'm dealing with yet."  
"It doesn't matter, because I know it's not going to come to that." His voice got a little more forceful then as he tried to get her to believe in his words.  
"How can you be so sure?" she asked quietly. "Sometimes we can't stop things like this."  
"Because I'm not letting it happen, but you're also too stubborn to let it happen too." Dean pressed his lips into a soft grin, and let his fingers fall to from her face to one of her knees.  
Manda chuckled softly at the reasons he gave. "That might be true."  
"That's my girl." Dean flashed a confident grin. He'd finally said it out loud. If she'd been willing to admit she wanted more, the least he could do was get out what he thought of her as being.  
She looked at him oddly for a moment. He'd never called her his girl before, and a piece of her heart melted just at hearing him say it. "Your girl… is that so, Winchester?" She cocked a brow at him in question.  
"You definitely act like it, Chambers... and I could do worse." He gave her his best adorable smirk then.  
That was it for Manda. She leaned in, kissed him hard, and felt his hands pull her closer by the knees. She climbed over him in a straddle then, and bit his lip gently a few times in between kisses. "Not really a good time for us to admit to all of this."  
"Is there ever a good time for people like us?" Dean stared into her eyes then. There would never be a good time for hunters like them, but they took what they got when they could.  
"Not when a hunter's always one wrong job away from their time running out... so if this is mine, guess I better make the most of it." She stared back into his eyes, and saw a layer of hardness stripped away from them then.  
Dean grinned and let his hands rest on her hips with his fingers splayed out on her rear. "Pulling a line now… knew there was a reason why I liked you." He pushed her a little closer on him then, and let his lips trail down her throat.  
She let out a naughty giggle. "All part of my charm… and a little like yours." She heard the small chuckle from him as her back hit the mattress and she was under him before she realized it.  
The look he gave her was mischievous, and then Dean worked his lips down from hers urgently, going over her tank top all the way to her stomach. He felt her fingers rake his hair, and he grinned before he pushed the tank top up just a little.  
The tender moan escaped from Manda's throat as he came back up while inching the fabric slowly up her skin with one hand, and the alternating of his lips and tongue followed.  
Dean stopped just before her breasts, and went for her mouth instead while he let his hands explore her.  
Her kisses got more demanding of his at the feel of his hands. They always felt just right even if they were rough, but she loved the feel of them on her skin and the strength they held even in the lightest of touches.  
Their mixed desire was stirring, and Dean wanted to build it up more, so he kept at soft kisses to match with the gentle gliding and squeezing his hands were doing on her now.  
Manda was grabbing at his t-shirt and pulling it up. She needed to feel his skin on hers right then.  
Dean backed off and yanked his t-shirt off before he planted his hands on each side of her. He teased with false starts and snuck in a few light, open kisses where his mouth barely met hers.  
Manda leaned up on her elbows and kissed him hard as she let her fingers comb up and down his sides. But he kissed her sweetly in return and got her back down against the mattress again.  
He felt her hands slide up his arms, and how she went slowly delicate over the handprint on the one side before her hands rested at the base of his neck. She looked at him for a moment, and then moved fast and quick to roll them over. Dean grinned under her. She was fast when she needed to be, he'd give her that.  
The kiss was silky and open. Then she trailed down his chin and his throat. When she got to his chest she kissed around his tattoo with sweet, soft kisses, and then continued going down again.  
The kisses got shorter and lighter, and she used the tiniest bit of tongue in between each one. Dean let out a deep moan at how slow she was going in such a teasing way. He let her get as far as his stomach before he wrapped his hands around her arms and pulled her back up.  
"You didn't let me finish," she protested with a naughty grin.  
Dean chuckled before he crashed his mouth against hers, but Manda broke away, sat up on him, and he followed. His hands were lifting off her tank top that was pushed up too far up anyway, and then tossing it aside. Before she could put her arms down, he grabbed them by the wrists, and then ran his hands slowly down them. He didn't kiss her, but his lips were right in front of hers as he looked at in her eyes and both of them breathed hard.  
It was too much to hold back then; she dropped her arms to his shoulders and locked her mouth to his.  
He ran a hand down Manda's scars, and when he didn't feel her flinch or tremble, he kissed her more passionately at knowing she was finally comfortable with him touching them. A minute later he went to roll them over, and then flipped her to be on her stomach with one quick expert move instead.  
In the back of his mind he knew there was a possibility this could be the last time he'd ever be with her, and if that was the case, he wanted to make this count, and there was something he needed to do. Dean leaned over her without being on her.  
"You're a little too good at that," she chuckled. Then Manda turned her head to the right and raised herself a little to see him, but he leaned in lower and was just above her back. She could feel Dean's body heat more than she could feel his skin.  
"Stay down… just relax," he whispered in her ear. He waited until she was flat against the bed again with her head kept to the right to brush all of her hair up and over to the left side to leave her back exposed.  
His breath was warm as it crawled across her skin in the light blowing he used down her neck and out to her shoulder. Then Manda felt the soft touch of his lips, and knew what he was going to do. She reached behind her with one hand, and felt Dean's hand lock on her wrist quickly. She wasn't sure she could handle this as he bent her arm slightly upwards and out on the bed. But his hand went over hers, and his fingers slipped through hers to keep it there. Then he started to do what she knew he had been going for.  
The kisses were gentle and slow, the stubble on his chin rubbed in a bit of a tickle down the tender part of her skin.  
Halfway down the first scar, Dean heard the breath catch in her throat, saw the tremble run down her spine, watched the goose bumps spread out across her back, and felt her body tense up a little, so he stopped. "It's okay, babe, this isn't about pain tonight," he reassured her in a soft tone. He intertwined his fingers tighter with hers to help calm her, and then picked up where he left off.  
She knew it wasn't about pain, but it was intense and a bit unnerving for her, so Manda gripped his fingers tightly. The kisses got even softer as he came up the second scar. His breath was hotter as it edged up her skin since he was breathing heavier. She started letting go of her anxiety and tried just to feel him.  
Maybe he wasn't the cause of her scars, but Dean still felt as if his actions had been what sent her on that job in a careless way months ago, and now as if he was partially to blame for the situation she was in. For all the pain it had caused her, he just wanted to replace it with something better just once. And if the demon was connected to her right now, he hoped it felt him there with her, and that it knew he wasn't letting it take her. He reached the top of the second scar, stopped, and then put his mouth right over her ear. "Two down… two more to go," he said in a hushed tone.  
Manda shivered at how low and sexy his whisper was. This was getting more intimate than the usual foreplay, and not what she'd been expecting from him at all. She closed her eyes as she was slowly losing herself in the moment and with him. Her fingers loosened the grip she had on his, and then she felt him squeeze her fingers a little harder.  
"Stay with me, Manda, we're in this together," he said in a firmly quiet tone. He knew she was starting to lose herself in it, and that she trusted him, but he wanted her right there with him. Her tight grip said she needed him, and he wanted that.  
He waited until he felt her fingers grip his tightly again, and then began to lick his way down to the first smaller scar where he proceeded to kiss down it the way he had the other two. His grin was wide as he heard her satisfying moan when he blew a gentle breath up her back, and then let his tongue connect to the last scar. He came up it and continued all the way up to her neck with gentle kisses.  
She was breathing so hard when his lips met the corner of hers. "Done?" Manda barely whispered out the simple question. Her breath was difficult to find, and so was her mind. She knew what he was going for tonight, it was clear Dean just wanted to feel her and be with her in case he never got to again.  
"Just getting started," he whispered above her ear. It was true for him. He planned on taking his time and really making love to this girl, his girl now. Dean backed off her and let go of her hand then.  
Manda started turning over, but didn't even get halfway when he leaned in again and eased her into the rest of the way while he kissed her to get her on her back again.  
She was just raising her knees when Dean slipped a hand behind one and pulled her leg around him. He let his fingers crawl slowly up the side of her thigh to her hip as he kissed the spot on her neck he knew turned her on.  
Her moan was deep before she gently pulled his face back up to hers. There were words Manda needed to say now, ones she'd finally found the nerve to tell him, and ones that were difficult to admit to. She switched off as much of the hunter as she could in her then. It was time to be the woman she needed to be, the one she wished she could be more often with him. One hand went on the side of his head, and her thumb grazed lightly near his eye. She searched his eyes for a moment as she held his face an inch from hers. "I need you," she confessed softly.  
The words hung in the thin air between them briefly.  
Dean grinned at her for finally saying it. It was something he had wanted to hear from her for awhile now. "About time you admitted that."  
It was time for Manda to tear down the wall and let him in completely. Loving someone like this was something she'd denied herself for a long time, but Dean was different. He was a hunter just like she was, and while maybe they wouldn't last together for long, she needed to know she could do this again. And he needed to know in case she died soon just how she really felt. "I mean it… I need you, Dean… I-I…I…" She couldn't get out the words she'd thought she had been ready to say, so she gave him a look that contained the emotion she had feared for almost ten years, but he had brought back out in her now.  
Dean saw what was in Manda's eyes, how exposed and vulnerable she was right there in this moment under him. She was showing the love she had tried to deny, to ignore, and was difficult for her to feel, and he knew it was for him.  
A part of him wanted to run then, because he'd never feel he was deserving of it for the things he'd done that she didn't know about, and for how torn he'd always be inside. But there was something about her that had drawn him to her more than once, and also kept Dean from running – the way he felt about this woman that was like him in so many ways she understood not only the best parts of him, but the worst parts too, and had still fallen for him.  
"It's all right, Manda," he whispered before he kissed her lightly. "I know." He stared into her eyes hoping he reflected back a bit of the love he felt for her in return. He reached for her hands then, pinned them by her head once he had them locked with his, and then kissed her with the desire he couldn't hold back anymore now that their real feelings were out in the open.  
With their vulnerabilities exposed to each other, both of them started to get lost in the other quickly. They were together now, and in the middle of this mess, Manda was finally ready to love Dean, and he was just as ready to love her back.  
That night they were doing the one thing they'd been holding back on – they were letting themselves fall in love with each other without hiding it.


	13. Chapter 13

Dean had never intended to fall for the woman who was still asleep in his arms.  
Manda Chambers had been likable from the first time he'd met her, and the more he'd gotten to know the fellow hunter, the more he'd recognized pieces of himself within her. It had been hard then to stop it from happening, and while he'd held it back for awhile, it had happened anyway.  
There was no more fighting it now, they were together. While relationships made them both a little uncomfortable, they were completely done with trying to deny what was between them and were ready to at least try to be together for awhile. Both knew the timing was far from right considering the situation Manda was in, but it would never be right anyway.  
Last night had been a bit intense for both of them, and after finally admitting she needed him, Dean couldn't keep hiding what he felt for her. Neither of them had spoken the words, but their true emotions had been exposed. How much they both cared and their desire to be together was out in the open now.  
He'd seen the love in her normally hardened eyes last night, and maybe he didn't deserve it, but it was there for him if he wanted it. He did want it too, and he only hoped he could love her back that way or that what he could give her would be enough. She'd never press him for more than he could offer her, and while he didn't know how much he could give her in the end, he knew she'd take what she could get and offer him what she could in return.  
He had also felt the passion in the way they had made love and lost themselves together for awhile. Dean knew that he was in her heart now, and while it was a bit weird to him, it was oddly comforting and somewhat natural feeling.  
The ways Manda was like him, the comfort they found in each other, and now being closer than they had been, Dean felt he needed her almost as much as she needed him. To have a girl at his side that lived the same kind of life and understood him was maybe something he needed and had never quite known he did.  
But it almost made him want to laugh thinking about what kind of pair they made. He was caught in this battle of the apocalypse approaching thanks to Lilith breaking seals, and she was fighting all things supernatural on the scale she always had. Both of their lives were so tangled with destruction and chaos, and had never been lives they would have chosen. Manda had been born into it without a choice, and his had been made for him at a young age.  
Maybe they would always be doomed. He didn't know, but he did know that while one of them would have to walk away sooner or later, he'd be stupid to let Manda go without trying to date her for however long it would last. When she had admitted wanting more with him, it hadn't scared him to hear it from her. He'd wanted it for awhile too, and now they were in whatever would be as normal as a relationship could be for them.  
But right now Manda was in trouble, and he wished he knew why and how to stop it. If this demon wanted to kill her, it had to be ready to fight, because he was even more determined to keep her safe now.  
And the way she was lying there pressed into his side with her head on his chest and a few of her fingers resting on his tattoo, he knew she was seeking the safety he seemed to offer her. Manda needed him to protect her, and for now she felt safe in his arms. If Dean could keep her there he would, but he couldn't. All he could do was be ready to make sure she stayed safe regardless of where she was.  
He reached for his phone then wondering if he had missed a call from Sam or if his brother had come across anything yet, but found there was nothing, and sighed. The sooner they could get her out of this mess, the better.  
Manda pressed herself closer to him then and mumbled something softly, but it was nothing Dean could understand. He tightened his arm around her, and gently stroked her arm as he lay there with her.  
It was almost time to get up, grab some breakfast, then head to the morgue with Sam and shove in a few interviews. He didn't want to leave her behind today, but so far she'd been demon free since before they'd come back to the hotel last night, and he trusted she'd stick in the room if he demanded it.  
Dean figured he'd wake her up soon if she didn't get up, but just wanted a few more minutes in this spot. As soon as they were out of here, everything would be different. They'd put up their normal act in front of Sam and Church, he knew that's how it would go for now.  
After a few more minutes of just laying there, he suddenly felt the sting of intense heat from under the arm he had over a part of her scars. She wasn't too warm, but the scars were on fire at that moment.  
He lifted his arm, looked at her back to see the scars were bright red now, and then he rolled Manda on her back to look at her. Her eyes were moving rapidly under the lids as if dreaming, the expression on her face was blank, and she had gotten very pale.  
It concerned him, and Dean debated waking her then, but if the demon was giving her something at that moment, it might be useful to them later. The mumbling started and he wondered what was going on in her mind, and just what in the world this goddamn thing actually wanted with her.

[ - ]

The dream started out without warning. Manda heard the voice calling her name in the darkness and had been trying to avoid chasing it, but she had run towards it without thinking. In the middle of the darkness she came face to face with a stranger she'd never seen before.  
"Manda… so nice of you to come running at my call, but what choice do you have at this point?" The stranger raised his hand and wiggled his fingers mockingly in the darkness.  
His voice was taunting her out loud, but it was also echoing in her head at the same time. She went to draw back an arm to punch but found she was frozen in the spot.  
The stranger's eyes went blacker than night at that moment as it stepped closer towards her, and he smiled devilishly. "You hunters, always so cute thinking you can fight us when you can't."  
"We're all damn adorable, fighting you or not." She smirked at the bastard in front of her with her own devilish grin.  
He ran a finger down her nose. "Little Manda Chambers, always one for getting sassy at a time like this. Something you've got in common with that Winchester you're screwing on and off. Is that the attraction? Like a bit of lip from your men?"  
Manda felt her insides tense up. She knew that as real as this felt it was only a dream, and that she had to keep her cool. It had been drilled into her at an early age that you had to try your hardest to never let them see you sweat, and to taunt them back when you could. "He's just got a great ass, plus he busts the hell out of the balls on evil assholes like you. Guess he's just a man after my own heart."  
The demon laughed. "He busted balls all right. Has Dean ever told you how he spent some of his time in Hell?"  
She glared hard into the black eyes before her. "Doesn't matter, he's out and back to cleaning up demonic sons of bitches like you that crawled out of the pit." Her grin was sweetly twisted. "Not the greatest job we have, but someone's got to do it."  
"You do love being the hunter. I noticed that when I had my run of you. Guess that's what Dean likes about you, besides that spiteful little tongue. Or maybe he just senses a ruthless side in you that almost matches his own."  
Manda didn't know what this demon was getting at. "If you want to call all that teasing he does with me ruthless… bring it on, because I've always enjoyed it."  
"As you wish… let's see how you fair out against the infamous Dean Winchester." The demon laughed wickedly, and just stared at her before laying his hand on her head.  
Suddenly she was somewhere else and watching Dean, but it wasn't the man she knew. This one was completely heartless, and what he was doing broke her heart and turned her stomach at the same time.  
"Look at his face, Manda. Look at how much he enjoys it. That's the real man you love." The demon's tone was collected but slightly evil.  
She couldn't turn her head away. Her eyes were locked on his face, but this wasn't the man she had fallen for. This had to be the Dean that had been in Hell, she knew that as she watched him inflict torture right then. And it hurt to see him be this way, it was so far from the Dean she'd been with last night. The things that must have done to him to get him there, it broke her heart trying to imagine it. Manda knew why he wouldn't talk about it, and at that moment she felt the gut wrenching pain for what he'd been through as the scene faded before her.  
"Oh god, Dean… what did they do to you?" she whispered painfully, feeling the wetness in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, baby," the faint statement left her lips with such sorrow.  
The demon's shrill laughter came from beside her. "No god there… or in our next scene as you'll see."  
Then she was somewhere that looked strangely familiar, and Manda was watching herself with a man. She knew then this was one of the two the demon had made her murder. Her stomach dropped at the sight of how fast, efficiently, and without hesitation she took this man down with a few simple moves, and then as she slid the shiny blade across his neck.  
She stared at the vision of herself and saw that her eyes were not her own in that moment. They were completely void of anything but a cold hunger for destruction, and a smile formed on her lips as the body slumped down in front of her.  
"You bastard," she sneered. "I'll kill you, you sick and twisted bastard. I won't send you back, I'll kill you," she spit out the words as she turned her head to look at the demon.  
"Did you see how much you liked that? The smile on your face said it all. And you won't kill me if I kill you first, Manda… or maybe we'll let Dean have the honours of finishing you off."  
The demon touched her again and they were somewhere else. A new vision played out, and if she wasn't stuck where she was, she would have fallen to her knees or run into it to try to stop it even if it was pointless since it wasn't actually happening.  
She watched herself fighting against Dean, and he was winning in that moment. Then he did something that just tore her apart, he thrust his knife right into her and watched her body fall. "No!" she screamed, unable to do anything else. The vision vanished as she closed her eyes and opened them again to see only the demon in front of her.  
"You're almost ready for me… I'll be seeing you real soon, Manda. Sweet dreams… and say hello to Dean for me, if you can still bear to look at him."  
The demon disappeared, and then she heard her name being called from faraway.

[ - ]

Dean was leaning over Manda trying to wake her. Hearing his name, her screaming – he hated to think of what had happened in her mind. "Manda, it's just messing with you again. Wake up, babe."  
Her eyes shot open despite the pain in her head. She looked up completely mortified, and then just flung herself around Dean.  
"It's okay," he whispered, and held on to her. "You're okay." She looked utterly distraught, and he had no idea what had gone on this time.  
Manda wrapped herself tighter around him. "It's coming for me," she said anxiously.  
"What do you mean it's coming for you? What did it to you this time?" he asked quickly.  
How could she explain this? Were the things she'd just seen real or had the demon just created them to frighten her? She pulled back and just looked at him.  
Dean leaned back against the bed's headboard and took her with him. She should have been safe with him, but apparently she wasn't. The demon had gotten to her anyway, and it annoyed him to no end.  
"It was…" she mumbled, and looked up at him. She wanted so badly to tell him she was sorry for whatever had happened to him, the things he'd had to do, but if she told him she'd seen him that way, she knew what would happen. Dean would pull away no matter what had changed between them last night. "The things it made me watch…" Manda trailed off hastily. "It made me watch myself killing someone while it was in me… I was so cold, evil and enjoying it."  
He held her tighter. The anger rose in him, and he felt the tension within her at that moment. All he could was hold on to her right then because he knew exactly what it was like to know you'd been that way. "You're not that way, Manda, it wasn't you," he reassured her.  
"It made me watch you kill me." Her voice broke, and she just clung to him. "I watched you beat the crap out of me and then just stab me like I was something we hunt." She choked back on the tears then, because having to watch that scene had been unimaginable to her then, never mind having to think about now.  
Dean stared down at her. She was helpless in that moment, and he was just flat out enraged. "I'm gonna kill this son of a bitch," he growled out in anger. Then he took a deep breath. "What it showed you will never happen, okay?" He spoke firmly, but tried to be soft even if he was beyond pissed for the games this demon was playing with her mind. It had to want her away from him, but he didn't know why exactly. He raised one hand, and brushed her face gently with the back of his fingers, trying not only to calm her, but also himself.  
Manda looked at him and nodded. "Dean…" she whispered. She didn't want to get the next bit out, but she had to.  
He looked down at her staring up from his shoulder and saw the pain in her eyes as she stared back at him. She was holding something back, he could tell. "What else is there?"  
"I saw you… oh, baby, please don't do what I think you will when I tell you." Her tone was pleading, and the tears brimmed in her eyes.  
"What? What else did you see?" Dean was confused as he saw the worry on her face and her tears forming.  
"I don't know if it was even real… and I know you can't talk about it… but I think I saw you… oh god, Dean." Manda reached up, stroking his face lightly with her fingers. "No matter what they made you do when you were in Hell, you're not that man to me." She gazed into his eyes, and hoped he understood that it didn't matter to her. He wasn't that man, she knew that, and she just hoped he did too.  
Dean looked at her shocked, and then his face turned stone cold. It made sense now. Why he'd heard her say what she had in her sleep about him with such pain in her voice. She had been watching him do something and had probably been sickened by his actions. Even with how much Manda seemed to understand him, she'd probably never be able to look at him the same now, and he knew it. He could barely live with that guilt and shame, and now she seemed to know a piece of it.  
He titled his head away from her and brushed her hand away from him. "Why?" he grunted out. "Why would it… no… you can't…" The ashamed feeling kicked in, he pulled away from her completely and sat up.  
A few tears rolled down Manda's face then. She had known he'd do this, but she couldn't let him. "Dean, please… look at me," she pleaded in a broken voice, and put a hand on his arm.  
His nostrils flared with anger and he completely tensed up. This demon was just going to get it now. He had wanted to kill it before for what it was doing to her, but even more so now for making her see all of that, including him in a way he had never wanted her to know. But now he was thinking maybe she'd been right last night about how something like this would destroy them. He didn't know how they'd manage to stick this out now if she'd seen something that had actually happened.  
Manda pulled the sheet tighter around her, sat up beside him, and placed a hand on his cheek. "It broke my heart seeing it. Whether that's how it was or not, I don't know, but I can't even imagine what it's like for you." She had never been able to anyway, but after seeing the vision the demon had given her, she just had no idea how he dealt with it if that's what had happened to him at some point.  
Dean flinched under her gentle touch, and at the compassion she had for him right then. "Don't," he muttered quietly. He just didn't know how to handle this.  
"It doesn't change anything for me… please know that who I saw in that vision isn't who I see here. You're not that man, believe me." She removed her hand from his face, then leaned in and kissed him softly on the side of the head. "Please don't pull away from me, Dean… you know how I feel about you," she whispered in his ear.  
He sat there for a minute wondering why Manda was so understanding, but he knew she'd done things she wasn't proud of and would never forgive herself for either. Her guilt and shame weren't the same, but were almost equal to his in ways. He turned his head to look at her and then he saw it in her eyes. The truth was there, nothing had changed for her. The love she had for him was still present in her eyes, he could see it. "I can't talk about it with you."  
"You know I'd never ask you to, but if you ever need to, I'm here." She reached for his hand and grabbed it tight. "And I still want this… you and me." She lifted their hands to show him she meant it.  
Dean did the only thing he knew how to at that moment, even if he knew it was wrong and he hated to do it. As much as he wanted to stay there, he knew that she'd love him more than he could ever love her right then, and just didn't think he could do this. He didn't deserve that kind of love, and they'd only been kidding themselves in thinking they could try this. He pulled his hand from hers. "Maybe it's better if we don't, Manda." Then he quickly threw on some clothes and headed for the bathroom.  
"Don't do this to us after last night… or to me… I love you," she blurted out. Manda just couldn't keep in the words she hadn't gotten out last night as she watched him walking away from her now.  
The words hit him. She had said them without choking on them, and Dean hated that they had to come out in a moment like this. He closed the door behind him not believing she had told him she loved him or that he had walked away from her. Her love for him was already strong, he knew it. She had just put him before herself when she was terrified from a demon's dream or visions or whatver it was. He knew that sometimes he just fell short on things, and this was one of them.  
Manda sat there sadly staring at where he'd been. She'd had the night she'd asked to have with him, and evidently that was all she would ever have. She sank back on the bed and wished to god this demon would just come for her already, because if she lost Dean now, her will to fight against it would go with him.  
A few minutes later Dean came back, lied down next to her on his side and threw his arm over her. He knew it had been wrong to pull away like that, and to leave her there alone. It was clear that's what the demon wanted, to get her away from him for some reason like probably being able to kill her a little more easily than if he was around. But this relationship stuff wasn't something he knew how to deal with either. She still needed and wanted him though, and he couldn't walk away after everything, including those three words she'd had the courage to say. "Okay, so maybe I'm just an ass sometimes," he admitted.  
She rolled on her side to face him, and looked at him. "It's all right. I'm not much better sometimes, you know."  
Dean kissed her forehead. She was right, she wasn't much better at times, but he had managed to deal with it just like she did. He liked how she could just accept that though, and still just take him for how he was. "So, Chambers, you love me, huh?" he teased, and cocked a brow at her.  
A tiny guilty grin formed on Manda's face. "Yeah, well… you knew that already, Winchester."  
"Maybe." He smirked, but just couldn't find a way to tell her he loved her back. He was sure she knew anyway.  
"This is going to be weird right… us?" She looked at him questioningly. It would be weird, but she had to believe it would work somehow. He had come back after pulling away briefly, and she knew what it meant. He did love her back, and it was okay if he couldn't say it. She could tell he did, and that would be enough for her whether he ever said the words or not.  
He gave her the 'true' look after thinking about it for a second. "But weird is our business…" Dean pulled her closer to him by the arm he had over her still.  
"That it is," she chuckled. Then Manda put her hands on his face and kissed him.  
Dean rolled them over, and just looked down at her for a minute before he kissed her deeply. They had a little more making up to do just now, and he couldn't let this tear them apart before they even actually tried to be together. He would pull the demon apart soon enough, because whatever it took, this bastard was going to get what it deserved once it came around. He despised how badly it was messing with her, but also how it was now trying to mess with them.


	14. Chapter 14

Discussing things over breakfast, hadn't panned out much. Sam hadn't come across anything in Manda's mother's journal, but there was a large section where pages had been ripped out, and he hadn't gotten through the rest of it after falling asleep while reading.  
Manda had shared the details of the dream with Church and Sam, but had left out the part about having seen Dean in hell. It wasn't something they needed to know, and it wouldn't be something he wanted them to know either, so she kept it to herself.  
The plan for the rest of the morning and some of the afternoon was made then.  
Church would head off to talk to some of the man's family and friends to help them cover more ground. Sam and Dean were going to hit the morgue, and then head over to his house to do a little investigating of their own.  
All three of them decided it was best if Manda just stayed at the hotel for now. There was a little argument from her about wanting to go along, but in the end it was settled. It wasn't good if anyone happened to recognize her, and it wouldn't be any better should she pass out or if something else weird happened to her that might raise too many questions.  
She would stick to the hotel, read her father's journal this time and go through the rest of her mother's trying to work that angle in case there was something in either one.  
Everyone headed back to the hotel to get changed into their FBI and detective get-ups except for Manda who was getting left behind after a good double check of her room by Dean to make sure it was still protected.  
When he was done, Dean sat beside her on the bed. "Stay in the room, Manda, and call the moment anything happens, or after it if you pass out again." His tone said he meant it and so did his look.  
"I'd rather tag along, but okay. And yeah, I'll call if the demon invades my mind again," Manda agreed without resistance.  
"With how this hits, you know it's better if you hang tight in here for awhile." He wanted to take her along since he'd feel better being able to keep an eye on her, but this really was the safest place for her right now.  
"I get it," she replied. Then she leaned in and kissed him briefly. "You're free to go now."  
"Stick to the room, watch some porn, I'll be back soon." He smirked as he gave her a shorter speech than he usually gave Sam.  
"Porn? Trying to tell me I need some tips, Winchester, because I haven't exactly heard you complain." She raised a brow and smirked back.  
Dean chuckled. "That's just the confined to the room rules for Sammy, figured I'd try them on you. But as for complaints…" he paused, and puckered his lips in thought just to tease her. "Well… I've got none sex-wise for you, Chambers." His smile was naughty, and then gave her a soft open kiss.  
"Mm-hmm, that's what I thought. And nice try, but I'm not Sam," Manda laughed lightly.  
There was a knock at the door then.  
"And that'll be him, but remember…" Dean started.  
"Don't leave the room, watch some porn if I'm bored, and you'll be back when you're back. Oh, and call if something weird happens," Manda repeated his orders by cutting him off.  
"Already taking it better than Sammy does." He grinned, got up and headed for the door.  
She got up and followed him. Sam was supposed to bring back her mom's journal so she could have a better look through it.  
"Are you finally ready to go?" Sam muttered a little annoyed when the door opened and his brother stepped out.  
Dean nodded, and ignored the annoyed tone Sam greeted him with.  
Then Sam handed the journal to Manda. "I marked off where I got to in case you wanted to start from there."  
"Thanks, Sam," Manda smiled softly at the younger Winchester. She clutched the journal in her hand, and the uneasy feeling began to take over about going through it and her father's while she was alone now.  
Dean saw her shoulders tense a little, and knew it was because she was going to start reading the journals whether she wanted to or not. "Stay in the room, and call if there's anything," he said firmly as he looked at her seriously.  
"I already said I would. So, I'll be here when you get back, but I'm still not watching any porn." She loved that he was just looking out for her like he would with Sam. It was just showed her again how he felt even if he wouldn't flat out say it.  
"Dude… you did tell her," Sam scoffed. He knew better than to put it past Dean with her, but he just didn't believe it still. If Dean was treating her like he would him, Sam knew what it meant.  
Dean smirked, and turned to walk to the car. "See Sammy, same orders you get, and I told you she listens."  
Sam chuckled as he followed. He'd noticed a slight difference in both of them since breakfast and now he was sure he knew what it was about.  
"Looking good, boys," Manda called out as they walked away. "See your fine Winchester asses later." Then she closed the door.  
Sam laughed and shook his head, and Dean's grin got cocky when they heard her as they got into the Impala.  
"You and her… you're not… are you?" Sam couldn't finish the thought out loud. He figured that Dean and Manda together would probably be a good thing once she was out of this mess she was in.  
Dean shifted uncomfortably in the seat as he started up the car, and then flashed his brother a 'shut up' look.  
"You are… you're dating her." Sam looked at him with a funny grin. He'd been waiting for it for awhile.  
Dean knew his brother had figured it out. Sam knew him well enough to pick up on things, and Dean knew that while he and Manda had tried to play it normally, the change was bound to be there in their behaviour at times. "We're not talking about it, Sam," he grunted.  
"Wow…" Sam scoffed. "It's about time, Dean. I like her… even if she's disturbingly like you at times. But at least she knows how to handle you."  
The grin was too hard to hold back. "She definitely does," Dean said with a satisfied tone and a matching smirk.  
"Yeah… we're not talking about that," Sam groaned, and rolled his eyes as they headed for the morgue.

[ - ]

Manda had opened her father's journal after Sam and Dean had left. She was apprehensive at first, but had to find out if the answers existed within the pages of it or if she would still be out of luck when she was through.  
She scanned through the pages for details. She had gotten familiarized with her father's system over the years along with his scratchy scrawl he'd written it in.  
Sometime later she came across what she had feared she might. She sat there staring at the words and reading the few pages over and over. The tears ran down her face and then she got up to pace the room anxiously.  
The words were clear, and Manda didn't know what to do or what to think for awhile. And then the only thing she could do was reach for the phone and call Dean. A part of her wanted to keep him away from this, but she just couldn't do it, she needed him. He would help her somehow, that was a belief she had to cling right now.  
Manda only managed to hit call on her phone when the heat starting coursing through her.  
 _Oh god, not now._ The thought ran through her head as she barely heard the phone ringing on the other end before nothing else registered in her head but a voice that definitely didn't belong to who she'd been calling.

[ - ]

Once at the morgue, Sam and Dean had discovered the remains they were there to see had already been transferred to a funeral home, but they did get to go over the autopsy report instead.  
The kill had been quick and clean, there had been no struggle on the deceased's behalf, but in the end there was nothing else unusual to be found. It wasn't making sense as to why the demon had chosen him. But then sometimes it never made sense, and they knew that.  
Dean was irritated with what little was turning up, and Sam was just trying to put the pieces they did know together as they headed for the man's house to see if that would turn up anything useful.  
When they arrived, both brothers were thankful the man had lived alone. Crime scene tape had never kept them out before, so they broke in quietly making sure no one noticed.  
They headed for where he'd been found, and looked around. Besides what was the mess of normal cop tampering, and the blood stains, there was nothing else to indicate a crime had gone on here.  
They split up to look through things and to see what they could find.  
A little while later, Dean's phone went off with Manda's ringtone as he poked around a room. "Manda, you okay?" he answered without saying hello.  
The only thing that greeted him in return was light breathing, and then he heard a faint voice a few seconds later.  
"De-Dean…" Manda barely managed to get out his name and that was all.  
"Manda?" Dean called her as he heard the silence from her end.  
Sam came back and looked at him. "What's going on?"  
Dean shook his head at Sam and then called Manda's name into the phone a little louder this time. He heard the faint whimper, then a soft thud and knew she'd passed out. "Goddamn it," he grunted as he started heading for the door. "I'm on my way, Manda." he basically shouted into the phone.  
"Dean?" Sam called him as he followed. "What's happening?"  
"Frigging thing is in her head again." He looked grim as they got into the Impala. Dean called her again as they drove away. "Son of a bitch," he muttered through gritted teeth. He was worried about what it was doing to her now, but was glad she had called him.  
"Just drive, Dean. Give me the phone." Sam could see the worry and tension taking over in his brother at that moment.  
"Keep listening and calling out to her," Dean commanded roughly as he tossed his phone to Sam. He stepped hard on the gas since they were on the other side of the town.  
Sam took the phone, called her a few times and listened. He looked over at Dean a few minutes later when he heard a sound. "Manda, it's Sam, we're almost there." He spoke loudly into the phone even if he was sure she couldn't hear him.  
"Did she come to?" Dean asked quickly.  
"I don't think so, but she cried out in pain and it didn't sound good." Sam could tell something was different this time just by the injured cry.  
Dean's jaw clenched and his foot pushed harder on the gas pedal to complete the ride to the hotel in no time.

[ - ]

The heat sensation was worse this time, and Manda had only managed to get out Dean's name as the voice took over in her head.  
 _Looks like one of your worst fears just hit, Manda. Your daddy would be so pleased at knowing I eventually came back for his little girl after he sent me back to hell for awhile. What a fighter he was too… trying to keep you alive, screaming out the Latin while he was choking on his own blood. You never were as tough as the old man though, lying there like a rag doll after I had barely started on you. If it's any consolation, you weren't as weak as your mother was. You still had a pulse at least when you hit the ground that day._  
She could only listen to the voice in her head. The pain in her head was starting to settle in, and the words were opening up old wounds. Manda's legs gave out from under her and a small cry escaped her as the heat increased a little more through her body.  
 _What a disappointment to the family. Daddy would be rolling over in his grave if he wasn't a pile of ashes to see you end up this way. But you always were a failure to him, weren't you? Think your parents still would have sacrificed themselves for you knowing this is how it would turn out? Running after me again without knowing what you were getting into. Charging into the job without thinking, trying to destroy yourself over the heartache you caused yourself again. Always been an emotional mess there, haven't you?_  
Manda loathed the taunting, and that she couldn't answer it back. This conversation was a one-way one, and she was only still holding on because the demon wouldn't get out of her mind yet. She lay there wishing it would end. The words were cutting deep, the heat was scorching, and the pain was getting unbearable.  
 _Well, this little chat's been fun… get ready for your upcoming family reunion. Your parents were a two for one deal, but you'll be the icing on the cake. The last of the Chambers line… quite a prize for how hated your family is. Getting rid of you is almost as sweet as taking out those Winchesters you're fond of. By the way, you were hard to find for awhile, but give Dean my gratitude for sending you straight to me when he hurt you months ago. Oh, and for letting me out of hell when he and Sam had their part in opening that gate. That's right, Manda, you have that man of yours to thank for my return. It's a shame I didn't stick around though, or I would have gotten to see this for myself instead of with a friend's help._  
Manda felt a hard slash down her back, but she had no strength left to scream and only whimpered at the added pain. Then the laughter roared in her head, and a different scene of Dean in hell played out as a vision before everything went black and silent for her.

[ - ]

The Impala screeched to a stop in front of her room. Dean threw the car into park, grabbed the keys and was getting out of the car as Sam hung up the phone and followed.  
Dean shoved the room key in the lock fast, and was glad she had only locked the one as he stormed in with Sam right behind him.  
Both of them saw her right away.  
Manda lay there on the floor on her side a few feet from the end of the bed. The back of her shirt was soaked with blood, and the phone lay near her outstretched hand.  
Dean didn't even want to think about what had happened to her this time. He just wanted to get her up first, make sure she was okay or as okay as she could be, then worry about it and what he was going to do to this demon after.  
He was in front of her on his knees quickly. When he touched her, he found she was about as hot as her scars had been that morning. "Get up, Manda, come on… get up," Dean was smacking her face and then checking her eyes. He wasn't even sure how long she'd been out at this point, whether it was ten minutes or twenty or more, but it wasn't good however long it was.  
"Dean…" Sam called his brother loudly. "Her back... check if she's still bleeding."  
Dean sat her up, pulled off her shirt, and leaned her against him. Her scars were open and were bleeding still. He pressed the shirt against as much of them as he could. "Towels, now," he shouted at Sam.  
Sam was already making his way there. He got towels, and found that in the two seconds it had taken him, Dean had put her on her left side on top of the bed where it would be easier for both of them to attend to her. He took over pressing the towels down the right side of her back as Dean let him, and felt how unnaturally warm she was right then.  
"Chambers, get your ass back here now," Dean demanded harshly. He smacked her a few more times. Then he pushed Sam's hands off her and pressed the towels himself. "Her bags, Sammy… one of them is med supplies, get it," Dean tossed out the command loud and rough.  
"Okay," Sam nodded. His brother was in that mode, and worried to top it off. He got up and went searching through Manda's stuff. He felt his own worry kicking in then because it was taking too long to get her up, and he knew that wasn't good.  
Dean smacked her harder this time. He didn't want to smack her too hard, but he just wanted her to snap out of this. He knew the longer it took, the worse it could be. "Come on, stop being stubborn and get up."  
Sam found the bag and saw it was full of stuff. "What am I looking for?"  
"Smelling salts, find them." Dean didn't want to have to cart her off to the hospital and make up some story that would be an obvious lie. He checked her pulse and found it was fairly strong, which was a good sign at least.  
Sam found the salts quickly. He tossed them to Dean, and took over at applying the pressure against her back again. She was cooling off finally, and Sam knew that was a good sign at least.  
Dean waved the smelling salts back and forth under Manda's nose. It took a few times before he finally saw her eyes moving under the lids and her hand shot up to push the smell away. "There's my girl," he chuckled as she managed to smack his hand.  
Sam looked at Dean in disbelief for a moment. Even though he knew they were dating now, it was weird to see and hear how his brother had just openly called her his girl.  
Manda's eyes were so heavy, her head hurt too much and so did her back. All the pain was registering before she was even able to open her eyes.  
Her eyes were open, and Dean looked down into them. "Manda?" he called her as he saw the blank expression in them. She was back, but she wasn't quite back yet.  
Sam leaned over and looked at her. "Give her a few minutes, but if she doesn't snap out of it we'll have to get her looked at."  
She could hear voices, but nothing was in focus just yet. All Manda could concentrate on was what the demon had said and all the pain it had left behind.  
Dean continued to watch her. He even got soft with her for a second in front of Sam as he brushed the backs of his fingers over her cheek a few times to offer her a little comfort. "How's her back doing?"  
Sam pulled back the towels and got a better look at her scars. He hadn't known they were so long or that two shorter ones existed next to the two he had only seen the little of the other day. They looked like claw marks to him, and he knew they had probably hurt like hell when she'd gotten them. "Slowing down, but still bleeding." He pressed the towels against her back again and applied a little more pressure this time.  
Dean nodded. "Good. I'll stitch her up when she's ready for it."  
"It might be better to take her in for it. That's going to take awhile," Sam said as he looked at his brother.  
"If she wants to go, then I'll take her, if not, I'll do it," Dean gave Sam a stern look. It would be her choice, and he wasn't going to force her to go if she didn't want to.  
Manda blinked a few times as everything start to come into focus finally.  
"She's back…" Dean smirked, glad that she was becoming alert now.  
"Dean," she said weakly. Manda looked up at him strangely, and then she tried to get up.  
Sam saw Dean instantly hold her down before he could react himself. "Just stay there for a minute or two, Manda," Sam said softly.  
"Okay" Manda murmured. She wouldn't fight to get up, she had barely been able to before Dean had stuck a hand on her arm and another on her leg to keep her down. She felt completely drained as it was anyway.  
"You okay?" Dean asked. His hand left her leg, but he kept the other hand on her arm and loosened the grip he had on it.  
"No," she answered. She wasn't okay, her head was killing her, and her back was sore. Then there was what she knew from the journal and what the demon had said that had her even further from being okay. "Why's my back wet?"  
Sam glanced at Dean. Telling her the scars had turned into open wounds had to come from him.  
Dean eye's widened at Sam, and then looked back down at her. "Uh… don't freak out, okay? But your scars opened up. Got any idea how that happened?"  
"It felt like they were slashed, like when I got them," Manda answered him quietly as she remembered feeling that pain. She wanted to freak out now, but just couldn't do it.  
Sam and Dean looked at each other. No demon could get in the room, so this had been done through the link it had with her. Things were escalating now and they both knew it.  
Sam looked at her back again and saw the bleeding had stopped. "They've stopped bleeding, Manda, but just stay still for awhile so they don't start up again. Do you want to keep the towel over them for now?"  
"No, but thanks, Sam," she responded and closed her eyes. Manda didn't even want to think about how defenseless she appeared right now to either brother as she lay there while they looked after her. She felt the wet fabric leave her back and the air hit the open wounds.  
Dean saw how hard she trying to keep it together right then. Being this fragile in front of him was hard enough for her, but he knew how bothered she would be by letting Sam see her this way too, but she was hanging in there for now.  
"Do you want to go to the hospital, get checked out? You were out for awhile and we had trouble getting you up this time." Sam asked. He wanted to make sure she was okay first before they got her to explain the rest of what had happened. "And you're going to need stitches."  
"No hospital," Manda said quickly, and opened her eyes again. This town's hospital was a bad reminder for her, and she didn't want to go there at all. She couldn't handle that on top of everything else right now. "I'll manage, and one of you can do the stitches. It's not exactly like whatever story any of us comes up with will be believable anyway. And my scars weren't pretty to begin with, so whoever wants those honours can have them."  
"You're sure?" Dean asked. He had figured that's how she wanted it, but he was beginning to wonder if Sam was right about getting her looked at. He'd let her be the judge of how she felt though, because she knew when she could or couldn't handle something like this since she had probably patched herself up when she could instead of going to the hospital about as many times as he had himself over the years.  
She nodded. "I'm sure," she tried to sound confident and hoped it was believable.  
"I'll do it. But I'll give you a while to sit here, let you get cleaned up, and then start on your back. That okay?" Dean gave her a gentle grin. He knew she needed a little time before the stitches, and that she probably would want a long shower first.  
"Yeah," she half-smiled weakly in return, thankful he wouldn't force her to go. It crushed her to see how different he was now from the newest vision the demon had made her see of him though.  
Sam watched the softness between the two of them in this moment. "I think you'll be okay to sit up now."  
Manda went to sit up and had a little trouble as the dizziness kicked in at the movement from the pain that was still in her head. "Okay, maybe I'll just stay here for awhile longer." She gave up trying to get up.  
"Sure you're okay?" Dean was ready to help her up, but she had just lied back down quickly.  
"Just dizzy from the pain in my head, this rat bastard really did a number on me this time." She closed her eyes again, not wanting him to see she was beginning to crumble from feeling so weak.  
"I don't want to rush you, so take your time here, but are you okay to start telling us what happened this time? What it said or if there were more visions?" Sam's tone was soft and concerning, the last thing he wanted to do was be insensitive in this moment, but they needed to know what had happened.  
Manda lay there wondering what to say or where to start. It took her a few minutes and then finally she spoke. "The journal first… read where it's opened at and a few more pages after." She kept her eyes closed tight to keep the tears from spilling out.  
Dean looked at Sam silently telling him to do it, and then Sam went to the table where it lay open.  
"It's the same one, isn't it?" Dean asked with a mixture of emotions that filled his voice. He knew what it meant if it was. Her need to destroy it would increase, and she'd end up destroying herself instead.  
"I'm as good as dead, Dean." Her voice broke, and she turned more to bury her face into the bed so he wasn't able to see what was getting harder to keep down. Then she felt his familiar hand on her arm and how his thumb kept stroking back and forth gently. The tears started to rise, her throat was getting tight, and she pressed herself further into the bed. She had no strength to be tough left and hated how helpless she was in this moment.  
Dean didn't know what else to do for her. He wanted to hold her or something, but she obviously wasn't letting that happen right now. He couldn't press her for details either, but would wait to read what was in the journal, and then he'd have to get her to talk. "Not if I can help it. We're going to get you out of this." He leaned down and kissed the spot behind her ear. "I'm going to kill this son of a bitch for you. Trust me, Manda, it's not getting you with me here," he whispered in her ear before he sat back up.  
The silent tears began to flood from Manda then, and she kept the sobbing she wanted to do inside. Dean just didn't know what she knew yet, and while she knew his heart was in the right place, it hurt to hear the words from him.  
Sam had picked up the journal and read through the pages. Then he reread them again before he came back with a grim look on his face and the journal in his hands. He handed it to Dean, and was already thinking of how to try to get her out of this.  
Dean read what her father had written. The muscles in his body and face tightened when he was done. "It's not happening." His voice was hard and clear. "That's not how it's going to go."  
Manda rolled over and sat up. She didn't care that she was still crying at this point. "You want to kill it – fine, but as you just read, you're bound to kill me too, and that's only if that son of a bitch doesn't beat you to it." She had spit out the words through her tears, stared at Dean for a moment, then got up and went to lock herself in the bathroom.  
Neither brother made a move to stop her then, but both watched her rush away on weakened legs, stumbling along her determined way to get the space she needed.  
The truth in her words still lingered in the air once the door closed behind her, and then Dean's eyes met Sam's for a moment before he stared at the door Manda was probably now falling apart behind.  
He hated to think his girl really was as good as dead unless they could come up with some way to end this without killing her in the process or letting the demon kill her first. Either outcome just wasn't an option he wanted anymore than she did, and Dean knew he had to find a way to make sure neither one happened.


	15. Chapter 15

Manda was hiding in the bathroom just for the space. She couldn't be around Dean right now, because if she was she'd do what this demon seemed to want her to do – send him away. And if she wanted to have a small hope in hell of surviving, she needed him there.  
Holding on to the rings around her neck, a voice she missed hearing rattled off in her head then with the tough love lesson when she'd been learning how to properly fight at the tender age of six and had gotten hurt.  
_Stop it. You want to cry, then do it when your butt isn't on the line, because those tears don't get you anywhere, honey. You cry and deal with the pain once you're safe and sound, that's how you survive. Get up now, Manda, and do it again._  
She managed to stop crying then, knowing her dad had always been right about that. It was a hell of a lesson to learn that young, but there was only one way to handle this, and Manda knew it was to push through and try to fight.  
It was time to push out the weak girl this was turning her into. There was no time to be shattered right now, especially not in this town where it had already happened once before.  
Staying weak would only get her killed quicker now, but if she went down fighting then at least it would be on her terms.  
Dying was part of the hunter life, and sooner or later it happened. A mistake was made or you just got in over your head and wound up dead. She knew it, and so did the two hunters on the other side of the door.  
She knew she had to be strong even though she barely had the strength to move right now. All she needed was a few minutes to get back her will to fight, accept that her time was just about up, and to start pulling herself together in order to be ready to do whatever needed to be done.  
But Manda was preparing herself for the end as she sat there on the edge of the hotel's bathtub, because that looked to be what was approaching now. It wasn't an outcome she favoured, but if that was the only one there was, well, there wasn't much she could do but be ready for it.  
Dean was reading through the pages again. The words her father had written began to sink a little more in as he finished reading it again for the second time and started on a third.  
The first encounter with this demon had been through another hunter who had needed the Chambers' help. He'd gotten slashed during a hunt that was described in an eerily similar way to the one Manda had been on when she'd gotten her marks. About a year later his scars from that hunt had started acting up out of nowhere, then he'd been possessed for a few days, and shortly after that, the voice in his head had started.  
He'd called her parents for help then, figuring he needed to break the tie that bonded him and the demon together, and that it was the scars that connected them. He wasn't sure how it worked since his details on getting the scars was vague for how badly he'd been hurt. But after the voice had started in his head, his theory had been that the demon wanted to kill him eventually, because of what it had been saying, but it had never gotten around to being proven.  
Manda's parents had been with him when the demon had shown up in another body and they had managed to exorcise it, but everything went wrong. The demon had resisted the exorcism at first, they had fought hard to send it back and ended up fairly injured, but the hunter it was linked to was dead when it was all over. The details were there, but the reasons where unclear as to how he'd actually died. Her father had gone on the basis of figuring the link had been severed, and in doing so, it had been too much for the hunter's body to take and it had killed him.  
Then there were the notes on the next time they'd come across it after finding it had escaped from hell somehow.  
It was a similar story again, but this time it wasn't a hunter, just a regular Joe who'd been referred to them after finding himself in this situation after what he described as being randomly attacked one night. Then he had a couple of missing days a few months later and the voice had started in his head.  
When they met with him, they'd tried numerous things to sever the link, but nothing had worked and the demon had shown up in an ambush. Her parents had been better prepared that time around, but the man had died during the attempt at sending the demon back to hell just like the hunter had. It was clear the demon had been attacking the man's mind through the link, and it had killed him somehow using that bond before fleeing from the body it was possessing at the time.  
The next few pages had been ripped out, and the one that followed ended with words that were clear and summed up what was known.  
_Excruciating pain as demon seems to sever link before fleeing or being exorcised – none survive. Demon resists exorcism and still kills victim.  
Scars are link – demon blood, demonic infection or ? Sever link without killing victim – ? Kill demon – ? Demon's endgame – ?_  
The notes were made two years before her parents had died saving her from it, which meant they'd been after it for awhile.  
Dean wondered what had happened to the missing pages, but it seemed that just like his dad had done, her parents had kept things hidden and hadn't always told her about what jobs they'd been working at times.  
But there were differences between what was written and what was going on, and Dean had spotted them right away.  
Manda had four scars instead of only two like both men had had. There was nothing about their scars opening up like hers had now, and the demon was attacking her quicker than it had with them. Dean knew that meant it had either learned new tricks over the years, wanted more with her than they knew, or that the connection it had with her was stronger.  
This couldn't be all they had though, and as much as Dean wanted to go through the rest of the journal to see if there was more, the reality of this was settling in and he closed it for now to start thinking of a plan.  
Sam watched Dean put the journal aside, and decided to break the silence finally. "She's right, Dean. That's likely to kill her from what's written in there."  
"They only knew how to send demons back to hell, Sam. They didn't have a knife to kill them," Dean grunted out. He rubbed a hand over his face. The frustration was there, but his mind had settled on a solution. A quick kill with the knife would take care of it. The demon wouldn't have a chance to play the games it had when her parents had gone against it, and it definitely wouldn't be able to kill her then either.  
"Do you really think it's going to let you get close enough to kill it without doing what it just did or something even worse to her? And if attempting to and sending it back to hell managed to kill those two men, what do you want to bet killing it will do?" Sam was thinking that even if they killed it there was no guarantee she'd still be alive, because severing the link would probably kill Manda, and apparently she had come to the same conclusion.  
Dean got to his feet then. "You think I don't know she's screwed a hundred ways to Sunday? That maybe there's nothing that will save her?" His voice was raised and he stared at Sam with hard eyes. "But if we don't try, she'll die anyway, Sammy. She'll go after it and get herself killed this time. So yeah, it's either us or it, and I want to bet on us killing it and not her, but I know there might not be a damn thing that will keep her alive." His voice was louder, his tone angrier as his emotions for her were leaking out. It was sinking in fast that maybe he couldn't get her out of this, that he just might kill her in the end by killing this demon.  
Then Dean realized she could hear everything he'd just said and felt like an ass over the outburst. He needed to be strong and sure of things for her just like he was with Sam when things went wrong, but Manda would spot his uncertainty anyway. She almost always picked up on what he hid for how similar they were in that sense.  
The bathroom door opened then making both brothers' heads snap around to look at her.  
Manda avoided looking at either brother even though she could feel their eyes on her as she moved wearily towards where her bags were. She didn't want to acknowledge what she'd heard through the thin door. Dean's doubt had hit her hard, leaving her feeling like even more of a lost cause. "I'm going to shower, then someone can start on the stitches, and then I imagine we all need to talk." She grabbed one bag and headed back towards the bathroom slowly. Everything in her felt sore or drained, walking wasn't helping, and she was pushing herself to keep upright now.  
Dean was paralyzed then, not able to move towards her. She wouldn't even look at him. "Manda, I-I… damn it, I didn't… you…" he stammered, and stopped. He could only watch as she walked away without saying more. Her legs shook with weakness, she moved slowly, and blood was smeared and drying across her back. She was injured and scarily vulnerable looking to him, even if the hunter in her had her on her feet still. The instinct to keep moving until not being able to had kicked in, but the struggle she was having to do so was obvious.  
Sam didn't know what to say, so he remained quiet. What could he say? She had heard them, she knew what was in the journal, and he didn't know what the demon had said this time, but he saw what it had done to her.  
She stopped in front of the bathroom door, but didn't turn around. "It's only the truth, Dean. There probably isn't a goddamn thing that will keep me alive, so at this point it's just a matter of dying on my terms or this demon's, and you know I'd rather do it on mine. This ends here." Then Manda walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind her.  
Sam looked at Dean. "She's ready to…" he stopped, not wanting to say it for Dean's sake.  
"She's ready to die," Dean sighed as he looked at the door that separated them. "Get Church back here, call Ruby again. We can't let her die, Sam… and I'm not letting her give up like this." He knew she was preparing herself to die, but that didn't mean she wanted it. He sure as hell didn't want it, so why would she?  
"You heard her, and you know Manda better than I do, but I can see it in her. She'll fight with whatever she has left, but she knows it might be futile, Dean." Sam could see how she knew the only thing left was to either face it head on or let it just happen. At least she wanted to face it head on though, which gave her a chance. But the way she just accepted it reminded him of how Dean had been that year before going to hell.  
Dean ignored the comment. "Stick to this room and keep an eye on her," he ordered, grabbing his normal clothes and then getting changed quickly. He needed to get out of this room while she was in the shower. That would give him the time to think about what to do, and to call Bobby again.  
"You know I've got her while you're gone, but where are you going now?" Sam looked at his brother in wonder. He was leaving her alone, but Sam knew Dean needed a few minutes to process what they knew now before he dealt with her.  
"Manda needs food. This wiped her out physically as well as mentally. We both saw how weak she is, and if she hopes to sit through my stitches, she needs to eat," he said, and saw Sam's amused smirk at how he was caring for her. He would offer her other comfort later if she wanted it, but this was all he could do for now. It would help to get some of her strength back, and he needed her strong and ready to survive.  
He'd protect her as much as he could, but Manda had to be determined to stay alive at any cost instead of dying. Dean walked out the door then knowing that was the only way they'd get her out of this.  
Manda had showered quickly and then ended up staring at her back in the mirror for a little, wondering how she'd screwed up so badly. But there was no use in wondering, it was done. The only thing left was accepting it and trying to take down this demon with her while it took her down for good. She knew she was beaten down.  
The way it had taunted her, rubbing salt into old wounds, reminding her of past mistakes. This last invasion had just drained her completely. She was tired, sore and just about ready to fall over, but she still had to sit through stitches and talking about everything.  
She put on the brave face and opened the door. "Dean, can we get started on…?" Manda called out as she walked out half dressed with her torso wrapped in a towel, finding only Sam there.  
Sam was reading through the journal, stopped and turned his head to look at her. "He'll be back soon," he said as her eyes met his after sweeping the room.  
Manda just nodded, went to put her bag down, tossed a shirt on the bed, and then started digging through her bag of supplies. She was a little disappointed, but understood Dean needed time on his own for awhile, and didn't bother to ask where he'd gone. "Find anything else in there yet?"  
"No, but I'll keep looking," he said, noticing how the way she shifted the focus from herself reminded him of Dean. "Manda, are you all right? Do you need anything?" he asked, rising to his feet. She was exhausted, he could tell, and pushing herself the way she was now would only weaken her more.  
"Could you just put a dressing over these freshly opened scars for now?" she asked quietly.  
"Yeah… sure." He walked over to her. Dean wasn't here for her, so Sam knew he had to be, and if this is all she wanted, it was easy enough to do.  
"Thanks." She handed him what he needed and then turned around. Manda moved the towel to open from her back, and held as much of it as she could against her chest. She wasn't worried if Sam saw more than he should. He'd already seen her in a bra just a short while ago so it was no big deal, and she knew he wouldn't look anyway.  
Sam looked at her wounds. The stitches were going to hurt, and he knew his brother wasn't always gentle at putting them in. "You're sure about not going in for stitches and letting Dean do them instead? He's a bit of a butcher sometimes." He unrolled a large portion of gauze, held it to her back, and cut as much as was needed.  
"I'll manage… he can't be any worse than the intern that did it the first time. He was all thumbs and questions. But thanks for asking, Sam." She was touched by his concern for her then.  
Sam felt a little awkward in this moment as he cut and pressed the tape around to hold the gauze in place. "Manda, I know you're a lot like my brother, but if you need to talk about anything…" he stopped as the door opened.  
Dean walked in followed by Church. He eyed his brother oddly, but then noticed that Sam was just giving Manda a temporary patch up and looking after her for him. He'd been gone for awhile now, talking to Bobby, picking up food, and then talking with Church for a few minutes just outside the door, and she probably just wanted this over with already. He stayed quiet, and wondered why she hadn't turned her head to look at him yet.  
"Are you sure you're all right, Manda?" Church asked with concern. Sam had filled her in a little on what had happened over the phone, and Dean had just told her more of it now, but she had to ask for herself upon seeing her friend.  
"Done," Sam said as he finished.  
"Yeah, Church… and thanks again, Sam." Manda grabbed the shirt off the bed and walked back into the bathroom.  
"She okay?" Dean asked, setting down a large bag of fast food and a tray of drinks on the table.  
Sam shrugged. "Seems to be, but it's a fine line."  
Dean just nodded, Sam went back to the table to get the journal and Church just stood there waiting.  
Manda walked back out doing up the last button on her shirt. She looked up and stopped as she saw how the three sets of eyes seemed to scrutinize her sluggish movements and pierce right through her. "Okay, all of you quit gawking at me like I'm a zombie." She looked to Dean then. If anyone would stop, it'd be him.  
Dean saw her finally look at him and knew what he had to do. "Zombie now, and a slasher movie reject when I'm done stitching you up, but first you gotta eat." He smirked, hiding his worry.  
"Slasher movie reject… nice, Winchester," Manda scoffed. The food was thoughtful, and she knew he'd comfort her differently later when it was just them. She could see through the grin he'd plastered on for her sake though, and decided just to go with it. "Sure you just weren't hungry, used me as your excuse?" She walked to the table and to where he was still standing.  
She knew him too well, he was hungry, but it wasn't an excuse. "It's going to be less fun for you, but just as taxing for me, sweetheart, so we both need to eat," he chuckled and winked. "And then I'll try to hang in there if you do." He gave her a playful grin then.  
Manda chuckled, and touched his arm as she got to him before rubbing her hand over it softly. "Thanks, Dean," she whispered as she kissed him lightly, and then sat down in a chair.  
Church and Sam looked at each other funny over the simple display of affection, it wasn't like Manda to be that quite this way in front of them, but things had changed.  
Dean gave her an odd look, but grinned.  
"What? Can't I kiss the guy for being sweet in his own weird way?" Manda smirked as she looked at the three of them.  
Dean guffawed. "Sweet? You haven't sat through my handiwork yet, Chambers. I never got my sewimg badge. Sammy can tell you how much fun it is."  
Chuch stifled a laugh.  
"I asked her again if she wanted to go in, but she's just as stubborn as you, Dean," Sam shook his head and chuckled.  
"Good, then she won't bitch and cry through it like you do," Dean teased as he handed Sam two coffees, and gave him a look.  
Sam read the look and knew his brother wanted them out of here. "How about we give you awhile, and then we'll talk after you're done?" He kept one coffee and gave the other to Chuch.  
"Wait. By the time he's done playing doctor, I'll just want to crash. I'm wrecked and all of you can see it. So, let me just give you the rundown of what happened before you go. That work for all of you?" Manda peered at all of them from behind her own cup now.  
The three of them traded looks, they'd do it if that's how she wanted it right now.  
"Get on with then," Dean muttered as he sat down with her. He wanted to know, but the sooner they were gone, the sooner he could find out how she really was.  
Manda nodded, and then told them about how bad the heat and pain had been this time, how awful the taunting was, but left out the parts of the demon saying it was Dean's fault and the newest vision.  
They were all quiet while they listened, and each one could tell this was based on revenge when she was done. It was unfinished business or an attempt to settle the score with the family who had stopped it from doing whatever it had been up to years ago.  
Dean knew right away that she was holding something back, which only meant one thing – it had to do with him. He'd have to wait to ask her about it.  
"I'd like to get a better read through both journals, Sam can help me with that now," Church said. "Where's the other one?"  
"By the bed," Manda answered, and watched as Church went to get it.  
Sam looked at his brother. "If you need anything, just call."  
"You find anything, you call," Dean said through a mouthful of food.  
Church looked at Manda. "If you can't sit through his doctoring, let me know and I'll come do it."  
"Thanks, guys… if I don't… well, thanks for everything," Manda looked at them with a sad smile as she wondered how much time she did have left.  
"It's what we do, and we'll find you out of this one way or another," Sam said, knowing she needed that comfort now. Then he looked at Dean, but nodded slightly towards Manda.  
Dean glanced at her, and returned the nod. Sam just wanted to remind him of the fine line she was walking.  
"Sam's right. Thank us when we get you out of this and it's all over, Manda." Church smiled back with a good fake grin, and then headed for the door. At this point it seemed unlikely they could, but they'd all try their damned hardest to do it.  
Sam and Church left then.  
Manda tipped her head down and stared at the food in front of her as she felt the tears rising. There was no use in crying, but the reality was she was falling apart inside and barely holding it together on the outside again.  
A few minutes later Dean was done eating and was watching her pick at her food. "Hey… you all right?"  
She didn't look up. She didn't want him to see what a mess she was right now. "Yeah."  
He knew what he should say, but he also knew she was holding it together right now for his sake instead of her own. "Eat a little more, you need the strength," he paused, not sure of what else to say. "I'll get everything set up, and we can get started when you're up to it."  
"Sure." Manda knew he was right. She took a deep breath and then took a few more bites.  
Dean cleaned up, and then started pulling out what he needed to stitch her up. He didn't try to talk to her yet. He wasn't even sure what he could say or if it was the right time to ask her about what she had held back when she was explaining things.  
It was too silent in the room and that was allowing everything to really sink in for Manda. She got up, avoided looking at Dean knowing she'd break if she did, and went to walk by him quickly. Then she felt his hand clamp down on her wrist.  
He knew she needed to breakdown again, and he couldn't hold it against her. Manda was doing her best to remain tough, but she'd lose it soon enough again and it was better that it happened now instead of later. "Come here," he muttered, pulling her close to him.  
"No… I just-I can't…" she stammered. "Don't," her voice broke as the tears started to fall when he wrapped his arms around her carefully.  
"Have your chick-flick cry it out moment, and then get ready to destroy this bastard instead of yourself, Manda," he spoke firmly. But as he looked at her, he saw what little fight there was left in her and wasn't sure if she could do this.  
She nodded, and just folded in his arms. Burying her face in the collar of his shirt, Manda started to cry her silent tears, and felt even weaker and more helpless against Dean then. He was stronger than she was, he always had been if she had to admit it, and knowing what she'd seen in the visions the demon had given her of him, he was stronger than she could ever be. He was even letting her breakdown on him again despite how uncomfortable it was for him.  
He held on to her and just let her cry for a few minutes. She was falling apart, and as out of his depth as a moment like this was, he knew she needed him to let her do this. None of this was easy for her, and while this moment wasn't easy for him either, she was his girl now and she was hurting badly, so Dean let her cry it out.  
"I'm not strong enough, Dean… it has me so frigging messed up and weak already… and we're not even face-to-face with it yet." Manda pressed her forehead against his shoulder.  
He kept one arm around her waist and lifted her head up to look at him. "Hey, you're strong and stubborn, Chambers… and you'll kick this demon's ass for as long as you can, but when you've not able to then that's what you've got me for. And you know I will." Dean let his cocky confidence come through for her then. She already knew he'd do whatever he could to protect her.  
She nodded as the silent tears kept rolling down her face. Manda hated crying in front of him, but she couldn't stop it right now.  
Dean's eyes searched hers and recognized a look of despair he saw in his own when he looked in the mirror sometimes. He caressed her face gently, accidentally wiping away a few of her tears with his thumb. "But you can't go into this ready to die. That's how you met with this demon years ago, and you were reckless when you ran into it a few months ago…" he stopped when he saw the pained expression on her face, not sure if he was hurting her by throwing the truth at her or if something else was going on.  
How the demon wanted her to blame him was there in the front of Manda's mind now. But how could she tell him without watching him take some guilt for this? She knew that's what he would do. He'd blame himself when it wasn't even his fault since it had started long before he'd come along into her life. "I know… and I'm trying my hardest not to do it again, but it knows what cards to play to make me go after it alone with that intent, and right now we both know that I'm gonna die no matter how I go into this," Manda said quietly as she broke away, and put some space between them by heading towards the bathroom. She needed to get her bearings and to think of a way to tell him what he still needed to know.  
Dean didn't stop her, but stood there wondering what he was supposed to do now, and what she meant by that. But deep down he knew that whatever she had left out from this last mental invasion meant that the demon was not only trying to isolate her from the rest of them, but most of all from him. And there was no way in hell Dean was letting that happen anymore than he was willing to let this demon kill her as he headed for the closed door that separated them now.


	16. Chapter 16

Dean got to the door and then hesitated when his hand was on the knob. He wasn't sure this was the right call, but then muttered "screw it" as he opened the door. She could just deal with his intrusion one way or another. "What do you mean it's playing the right cards?"  
The door whacked Manda as she went to open it. "Smooth, Winchester. Might want to try knocking instead of trying to knock me out," she uttered, pulling the door open all the way.  
"Sorry…I wasn't trying to… never mind." He hadn't flung the door open, but had felt it hit her and had let go instantly.  
"Maybe Sam doesn't mind you barging in, but could you give me some warning? Well, unless you're coming to surprise me in the shower." Manda gave him a somewhat suggestive grin.  
He raised an eyebrow and smirked at how she tried to keep it light, but then his eyes went wide as he caught her reflection in the mirror and saw the red spots on the back of her shirt. "You're bleeding through… we better get those stitches in."  
She sighed. "Great… and I'll explain what I meant when you're done."  
"You can explain during," he said, but then saw the non-negotiable look she gave him. "Fine, after. Now let me get ready to play doctor." He rubbed his hands together and gave a wide smile.  
Manda chuckled as she headed for the room's phone.  
Dean took a few minutes to go rinse off his face, scrubbed his hands and used the last clean towel to dry them with. "We need more towels," he called out to her.  
"Already called," she replied, heading for the table. She looked over all the items he had laid out, double-checking he had gotten everything he would need out of both their medical supplies.  
"Good. You ready?" he asked, walking out of the bathroom.  
"Just waiting on you." Manda looked at him over her shoulder.  
Dean looked at her straddling a chair at the table. Her shirt was placed loosely on backwards keeping the front of her covered, her hair was clipped up to leave her shoulder and back clear, and the gauze covering her scars was blood-soaked in spots. "There's something wrong with this picture."  
Manda chuckled. "Yeah… you're not in this chair and I'm not wearing a naughty nurse outfit,"  
He grinned, thinking of how much more fun that would be than what was about to happen. "You did agree to do a lap dance on another day."  
"Looks like that'll have to wait." Manda got quiet and turned her head back.  
Dean cleared his throat as he moved a chair behind hers. This was going to take awhile, so he got comfortable by pulling off the shirt he had on over a t-shirt and stretched before sitting down to get started.  
When he pulled off the gauze, the marks down most of the right side of her back stared at him. He couldn't believe that the scars he'd kissed the night before were now open and bloody. "You're sure you want me to do this? The hospital might be a better choice."  
She glanced over her shoulder again. "I don't want to go there, and I've sat through it before. So if you will, please get started."  
"Drink when you need to and tell me when you need a break." Dean reached for the antiseptic then. "I'll try not to be too rough, but if you can't stand the pain, you're going in."  
"Okay." She turned her head back and sat completely still then, bracing herself for what she knew was coming.  
As Dean began to disinfect her wounds he noticed the way she flinched, how her shoulders and back arched on reflex, and how she dug her nails into her knees. He wondered how she was going to make it through the stitches. "Hang in there, almost done this part."  
It stung like hell, and Manda couldn't keep her body from reacting. She grabbed the bottle of whiskey he had left on the table for her, and chugged a long sip.  
"I'll do this as quickly as I can." Dean wanted to rid her of the marks, but he couldn't. The guilt he felt over how she'd gotten them started to rise.  
"Not quite what a girl likes to hear," she chuckled, needing to laugh now because she knew this was about to get more painful.  
He laughed as he finished cleaning the marks, and using what little there was left of a topical numbing agent she had. "It is in this case, but if you're up to it later, I'll remind you how I don't always rush things."  
"Nice distraction technique," Manda laughed softly.  
Dean reached for what he needed next, took a moment to get the needle ready, and then held it close to her back. "It works… ready?"  
She took another long sip of the whiskey. "Ready as I'll ever be," Manda muttered, setting the bottle on the table. She closed her eyes, clenched her teeth, and waited.  
"Sorry." Dean pierced the needle through her skin and noticed how still she had become to make this easier.  
The pain was there, and she had nothing much to numb it with besides the booze. Manda tried to focus on anything other than the needle weaving in and out of her skin. Dean was trying to be gentle, but there was nothing gentle about this, and she dug her nails into her knees again.  
He didn't know what to say to her. Small talk just wouldn't work in this moment. He wasn't even sure how much this was hurting her. She was just too still and too quiet as he worked.  
When he finished the first of the four gashes, he stopped to take a swig of the whiskey, and rubbed her arm after placing the bottle back on the table. "Not hurting you too much, am I?"  
Manda jumped at his touch. "No, can't feel much of it actually," she lied. She had felt the pain from every sharp poke and tight stitch so far and there was still more to sit through. She was trying her hardest to block out the pain though, but it was wearing her down even more than she already was.  
"You're doing good so far, kiddo." Dean knew she was lying, but calling her on it was useless. He picked up the needle again, and got started on the next slash.  
She remained quiet, and ended up taking a generous gulp of whiskey after a few more needle pricks. Her mind was wandering now, trying to work out what to say after this since Manda hadn't exactly gotten the time to work it out when she'd gone to hide in the bathroom.  
He worked his way through the second longer scar, hating that he had to do this to her. All he could think of then were ways to make the demon pay for everything it had done to her. Dean was working on the first of the smaller two when she pulled him from his thoughts by breaking the silence.  
"Dean?"  
He stopped, wondering if she'd finally had enough. "Need a break?"  
"No… I just…" Manda stopped, and sighed. There was so much she wanted to say, but now she was choking on it.  
Picking up from where he had stopped stitching, Dean continued and waited for her to start talking. It was obvious she wanted to say something, but seemed to be having a hard time saying it.  
"Whatever happens to me, I don't regret getting close to you. I only wish I'd let you in sooner, Dean… that I didn't wait so long to admit to things," she whispered, finding a place to start from after a few minutes.  
Dean's lips curled into a small smirk. "Hey… you're stuck with me until one of us has had enough of trying this dating thing, not because some douche-bag demon thinks it's going to kill you before then. So quit talking like you're dying, because that isn't happening while you've got me around, or how this ends." He gave her an assurance he was trying to believe, and one he knew she needed.  
Manda chuckled softly as a smile formed. Dean had just said a whole lot whether he realized it or not. "And my man proves again he's not always the badass he lets everyone see, but is actually sweet underneath it all. Oddly enough, you still came off as a badass though."  
His smiled widened at hearing her call him her man since she'd never done that before. "Your man, Chambers… is that so?" He finished stitching up the last mark. "And I've got a reputation to maintain, so if I still come off as badass when you think I'm being sweet, that just proves I'm one all the time." Dean started applying some fresh gauze over the area in case she managed to rip out some stitches.  
"You know you are… and I know all about your reputation," she chuckled. "Bad boy and tough guy Dean Winchester who spends his days kicking all kinds of evil and supernatural ass from town to town, fools around but never falls in love, and most importantly, is always as hot and smooth as that classic car of his." Manda looked at him over her shoulder with a funny smirk.  
Dean laughed at her summary, and hoped she realized that one part of it was wrong since he had fooled around and fallen in love with her. But it was the comparison to his car that had him grinning like a fool. "Hot and smooth like my baby, true… but damn, I didn't know you thought so highly of me." He applied the last piece of tape, and then stood up to stretch. "You're done."  
Manda put her shirt on the right way, and only did up a few buttons before she got up and turned to face him. "Well, now you do." She grinned before kissing him deeply. "Thanks for the stitches, letting me breakdown again, and handling more of those weaker girl moments. I know they're uncomfortable for you, but you do okay with them."  
"That must be because I'm used to dealing with Sammy's. But you can thank me with that lap dance and amazing, grateful sex after I've gotten you out of this." Dean pulled her closer by the hips, and let his mouth crash on hers for an intense kiss. "And I will, because I definitely intend on getting both." The cocky tone leaked through with a grin to match.  
She laughed. "If that's what you want, then that's what you'll get when this done," Manda agreed, but her doubt over his ability to get her out this alive was still there.  
"Looking forward to it," he smirked.  
There was a knock on the door then.  
"That'll be the towels, I'll handle it." Dean let her go, and went to grab the towel he'd brought out with him before.  
"I'll grab the rest." Manda went to get the other used towels.  
Dean waited for her, then took them and walked to the door. He opened it just as Manda grabbed another shirt from her bag and went into the bathroom.  
He dumped the towels directly into the housekeeping cart that was just outside the door next to the woman who was holding fresh ones. He ignored her weird look, at seeing the bloody towels, grabbed the new ones from her with a smile, and closed the door.  
The bathroom door was open a crack, and he pushed it open to find Manda rinsing out her shirt that was spotted with blood. "I'm coming in," he added, remembering what she'd said earlier.  
She tossed her shirt over the bar for the shower curtain, and took the towels from him to hang them up while he cleaned himself up. Then she walked out, and went to lie down on the bed. Her back was sore, she was exhausted and just wanted to crash now, but she still had to explain what she'd put off before.  
Dean came out and noticed her just lying there. "Feeling okay?" he asked, walking over to the bed.  
"Aside from being completely wiped out, yeah," she answered.  
He sat down on the other side and leaned against the headboard. "It's after… time to explain, Manda."  
Manda closed her eyes. This wasn't going to be easy. She sat up and looked at him. "It was saying all the right things to make me want to go after it without any of you, and it seems to want me going after it the way I have twice already."  
"I figured that out, but even if the third time's a charm, there's no way in hell you're doing that again. But what else did you leave out earlier?" Dean looked at her curiously.  
She looked away briefly, and took a deep breath. "God, no matter how I say this I know how you'll take it, and how wrong it is."  
"What did it say or show you now?" He wondered how bad it was, because the look on her face was stone cold serious.  
Manda could only break it to him one way, like she was ripping off a band-aid. "It wanted me to thank you for sending me straight to it months ago, and for releasing it through the Devil's Gate," she said quietly.  
He groaned in annoyance, and then was silent for a minute. And that was enough time for the guilt and anger to set it. She wasn't lying about it playing the right cards. It didn't matter that it had escaped through that gate before he'd even met her. He felt this was on him for setting it free, and for how he'd acted towards her months ago that had caused her to run into it. "Son of a bitch won't be going home again, it's dying," Dean grunted, clenching his jaw tightly.  
She instantly saw the guilt he had taken on. He tried to hide it, but it was there. Manda reached out and caressed his face. "Don't feel guilty, baby… this started long before those things happened."  
"Manda… you were careless because of me when you got those frigging scars." He turned slightly to look away from her. His hands balled into fists as the anger surged intensely along with his guilt. "Goddamn it… I basically stuck the kick me sign on your back." He pulled back completely from her then.  
"Don't blame yourself for this, because I sure as hell don't blame you for it. We both know I made the mistakes to wind up here." She wished he hadn't pulled away, but had known it would happen.  
It was a few minutes later when Dean finally turned to look at her. She might have been right, but he had made his own mistakes to help her get to this point. "Would you even be in this if it hadn't have gotten out of the gate?"  
"Don't do that, Dean" Manda said firmly. "Don't try to find a way to take the blame for any of this by grasping for it. Sooner or later it would have gotten out and come after me anyway. You know how those wily bastards are."  
He tilted his head down. No matter what she said, the guilt was already there. "That all?"  
"No… it gave me another vision of you," she whispered.  
Dean got up furiously from the bed just as his phone went off.  
Manda could see how incredibly tense he'd just become. She sighed, and lied down again.  
"What?" Dean snapped roughly as he answered Sam's call. He wandered away from the bed with heavy steps.  
"Dude… what the hell is wrong with you?" Sam asked, wondering what was bugging his brother besides the obvious.  
"Nothing… what did you find?" Dean calmed his tone, and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to will away the anger. It would be better to store it and use it when the demon showed up.  
"Third victim was another hunter. Similar story again, and died in the same sort of way." Sam gave him the short version of what he and Church had come across now.  
"Son of a…" Dean gritted, and then paused. "I'll be over in awhile."  
"Is Manda doing okay?" Sam inquired, checking to make sure that wasn't what was wrong.  
"Yeah… yeah, thanks, Sammy." Dean ended the call and put down the phone. He looked back to Manda who was lying with her back to him. "Another hunter, same sort of story again." He went for the whiskey then, and downed a hard sip. What he wanted to know from her soon was going to be tough.  
"'Kay," she sighed. There was nothing else for her to say, a third victim with the same outcome wasn't good news.  
It was a few minutes later when Dean finally came back and sat on the bed. And a few more minutes passed before he finally lied down on his side next to her, ready to find out what the visions held. "I want to know what you saw, Manda."  
She switched sides slowly, then looked at him and saw the anguish that was deeply set in his eyes. She took a moment to decide what to say. "Dean… I know we're all capable of it if push came to shove, but that isn't what's in here," she said quietly, pressing her hand to his chest.  
Her words stung, and so did her touch. She didn't know the half of what he'd been like, and how it was still somewhere inside him. "What did you see?" he asked.  
"The things you were doing were just beyond… cruel," Manda whispered the laat word, worried of his reaction. She withdrew her hand, knowing he'd pull away if she didn't.  
He cringed at the word, knowing somehow she'd seen something that had actually happened. Dean was horrified that she knew, and rolled onto his other side so she couldn't see him. He would never forget the things he'd done and would carry the guilt and shame from them for the rest of his life.  
Manda took a deep breath and then began to tell him about the visions the demon had given her. Her voice kept breaking and the tears fell at trying to imagine what it was like for him, seeing it in her mind again, and not being able to imagine what else he'd gone through. She tried not to use words that would be hurtful, but couldn't help but use them at times.  
Dean was quiet while he listened, and for awhile longer once she had finished. He had no idea what to say or do. He was fuming at the demon for making her watch things she should never have had to see, and things he'd never wanted her to know about. He loathed that she had seen him that way, but Manda had tried to understand, had even been afraid of hurting him at times while she talked. The tears she had shed had been for him and his pain. He recognized that through his overwhelming pain, guilt, rage and shame. "It… what you saw… that happened," he said quietly, unable to mask the breaking in his voice. He shifted onto his back then, knowing he needed to see how she looked at him now, if it was different or the same.  
She propped herself up beside him on an elbow and turned his face to look at her. "To know you went through that… I'm sorry doesn't cut it, but I am, Dean… and there are no words I can say to make it better," Her voice was filled with sadness.  
There were no words for it. He'd told Sam that when he'd shared a little of what had happened to him. "None at all," he mumbled, and avoided looking in her eyes. He wasn't sure he still wanted to know how she looked at him now.  
"That isn't you. That isn't the man I know or see deep inside you… no matter if that part is in there somewhere." Manda stroked his cheek. "I'll never know everything that happened, but I know you're a good man with a good heart regardless of what went on down there."  
Dean froze, and went completely rigid. She always thought he was a better man than he was, and here she was trying to comfort him when he should have been comforting her. "You saw pieces, but you don't ever want to know the things I saw… what else I ended up doing. There was no good man or good heart down there, Manda… and I-I… I'm not…" he stopped, unable to say more, and forced down the breaking he had been about to do in front of her.  
Manda pushed up the sleeve of his t-shirt. She touched the handprint delicately before beginning to trace it with a finger even more softly. "You never wanted me to know that part of you, and I get why. But the heartache from just watching what I saw… I wish I could rid you of that pain, Dean. I'd take it if it were possible." She kissed his forehead, and then stared down at him. "I'd take it all if I could, because I know what it's like to not want to feel it and end up drowning in it."  
"You wouldn't want this." But then Dean's eyes finally met hers, and he saw she understood the pain completely. It was then he realized that after losing three people she loved all those years ago, Manda had been shattered beyond what she had ever admitted to. The year she said she'd took off made sense to him now. There had been no attempt for a normal life, she'd spent a year consumed by guilt and suffering from the mistakes she had made. "You've got enough of your own pain, Manda."  
"I won't pretend mine compares, but I know about pain that eats away at you and can't be erased." She pulled his arm across his chest, leaned down, and did something she'd never done before – she kissed the handprint softly. He had done it to her scars, and Manda felt it was only fair to return the gesture now. "And I know this comes with indescribable pain attached to it."  
Dean wanted to stop her, but couldn't bring himself to. He closed his eyes upon feeling the wetness rise in them. He wouldn't cry in front of her, couldn't, but with how gentle and sweet she was despite everything that had happened to her today, and how she still seemed to love him despite knowing what she knew now, he didn't have it in him to be tough.  
He knew what it was like for her when he had kissed her scars as her lips worked delicately over the handprint. Dean tensed up completely as two tears escaped.  
She stopped upon feeling him tense up. She put his arm back at his side, and then looked at him. She saw the tear streaks and wanted to brush them away, but figured he already felt like less of the strong man he was in front of her now without her making it worse. "It's okay, baby… you never have to hide your pain from me." Manda let her lips descend on his gently.  
He kissed her back as if she could take away the pain. Then he just looked at her. He hadn't managed to keep the two tears in since she had hit an emotional spot rooted deeply inside him with her words and actions. He felt like he wasn't strong then, that he'd just done something his brother would do in front of a girl, but he hadn't sobbed like Sam would have. Manda wouldn't judge him for it either, and she'd cried in front of him enough already. "You've been making a habit of having chick-flick moments on me, guess it finally rubbed off and I owed you one in return." He smirked a little weakly, and wiped away the wetness from his face with the back of his hand casually, like it was a smudge of anything other than tears.  
"Two tears hardly make it a chick moment, so I won't hold it against you," she smirked softly. "Neither of us can be tough all the time, but you're still the stronger one here."  
"I guess." Dean slid his arm behind her before she rested her head on his shoulder, and carefully put it around her to avoid the stitches he'd put in. "The year off after… what did you really do, Manda?" He just wanted to know if he was right.  
She hesitated, wondering why he wanted to know now when he'd taken her reason before. But if he wanted the truth, she wouldn't hide it anymore. "I cried. Every goddamn day I cried until there was nothing left inside, and then just started all over again." The normal life story had always been a lie. It had just been a year of the worst pain and guilt that ate away at her.  
Dean rubbed his hand into her arm as a comfort because he didn't know what to say.  
"There was no one left. I was just barely over seventeen and my whole family was gone. I was alone and broken. Hunting wasn't even an option because of being so screwed up. I was bruised and sore that year for trying so hard to beat my pain and guilt out, and on the days I couldn't get up to pound the crap out of something, I did it mentally." Manda gave him the complete truth that only she and a hunter friend of her parents' who had snapped her out of it knew. "The things I did to myself that year… we've both got things we won't talk about."  
"I won't ask you to." He knew then that she hadn't been lying when she said she'd die before losing someone like that again, because for her that had been Hell. A Hell she believed she had created, and one she'd been stuck in that was filled with hurt that had no ending. Dean tightened his arm around her and put his other hand on the arm she had across his chest to hold the girl who seemed to understand him as much as he understood her. "There's no forgetting it, is there?"  
"It'll always feel like yesterday for both of us."  
"Lucky us."  
"Some pair we are, Winchester," she laughed sadly and quietly.  
He chuckled. "Tell me about it."  
"If something happens to me… my parents' rings… I want you to have them." Manda lifted her head, looked at him. "Can you do that for me?" She needed to know he would, because she wanted him to have them if she didn't survive this. He was the only person she'd ever thought of giving one of them to anyway.  
Dean couldn't deny her as he looked in her eyes and saw her love for him. "I can… but nothing is going to happen to you, so they're staying right where they are." He had to believe she wouldn't die, and he wanted her to believe it too. But knowing she wanted him to have those rings, he knew he was a coward for not being able to tell her he loved her.  
She nodded, and put her head back down. "I know you want to go talk with Sam and Church, but will you stay until I'm asleep?" Any other time she would never ask, but she just needed him there with her.  
"Think I can manage that." It wouldn't take long, she was exhausted from everything. It was the least he could do for her now too, especially after how she'd been with him.  
They were both quiet for awhile as they lay there together.  
Dean thought she'd fallen asleep when she spoke softly.  
"I don't want to die yet, Dean," she confessed in a broken voice.  
"You won't, Manda," he said in a soft tone. But he wasn't so sure if she wouldn't as long as the demon kept this up, and if killing it was almost a guarantee for killing her too. "You won't," Dean repeated what he hoped was the truth, but actually felt like a lie.  
His phone went off twenty minutes later, and reaching for it caused her to roll away from him. "Give me the good and bad and everything ugly, Sammy."  
Sam chuckled. "Why are you whispering?"  
"Girl's asleep, don't want to wake her," he spoke low as he carefully left the bed.  
"Wow, if only you were that nice to me…" Sam scoffed.  
"Aw, Sammy, you miss sharing a room already?" Dean said louder now, making his way to just outside the door.  
"No," Sam paused. "Got a fourth victim, but you'll want to read this one yourself."  
Dean rubbed a hand hard over his face. This couldn't be good. "How bad?"  
Sam sighed. "It ripped open his scars twice while they were trying to save him. He died from the blood loss, it hit an artery for where they located."  
"Shit…" he mumbled. Was there any way they could get her out of this? Or was she really going to die no matter what they tried to do? The idea of losing her when he'd just really gained her wasn't sitting well with him. "Haven't come across any theories yet?"  
"Nope, but we'll keep looking. You coming by still or do you want me to drop it off for you to read?"  
"Be there in a few minutes." He shut his phone, and went back inside the room.  
Dean grabbed her phone, and eased it into her hand when he sat next to her. He wanted it close to her in case she needed to call him if something happened while he wasn't there.  
Manda didn't stir, so he looked at her for a minute, and knew what he had to say. There was a truth he needed to get out, one he'd been trying to work himself up to say while he'd been lying there with her.  
"I gotta get you out of this, because I-I… I, lo... damn it… I need you too, Chambers," he whispered, and then kissed the her gently on the forehead. He had choked on the word he wanted to use and replaced it with another. He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to get out the one he hadn't been able to say.  
He left then, finding his determination to save Manda was stronger than it had been before, because while he'd been saying it, Dean had realized he didn't just love her, he needed her too.


	17. Chapter 17

Running into Church just outside of Sam's room, Dean stopped.  
"How's Manda doing?" Church asked about her friend upon seeing Dean's grim expression that disappeared quickly. She wondered what was wrong, but knew he wasn't about to open up about it.  
"She's okay." For the most part the answer wasn't a lie, but it still held one within it. And that was all Dean offered since he didn't want to talk about it. "Going out?" He asked, noticing the keys in Church's hand.  
"Just need to clear my head for awhile," she answered. It was true, but she also knew that Dean needed awhile to talk to Sam without her around, so she had told Sam she would take off for awhile so they could talk.  
"All right." He walked into the room then, ending the short exchange abruptly.  
Church shook her head as she got in her car. Dean hadn't given her much, but she knew what she had seen on him just a minute before – hopelessness. He had let his mask slip for a moment to reveal he felt just as hopeless as she did about this situation, maybe even more so.  
Sam looked at his brother as he strode in, noticing a new heaviness present in his shoulders as he sat down. "Stitches go in okay?"  
"Girl's tougher than she looks. Didn't ask for any of the breaks I took or even complain once." Dean chuckled, thinking of how Manda had sat through it without saying a word about it hurting or crying out in pain.  
"Maybe she's like you when it comes to admitting there's pain from a wound like that." Sam knew his brother often didn't moan about the pain involved. A knock on the head might hurt, but anything else usually seemed to be nothing more than a minor irritation to Dean, and he was sure Manda handled pain in the same manner from what he'd seen earlier.  
"Maybe we're just tougher than you," he smirked. Dean knew he rarely made a fuss about the pain when he was hurt since Sam always had to know he was okay even when he wasn't. It was just the way he was, he just stuffed down the pain and carried on.  
Sam's look was annoyed as he flipped to where Dean needed to read from in the journal. "Something else bugging you?" he asked, not sure if he would even get an answer.  
There was plenty bugging him, and he knew Sam could pick up on it. Leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, Dean was silent for a moment as he thought about how much to tell his brother. "We let this demon out, Sam. It got out of the devil's gate." The words stung as he said them out loud, and the guilt rushed forth in him.  
"What?" Sam looked at him surprised. "How do you know that? And why didn't Manda mention that earlier?"  
Dean sighed as he looked up at Sam. "You know how she is… and it told her. I know demons lie, but everything else it has thrown at her hasn't been one so far. Trust me on that." He wished it was a lie, but it wasn't. He knew it was telling the truth; too many demons had gotten out of the gate that night.  
Now what was weighing down Dean made sense to Sam. His brother felt responsible for some of this, but it just wasn't his fault. "Dean, you didn't even know her when that happened. And plenty of demons got out that night, but why did it wait so long to go after her?"  
"Who knows… but I sent her running straight into it, Sammy. She got those scars because of me… that was the job she threw herself into after that fight we had." He went quiet then, remembering how he'd left and ignored Manda after that until running into her again. A part of him knew it wasn't his doing and that she blamed herself, but that still didn't take away the guilt he felt now.  
Sam knew Dean blamed himself for having a role in this, and he wondered why. He was certain Manda didn't hold his brother responsible for it either, but Dean was an expert in collecting guilt to hold on to when he shouldn't. "Manda rushed right into that job, she said so herself. We've taken on jobs when we shouldn't have, and that's exactly what she did then. This demon was stuck on revenge for a long time, Dean. You didn't cause it to come after her, so what's happening now isn't your fault."  
Dean's look was sour. Sam just didn't seem to understand it. "I helped get her here, Sam… and this demon is making damn sure she knows it. Hell, it even asked her to thank me for it…" he stopped, unsure if he should tell his brother about what she had held back for his sake. "It wants her alone and messed up like the two times she's chased it already, and it'll keep pulling all the punches to get her that way."  
"Then she doesn't go anywhere on her own… I'm sure you decided that for her by now anyway." But Sam wondered if that was all there was to it, because from the way his brother looked, there was more to the story here. "But if she's holding things back, how do you know she's told you everything?"  
Dean's body tensed even more. He knew there were no more secrets. She had let it all out, because if she hadn't then he wouldn't know about the visions of him. She would have hidden those from him to spare him the pain and anger. "I just do. Manda's good at keeping people in the dark about things, but she's told me everything about this. Every friggin' thing it has said and shown her…" he trailed off harshly.  
Sam looked curiously at Dean. There was something in his tone, in his tension that seemed to let out more than he wanted to. "Is there more to this? Because the link it has with her is stronger. That much is obvious here. None of the other victims had visions, they only heard the demon." He left the bait for Dean to disclose a little more, hoping he'd take it.  
If he told Sam, then someone else would know what it was doing. "Her visions are about as disturbing as the ones you used to have, but if only hers were about other people instead of her or me," Dean said, wondering how much he'd regret talking about this. His eyes shifted off of Sam and focused on the wall.  
"You're not about to kill her like in that one vision or are we talking about something she only told you now?" Sam figured he was something missing here. He hadn't detected she had hidden anything when she was telling them about what had happened until noticing the way Manda avoided looking at Dean. She had kept her eyes on him and Church, hadn't looked at his brother at all. And now with Dean acting this way, he knew he was missing something for sure.  
"This morning and this last time… it showed her visions of me doing things..." Dean's tone was sharp and low. He would rather keep this to himself, but Sam already knew a bit about his time in Hell, and he had to get this out. The anger and annoyance were festering still.  
"What things?" Sam paused. His eyes stayed locked on his brother, and then it dawned on him. The visions probably only had to do with one thing, something Dean didn't ever want to talk about it. Sam knew then that Manda hadn't shared anything about this out of respect for his brother. "It gave her visions of you in Hell?"  
Dean knew Sam would figure it out quickly. "Like it was some freaking highlight reel of the past, only mine instead of hers." His voice was raw, rough, and hard.  
"So that's how you know the demon isn't lying, because it was real and you never told her about it before?" Sam had wondered if his brother had ever shared any of that with her.  
"It was real all right. Damn thing showed her stuff I did once I was off the rack." Dean rubbed his hands hard into his knees, and then leaned back in the chair he was in. "I hate this son of a bitch," he grunted.  
"Dean…" Sam paused, wondering how to get out anything else out of his brother. He hoped his brother had talked about it with her, but he wondered how she had reacted to learning whatever she had seen had been real. "You told her something along the lines of what you told me, didn't you? She understands, right?" He was sure she did, and that she'd probably been even softer than Dean had been when dealing with her earlier or he would have been in an even worse mood than he already was.  
Dean cocked his head and shot Sam a funny look. His brother had no idea just how much she did understand. "More than you know… but I've had my fill of chick moments from an actual girl, and at least I get to benefit from dealing with hers, so if you're about to spring one on me… save it, Sammy," he smirked.  
"Dude… you're the one that came in here springing your chick moment on me," Sam chuckled. He knew Dean was done talking about this, and wouldn't push him for any more.  
Dean had just broken down a bit, so Sam had him there. "Hardly one of those, and I just didn't want you feeling left out and brooding even more," he teased. "Now let me catch up on what you've found."  
Sam rolled his eyes, then got up and handed Dean the journal. "Read it, and then we'll start figuring out how to save your girlfriend." He smirked, knowing his brother would hate the word he'd used.  
Dean groaned. "Keep that up and when this is over not only will I kick your ass for using that word, but Manda will too," he said as he started reading from the journal, and barely heard Sam's "yeah right" snicker in return.

[ - ]

Manda was tossing and turning, the dream had a hold on her that she couldn't awaken from. But this wasn't a dream – it was the worst of her memories.  
Screaming and then falling as she tried to run from her mother's lifeless body, she was crawling through the pain she was in from her own injuries to her father who was somehow still alive and coherent for the moment. Manda had pulled out her cell phone and called for help, knowing that they needed it now. She was busted up pretty good, but her dad was in real bad shape. The blood was gushing out of him and she knew she couldn't do much to stop it.  
She tossed the phone and was telling her dad to hang on while applying pressure to the worst of his wounds the best that she could. But he was making her promise to take their rings, telling her it wasn't her fault, not to blame herself, and saying she was safe now. Then he was mumbling something about if the demon ever came back there was something she had to do, but he went silent suddenly as he slipped away from consciousness, and from her.  
"Daddy, no!" Manda cried out as she bolted awake covered in a cold sweat.  
Her eyes scanned around to find she wasn't trapped in the memory anymore, but alone in the hotel room instead.  
She breathed a deep sigh of relief, and then went to bury her head in her hands. It only registered then that there was something hard in one of them.  
Looking at her hand, she smiled painfully at seeing her phone which she hadn't fallen asleep with there. Dean must have slipped it in her hand before he left. She placed it on the night stand since there was no reason to call him, but he'd obviously been thinking she might have needed to.  
Manda lied back down and reached for the rings around her neck. Her mind was frantically racing, wondering what her father had been trying to say, but she had no clue as to what it could have been. He'd never regained consciousness and had died from his injuries a week later.  
If only he were still alive then he'd know how to stop this and he'd tell her exactly what she should do now, but he wasn't and that was all her fault.  
Groaning as she buried her face in a pillow, Manda was just too tired to keep thinking about everything. And having dreamt about the most devastating night she'd brought on herself a long time ago had only worn her down even more with the guilt and pain she could never escape.  
The clock flickered in the room, but she didn't notice as she fell back asleep. And Manda never heard the quiet, dark laughter from a man with black eyes walk past her room, or how his fingers lightly scraped across the door.

[ - ]

What had found had been was more of the same, another regular Joe had died, and a retired hunter had followed him.  
It was the retired hunter that'd had his scars ripped open far too deep, slashing an artery wide open in the process. He'd bled out quickly while Manda's parents had struggled to keep the demon from fleeing, but the slippery bastard had taken off again after ensuring the worst damage had been done.  
Nothing new had been learned, except that it had started using a few new tricks, and was taking full advantage of them. Her parents still had no theories at that time either.  
Reading the third and fourth encounters had left Dean with little hope, but his resolve to keep Manda alive was still riding strong in a contradiction.  
Hadn't he been up against hopeless situations before? Ones where it seemed the odds were stacked so highly against him there was nothing else to do but work the job and wonder how in the hell he'd gotten through it later?  
Manda was in a situation like that now, because from each angle Dean's mind was looking at it, she was going to die. But at least there were a few odds on his side that he could rely on.  
There was the knife, Sam and his powers, and there was the fact that there were four hunters here instead of just two. Somehow they could pull this off without killing the one that was in the middle of this, but Dean didn't know how yet.  
He wished that Castiel would appear and know how to fix this, or that Ruby would show up with an answer or two. But they were wild cards. Dean knew he couldn't count on either of them unless they showed up for their own agendas, and considering the lack of anything so far, it was clear Manda's name hadn't been penciled in either one.  
Closing the journal and looking up it, Dean found Church was back and hunched over a laptop, and Sam was just taking a break from reading the other journal. "So what do we do?"  
"I wish to god I knew that answer," Church muttered. Every single way she had looked at this so far ended in one way – her friend wasn't making it out of this alive.  
"If we don't turn up any theories, and we can't figure out how to break that link between them, then I guess we kill it." Sam looked at Dean. "And we hope that it doesn't kill her in the process, but she's probably not making it out of this."  
Dean sighed. That had been his solution before, but the risk of killing her in the process wasn't one he wanted to take. "Now you want to use my idea… even if it kills her."  
"She knows what could happen to her, Dean," Sam said, meeting the hard stare from his brother. "Manda knows the reality of this, and we'll do what we can, but if it kills her, don't you think she'd rather know we killed the demon too?"  
"She would," Church added in quietly.  
"We really have nothing else?" Dean looked from Church to Sam. There had to be something to stop this. She didn't want to die and he couldn't let her.  
"Right now, no. We'll keep looking, and maybe you can check the other journals she has for something or ask her if she remembers anything else from back then." Sam saw how unacceptable his answer was to Dean as he looked at him.  
"Look, how about we talk this out for now? The three of us are bound to figure something out, and if not then one of us will give Bobby everything we do have to get his input. He's cracked hard jobs before." Church gave them the option after sensing the tension in the room increase.  
Sam thought it over quickly. "Can't hurt."  
Dean was quiet and frustrated. "Fine," he said sharply, agreeing to it.  
Church nodded, and then started to lay out what they did know.  
The three hunters were combining their knowledge, but were coming up empty handed. Each of them felt like they were missing some part of the puzzle and were grasping at straws to figure it out. But the way all three of them were seeing it, the hunter they were trying to get out of this was doomed no matter what they did next.  
The theories they were coming up with had no legs to stand on, and they kept returning to the one that had been Dean's first solution – to kill the demon as quickly as they could when it showed up.  
Now, Dean had been back in the room for a few hours now skimming through another of Manda's father's journals. He had taken it out of one of her bags, hoping an answer was in there, but there was nothing and it was beginning to feel useless.  
He shut the journal, put it aside, and sank back on the bed beside her to think.  
Manda was definitely in a Winchester worthy mess, and Dean was scrambling to find her a way out of it. There had to be a way, and he had to find it soon.  
His mind was scouring for a way to solve this, but it still remained on the idea he'd first come up with – to kill this demon quickly when it came around. There seemed to be no other answer to the equation. Just to take the demon out and pray that it didn't take her with it.  
It couldn't take her though, not now, and not from him. But laying there made Dean realize that the arrangement they'd had before had only been about keeping a distance between each other to protect themselves from something like this. It was way too late for that now. Way too late for how much had changed between them in the last few days.  
Dean turned his head to look at her. It had been a few hours since he'd left and come back, and while he knew she'd been awake at some point because he'd noticed her phone wasn't where he'd left it, she hadn't stirred at all since he'd been back. She hadn't even moved in awhile, but just lay there sound asleep and still.  
_How do I do this without killing you or watching you die?_ The thought plagued him as he watched her for a moment before turning his head back to stare at the ceiling. He couldn't do either, but it seemed that no matter what he might do soon, one was going to happen if not both.  
Manda moved then, and absently tossed her arm over him in her sleep.  
Dean sighed at how it was like an unconscious reassurance from her that it was okay. But it wasn't, because if he killed that demon and she died with it, he might as well have stabbed her instead. Her blood would still be on his hands, and the guilt and heartache to go with it would be there too.  
He hoped it wouldn't end up like the vision of him killing her coldly, because when Dean got close to that demon, there would be nothing kind in him. There would only be the side that got the job done without a question – the ruthless side. He was itching to watch it die for what it had done to her, what it was still doing, what it planned on doing.  
Manda jerked suddenly, pulling her arm away from him then. She gasped loud and hard as she awoke startled.  
Dean turned on his side to face her, and placed a hand on her arm. All he saw was the look of relief as she gazed at him. "Bad dream?"  
"Something like that," she sighed deeply. It hadn't been a bad dream. It had been the memory playing out again on a loop like it was haunting her, trying to push something forth in her mind that was beyond her. "Find anything useful yet?" She had spotted one of her dad's journals, and hoped there was something, but she knew his answer as she asked – there was nothing in them that would help her now.  
Dean wished he had better news for her, but he didn't. There was no use in hiding it from her either as she still had to know anyway. "No… just a fourth victim that died from having his scars ripped open," he hesitantly answered.  
"Great…" She wondered if that's what she had to look forward to. Her scars had already been ripped open, and it wouldn't take much for the demon to do it again if it wanted to.  
He scanned her eyes only to see the stress, the worry, the hopelessness. "We'll find something, Manda," he said, moving his hand to her waist. "It's only a matter of time before we do."  
Manda sensed the doubt in Dean as he said the words. "You know I don't want to die… but if you can't, then just make sure it's quick. Just tell me you'll end it if that's the only choice left when this bastard comes?" Her eyes filled with tears, but she couldn't let them fall. She knew what she was asking of him, and it couldn't be any easier for him to hear than it was for her to say it, but she had to. She had to know that he wouldn't allow it to torture her anymore if there was nothing they could do to save her.  
Dean's face twitched as he held in the mortified look. Did Manda realize what she was asking him to do? How much it would hurt him even if he could manage to do it? Hell, it'd almost be as bad as killing Sam for how deep his emotions for her went now. She wanted him to kill her if it came down to it, and while that tore into him in a bad way, he couldn't let her see it. He needed to her to believe that wasn't the only choice left. "Hey… you really think I'm letting it go that far?"  
"Please, Dean… quit pretending there's more than a barely visible chance I'm surviving this and just tell me you'll end it if that's what needs to be done. I can't handle what it does for very long, and it'll make me hold until it's had enough of torturing me because that's what it did this last time. And we have nothing… whatever my parents had isn't in their journals." She stared at him anxiously.  
It had made her hold on? Dean wondered if that had something to do with how it killed the people it linked itself to, torturing them past their point of being able to take it, and then leaving them dead when it was done. So maybe they stood a chance if they killed it quickly like he had thought. He propped himself up on an elbow and stared at her. "No, Manda, I won't, because it won't get to do that again." He felt more confident with his theory seeming to make sense now. "It might be small, but there's still a chance, so you stop pretending that dying is the only option here," Dean said roughly before pausing, catching the pleading in her eyes. "And how do you know it's not in one of them?" He hated that she seemed right though, because there'd been nothing to find yet.  
"I just know… my dad… he…" she stumbled with the words and stopped as her voice broke with the pain. The memory surfaced again, and the guilt from that night stung. It always would when she let it be felt. She closed her eyes, hiding what resided in them from Dean.  
Dean watched the painful look take over on her face, knowing that thinking about it hurt. The pain he knew she had from then seemed to be increasing in her, but there was no other choice but to ask, no matter how hard it was for her now. "What about him?"  
"He tried to tell me something before… before he couldn't stay conscious any longer." Manda shut her eyes tighter, holding back the tears that longed to spill out. This wasn't the time to cry, she could cry her heart out if she was still alive when it was all over. She shoved the tears back down and tried to muster up a braver, stronger front now.  
It was obvious to Dean how raw her old emotional wounds were now, and how hard it was getting for her to hide them. He softly stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. "Do you have an idea what he might have said or maybe if he mentioned something before that day?" he asked softly.  
"No, all I know is that he said was there was something I had to do if it came back, but he didn't get to tell me what that was," she paused, and opened her eyes. "I wish I knew…"  
It was obvious her father had known something, and Dean hoped to hell and back and beyond that it was in the journal somewhere, but probably being like his dad, it would be one of those things he'd kept to himself. He'd already noticed the similarities upon going over her dad's journals, and how they resembled his dad's one in a creepy way at times.  
But he knew Manda was beating herself up to figure it out now and that the more she thought about, the more likely it was she'd only end up getting pissed off from frustration. "How about getting distracted for a little?" he asked, changing the subject.  
"I could do with getting out of this room for awhile." Manda sat up. It was true, but there was something she wanted to do, somewhere she needed to go now.  
Dean scowl was small. He didn't want to take her anywhere right now. "Not what I had in mind… but are you sure you're up for going anywhere?"  
Manda stood up, stretched carefully since her back was throbbing, and winced at the pulling from the stitches in her back. "Yeah."  
He saw the wince and knew her back had to be hurting her, but she wasn't complaining about it. "Want to grab a drink, take a drive maybe?"  
She turned, looked at Dean. He wasn't going to be pleased when she told him what she had in mind. "No… and you're not going to like where I want to go," Manda answered.  
"Where?" It took a split second for Dean to work it out. Then his brows furrowed, his jaw tightened, and he glared at her. He knew exactly where she wanted to go and nothing good could come of it. "Damn right I don't like it, Manda," he said harsh and loud. "No freakin' way. You can just sit your ass back down if that's where you think we're going now."  
"You either come with me or I find a way to slip out of here and go anyway." Manda posed the choices at him in a hard tone and with a look to match it. "I don't want to go by myself, but I will if I have to, Dean." Her stubborn streak was kicking in as she turned away again and dug out a few pills that would dull a bit of her physical pain. She swallowed them with a sip of bottled water, and went to dig out a few weapons, knowing he'd go with her.  
Dean stood up, walked over to her, and grabbed her by a wrist. He turned her to face him. "You're sure about this?" He hated the idea of her going there, but there was no way he could let her go on there alone, or change her mind. She had that just try to stop me look about her now, and he knew she'd fight him with all her strength if he tried to, which made her a pain in his ass right now. This was the last thing he needed – her defiance and stubbornness coming out against him when all he was trying to do was protect her. Why couldn't she just let him do that when most of her actions showed him that's exactly what she wanted?  
"Believe me, I like it even less than you do," she paused, looking at him. "But I need to go to the spot where I got my parents killed." The need to go there was strong, and come hell or high water, Manda was going there tonight.  
"Why?" He wondered why she was set on going there when he didn't see anything but more heartache for her resulting from it, and how it would be a completely perfect place for the demon to ambush her.  
She stared at him, the resolve to get there one way or another wasn't one she was going to question. "I was dreaming about that night… and maybe going there will make me remember something I've blocked out. What else have I got to lose at this point?" she paused. "And if this wasn't me, I know I'd take the person this was happening to there, wouldn't you?"  
"I would, but it is you." Shaking his head and letting go of her, Dean grimaced. "You're sure that's all you want to go there for? That this demon isn't leading you there so you'll walk straight into a trap? 'Cause with how the damn thing's been screwing with you, it would make sense." He stared in her eyes, needing to know that wasn't what this was, because if it was then there was absolutely no way she was leaving this room tonight.  
"It's not, but if it is then it's a good thing you're going with me." Manda finished arming herself then, grabbing her holy water flask as the last item she needed. "Bastard's going to come around no matter where I go, and you can't keep me hiding in this room forever, Dean. But if there's anything I've forgotten or have any hope in remembering what my dad was trying to tell me, then being in that place will bring it to the surface."  
"Manda…" he groaned. He had a bad feeling about this, but she was right. Damn stubborn and difficult, but right. "If anything feels wrong there, we're leaving. No if or but or trying to ditch me. I won't hesitate to cold clock you if that's what it takes to get you out of there. You either stick with me or you just stick to this room."  
"I'm sticking with you. And sorry I'm being such a pain in the ass right now, Winchester." She smirked.  
"You're a major pain in the ass sometimes, Chambers. But there's one thing I need to check before we go." He needed to see that she was fit to fight, because if she wasn't then they weren't going anywhere until tomorrow.  
"What's that?" Manda asked curiously.  
Dean grinned as he made a fast move against her and found she was ready for it by blocking it. The rest had done her some good, and while she wasn't as sharp as he would have liked right now, it would do. "Good… just needed to make sure you won't rely on me to do all the fighting if we get ambushed."  
Punching him a bit hard instead of playfully in the arm, Manda rolled her eyed jokingly. "I'm relying on you to keep my ass safe, Dean."  
Dean chuckled as he rubbed his arm just for the dramatic effect. "Guess I'll just have to keep it in sight at all times then."  
"Don't you always?" she laughed. "Ready to go?"  
Putting on his jacket and making sure he had the knife, Dean nodded. "You're certain you can handle going there? That you need to do this?" He had to make sure, because she had been through enough today without returning to a place that was bound to bring out bad emotions.  
"I appreciate your concern, honey. It's sweet. And I'm sure… besides, what can go wrong when I've got the notorious Dean Winchester at my side looking after me?" She smirked confidently at him before heading for the door.  
"First mistake… you asked that question," he teased, following her out the door. But things usually went wrong for him, and he was learning it wasn't much different for her.  
Manda stopped in front of him, turned, grabbed a hold of his open jacket and pulled him to her. "Regardless of what happens, thanks for everything, Dean." She kissed him hard and deep then, like it was the last time she ever would, because for all she knew it could be. She wished it wasn't, but there was that chance it was. "But if it goes wrong and I'm done for, just get the hell out of there," she whispered, hugging him tightly.  
Dean wondered if she had the same bad feeling he did about this. "Nothing's happening, but if it does, don't worry about me… just fight like hell, babe," he said in a low tone, and held her a little tighter than he normally did.  
"I love you," she said softly, allowing the emotion to fill her voice now instead of blurting it out like she had the first time. She wanted him to hear it the way it was meant to be said just once, just in case.  
He knew he should say it back. She deserved to hear it at least once, and when this was over, Dean decided he'd find a way to get out the words. Letting her go and cupping her chin in one hand, he smirked. "Save that girl moment for later, and tell me then, better yet, show me."  
Manda could see the unspoken words in his eyes. His love for her was evident for a second. He couldn't say it, but it was there, and while a part of her wished he'd say the words just once, she wouldn't push for it. Seeing it was enough for her. "I'll do both later." She grinned for his sake before they both went to get in the Impala.  
Dean called Sam, wanting him to come with them, but discovered he had gone out with Church. He knew waiting for them would be the safer bet, but Manda was ready to go now so he just told him what they were going to do.  
Things seemed to be going wrong already, but Dean shoved down his worry and smirked awkwardly at his girl who had to be filled with same uneasiness he was.  
Their eyes met to release and reflect a shared thought as they left hotel's parking lot. _Please don't let this be a mistake…_


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still reading at this point then you must know it's about to get intense... finally time for hunters and a demon to face off.

Pulling up to where Manda had directed him to, Dean parked the Impala and gazed out the windshield at an industrial building that appeared to be empty. "So this is where it happened?"  
"Yeah," she quietly answered. Her hand on was the handle of the door, but she was reluctant to open it. The memories were too strong now and her emotions weren't far behind.  
Dean could see her discomfort and was reminded of the time he'd gone home when he'd swore he never would again. Being here was probably similar for her. "You gonna be okay to do this?"  
She shrugged. "I'll get back to you on that one."  
"If you've changed your mind just say so, Manda." He knew it hurt to be here. She'd gotten so tense that he was sure if he were to touch her unexpectedly she would strike automatically in response.  
"We're here, pointless to back out now." Backing out seemed even more absurd to her now than believing she'd been ready to face this.  
He opened his door, and had one foot out when her hand gripped tightly on his arm. Dean turned his head to look at her. "What?"  
Manda wanted to tell him to turn the car around and go, but couldn't. She had dragged him out here insistent to do this, and wanting to or not, it still had to be done. "Nothing," she said, letting go of his arm and getting out of the car quickly. It was a false sense of bravery rippling through her that kept her here, because all she wanted to do was run the other way now.  
Dean looked at her oddly, and then got out. She'd been so set on doing this and now that she was here, it was clear she regretted the decision. He walked to the front of the Impala and stood beside her.  
"I've never been back here since that night," she said in a hollow tone. Manda had never wanted to come back. Returning here was probably wrong for so many reasons, but now it was part of the job. A job she'd become.  
"Not an easy thing to do. I've done this once or twice myself, you know." He looked at her realizing just how faraway her gaze was and her voice sounded. It was like she wasn't even here with him.  
The noticeable shiver ran through her, her shoulders bowed with an invisible, heavy weight, one of guilt and pain that Dean knew his own held most days.  
Manda barely heard him as she remembered how she'd come here ready to die years ago. The guilt that had been eating away at her from losing her boyfriend had sent her here that way – stuck on ending the pain. But her parents had paid the price with their lives instead, and the casualty count that night had been more like three instead of two. She'd lost a part of herself with them. Who she'd been then wasn't who had walked away from what had happened here, or who stood here now.  
Dean put his arm around her when her head leaned against his shoulder softly. If it was up to him they'd be driving away from here, but he knew it wasn't. "You don't have to do this. Say the word and we'll go." His eyes scanned around, his hunter instincts on high alert. If something was coming, he was ready for it.  
_How did I let it come to this?_ Manda took a deep breath as the thought ran through her head. The demon had been right, her parents had died for her to end up this way, and that cost had been a waste. It should have been her instead of them.  
"Manda?" Dean shook her gently to snap her out of the daze she was in.  
Raising her head and pulling away, Manda smiled uncomfortably. "No… I do. We're going in."  
"Haven't had enough today have you?" He headed to the trunk to pull out some flashlights and a couple more items.  
Manda followed him. "Nothing different here just because I'm in the middle of it, this is still what we do. But if I lose it in there, just get me back to the hotel."  
Dean handed her a flashlight before he grabbed a few more things out of the trunk. "It is… and I will. But remember, there's no need to prove to me how tough you are."  
"You just remember I'm a hell of a lot more stubborn than tough… and keep a watchful eye on my doomed ass, Dean." Her eyes were furiously gazing into the night, watching for anything. The hair on the back of her neck was already standing, but that was more from her discomfort at being here than anything else.  
Chuckling as they headed for the building, Dean looked around cautiously again. "Not a problem, Chambers. Just keep it near me and you'll be fine." He smirked as he met her eyes. The doubt was there, but he hid it down deep.  
Entering the abandoned building after picking an uncomplicated lock, Dean followed her lead. He wasn't even sure what this building had held, but it was empty and he could it tell it hadn't been abandoned too long ago. The "for lease" sign was outside of it when they had pulled up.  
Manda was visibly edgy, and Dean noticed how rigid her movements were the further they got inside.  
"This was a stupid idea wasn't it?" Manda asked, coming to a halt.  
"You've had better ones, and I've regretted agreeing to better ones too." Dean looked around, wondering if the electricity still worked. He found a switch on the wall and headed to it.  
Manda followed a few steps behind, knowing she had to stick close to him. He'd protect her if something happened or if she froze on the spot.  
Flicking the switch, the lights overhead came on. "At least something's going right," he muttered.  
Spinning around on her heels and looking at the room, Manda went as stiff as a statue. This is where it had happened, where she'd lost so much.  
"It'll be tough, but you need to talk me through what you remember about that night. It's what you'd ask someone in your position to do." Dean reached out to click off the flashlight in her hand, and then rested his hand over hers briefly. "Maybe I'll figure something out that way, but if you can't handle being here, we'll leave."  
She nodded, and looked at him. He was right, she'd ask the same of someone else if this wasn't her. "Okay… and I'll try not to lose it on you, but this hurts." She drew in a sharp breath and closed her eyes. It was then that the heat soared through her and the voice echoed in her head.  
_Returning to the scene of your greatest mistake is a bit predictable, Manda… but I knew you'd come running here after dreaming of your memories. You came to here to die once, and this time we'll get it right._  
This couldn't happen – not here, not now, not again. Manda reached for Dean as her knees tried to give.  
Dean was just starting to lay a large circle of salt when he felt her grab the back of his jacket. "Manda?" He dropped the salt in order to steady her, and felt the heat radiating from her. "Goddamn it," he growled. His eyes searched for what might be near as he braced her against him. This was a mistake, but she'd insisted on coming here, they should have waited for Sam to come with them.  
She felt dizzy, but her head cleared enough for a moment. "You-you were right… it-it's a trap… I'm sorry," she stammered in terror. It was a mistake to come here – she'd made the same mistake again. The fear settled in quick knowing this was it, she would die tonight.  
His grip on her remained tight. "Can you walk, run?" he asked, ignoring her apology. He needed to get her out of here, or at least as close to that as he could.  
"I'll try." Manda felt weak, but there was no time for that. She shoved the fear aside and put all her effort into finding her legs.  
Dean let go of her when she stood straight up. "Let's go." His voice was short and hard.  
The heat coursed through her again, and she fell to her knees. "Dean," she cried out.  
_Dean, Dean, Dean… he's of no use to you now._  
Footsteps approached with menacing laughter.  
"Come on!" Dean wanted to reach for her, but he couldn't. He went for the salt only to find it slid out of range fast. And seeing Manda brought to her knees so quickly had him enraged. His fiercely protective side was in overdrive now as he reached for the knife.  
Fighting through it, Manda clambered to her feet. She'd made the mistake of coming here again. As long as she could get up, there was no way she was staying down, not when she'd dragged Dean here out of sheer carelessness. "Go, Dean. Get out of here." It didn't matter now if it took her down, but she wouldn't take him with her.  
"Hell no," he gritted as a man came into sight. There was no way he was leaving her here alone, not a goddamn chance of it.  
"If it isn't Romeo and Juliet of the hunters." The demon had a demented grin as it flashed its black eyes. "And I thought her parents were a combo meal, but a Chambers and a Winchester… that's epic for so many Shakespearean reasons."  
This was the demon, there was no mistaking otherwise. The evil pull in her was strong, as if it were calling her to him. "You've never heard the hunter's version of the tale I take it. Where they gank a demon, continue to hunt and take out more of them, and have some hot sex in between. That sound about right, Dean?" She had to resort to her usual tactic for dealing with a demon in order to maintain her cool even if inside she was seething with fear mixed with rage. The will to fight was rising in her fast though.  
Dean smirked, appreciating her ability to bounce back despite what was happening. It was giving her hell, and as long as she was able to, he knew she'd give it right back. "Only thing wrong was that it's a lot of hot sex in between ganking evil sons of bitches, but I'll refresh your memory on that after we take this one out." This was one evil bastard though, and as much as he was ready to jump forward to take it out, he knew what would happen. It'd fling him into the wall and start on her right away, so he remained where he was for now.  
"She was never that good with details or else she never would have come here." Grinning, the demon tapped a finger on his temple.  
Manda's face twisted at being hit with a vision. She was forced to watch the demon beating the crap out of her the first time she'd come here.  
Dean's nostrils flared as the anger in him increased. There was no way in hell she'd get far in a fight if it kept this up. This was down to him now. It had to end soon, and he was searching for the best way to make that happen as quickly as possible.  
"I'd stay right where you are, Dean. You know what I can do to her. By the way, how many stitches was that? Or did you just lose count after awhile?"  
He wanted to just ram the knife in, watch the demon die, but it was right. It'd rip open her back again, and proceed to do more damage while fighting him. "You're the one that's not so good with details. You know what I'm capable of… your little mind-freak trick of show-and-tell should have reminded you. And maybe her father sent you back, but I'm not nice enough to let you rot down there again."  
Shaking her head as the vision cleared, Manda smirked. "That barely hurt this time," she lied, her head was spinning but it was bearable. "Not on the top of your game are you? A little worried from knowing you don't get to go home this time around?"  
"You two are kind of cute with all that backtalk. But tell me, Manda… do you really believe he can save you?" The laugher was shrill, wicked, and with the flick of a hand Dean went sailing through the air.  
Her head snapped around to see Dean smack the wall forcefully and hit the ground. She froze for a split second, worrying about him and feeling awful for bringing him here to this. "Now that just pisses both of us off," she muttered, turning her attention back to the demon.  
"Son of a bitch," Dean groaned. He was a good distance away from her now, and that didn't sit well with him. She needed him and the knife. He rose to his feet fast.  
Grinning in a darkly twisted way, the man possessed by the demon looked from one hunter to the other. "This is going to be fun," he snickered, flicking a hand again.  
Manda hit an opposite wall hard, barely seeing Dean run towards the demon as she lay on the ground dazed.  
Dean charged, ready to waste the damn thing. He couldn't pay attention to where Manda had ended up and just focused on the demon. He was a step away when he was flung back again, and found himself pinned against the wall. There was no way to protect her now, and his blood was boiling at the thought of it.  
_I'm at the top of my game, and this is one you won't win. Haven't you figured that out, Manda? This is a win-win for me and a double loss for you._  
The heat was scorching, the pain increasing, and the urge to pass out was strong once the voice was done, but she fought through it. Her hand went for the holy water flask, clutching it tight, flicking the lid as she staggered to her feet and the demon approached. "That's the top of your game… the best you've got? Pinning Dean to the wall, trying to weaken me so I won't put up a fight? Maybe last time I let you beat the crap out of me, but this time you don't get that advantage." Her eyes darted frantically to Dean. She had to make her move, get him freed just long enough to finish this with the knife.  
"Just getting started… and I won't be as pleasurable as Dean was the last time you heard that line."  
The damn thing had been raiding her mind, picking things out of it. "And I won't put out as easily for you as I do for him." Manda tossed the holy water at the demon as it got close enough, and started to speak the Latin words of the exorcism rite.  
Dean smirked, that was his girl – fighting with what she had. The hold on him broke, and he dropped to his feet, running as fast as he could to help her now.  
Smoke sizzled from the man, he sneered in disgust, and his eyes went black and hard.  
Manda watched as the hand flicked, and Dean flew through the air again. He'd been right there, the knife an inch away, and now he was on the opposite side of the room again. _Oh shit... how to do this alone?_ Her lips failed to get out more Latin as she froze with the thought and fear.  
Dean had hit the wall harder this time. His head was foggy, and he was pinned again. He'd almost had the bastard this time, but almost wasn't good enough. Almost wouldn't save her.  
"Now that he's out of our way, how about we attend to this unfinished business?" The demon's look was twisted, dark.  
There was no wit or sarcasm in her grasp, just panic. Glancing at Dean, she knew she had to find it. "It was finished, but your sorry ass came back for more."  
"It was never finished, but daddy dearest didn't get to tell you that." It lunged forward.  
But Manda was ready to fight with all the rage within her. She kicked the hardest she could without hesitation just as the demon came within mere inches.  
Dean could only watch, completely livid that this was happening. He was stuck far away from her, and at least for the moment she was kicking ass, but how long would that last before it took her down for the count? Was he really going to be forced to watch her die this way? The mistake of coming here had been made, and both of them would pay for it unless he could get unpinned. _That's my girl… fight like hell, get him over here and down long enough to free me. I won't miss the piece of shit this time._

___[ - ]_ _ _

Sam and Chuch had gone out to grab a bite to eat, and to take a bit of break. They had brought the journals with them though, and over coffee they had started reading again. They had no idea how much time was left before the demon showed up for Manda, and if there was something to be found, it had to be done quickly.  
Church had been reading when she froze for a moment, and then she shoved the journal across to Sam. "Theory on breaking the link, not a nice once either, but it's more than we've got."  
Sam took the journal and began to read. The theory, however it had been deduced, seemed to make some sense to him. And from what he could tell, Manda's dad knew his stuff, so this would probably work. But there was a major catch – the person the demon was linked to would have to be possessed by it at the time of exorcism. That was the only way he'd figured the person had a fighting chance of surviving, and at breaking the link for good.  
Nobody involved now was going to enjoy finding out how this untested theory went, or if there was even a way to get Manda possessed by the demon again. "I'll call Dean."  
Chuch nodded. This theory had her nervous, it was too tricky, way too tricky for her liking. But if it gave her friend a chance to live, they had to try it.  
Sam called his brother. Dean wasn't going to like this, but it was the best lead they had to go on besides their own theory of killing the demon. Either way would be a risk, one his brother wouldn't want to take because her life hung in the balance, but it already was hanging if they were all honest about it.  
The phone just kept ringing though, and Sam knew something was off. Dean always answered his calls. The voicemail kicked in, so he left a quick message.  
"I'll try Manda," Church said seeing Sam's worried gaze. She pulled out her phone and called her friend, looking at Sam gravely as it went straight to voicemail. "It's off."  
"I don't like this… but we'll give Dean a few minutes to call back," Sam said, packing up what was in front of him.  
"Maybe they're back at the hotel already? She could be sleeping, he could be in the shower… it happens." Church felt the wave of worry wash over her. The demon had a habit of ambushing its linked victims. "We'll check there first…" She tossed some money on the table.  
"If the car's not there…" Sam said, following her out the door.  
"I know, we'll drive by, see if it is, and if it's not we'll find them." Chuch was in the driver's seat and firing up her car.  
Both of them felt the unease though. They knew something was off, but hoped it was nothing as they drove away from the small diner they'd ended up in. 

___[ - ]_ _ _

Dean's phone had been going off in his pocket, but he couldn't move to answer it. _Sam! Oh, Sammy… you'll know something's wrong, get over here and use your weird mojo to keep this douche down so I can kill it._ His eyes were glued, wondering if Manda would hold out that long. She had to, just had to.  
Manda was fighting hard, but was wearing down fast. The demon was relentless in the attack. She'd only ever fought this hard before when trying to get out pain and guilt, and just like then, it wasn't enough.  
She took a few solid blows to the face, and then the demon flung her hard against a wall. Her vision blurred as she staggered to her feet. Down meant out, left you vulnerable, so she got up.  
Dean hated to watch this. It wasn't fair. His jaw clenched tightly. All he wanted was to get loose. She had worked the fight closer to him, but now that was useless. It had flung her away again, and he was still stuck against the wall longing to protect her, filled with anger he couldn't release.  
The demon whistled walking towards her. "Nice to see you finally started taking after your old man."  
"You know what they say about apples and trees… hate to see the rotten excuse you fell from," Manda spit out the words along with some blood. She could taste it in her mouth, feel more of it streaking down her face. "Had to be a real S.O.B. for how warped you are. Did he carve you up like a jack-o-lantern instead of reading you bedtime stories? Roast you like a hog over fire and brimstone for kicks?" It was getting hard to remain standing, and her vision wasn't clearing as fast as she wanted it to either.  
Laughing, the demon turned towards Dean. "Like that vile tongue of hers, Dean? All that spite and sarcasm she hides behind… that remind you of yourself?"  
"I like a girl to use her tongue wickedly." Dean smirked. "Besides, she's right, you've got daddy issues written all over you." His eyes looked her over, somehow she was on her feet, but she wasn't having an easy go of staying that way. But just like before, he knew what was keeping her up, that instinct to stay on her feet until she couldn't.  
_Look at him, wanting to drag me to hell with his bare hands. Do you see that rage? How sweet it is, but so useless for up here… it was put to better use downstairs._  
The heat alone took her down, but the pain was almost intolerable. Gritting her teeth, Manda pushed herself to get up on her knees at least. "Free him then… we'll see how useless it really is."  
The demon got before her, smiled devilishly and backhanded her hard, sending her back down. "We'll get to him soon enough."  
"You goddamn bastard," Dean snarled. He knew what it was going to do now. It would tag-team beat her, attack both physically and mentally just because it could. There was no way she'd survive it either. "How about trying that with someone who's mind you can't screw with by popping in and out of it? You want a dirty fight, I'll give you one."  
Manda spit out more blood, and then was forcing herself up. Her knees wobbled, her body ached, and her vision was blurring too much, the one eye that was swelling shut didn't help either. She wanted to stay down, but damned if she'd let that happen just now.  
Turning his head towards Dean, the demon snickered. "She's not as strong as she wishes, but you've got to admire your girlfriend's fight, Dean. The way she keeps getting up is commendable."  
"Now you're just going to piss her off with using that word." Dean smirked, seeing what she was up to. She was so incredibly stubborn, and for once he was thankful for that. The girl was a definitely a fighter, and stronger than she realized.  
"Ask Dean, it takes a certain kind of man to keep me down… and you're not my type," Chuckling weakly, Manda kicked out one of his knees. The effort was exhausting, but she had to do it.  
The demon sneered as he stumbled forward, then his hand shot up. "You'll be staying down for good soon enough."  
Hitting the ground, Manda whimpered at the pain as the vision hit. Watching her mother fall to this exact spot was something she hadn't seen. She'd only seen the way she had been left in it.  
Dean was fuming. His girl was taking one hell of a beating. His face twitched with rage from having to watch. This was torture. Not being able to stop it, protect her, watching her fall down and get back up to take more abuse while trying to fight back. How the hell was she still getting up? He could see how busted up she was, but damned if his girl wasn't pushing herself to her feet once again.  
Raising herself slowly on her knees and the palms of her hands, Manda was fighting her hardest to do this, but she got up knowing that the next time she went down, she was staying there. But even then she'd move, as long as she could move she would. That had been drilled into her from a young age.  
_Mommy went down right where you are… And where was daddy? Somewhere near where Dean is now?_  
She fell down again. The heat and pain were overwhelming now. She gazed towards Dean, barely making him out. She saw the image of her father instead, where he'd ended up a few feet away from where Dean was stuck, and then everything went black.  
Staring at her, Dean's face went grave. The rage boiled to a point he couldn't take. She was out, or worse, dead. "You evil son of a bitch…" His voice was a mixture of cold hardness and seething rage as he growled out the words. "Killing you is going to be satisfying… so damn satisfying."  
"Surprisingly, she's hanging on… not quite dead yet, but your concern for her is touching." The demon chuckled, turning around to look at Dean, and then letting the hold on him go.  
Dean's feet hit the floor, and while he knew it was wrong, he couldn't stop himself from running. And then he was hitting the wall again, the knife falling from his hand. "I'm all for getting banged against a wall by a chick, but not a demon. That move is getting a little old if you ask me, and it isn't enjoyable either."  
Manda came too, but she knew she couldn't get up. She started to crawl, that was all she could do. _Dean._ Her eyes looked towards him. He was still stuck against the wall, and that just wouldn't do. She reached for a dagger strapped to her ankle, and slowly dragged herself forward.  
"Where do you think you're going? Crawling your way to Dean just like you did to daddy?" The demon mimicked a horror movie monster worthy slash, and his laughter pierced the air with a cold, hard wickedness.  
Screaming at the pain that seared down her back, Manda fell flat against the ground. Her scars had just been ripped open again. She could feel the wetness of blood collecting through her shirt. Then the vision hit, and she had to watch what had happened to her father. "No…" she murmured weakly, curling defensively at the pain.  
The anger was bursting in Dean. She'd gotten the holy hell kicked out of her and now it was going to start with this? He knew what it had done, the way she went down screaming left him with no doubt - it had just slashed open her back again. She wouldn't last for long now, he was going to watch her die. If only it'd let him free now, there was no way he'd be able to control himself. He'd attack with a ferocious rage and not think twice about it.  
Manda groaned as the vision left her. Everything hurt, and there was no reason to question it, she knew was slowly dying. "You want to kill me…" she shouted in a shaky voice. "Then just get it over with."  
"Didn't pay attention again… didn't you hear what I told your old man? How I'd come back and turn his sweet little girl into the very thing she hunts by wearing her pretty skin suit for awhile."  
"No!" Dean yelled. "No matter what, don't you dare give in to that, Manda." He struggled under the hold even though it was useless. No way in hell it was doing that to her, no frigging way. _Where in the hell are you, Sammy? She needs your freaky demon mojo, and so do I. Goddamn it… this can't happen._  
Everything was getting fuzzy, but she was hanging on. There were only two reasons for her to now. One of them was Dean. As long as he was here, she had to keep fighting. The other was that one way or another, this had to end to tonight. This demon was going down even if it took her down first. "Screw yourself… you've already had one free ride too many."  
"Fighting it every step of the way… how much more do you think she can take? What'll make her give into me, _Dean_?"  
"She'll hang on long enough to watch you die." Dean hoped that she would. She had to hang on, Sam would be here soon. He knew it, but he also knew what would make her give in – him. The demon had said his name with that taunting tone, knowing it too.  
It mimicked another slash that would have made Freddy Krueger proud for how hard, fast, and just plain evil it looked with the crooked fingers and the twisted grin on his face.  
Dean's eyes stayed on her. The sadness and regret was there, along with the pain and the guilt. Everything he'd said had been wrong; he couldn't get her out of this. His girl was dying before him, and he was helpless to stop it.  
The agony filled scream tore through her. Manda knew it had just torn open the marks even more, she'd felt her flesh tearing open further, deeper too. The pain she was in now was past her breaking point, and she just wanted it to end. Things were getting so unclear as she lay there on the ground trying her hardest to stay conscious.  
_It can all end. The pain will be gone if you'd just take off those rings around your neck. But if you haven't had enough, I can get started on Dean now. Would you like to watch him die here just like your parents did?_  
She was just slumped there on the floor, and Dean wasn't even sure she was still conscious at this point. How did it come to this? This was torment, knowing Manda was almost dead and having to be witness to her end this way. Her scream echoed in his ears, he'd never forget it. _Come on, Chambers, get up. Just let me know you're still hanging on…_  
The demon smirked smugly at Dean. His dark laugh pierced the air. "Looks like I hit the jackpot by going after the weak spot."  
Manda had become completely rigid at the demon's threat of killing Dean. She wouldn't let that happen, couldn't let it happen. If it was her or him on the line, Manda was choosing herself. Even knowing Dean could endure whatever the demon did to him for awhile, she just wouldn't stand for it. She was already too weak, and there was only one thing left to do now. She would give up her life to save him in this spot where her parents had done it for her. History always repeated itself eventually.  
"She's fading fast… slipping away a little more with each second while you hang around doing nothing, Dean. Some boyfriend you turned out to be… guess she picked the wrong brother," the demon chuckled, mocking him.  
"No, she didn't… and I'll show you just how wrong you are about that if you'd let me loose." His voice was full of spite, fury, and was completely cold, matching his mood. _Damn it, move, Manda… just move. I need to know you're not gone yet._  
Finally finding the strength to move, and reaching for the rings around her neck, Manda whimpered at the pain. She didn't want to do this for one reason only, but it was what the demon wanted, the only choice she had left, and it would give Dean the moment he needed to just act. She hoped he'd remember what she had said about dying before letting something happen to anyone else this way. He would understand the choice then, no matter of how much it would hurt him afterwards. "You want me you son of a bitch… then come get me… but it's the last thing you'll ever do."  
"No, Manda! No!" Dean yelled. He saw her fingers on the rings and knew what she was up to. She was giving up herself for a reason he wasn't sure of. Maybe it was him, maybe it was the pain, or maybe it was just to give him the second to act. Whatever it was for, it was wrong. He just needed her to hang on for a few more minutes. "Don't do it…"  
The darkness was looming, closing in now, and she was completely drained. "I'm sorry, Dean… so sorry, baby," her voice broke. The tears fell from her battered eyes and stung the cuts where the punches had split the skin open on her face. He'd have to end this for her. She had asked him for that, and if it meant him having to stab her like in the vision she'd had, so be it. But her heart was breaking at realizing how much this was going to hurt Dean, how much pain she'd leave him with. "So damn sorry it's ending this way."  
Everything stopped for a split second as Dean heard her voice. The love she had for him was leaking through her pain. Then he watched as she used what strength she had left to yank off the chain with the rings and let them fall from her hand. "NO!" he shouted in a tone that was so hard and demanding she would have to listen to him.  
_How cute, sacrificing yourself out of love just like your parents did for you._  
Manda groaned as the heat took over like it never had before, and the pain gave way to a kind of numbness as she rolled onto her back.  
The demon smiled at Dean. "Got to love the punch line, Dean…. Manda giving in that quickly faced with the option of watching you die here. That's some love… kind of reminds me of what happened here before. Old habits, people giving themselves up for those they love. But you know a thing or two about that, don't you?" The demon laughed, and then started to flee the body it was in.  
He'd known deep down that the reason was him, but the words still hit Dean with a heavy weight. She was only giving in because the demon had threatened to kill him first. Manda would rather die than to let that happen, she'd said so herself. She was doing this for him, out of her love for him.  
The invisible hold on him dropped, but his feet refused to move. The shock, the realization, all of it kept him completely still, unable to move.  
"It's the only way, Dean. You have to kill it… I…" She screamed just before the demon entered her.  
Dean watched the black smoke enter her, and he went for the knife, but his hand shook as he picked it up. He was going to have to kill her. Kill this girl he loved but had never worked up the nerve to tell. _I should have told you… goddamn coward, just like now… how the hell can I kill it knowing you're in there too?_ Just thinking about what he had to do now hurt only like a few other things did deep inside him. _Oh god, Manda… I can't do this… I love you._

____[ - ]_ _ _ _

____Checking the hotel's lot near Manda's room revealed that only her Chevelle was parked there. The Impala wasn't back, and another phone call to Dean had gone unanswered.  
Chuch peered at Sam in the same curious gaze he was wearing. "They went to where her parents were killed?"  
"She made him take her there in order to try and remember something." Sam knew it, something had gone seriously wrong. Dean would do what he could, but Sam knew it wouldn't be enough. They should have waited for him, or should have told him what the address was at least, but no, both his brother and the female hunter were too stubborn that way sometimes. Both of them were just too damn headstrong for their own good sometimes, like right now.  
Pulling back out of the lot, Chuch asked, "Where is that?"  
"He didn't say…and you don't know where it happened either, do you?" Sam was dialling another number, one where he could get that information easily.  
"No… but we can sure as hell find out." Chuch kept one hand on the wheel, and was dialling into her own cell phone with the other. "Damn Manda and her secrets…" she muttered.  
There was no doubt in either of them now. Both knew that the other two hunters had been ambushed, and both of them were hoping they wouldn't get there too late._ _ _ _


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: You've reached that point - it's Dean against a possessed Manda. Can he really save her? Or will he have to watch her die?  
> Things will be getting a whole lot worse... and maybe a little heartbreaking if you have liked them together. Hope you are enjoying the story so far, and how it's about to go.

Dean could only watch as Manda rose to her feet effortlessly. Beyond her, the body of the man the demon had come in lay immobile on the ground. He wasn't even sure if that guy was even alive, but at this point it didn't matter. His attention had to stay on Manda right now, waiting for whatever the demon in her was going to do. But his feet were unable to move at the moment, and his right hand gripped the knife tight enough to drain all the blood from his knuckles. _How could you say killing it is the only way when that means killing you too?_  
The black that belonged to the demon took over in her eyes, making them empty and devoid of anything that resembled those of the woman he'd fallen for. The smile was demented, but strangely sweet. It just wanted to taunt and remind Dean of how it shared her body now.  
As if it hadn't put Manda through enough already with the beating it had given her, it would now play marionette with her, making her body go through the motions, using her voice. But this wasn't her. His girl was in there, but she was nowhere near the surface.  
It wasn't her standing before him. That's what Dean had to keep telling himself now, but who was he trying to kid? That simple lie wasn't going to make this easier. As long as it was in Manda's body that was enough reason not to kill it, to think fast on his feet and to find her a way out of this now. There had to be a way. He wasn't prepared to watch her die, or to be the one to kill her. Ending up with her blood on his hands just wasn't an option for him.  
Her gaze went to the knife before going back to his face. "Please don't kill me, Dean," the demon in her pleaded in a mocking tone, and then flashed a playful grin at him.  
Dean's jaw clenched tightly, the anger surged in him. It was using her smirk. The playful smirk Manda would toss at him when she was teasing or challenging him. All that it had gotten wrong was that it called him Dean instead of Winchester. That was how she would have done it, and it only reminded again that he wasn't about to talk to her. "Funny, you sound a hell of a lot like her, but I think it's your sorry son of a bitch ass saying that instead of Manda."  
"No, I'm pretty sure your girlfriend is the one screaming that right now. But then again, you can't hear the pathetic cries that I can." The grin on her face was dark as her eyes returned to normal. "Dean, please… don't you love me?" Her face took on a look of heartbreak and pain as she walked towards him. "Baby, please… don't do this to us… or to me," her voice broke with the plea.  
The words had him frozen on the spot as his mind flashed back to this morning when he'd heard her speak similar ones, and how they had ended with three difficult words to say – I love you. Had that really only been this morning? It felt like longer than that to him with how much had happened since then. Now it was using her memories, twisting them for him, or maybe it had been linked to her mind all along. He wasn't sure, but it's not like it mattered at this point, all that mattered was saving her now.  
Dean's fingers clutched even tighter around the knife. He ached to ram it into the demon, but as much as he wanted that, he just couldn't do it. Stabbing Manda was unimaginable, no matter if that was what she wanted. Why had she thought he could do this to her? _Make it quick… end it if that's the only choice? Yeah right. I know you're suffering, but you know I can't do this to you, don't you?_  
"Cat's out of the bag for how it caught your tongue. And to think Manda longed to hear you say those three words just once. Such a heartbreaker you are, Dean. The girl sacrifices herself in order to save you, and you still can't tell her how you feel?" She stopped a few steps in front of him. "But that says a whole lot more about how you really feel, doesn't it? Looks like she gets to die knowing you didn't love her after all."  
Dean felt the sting of regret dig deeper into him for not being able to tell her. While demon's lied, sometimes they told the truth, and this one was going to mess with his mind real good now by using things from Manda's against him. But she knew, he was sure that she knew he loved her too even if he hadn't said it. "You son of a bitch," he snarled.  
"That's no way to talk to your girl, Winchester." The laughter was wicked as she struck him with solid right hook to the face.  
He ignored the punch he'd taken. The demon was just going to push him, edge him on to attack her. "You're not her," Dean spit out the words. He hated this, but he needed to keep it talking though, just long enough for Sam to show up. _Sam._ He'd been through this with Sam before when Meg had possessed him. And enough other demons too. There'd been no knife back then, and he did have a holy water flask in his pocket, the salt was still on the ground but out of reach. It wasn't much, but it was something, and he knew he just needed to find or create the opportunity to use both. Neither would hurt her, but they would hurt the demon in her at least. _I'll get you out of this yet… all you gotta do is hang on in there, Manda._  
"Manda knew you'd never get her out of this, Dean. That you'd fail her… Ever think about why she never wanted to ask you for more? She knew you'd only let her down, but the girl just couldn't help herself… falling for someone as tragic and sad as she is even while knowing that you'd never be able to give her what she wants… what she needs." She gave him a stiff blow to the stomach then, followed by another to the face.  
Taking the hits, Dean felt he deserved them for failing to protect her. Hadn't he told her he would get her out of this? That he wouldn't let it get this far? How wrong he'd been there. And now he could only wonder how many mistakes they had made to get here, and what would be left when this was done.  
The words were more painful than the punches though. The demon was raiding her mind for what it could use to taunt and push him, knowing how much some things would hurt to hear, and leaving him even more unable to do this now. It was probably confident he wouldn't attack her, and while that worked to his advantage, his own reluctance to hurt her cancelled it out.  
Manda's body or not, Dean knew he'd have to fight back sooner or later if he wanted to fight to save her from this. He was going to have to hurt her. There wasn't much else in a way of a choice right now. _Sorry, babe… you can kick my ass for this when this is all over, I'll let you throw as many hits at me as you want…_  
Staring at her battered face, he felt even worse about what he was about to do. "Maybe my girl gets a little bitchy towards me sometimes, but she's only cruel to demonic asshats like you," Dean uttered, and then threw a hard left hook to her face. He watched as she stumbled back, and he pocketed the knife, and reached for his holy water filled flask quickly.  
"Smacking your bitch around? I didn't know you liked it so rough with your women, Winchester." Her laughter was hard, evil, and nothing like the one Dean was used to. It was pure demon. "Was that satisfying? I did enjoy doing it to her myself." The black took over her eyes again, and then she kicked hard and high, her foot meeting Dean square in the ribs.  
Dean groaned as he hit the wall behind him. He'd wondered how hard her kicks were before, but now he knew they didn't just look like they hurt, they damn well did, demon inside her or not. He realized he'd dropped the flask, and panicked for a second, but knew he needed to get it.  
Having to fight her now would be even worse than having been forced to watch her getting her ass kicked before, and that was exactly what this demon wanted him to do. What a twisted son of a bitch this was, and he wondered what the hell it was up to by making this happen. "Manda, I really don't want to do this… but there's not much choice," he whispered just before he threw her a few good punches. He kept them low, going for her stomach, and made sure none were hard enough to do much damage, but they managed to get her down. He grabbed the holy water without pausing and tossed a bit on her.  
She groaned and the demon on her recoiled as she sizzled. The stream rising off her cleared. "Manda's bawling her sad little eyes out, Dean. She always knew this is the real you, cold, heartless… You're doing fine job of killing your joke of a relationship… and her." Her hand shot up, and Dean flew into the wall.  
It was hitting all the right buttons, going for what would hurt the most. But Manda had never thought of him that way, at least that's what Dean believed since she'd told him earlier that wasn't how or who he was. He couldn't doubt that, she'd said it, not like this which came from some demon inside her.  
He was on the ground, and just starting to rise to his feet when she grabbed him by the collar, and then got over him to keep him down.  
Manda punched him in the face a few times. "She's barely hanging on in here. You should hear her screams… I don't even have to close my eyes to know it reminds me of hell. I'd almost swear you were carving her to bits and pieces on the rack."  
"Get out of her, you son of a bitch," he demanded in loud, cold tone. Then Dean threw more holy water on her. He got on his feet when she scampered backwards. He realized then the flask was empty now, and he didn't have much left to work with. _The salt, the salt will hold her until Sam comes._ He ran for it, and then found himself smacking the wall hard on his side. He reached for the knife as he hit the ground. The demon in Manda hadn't bothered to keep him pinned, and Dean shot to his feet as he heard her footsteps approaching him.  
"Why don't you put that down, honey? We both know you're not going to stab your girlfriend…" Her shrill laughter pierced the room with a wicked echo.  
It was right. How could he stab her body knowing she was still in there? That'd be the last moment he'd ever have with her, and it wasn't one Dean wanted to share with her. How did it ever get to this point? It'd gone so far past what he'd wanted it to, so far past what he'd told her he wouldn't let it amount to.  
Placing her hand on his wrist, Manda laughed as she took his hand with the knife in it and pressed the tip of it to her side. "Does this make it easier for you?"  
_Easier?_ What a bastard this was. Dean's face twitched from his fury. He put all his energy into keeping his hand still, because if he didn't, one wrong move would kill Manda. But the damn thing wasn't suicidal; it just knew he couldn't do this.  
Her hand left his wrist. "Can't do it, Dean? Not strong enough to just finish me off even though she asked you for it. Manda's begging for it right now… begging you to kill me, to kill her, but you just can't you do it, can you?"  
Stuck between a rock and a hard place like always, there wasn't much of a choice Dean could see here. He could either let it continue or he had to stop it. How much longer could he wait for Sam when he knew Manda was suffering through this? But watching it do this to her wasn't any better for him either. If the demon was going to kill him first, he wished it would do it already instead of just taunting him this way.  
He stared at her. She was in there somewhere, and now she had to know how he sorry he was for the move he was about to make. "Sorry, Manda…" He slashed her quickly with the knife, making sure he didn't go too deep. He didn't want to kill her, but this was all he could do to get the demon to back off a bit, and to buy her a little more time.  
The power the knife held caused the demon in her to flicker and spark a little, and in that moment Manda stumbled backwards. Her eyes lost the blackness, and she started to fall.  
"Do it, Dean," Manda pleaded once she hit the ground. Her swollen eyes glistened with tears. "It'll kill me anyway... you too, if you don't… just end it… please." Her voice broke with the heartbreak of knowing it had to be done, knowing what she was asking for now.  
Dean didn't believe it, she was pleading for an end. The end of the demon, and the end of her, but he couldn't give it to her. Seeing her, hearing her, there was no way he could bring himself to do it. This just couldn't be the way that things ended, he wouldn't accept it. He wasn't going to stab her and watch her die, or hold a lifeless version of her one last time when this was done. There was no way in hell he was losing her to this when all she had to do was hold on a little more until Sam showed up. He knew Sam was coming, he had to be. "No… just hang on a little longer," he pleaded in return with her.  
"I can't… hold it off… too weak to hold it for much longer…" Manda stammered with the words and her thoughts. She was trying to stay there, but the demon was too strong and she was too weak to keep fighting it off inside her. "Dean, please… I'm done... kill it, regardless," she begged him in a whimper. She was losing this fight, the demon was rising to the surface now inside her.  
"No, I-I can't… I love you," he blurted out. This wasn't the way she was supposed to hear it, but it had just come out. He just hadn't been able to hold it back, it had just rolled off his tongue and out from behind his lips.  
Her eyes went black again. "Aw, baby… you finally work up the guts to tell her and she's not around to hear it. Too bad that was your last chance," she said as she got up and her hands went for his neck.  
Dean knew it then, this was a battle he was losing. It would kill him and then her before Sam and Church showed up. There was nothing left to do but the one thing he didn't want to do, something he'd never want to remember and would have to carry the pain and guilt around from until his own demise. He wasn't even sure he could do it, but this was the only choice now that he could see, and it tore him apart inside.  
He punched her hard, grabbed on to her with his left hand and pulled her closer, and then pulled back his right arm to thrust the knife into her. "I'm sorry, baby… so sorry it came to this," Dean's voice broke as he whispered, hoping Manda could hear him. His throat tightened, and the tears burned as they rose from deep inside. His arm shook before it went forward, the knife so tight in his hand it was like it was a part of him.  
"Dean, don't!" Sam shouted harshly as he ran closer. He and Church had arrived a few minutes ago and had hurried inside unsure of what they'd find. But whatever he had thought they would find hadn't been this. If it had come to this, he knew what it meant – Manda was possessed.  
"Stop, Dean!" Chuch shrieked, not believing what she was seeing right now. The knife in Dean's hand was in Manda's side.  
The tip of the knife had just pierced the surface of Manda's skin when Dean heard Sam, and it caused his hand to freeze where it was. If it had been anyone else doing this, the knife would have plunged further in, but all the years of training and his quick reflexes gave him the strength to stop instantly.  
"Sam?" Dean's rough but shaky voice called out. The relief flooded in him, but he couldn't move, couldn't even flinch right now. The demon started to flicker and spark within her, and her body started to shake, so he quickly removed the knife from where it was. He slipped it into his pocket, and got a better hold on her since her body had gone fairly limp. Then the horror of the situation sank in. The realization set in that he had almost killed the female hunter he now loved, because if Sam had shown up a second later it would have been done. He had no idea how he'd even been about to do that to her, how he'd even thought for a moment that was the only choice left as his eyes remained locked on her face. "It's about goddamn time you got your ass here, Sammy."  
"Holy shit," Church muttered quietly getting a better look. She took in the battered state of Manda, the partially beaten up state of Dean, and could only wonder what the hell had happened. Then she saw a body in the distance that confirmed the demon had in fact ambushed the two of them here.  
"Dean… I've got it from here. You can let her go now," Sam assured his brother, already using his abilities to hold the demon within Manda still.  
"You found something that'll work?" Dean asked. He hesitated at letting her go, and then took a few steps back, trusting his brother was using his powers on the demon within her.  
Manda's eyes opened, they were black and cold. "It's too late for Manda, Dean… her meat suit is past its expiration date now. Thanks for helping with that." She laughed wickedly.  
The words hit Dean, and he didn't want to believe them, they couldn't be true. She had to be alive still. "Sam, use your powers to put that evil bastard back in the other body now," he demanded in a hard tone. "Then I'll end this by killing this son of a bitch for everything it's done."  
"Dean, it's got to be in her to do this… we can't kill it, we have to send it back," Chuch spoke up. "Her dad's theory… we'll fill you in later, but the man always knew his stuff, trust me on that one," she added, seeing Dean's confused, but furious expression.  
Sam nodded his head in agreement to assure Dean it was what they had to do.  
The demon in Manda laughed. "Look where it got him… look where it gets his bitch of a daughter. Go on, Sammy, send me back… at least I go knowing the last of the Chambers line ends here… and right in the very spot where her parents went." Her smile was smug, satisfied, and completely cruel.  
The irritation and anger were hard to contain, but Dean held it in. "She's not dying… but I'll kill you for this. Even if I have to storm through hell to find you, you rotten son of a bitch. You'll pay for this," his voice was harsh but chillingly collected as he growled the words out. "Sam, do it," he ordered. While he would've rather not have Sam use his abilities this way, if there was the slightest chance it would save her then it had to be done, and he hoped Manda would survive it.  
Sam focused and started to pull the demon out of Manda. It gave him a little resistance but he was stronger, and soon it was doing what he wanted it to.  
Church didn't stick around to watch, she dialled 911 on her cell phone and started running to her car.  
The demon's black smoke trailed into the ground, and Manda's body fell with it just as it finished disappearing.  
Dean was at her side on his knees quickly, and then searching for her pulse. "Manda?" His heart skipped a beat when he found one. It was weak, but it was there.  
"Is she alive?" Sam asked, dropping to her other side.  
"Barely. We've got to get her out of here, Sam, get her to a hospital. It gave her one hell of a fight." Dean knew how horrible the beating had been, and he didn't even want to know what her back looked like right now. It was probably shredded for how awful her scream had been.  
Church came back with blankets. She put aside her worry for a moment as she looked down at her friend, and then gave the blankets to Sam. "Use those for pressure on wherever she's bleeding from. Got an ambulance on the way… Dean, has she got any weapons on her?"  
Dean nodded. "I'll get them. Go grab whatever she dropped on the ground. And check on that guy. See if he's still alive." His hands were already reaching for what weapons he knew she still had on her, and pocketing them.  
Church set about the task quietly.  
Sam had put pressure on the wounds he could see from where the blood stains on the front of her shirt were, and kept an eye on her breathing. His face was grim as he looked at the blood collecting under her back. She wasn't in good shape, but at least she was hanging on still. "We need to move her, Dean. She's losing more blood from her back than from where you…" he stopped, not wanting to remind his brother what he had done to her with the knife.  
Dean's face held a grave look as he stroked her face softly just once. He didn't want to move her, but Sam was right, they had to get more pressure on her back. "Come on, Manda… you've gotten this far, keep fighting." He wasn't sure she would, but he just had to keep hoping she would.  
Manda groaned. She was barely conscious, trying to come to, and finding it hard to manage that. Her mind felt like it had been ripped apart, and everything hurt. Every single part of her hurt, and then she heard that voice calling her. "De-Dean," she faintly called his name out as she came to. Her eyes opened with a struggle, one barely a slit now for how swollen it was.  
"I got you. I'm here, Manda." He grabbed one of her hands gently, leaned in over her a little closer. He was glad she'd come to, just glad she was still here. He was horrified though. She looked awful, and he tried to conceal his emotions from her. "Hey… there's my girl."  
"That was… a real fun… son of a bitch, huh?" She struggled to get out the words and barely managed a tiny grin to ease the worry she saw on his face, in his eyes. He couldn't mask it, not now, not from her.  
Dean smirked. Leave it to her to say that at a time like now. "Babe… I've got to pick you up a bit, okay? Get some pressure on your back." He didn't wait for a response, and just put his hands and arms where they needed to go.  
Sam went to help him, but backed off when Dean shook his head sternly at him.  
She whimpered as he went to lift her. "It hurts, Dean…" Manda's whispered voice broke.  
He stopped. Manda's bruised eyes had started brimming with tears, and the look on her face told Dean that everything hurt a hell of a lot for her right now. "I know it does, baby… but hang in there, you're doing good… just a little more all right?" He hoped that's all she would do – just hang on. Even if she passed out, as long as she kept breathing it didn't matter. Just that she kept fighting to stay here, and with him.  
Church had picked up the weapons off the ground, and then had checked on the man that was lying there. She could only wonder what kind of fight had occured, because he was pretty beat up too, but he was in better shape than Manda and his pulse was strong even if he was unconscious. She rushed back over to the other three hunters, needing to know that Manda was pulling through. She wasn't ready to lose her friend yet.  
"It's okay… you're okay… that's all that matters, Winchester…" Manda was trying to keep her eyes open, the tears stung though, and not just from the pain, but from the effort as well. But the pain was just too much to take. It was everywhere, coursing unbearably without relief. She was so weak, just too weak to fight it for much longer. Death had been nipping at her ankles, but was now creeping up her legs. She knew there wasn't much time left before it took her away.  
"Hey… you're gonna be okay too." Dean lifted her up carefully and let Sam slip a blanket in behind her to help with the blood, but he didn't put her back down. He lifted her up a little further and cradled her close to him instead. He noticed how limp she felt already, and didn't even want to think that she was dying in his arms right now.  
Sam didn't know what to do. There was nothing he could say, and nothing he could do at the moment. He looked from his brother to Church, who stood nearby bowing her head.  
"Where's the friggin' ambulance?" Church asked no one in particular. She was finding it hard to keep her eyes clear, but she knew her friend was dying. She'd seen this look enough times to recognize it. The tears started to trickle down her face.  
"I got you," Dean whispered when a frail cry that was filled with pain escaped from Manda as he pressed his arm and hand harder against her back where her wounds were. "Just keep holding on, Manda… can you do that for me?" His voice cracked with pain, and he forced down the stinging wetness that was rising in his eyes as he looked down at her.  
She had been beaten to a pulp, taken to the last inch or two of her life, and had probably lost too much blood, was still losing it. She was slipping away from life and from him even though she was in his arms. _Don't you give up on me now... not after all this_ , Dean's mind screamed the thought as he kissed her forehead softly, knowing she needed the small comfort from him.  
She wanted to, wanted so badly to hang on for his sake, but the fight in her was gone. The threatening darkness that was death was enclosing on her. It would stop the pain and the guilt if she just welcomed it instead of struggling against it now. She smiled painfully sad, and felt the sting from fatter tears that rolled down her cheeks at knowing this was it. This was the last moment of consciousness, the last moment she'd ever have, one she was sharing with Dean. If her heart had the strength left to break, it would have then as she looked up at him.  
"You tried… wasn't your fault… I'm sorry, Dean," she barely whispered. Then Manda weakly began to raise her arm with a sudden need to touch him. "I love you," she mouthed more than whispered as her voice was so faint, so weak, it was barely heard by her own ears. Her hand had been about to touch his face, her fingers a mere inch away, and then her arm just fell to her side.  
"I love you too," Dean whispered back, but realized it was too late. Her head had lolled to the side, rolling down and back from his shoulder to her own.  
"M-Manda?" he choked a little on her name as his throat constricted with panic and worry. He turned her head back to him with one hand, searched for her pulse on her neck, but couldn't find it. She felt cold, and there was no movement from her now. Her shallow breathing had stopped, and her chest no longer rose and fell either. His eyes glistened with tears that were beginning to cloud his vision. "No! Don't you do this to me, sweetheart, not now… don't you do this." He pulled her closer to him on instinct, rocking her a little in his fear over losing her.  
The admission from Dean caused Sam's jaw to drop a little, because he never would have said it in front of them unless he wanted her to know before it was too late, but it had been too late, she had slipped away just as the words had started to come out. He placed a hand on his brother's arm. "Dean, put her down so we can do CPR on her until the paramedics get here."  
Chutch turned, unable to watch. She'd seen her friend in bad shape after a few tough jobs, but never like this. Her tears flowed a little quicker, her sobs got a little harder, and she prayed Manda would pull through this even if it seemed beyond hopeless now.  
Dean nodded and laid Manda back on the ground. He started trying to revive her right away, letting Sam help him. "Come on, Manda… stay with me." _Fight like that stubborn girl I fell for would. You don't get to walk away like this… we're still in this together, so come on, babe… get back here so you can hear me say those words this time._ The thoughts were running through his mind as he did chest compressions on her.  
Turning back around, Church watched how hard Dean was trying to bring her friend back to life. Then she heard the sirens getting louder as they got closer, and ran to meet them.  
Sam watched his brother while he helped work on Manda. He noticed the misting in his brother's eyes, and how he was fighting so hard to save her. If she didn't make it, Dean would blame himself for this. He checked her for a pulse, but couldn't find it, and shook his head at his brother who was gazing at him with worried curiosity.  
Manda appeared at Dean's side then, and stared down at her lifeless body. If she was here, and her body was there, she knew what this meant. She was caught on the line between life and death. She looked at Sam and felt the sadness take over her. Then she looked at Dean, watching him working intensely to save her, showing all his worry and his love for her, and she began to cry. But her tears were silent just like she was right now. She reached out to touch him, to let him know she was here, that it was okay, but her hand passed right through him.  
Church rushed in followed by the paramedics.  
"It doesn't end this way, Manda… you aren't letting this happen now, not after everything." Dean was rambling while trying to resuscitate her still, and wishing she would just come back to him. But he feared this was it, that Manda was already gone. Fearing now that when he'd finally gotten her gotten her to be at his side as his girl, he'd just lost her from it for good.  
Sam got up to let a paramedic in to work on her, and then had to pull Dean away so the other one could help out.  
It became a blur as Dean was reluctant to leave her side, but he allowed Sam to drag him to his feet. He barely registered the grim look his brother gave him, or the way Church stood nearby crying softly. He shrugged out the hand Sam had on his shoulder and walked a couple steps away. He hardly heard the paramedics talking and how Sam answered what few questions he could for them.  
He stopped at hearing how Manda was about to be shocked by a defibrillator in an attempt to start her heart again. Staring down at his feet, still forcing a flood of tears to stay in for now, Dean noticed something Church had missed.  
Manda's spirit faded out then, not sure what was happening to her.  
When Dean crouched down to pick up the chain with Manda's parents' wedding bands on it, he took a good look at his hands. He froze and stared down at her blood that covered them. The thoughts of how he had failed to protect her like he had wanted to, how he was losing the girl he loved, and how it should have never come to this were rushing through his mind.  
He never should have brought her here to tempt fate, or to risk her life in the same spot she'd risked it herself years ago. It was a mistake, his as much as hers if he was honest about it. And if she died now, her blood was on his hands both literally and figuratively.  
Dean grabbed the rings, stood up, and closed his eyes tight to stop the tears from falling, but two escaped anyway.  
Gripping the rings he had agreed to take in case this had happened tightly in a fist, Dean turned to look bleakly at Sam who was embracing Church in a deep hug. Then he focused on Manda, his eyes swelled with tears, and then a few more were spilling down his cheeks silently as the thought of how the rings might be all he had left of her now besides his memories hit him.  
Reappearing in front of Dean, Manda saw the pain and sorrow on his face and in his eyes, the weight of guilt and regret on his shoulders, and she longed to hold him now. She wanted to throw her arms around him, and she tried to do it, but it failed to work. Her arms had passed right through him, and she was grasping at the air, and then stifling a sob. "Oh, Dean," the whisper left her lips painfully, her face twisting with sadness, the tears streaking her cheeks.  
Dean gripped the rings harder for a comfort he knew she would have sought out at a time like this if they were still around her neck as he heard one of the paramedics.  
"Still nothing, stopping compressions… go again."  
"I tried... I tried to stay with you… and I want so badly to stay with you, baby, but I fear it's time for me to go now… I love you so much, Dean… more than you'll probably ever know." She smiled heartbreakingly as she reached out to caress his face with pure determination, but disappeared just as she was about to find out if it worked this time.  
Dean watched as they shocked her again, trying in a last effort to get his girl's heart beating as the gentle, silent tears continued to trickle down his face, and in that moment he felt the brush of something on his cheek, almost like a light touch of fingers grazing his skin for a brief second. He gasped, knowing it was possible, knowing that touch had felt just like hers. In barely a whisper, so low under his breath, his voice echoed his thought, _"Don't you leave me like this, Manda… not without knowing that I love you too."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, you knew it wasn't going to go easy for Dean. Maybe not for Manda either... still hanging in the balance. It could go either way here. Does she live or die? Has Dean just paid another price?  
> Hope you liked it, and that I did Dean some justice with how I wrote him in such a time. He probably would have been a little more prepared and quicker to react, but maybe not considering everything.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You will be finding out if Dean has lost the female hunter in this one... and emotions will be running strong. Maybe you'll get a little misty eyed now or maybe not. Enjoy!

As the shock of electricity surged in the attempt to jump start Manda's heart, Dean had watched her body jolt with it, and prayed that it would work this time. But then he watched how one paramedic looked and shook his head at the other.  
They were giving up on her, and were finished trying to save her now. He knew it by the looks they traded, their faces filled with more disappointment than horror because this was something they saw every day.  
Loss and grief were sinking in fast for Dean, and he heard Church let out a buried sob from his brother's chest. His eyes shot to Sam who met his gaze with a deeply apologetic and downcast look. The silent conveyed apology from Sam was somewhat comforting, but it didn't do a damn thing but make this sting a little more, allowing the reality that she was dead sink in even deeper.  
His tear filled eyes darted back to Manda. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. He was supposed to have stopped this from happening, saved her from this demise, but everything had gone wrong. That was a part of the job Dean had never liked, knowing that sometimes there was just no way to stop something like this from happening. But the cost this time, god, this was going to hurt. The guilt and pain were already drowning him, and now Manda was gone. He had lost her, and her blood would forever be on his hands.  
The paramedic checked her one last time for a pulse, and shook his head again at the other. Looking towards the three hunters then, he said, "I'm sorry… there's nothing more we can do."  
Church gripped Sam a little tighter, and sobbed a little louder now. Death caught up to a hunter sooner or later in this lifestyle, but when it was a good friend it hurt. And this hurt her badly, Manda had become more like a sister than a friend over the years, and now she was gone.  
Sam held Church closer as she cried, but his eyes stayed on Dean. Worrying, wondering, and waiting – he knew his brother would snap soon.  
Dean bowed his head for a second at hearing the words. It couldn't be true, and now he had to check it for himself, especially after being convinced that he had felt her touch a moment before. And if she really was gone then he wanted one more moment with her just to say goodbye.  
He charged forward towards her body with his hope, fear, and disbelief. He bumped past the one paramedic that had gotten up and was heading to check on the unconscious man. "No… you don't know her. She's too freakin' headstrong, does everything on her own time and terms," he muttered.  
"Dean..." Sam's eyes widened at watching his brother now. Dean wouldn't accept it, or maybe he just couldn't. But he knew this was somewhat how it would be if he was the one lying there and not Manda. Dean would have to make sure for himself that it was true, and even then he wouldn't quite accept it, that was just the way he was.  
The other paramedic was standing now, and stared at Dean. "Sir, she's gone… there's nothing you can do."  
Dean flashed the best commanding 'shut your frigging cake hole' look he had, and then crouched down beside her. His hand brushed back a piece of her hair from her face, and he choked down the tears as he looked at her. Despite the damage to her face, she looked at peace to him.  
_Come on, Manda… you're too stubborn to go this way… you wouldn't give that bastard the satisfaction of taking you when he took so much from you already, and you definitely wouldn't let him ruin you and me this way either._ His fingers searched her neck determinedly to find a pulse as he silently pleaded with her in his head.  
He pressed a little harder after a second, not sure if he was feeling it right or if he was just imagining it because he wanted to be feeling this beyond all hope and belief. He was almost certain he was imagining it, but it was there – the faint beating of her pulse was in fact under his fingers. The breath caught in his throat, and then he smirked. "That's my girl… as stubborn as they come," his voice held shock, but it also held joy as he said the words out loud.  
Then his head snapped up to look at the paramedic who had said there was nothing he could do. He wanted to yell at him, tell him to learn how to read a pulse properly, but only shot him a look that could have killed if it could yet was somewhat comical because the grin was spreading at knowing his girl was back.  
"Dude, don't just stand there, get her the hell out of here and to the hospital or do I have to show you how to do that job too?" he said in a firm, commanding tone. Manda was alive, barely, but she was still alive and this tool hadn't done his job properly.  
Dean lacked a tolerance for incompetence. To him you either knew how to do your job or you didn't, and when you didn't in his line of work, and much like a paramedic's, it could cost someone their life. And if that incompetence risked the safety or life of someone he cared for, there was no damn way you were getting off easy when dealing with him.  
"I'll drive her in that rig out of here with or without you if I have to." His voice was serious and his expression matched it now as he stared hard at the paramedic. He wasn't joking around and wanted him to know it.  
The paramedic's face dropped, he looked shocked, and then nodded, dropping down instantly to feel Manda's neck. "Jesus… you're right. Pulse is incredibly weak, erratic. It's so weak we missed it… sorry about that," he said apologetically to Dean as he set out getting an oxygen mask on her now.  
"Just get her more stable and out of here quickly, and I'll think about not filing a complaint or two against you," Dean threatened. Not that he would actually do it, but he knew it would get the guy to pay closer attention to her and make him do everything he could to keep her alive now.  
Church turned around from Sam's arms, her tears stopping quickly. "She's alive?" she asked, surprised. But Dean was right – her friend really was as stubborn as they came.  
Sam looked a little stunned, but he'd seen stranger stuff happen, they all had. And then he couldn't help but laugh a little at how Dean seemed to intimidate the poor paramedic who had followed the order he'd been given. His brother could be downright impossible to disobey sometimes if you didn't know him well enough, and right now everything about him said you didn't want to test or cross him.  
The other paramedic rushed back and sort of pushed Dean out of the way as he was getting up. And then he watched as they worked at getting Manda a little more stable.  
He didn't care to see that another set of paramedics had shown up for the unconscious guy, or how the local cops had followed and wanted to ask all of them questions. All that mattered to him now was making sure she pulled through this, because Manda had already fought with everything she had within her to survive, and now she needed to fight a little more to come completely back to him.

[ - ]

It had been twelve hours of waiting so far. Twelve long hours that Dean had spent going over everything that had happened while waiting for Manda to wake up.  
She'd been touch and go for awhile upon arriving at the hospital. It had taken a few hours for them to get her stabilized and to treat her wounds, which he'd been told included a ridiculous amount of stitches in her back compared to only a few in her side.  
After learning that Manda was stable and doing okay, Dean finally gave into being checked out by a doctor him after being harassed by a nurse or two. His injuries were fairly minor though, the worst being a couple of bruised ribs. Other than that, he had nothing more than a couple of bruises, a few scrapes, and some superficial cuts that would vanish in no time.  
Then Sam and Church had persuaded him to go get cleaned up while they waited. He didn't want to leave, but then it didn't take much convincing after looking at himself. His clothes were stained in Manda's blood and he looked like a wreck. Being a wreck didn't matter, but he wasn't about to let her see him covered in her blood.  
So, Dean had headed back to the hotel to get himself cleaned up after Sam reassured him he'd stay with her and would call if something changed. He took awhile to wash away the traces of her blood and a bit of his own, but he couldn't wash away the guilt that was growing inside him.  
It hadn't taken long once he was alone for everything to sink in – what he'd been forced to watch happen to Manda, how she'd given herself up to save him, the things the demon had said while in her, what he had done to her, and how he'd nearly lost her. It had been on the drive over that it had started, but upon being in the room they were sharing and seeing all her things – the guilt had consumed him. For awhile he'd just sat there lost in his thoughts, wondering how things were going to work out, but then he pulled himself together quickly, knowing that she still needed him and had hurried back to wait.  
Pulling the boyfriend card and giving the sob story that was mostly true about how Manda had no one else on the nurses who had tried to kick him out had worked when he got back. Dean had charmed them into letting him stick around long after they wanted him gone. And then he'd sent Sam and Church back to the hotel a few hours ago after agreeing he'd call whenever she was awake, if she awoke that was.  
The doctor hadn't been hopeful on a time or if she would even wake up. He'd said something about an unexplainable head injury they figured had resulted from the beating, and Dean was sure it was a result of the link between her and the demon being severed. He'd kept that to himself though, because trying to explain that would have made the doctor think he'd gotten knocked around almost as hard as she had.  
But she was doing better than she had been before according to the doctor and the nurses. She was breathing on her own again, her vitals were better but not quite where they should be, and they were waiting for her to wake up. The nurses kept telling him she was a fighter each time one of them came in to check on her, and he couldn't agree more.  
Dean knew she'd pull through this, that she would fight like hell to get back. She already had, because for all intents and purposes, Manda was supposed to be dead right now.  
He'd watched her slip away, held her lifeless body in his arms for a moment, had done CPR on her, and was convinced he had felt her spirit there when the paramedics had been working on her. She had died for a few minutes, and somehow that didn't make sense to him, she'd managed to come back. He didn't even want to understand it, because all that mattered was that while everything the demon had done did in fact kill her, it hadn't succeeded in keeping her that way.  
Maybe she really was just too stubborn, and he was grateful for that quality of hers again, but wished she'd start or stop using it now to regain consciousness.  
"Come on, Manda, you need to wake up and tell me I'm soft for sitting here, and then laugh when the nurse tells you what a sweet, decent, good looking boyfriend you've got," he uttered, taking her hand in his. He stared at the rawness of her knuckles, and it reminded him of how hard she had fought against the demon and then how it had fought him while it had been in her. "All the nurses adore me since I played that boyfriend card perfectly on them, so make this worth my while for having to call myself that awful word," he said, hoping that hearing him would somehow just bring her around already.  
But there was no fluttering movement from her or any sound. And right now Dean would kill to hear her call him Winchester or laugh and joke around.  
"Even the bitchy head nurse fell for my boyish charm and good looks right after she threatened to have security throw me out. Like a bunch of rent-a-cops could really kick my ass…" He rubbed his thumb back and forth on her hand for comfort and reassurance, but it seemed useless, it wasn't working for him and it probably wasn't working for her either. "Bet that would get you up though, me having to show them how it's done… Hell, you wouldn't be able to refuse taking me on just to prove someone might be able to kick my ass," he chuckled softly.  
After a few minutes of silence, he sighed as he let go of her hand and settled back into the chair he was sitting in.  
He was tired, wishing he wasn't about to catch a moment of sleep in some crappy hospital, in some crappy chair, but that was life for him. Dean was so used to crappy he didn't know how to deal without if he had to admit to it.  
Keeping a hand next to Manda's in the hope that she'd awaken soon, he started to nod off while wondering when she would come back to him, and if she would still be his girl when she did.  
He knew this was something she had feared would happen if she let someone in again, and it was why she'd always held back from wanting more with him. It was also a reminder of why as hunters forming attachments was something to be avoided. And Dean worried all of this was enough to end whatever was left between them now as he sat there with his eyes closed and put his hand over hers again.

[ - ]

Manda's eyes and head felt heavy, and she lacked clarity as she started to come to.  
It took a few minutes before her mind started to clear a little, and her thoughts started coming back to her.  
She knew she was hurt since there was a dull but increasing pain she felt everywhere, and she tried to remember what had happened to her. But before she could, the thought of someone came to the front of her mind.  
_Dean!_ She had been with him, that much she remembered. And then it came flooding back, fighting the demon, and knowing it wanted to kill Dean. The panic set in, and so did the wonder of where he was and what had happened to him. _Oh, Dean… please be alive… please be okay..._  
It was a struggle to get her eyes open, and her voice just wouldn't come out either. But she moved her fingers though, and felt them brush against someone else's. Then she put all her effort into opening her eyes, fearing the worst at that moment – that when she did, she would still be alive and Dean would be lying near her dead.  
When she finally got them open though, it took a few minutes to focus on anything. She realized she could barely open her left eye, but it didn't matter, she knew where she was, but not where Dean was.  
Looking towards the owner of the fingers, she was almost sure they were his, but seeing him there confirmed it. _Oh, thank god, baby_ , she thought, seeing he was okay. He was right here and he was okay, and the relief rushed through her from knowing it now.  
"De-Dean," she called out to him in a weak breath of a hoarse whisper, and placed her hand on his.  
Dean's eyes shot open. He sat up straight, and greeted her with a smile. His pulse raced from the touch of her hand on his, and from knowing she was finally awake. She was back, finally back. "Hey… about time you're awake. Thought I might have to do a striptease to get you up," he teased her a little with a joke.  
Manda's chuckle was faint and short as she winced with a deep catch of breath from the pain that seemed come from everywhere and the energy it took to do the small laugh.  
Noticing her discomfort, and feeling her squeeze his hand a little tightly, Dean leaned in closer to her. "Okay, I'll keep the wisecracks to a minimum since that seemed to hurt."  
She nodded slightly. "Guess I made it then." Her voice was hoarse, scratchy, and raw. Her throat ached from dryness and had probably had a tube down it at some point for how sore it was.  
"You're very stubborn and tough," Dean said. Then he got up and kissed her forehead softly, unable to hold it back. "Extremely stubborn, actually," he whispered.  
"So I've been told," Manda said, taking in the familiar scent that was Dean as he leaned over her. She caught a trace of what smelt like her shampoo on him, and it made her wonder how long she'd been here.  
He stayed where he was, and just looked down at her for a minute. Then he brushed her cheek delicately, his fingers sweeping her skin with the lightest touch he could manage. Her face was littered with bruises and cuts, and each one of them was a bad reminder of what he'd watched happen to her, what he'd had to do to her. Her one eye was so dark and swollen that it hurt and angered him just looking at it.  
Manda closed her eyes to take in the gentle caress. Then she looked up at him, and got a better look at his face, noticing the soft bruising around one of his eyes, another on the opposite cheek, and the few small cuts – one the side of his head, another just under his eye, and one more above his eyebrow. She knew then that the demon had used her hands to do this to him, and her guilt settled in for hurting him. But it was the amount of pain his eyes seemed to hold as he looked at her that was even worse, it was breaking her heart just to see she'd caused him so much pain.  
"Sit down, Winchester. It'll be a few days until I can handle you being over me," she smirked, trying to put him at ease.  
Chuckling, he listened to her order, and sat down again. But he leaned in real close, and rested his hand on her wrist, gently rubbing his thumb in. "How you feeling?"  
"Tired and sore… but I did get my ass kicked. And I take it I'm going to have a few new scars now." From all the pain she felt, there had to be. She felt the tightness and pulling that indicated stitches in her side, and didn't even want to think about the ones down her back just then.  
Dean nodded, and didn't want to tell her one of them was one he'd given her. Where he stabbed her had been stitched up, and it was bound to leave her scarred. "One or two… and you're going to be sore for awhile."  
"Sore I can deal with, but damn, there goes bikini season," she quipped sarcastically. Whatever wounds would leave a scar would just be more to add to her collection. Some were faded, some weren't, and some where just ones that couldn't be seen for how deeply they were rooted inside her.  
"I like a chick to have some scars," Dean smirked. He was having trouble getting a read on her, her eyes couldn't give much away from the condition they were in. She seemed to be in pain, but she was acting like herself at least, well as much as he could tell anyway.  
She winced through another chuckle. "I'm covered in them."  
There was silence as both of them just stared at each other for a few minutes. The room started to fill with an awkward tension and unease. Both of them had guilt, and both of them had things they wanted to say.  
"Damn it, Manda…" Dean broke the silence first, unable to hold it in any longer. "Don't you ever pull another stunt like that again. Sam would have shown up before…" He had trailed off, unable to finish what he wanted to say – before it would have killed him, before it had hurt her even more, before he'd almost killed her himself.  
She sighed, looking away from him. "I had to, Dean… I couldn't let it… there was no way I was letting it…" she stopped. He knew how she felt about losing anyone else in a way she already had. "It was you or me… and you know which choice I'd make again without a second thought."  
He couldn't say anything for a moment, because here she was admitting she'd die for him. She loved him enough to lay her life on the line to save him, she already had, and that kind of love reminded him too much of his own – fierce, protective, loyal, and there wasn't a line that couldn't be crossed for whoever was on the receiving end of it. It was too much like what he'd do for Sam without a thought and now maybe for her too, and at that moment he felt like he didn't deserve it. He wasn't sure he knew how to handle that kind of love from and for someone else besides Sam.  
"I could have handled whatever it was going to do to me… but no, you had to go ahead and take the damn thing on by yourself, let it possess you," Dean said in a tone that held a trace of harshness. He stared at her wondering if she realized just how much pain there was in having to watch her die, but how much more was there in knowing she'd done it to save him. It hurt as much as knowing he'd stuck the knife in her side.  
"Just like you said, extremely stubborn," Manda said nonchalantly, looking straight at him again. She could see he'd thought he lost her, and how much pain was in him from that. It was all there in the normally hard eyes, and written all over his face which was usually masked by some disguise to everyone else.  
Dean couldn't stop the laugh at how casually it had come out of her, and how typical it was of her. "My kind of girl..." he stopped speaking as he heard the footsteps approaching, his hand leaving her wrist then.  
A nurse came in to check all of Manda's vitals, asked her a few questions, and then gave her something for the pain and a little water to drink. Then she looked at Dean sternly. "I know we let you stay, but she needs to rest," she said, emphasizing on the last few words.  
The nurse's tone had said she wanted him gone, so Dean nodded in reply and flashed a grin to keep up the charm. He wasn't leaving just yet and if they wanted to try to make him, they could damn well attempt it, but they wouldn't succeed.  
Manda could see behind his fake grin. He wouldn't budge from where he was, and while she liked that, she knew he needed to get some rest himself. "That means take your ass back to the hotel, Dean. Get some proper sleep, you look like crap."  
The nurse nodded in agreement at him and laughed before she left the room.  
"Soon enough," Dean chuckled. "And if you think I look like crap, just wait until you see yourself, gorgeous," he smirked. She looked awful, but she was alive, and that was all that mattered.  
"I can wait. I know it's not going to be pretty." Manda yawned at the tiredness that was sinking in. She was wiped out already. Just tired, sore, and fighting through it to stay awake now.  
"Get some rest, Manda." He put his hand over hers and squeezed it gently.  
She nodded. "Thanks for sticking around here."  
"Where else would I be? I seem to recall being told you needed me." He gave her a cocky grin. He liked knowing she needed him, but he wondered how much longer that would last once she remembered everything that had taken place hours ago.  
Her eyes got a bit teary then as she saw what was in his eyes. How he felt about her was right there at the surface of them. He loved her, but there was something else there, a mixture of things she couldn't figure out yet.  
Dean didn't want to be the cause of her tears right now, but if she was going to cry, he needed to give her some comfort. He got up, sat on the side of her bed, and leaned in close. "Hey… you're okay, just like I told you would be… no need to cry." He let his lips softly brush against hers, and then just looked at her. "You're beat to hell, but you're okay, babe."  
A few tears escaped from her, and she nodded. She reached up with one hand and cupped his face before he could pull away, needing to touch him. "Stay a little longer, Dean."  
"They can try to kick me out, Chambers, but I'm sticking around for as long as you want." He flashed his bad boy grin as he sat back down in the chair.  
She kept her head turned towards him and pressed it into the pillow. "Thank you."  
"Shhh, get some sleep. You can worry about thanking me later." He wanted to wait until she was asleep before he went. Looking at his watch, he realized it'd been over a day and was working well into the second now since he'd last slept properly. She'd been out for a total of twenty hours at this point, and now that she was awake he could finally head to the hotel and crash. She was okay, busted up pretty good, but okay, and that was all he'd been waiting to find out and putting off actual solid sleep for.  
"You need to sleep yourself, so don't stay for too long… okay, baby?" she ordered more than asked him.  
Dean nodded at her without wanting to argue about just how long he wanted to stick around.  
Manda smiled sort of sadly then because she knew he'd be gone when she woke. And soon enough he'd be hitting the road again too, but that was how it worked. And as she closed her eyes she pushed out all of that and just took comfort in the fact that he was here for now.  
It wasn't long before she was asleep, and once she started breathing deeply, Dean remembered he had something of hers in his pocket, something he had to leave her with to keep her somewhat safe once he left.  
He took out her parents rings then. She had wanted him to have them in case anything happened to her, and he'd picked them up off the ground when he thought he'd lost her. And he'd held on to them while he had been waiting to see if she pulled through this. Now that she had, and since they were hers, it was time to give them back now. But as he sat there holding them in his hand, a thought crossed his mind. A strange thought that he couldn't ignore – he wanted to see if the rings fit.  
For how well they understood each other, how much they cared about each other, how well they got along most of the time, and now having the rings in his hand after coming so close to losing her, the curiosity had rose in him.  
Dean slipped both of the thick wedding bands off the chain then, and just held them in his hand for a moment or two. This thought was crazy, not like him at all, and now he was tentative about wanting to find out. But if he didn't do it now, he'd never know.  
He slid the larger one on his ring finger on his left hand just to see, and couldn't help but chuckle out at how random it was that her father's ring fit him. It was weird, and it freaked him out a little to know that he wore the same ring size her father had. He pulled it off then, but kept it in his hand.  
Placing the smaller band on Manda's ring finger, Dean found it fit. For a moment he just stared at it, trying to absorb the weirdness in knowing both rings fit him and her.  
He didn't know if it really was just a coincidence or the cruel twist of fate that would always deny them of having that whether they ever wanted it with each other or not. Because what went with those rings was an idea neither of them entertained but in buried dreams of another life.  
Dean slid the ring off her finger, and as he slipped the chain back through both of them, he couldn't stop the look of discontent that took over his face as he felt the heartache in that moment.  
Heartache for the woman he'd nearly lost. She would always understand him, would always accept him for the good, the bad, and everything in between that he was, and would never try to change him or want him any other way. Heartache for how much she loved him, and how much he felt he didn't deserve it. And how he loved her in return, but feared it would never be enough.  
And that was when Dean realized the demon had probably been right about how he could never give her what she really wanted or needed, why she had been so reluctant to ask for more. Because he knew her well enough to know that deep down Manda wanted what her parents had had with each other. And he didn't think he'd ever be the guy to give her that, no matter how much he might want to be.  
The nurse that had come in earlier poked her head in and whispered that he should go.  
Dean nodded, and waited until she was gone. Then he lifted Manda's hand a bit, and tied the chain around her wrist before placing the rings in the palm of her hand. He closed her fingers over them tightly, and then stood up.  
The stroke he gave her face was gentle and loving before he leaned down to let his lips linger on her forehead in a kiss. His mouth went near her ear, and his whisper was so low it almost wasn't even there when he spoke. "I'm sorry I let this happen, Manda. I'm sorry."  
Dean snuck in another kiss on the side of her head, and then walked out of the hospital room with a heavy load of guilt for how he'd failed her. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to get past it, or if they'd still be together by the time he and Sam hit the road again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe you were rooting for it, maybe you weren't. Now I tried to make Dean not too soft despite everything, especially when it came to the part with the rings, and I hope that came across.  
> It would have been more believable to have killed Manda off, but maybe surviving is worse...


	21. Chapter 21

In the morning three days later, Manda decided to check herself out of the hospital a day earlier then they wanted to release her.  
She was still sore and exhausted, but if all she had to do was take it easy, avoid ripping out the stitches, and treat her wounds accordingly – she could do that at home. Physically there wasn't too much wrong with her that a little time off from hunting wouldn't heal. Emotionally, well, that was going to take a little bit longer for her to recover from.  
So, Manda checked herself out early using that as her excuse, but the truth being that she couldn't stand to spend another minute in that hospital, especially once it had clicked in that that the room she was in had been the same one her father had been in all those years ago.  
After an uncomfortable cab ride where the driver had stared at her in the mirror and basically asked her what she had done to get the shit kicked out of her, Manda was back at the hotel and pulling on a weakly worn brave face. Truth was that she was a mess inside and out. She'd been remembering bits and pieces of what had gone on, and it was eating away at her. She just wanted to get home, and once she was there, then she could break down the way she wanted to. But she wasn't home just yet.  
She made her way to Sam's room knowing Dean was there since he'd gone back to sharing with his brother while she'd been in the hospital. She smiled a little at seeing her car was safe and sound and parked right next to his in front of the room, then knocked solidly on the door and waited for it to open.  
Going to the door to answer the knock, Dean peered through the peephole first, and then flung open the door. He'd been getting ready to visit Manda, had just been waiting on Sam to head over with him, but now here she was unexpectedly. "Sprung yourself free already, Chambers? You know I would've come to get you if you had called me…" he trailed off, noticing how frail she seemed. She was just standing there shivering a little in her jeans and zipped up hoodie, trying to remain brave despite the obvious strain it was to keep up the appearance, holding her small duffle bag that he'd taken to her the day before.  
Finding herself face-to-face with a surprised and curious Dean, she smirked. "So I could wait for you to doll yourself up, Winchester? Cab was faster… and my phone is busted up worse than I am." It was true, the taxi had been the quicker option than having to wait for him, and going through the things she'd been checked in with had revealed her phone had been broken during the fight with the demon.  
Dean just grabbed the bag from her, and helped her inside in a swiftly gentle way. She seemed to be moving okay, just slower and a fair amount stiffer than normally, so he loosened the arm he'd put around her to guide her in. "Hospital's have phones, Manda. You could have called me to come pick you up," he said with a trace of hurt in his voice. He wondered why she hadn't bothered to call, if there was more to it than just a need to get out of the hospital.  
"They also have taxis hanging around out front. And beside, miss the look on your face when you opened the door? Not a chance," Manda said as she sat down on the bed Dean had brought her to, and noticed all her stuff near his. Then she looked around for Sam, discovered the bathroom door was closed and could hear the sound of water running which meant he was in the shower.  
"You okay? Why'd you check out early?" he asked, sitting beside her. He was wondering what had possessed her to pull this stunt besides being stubborn, but then knew he'd do exactly the same thing if he was her right now. He'd done it more than once before himself, and couldn't blame her for doing it.  
It was hard to keep the brave front going as she nodded before softly muttering out words she'd never thought she'd hear herself say again, and ones that were the complete truth, "I just want to go home." For the first time in almost ten years she actually wanted to go home, but she also desperately just wanted out of this godforsaken town already. It held too much pain, and too many bad memories, old and now new.  
Looking at her, Dean saw the tears rising in her eyes, and averted his gaze quickly. He hadn't been able to meet her eyes since she'd first woken up in the hospital, not wanting her to see all his guilt and pain. But he also worried what he'd see from hers, because no matter how understanding she always was, what had happened had probably changed the way she felt about him.  
"All right, Manda… I'll take you home once Sam's ready. He'll drive your car back… that okay?" he asked, but he wasn't really asking. She'd ride with him, Sam would drive her car, and Church would make the trip in her own car. That's what the plan had been for tomorrow anyway – to get her home so she could rest and heal.  
"Thanks, Dean," she whispered, softly kissing his cheek, and choking back her tears. Then she just rested her head on his shoulder, closed her eyes, and felt a little disappointed when he didn't put his arm around her. He had placed his hand lightly on her leg just above her knee instead. He'd been acting a little different towards her the past few days and she didn't want to think too much about why, so she just accepted the simple touch.  
"Don't mention it," he said quietly. He wanted nothing more than to hold her tightly against him, but didn't want to hurt her since he knew she had to be sore and bruised all over. And then there was the matter of her stitches in her back, more in her side. Not sure of where to touch her, he had settled for a simple touch that probably felt just as unsatisfying for her as it did for him.  
Both of them knew that things just weren't the same between them now as the uncomfortable silence settled in during that moment.  
So far they'd avoided talking about what had happened besides the few words shared that first day in the hospital when she'd woken up. Neither was sure how to handle this, what to say, what to make of it, or if things would be okay. They both had guilt over things that had happened, and the way they both wore it and held it close to the heart caused the doubts over what would happen with them once it was dealt with, because sooner or later it would have to be.  
Dean was leaving after he made sure she got home safely. He was going to stick around for about two days and just make sure she was settled in and really doing okay, needing the downtime himself, but then he and Sam were hitting the road again.  
At least that was the plan in place, and that was the way of the hunter life both of them knew all too well. Leaving before you wanted to was just something that had to be done sometimes, even if you wanted nothing more than to stay.

[ - ]

The six hour ride back had been somewhat uncomfortable. Dean had tried to talk to her, but just couldn't figure out the words to say, and after some short casual conversation, he'd found Manda was having just as much of a difficult time finding whatever she wanted to say. So she had taken to staring out the window before falling asleep, and then had stayed out for the rest of ride while he'd just driven back to her place listening to a classic rock station to fill the silence while occasionally glancing across the seat towards her.  
When they'd made it back, Manda had stayed around downstairs for awhile, but had been too quiet before saying she needed a little time on her own and headed up to her room.  
So the three other hunters decided to take it easy from there, relieved that this mess was over, that Manda had survived it, and that they had some time off to just hang around. They ended up talking a bit over food and drinks, and then had just settled around the house to relax for the rest of the day.  
By the time night had rolled around, she'd only come downstairs once to grab a bite to eat. Dean had seen the state of her then, and was obvious to him she'd been crying and was breaking down in private. Not that he could blame her, she'd been through enough. And he'd only given her the space because she had wanted to be left alone. He would have been there with her if she needed him to be, but she hadn't. So before she headed back upstairs, he had stopped her to ask if she was okay or if there was anything he could do, and had been surprised when Manda muttered out, "Not yet… and just come to bed in a little while, Dean," before kissing him swiftly on the cheek and going back up the stairs.  
The kiss and words had been reassuring that she wasn't freezing him out completely, so he'd waited another few hours to give her some more time, and then went to her room.  
Finding her asleep, Dean had been disappointed but also relieved that they weren't going to have to talk. So, he'd just gotten ready to go to sleep, and then slipped quietly into bed next to her. And as much as he wanted to pull her close once he was there, he held off knowing that he would have pulled her so close he would have hurt her. Instead he had fallen asleep only longing to hold the girl he'd nearly lost, unable to give in to actually doing it.  
In the morning, he awakened to find her chin just above his shoulder, her arm across him, fingers curled over his opposite shoulder. He'd slept so soundly and deeply that he had no idea when she'd gotten so close. But as nice as it was and despite how much he wanted to stay right there, he'd gotten up without waking her and left her to sleep in awhile longer.  
Now it was mid-afternoon, and they had still barely said much to each other. Neither of them seemed to have the guts to confront their issues yet, and while Dean knew it needed to be done, he didn't know where to start. So, he'd taken to working on her car and then was going to work on his own.  
Inspecting her Chevelle thoroughly, he found it did need a little work under the hood, so he took care of it with what he had and with what he found in her garage.  
Awhile later he was bringing her car to a polished shine while her iPod was playing from inside the car on a playlist that was labelled 'Dad's Favourites' kept him entertained. From it, it was obvious to him that Manda had gotten her love of classic rock from her dad much like he'd gotten his from his father.  
Zeppelin's 'The Rain Song' was on, and Dean was humming along as he worked when a tall shadow came up near him and a beer made its way to being within his reach.  
"Dude… I would have figured you'd be relaxing inside," Sam said, watching Dean grab the beer and turn around. "Or at least eating out the fridge and raiding Manda's music collection. There's a bunch of cassette tapes in the library. I don't think she'd mind if you took a few."  
"I'll do that later," Dean muttered, leaning back against the car, and then took a sip from the already opened bottle Sam had brought him.  
Sam chuckled, and leaned back against the car himself. "Manda's car didn't need any work, Dean."  
"It needed a little… and since the girl's on the mend, it might be awhile before she gets around to taking care of it." He sipped some more on the beer, kicked the ground with his boot. Sam obviously wanted to talk, but Dean wasn't sure he wanted to.  
Looking at his brother, Sam smirked. Dean would never admit it, but he was just making sure Manda wouldn't have much to worry about when they left her place in another day or so. But he knew that his brother was avoiding her a little. It was hard not to notice things seemed off between them. And while he'd filled them in on things, Dean had also avoided talking about how he'd ended up just about killing her, so Sam knew he had to press a little. "She seems better today… even talked a bit more about what happened that night with me and Church."  
Dean hid behind the beer, and swallowed hard. They hadn't said much to each, but now she'd talked to Sam and Church? He wanted to talk to her about it, find out what she actually remembered while being possessed again, if she knew what he'd done, what he'd said, but the words… the words just weren't there. "That's good."  
"Yeah." Sam saw it then, how unsure his brother was of what he should do when it came to her now. He was harbouring guilt in only the way that Dean could. "It still isn't your fault, Dean, and I'm sure she doesn't blame you for any of it."  
Gripping the bottle tighter, Dean was quiet for a minute before rubbing a hand over his face. Maybe she didn't blame him, but he worried she wouldn't be as understanding as she always was about what had gone on. "Still doesn't change that everything I told her wouldn't happen, did."  
Sam sighed heavily. Dean always took the weight of things when something went wrong. Sometimes it was like he couldn't live without having the guilt, he just seemed to need it. "There wasn't much of a way to stop it. That demon wanted her dead one way or another. You did what you could for her..."  
"Did what I could?" Dean cut him off as he snapped out the question with disbelief. "I almost killed her… if you hadn't of shown up right then, I would have killed her, Sam," he said with a hard tone. "She'd be dead."  
Sam hesitated to say anything for a minute, wondering how to make Dean see that wasn't his fault. "Look… she made the choice to let it possess her to save you, Dean. She knew she was as good as dead at that point and gave herself up knowing you'd do what you could to end it… and you tried to save her before you ran out of options."  
"It never should have gotten that far. Damn thing never should have gotten the chance to possess her again… never mind what else it got to do," Dean muttered roughly, his jaw tightening with the memories rising to the front of his mind.  
"We all know how things go. Sometimes you can't keep someone from getting hurt, and this was one of those times. Manda knows that just as much as you and I do." Sam was trying to offer some comfort to his brother, but it didn't appear to be working. "But if that demon hadn't been in her when Church and I came along, maybe she wouldn't have made it through this. Did you think about that… that by trying to save you, it helped save her?"  
Dean wasn't sure if that's how it had worked, but anything was possible. He hadn't thought of that, it hadn't even crossed his mind. He gulped down the rest of the beer then, once again hiding behind it. "Dude… unless you're going to help me out with the car, go hang out with Church, braid each other's hair, paint each other's nails, whatever it is you two do," he said with a bit of an annoyed look and a grin, then handed the empty bottle back to Sam.  
Sam scoffed, knowing Dean didn't want to talk about it anymore. So he walked away, but then stopped after a few steps and looked back at his brother. If he didn't want to talk to him, that was fine, but there was one person Dean would have to talk to sooner or later. "You love her, Dean, so when you're done hiding out here to avoid her, maybe you ought to talk to her and sort out whatever issue with guilt you've got now or you're still going to lose her." Then he continued walking to the house and went inside.  
Dean turned his attention back to the car, but he was frozen there. His hands rested on the roof and his head was bowed for a few minutes as he thought about it. Sam was right, he was avoiding Manda and if he didn't figure things out soon, he would still lose her. But he just didn't know what to say to her though, and could only hope it came to him as he got back to the task at hand.

[ - ]

Manda had been watching Dean on and off out the window.  
She'd seen the way he'd taken his time working on the cars, spending awhile on her Chevelle, fixing a few things, and then buffing it up to a glossy shine before moving on to his beloved Impala. But she also saw him trying to keep himself busy on this downtime, and caught the way he kept stopping, standing there for a few moments at a time as if he was thinking about things.  
There was plenty to think about. She'd been thinking about a lot of it herself, going over what she knew had happened while she'd been possessed. The things that demon had done and said to Dean while it had been in her. What it had provoked him to do to her, what she'd asked him to do to her. God, she had never wanted to cause him so much pain, but she had and there was no way to take it back now.  
She knew they needed to talk, because if they didn't talk now, they probably never would. He would leave, and then that would be it. Everything that had happened would have destroyed what had been building between them. What had finally become more than just a fleeting fling between the two of them would be over with. She knew that's how it would go if they let things slide like this. And even if they were kidding themselves into thinking a relationship with each other could work, the hunter life that had robbed them both of so much didn't have to take this from them now too.  
It was clear to her that he thought they were finished, though. He hadn't said much to her, could barely look at her, and yet all the pain he was trying to hide was bleeding through when he did either the last few days. He was holding onto guilt for what had happened, and it just wasn't his to have. But how to get him to see that was beyond her.  
Manda still wanted to try dating him. Even if it didn't work out, at least then she'd know it wasn't because of some goddamn demon that had nearly destroyed and already taken so much from her.  
She turned away from the window and found Church looking at her.  
"Going to talk to him or just continue to hide in here and avoid him?" Church asked. She'd seen the way they were both kind of avoiding each other. But they were both kind of stubborn when it came to being open about things, but she knew they needed to talk it out somehow. "It's kind of hard not to notice things aren't quite normal between you two."  
"I'll wait awhile still. I don't even know where to start with him, Church," she answered honestly. "He's just… well, he's just…"  
"Dean," Sam finished it for her as he came into the room. There was no other way to describe him. He knew that about his brother, and so did she.  
"Exactly," Manda sighed. He was just Dean, and she understood how he could be, but that didn't make this any easier.  
"And you're a lot like him," Sam added in then.  
Church laughed. "You got that right. He's avoiding her, she's avoiding him… they're both stubborn when it comes to confronting these things."  
Manda chuckled softly to herself, and then headed for the door.  
The mistake of allowing Dean to leave without trying to straighten this out would be stupid, and Manda was through with making stupid mistakes. A few had just about cost her life a few days ago, and damned if she was going to lose Dean by making another one now.

[ - ]

Dean was shutting the Impala's hood awhile later when he heard her voice.  
"Now that's gorgeous." Manda whistled as she walked towards Dean and eyed her car.  
He turned around and curled his lips into a cocky smirk. He looked at her, but not quite at her still. "Gorgeous, handsome, fine… any of those will do."  
She chuckled, but felt a little awkward now. Her stomach was in knots, unsure of how this would go because he still seemed to be looking right past her. "I was talking about my car… but yeah, you look good, too," she admitted, finding that he looked damn good standing there in his semi-dirty jeans and t-shirt, looking at home in front of his car.  
Leaning back against his car, Dean laughed. He couldn't help but notice she had stopped a few steps away though, and seemed a bit timid. That wasn't like her, and he found it a little strange. He nodded towards the spot beside him, and tapped on the hood, making the first move. "You know I don't bite… well, not hard enough to leave you with any lasting teeth marks anyway," he said with a smirk.  
She grinned, feeling a little more at ease then. "True." Manda took the few steps, closing the distance between them, and then leaned a little against the car when she was next to him.  
This felt awkward to Dean. He was so unsure of what to say, what to do, and he could tell it was just the same for her from her stance. Her hands were at her sides, she seemed kind of tense.  
An uncomfortable silence sat between them for a few minutes. The words that needed to be said were there, but how to get them out wasn't.  
Both of them said the other's name at the same time in an attempt to break the silence, and then they chuckled at hearing each other.  
"You can go first," he said to her.  
"We need to talk, clear the air," Manda said casually, just stating the obvious. "I don't know about you, but I'm kind of tired of the curious glances and dreadful silence."  
"I know," Dean muttered. Here it was, the moment he'd been dreading. Maybe they were done before they even really got to begin, he wasn't sure. "And it is getting tiring."  
But then the silence settled in again, and they just stood there side by side. Manda turned her head slightly and looked at him, and Dean just stared straight ahead wishing he had the guts to finally meet her gaze.  
_Jesus, Dean... just look at me already, you know I can see what this has done to you._ Manda knew he felt guilty and it was tearing him up inside, but also that she had to be the one to make things right now. Knowing it was now or never, she moved a little closer, wrapped her arm around his, and rested her head against his shoulder. "Don't even think about pulling away from me right now, or care if Sam or Church see us having a bit of a soft moment here. Because we're gonna have a moment, so you can just deal with it, Winchester." Her tone was calm, but firm so he would listen.  
His grin was amused at how she was a little bossy right now, and then he peered out of the corner of his eye to see her. _God, Manda… I should have protected you more, saved you from getting this hurt._ "Getting soft on me… and with possible witnesses, do I need the holy water again?" he asked, reaching for his back pocket to tease her, and to lighten his own thoughts. The guilt was heavy and hard, just like the pain in knowing what he'd done to her.  
"Nice one." Manda knocked her foot against his, and couldn't stop from laughing a little as she looked up at him. "But look…" she paused, taking a deep breath. "That demon has taken too much from me already and damned if I'm letting it take you too. I've see the way you look or don't quite look at me now, Dean. Full of guilt and pain, wondering if I blame you for what happened, thinking we're done for when you leave here… and I want you to know that despite everything, we're okay," she said quietly.  
Dean should have known she could see it on him, in him. She always seemed to see what he tried to hide, and everything she'd just said was how he felt each time he'd looked at her the past few days. He looked at her face, focusing on the bruises and frowned slightly. Then his eyes finally met hers to search them as he wondered how it was possible they were okay, because he wasn't sure they couldn't be after what had happened. "Are we, Manda?"  
She was quiet for a minute, just studying his eyes and seeing the pain and sorrow they held. "What happened… look, I remember some of it. Like how that son of a bitch taunted you, beat you up while it was in me, what it caused you to do to me…" she trailed off, reaching up with her other hand to lightly stroke his cheek. "God, I'm sorry for that. Sorry for how it did that… and that I caused you all this pain."  
Still staring at her, Dean felt his unease start to disappear. He had no idea why he'd thought she wouldn't understand; she always did or tired to when it came to him. And now she was apologizing for the pain she and the demon had caused him, seeming to forget all the pain the damned thing and he had given her. "I, uh, what I did to you to… Damn it, I never would have… if there was any other choice… you know I wouldn't have…" he stopped, unable to say it.  
She nodded. "I know, baby. You had to hit me, and that's okay. Same with doing what I asked you to do… that was the only choice left. Wish to God it hadn't been, but it was."  
"If that knife had gone any further in… I nearly killed you, Manda," he said, looking away from her. He had so much guilt over having to stab her, failing to protect her the way he should have, and knowing there had been no other choice when he'd done it. But the worst was that he felt it had been like what she had seen in the demon induced dream – that he had stabbed her like she was nothing more than what they hunted and loathed. "It should never have gone that far, it was like the vision you had."  
Manda sighed softly as she let go of his arm. She moved to be in front of him, then took his hand and held it over where he had stabbed her. "This had to be done, so don't you dare feel guilty over it. It's a scar I can live with, and you don't get to feel like a heartless bastard for giving it to me because doing that was anything but, Dean. And yeah, maybe it played out a little like the vision, but you weren't cruel," she said, wishing he would look at her again.  
Feeling the stitches underneath her shirt, Dean closed his eyes briefly, trying to push out the guilt he had for it, guilt she clearly wasn't going to let him get away with having. Then he looked at her again and saw what lay past her bruised eyes – there wasn't a trace of blame to be found, just the love she had for him was visible at that moment. "Sorry," he whispered, moving his hand from her then. He didn't want to feel the stitches anymore, didn't want to think about the other slash he'd given her either. "It never should have come to that, Manda. I never should have stabbed you, and you… you never should have come so close to…" he stopped, stared deep into her eyes.  
Both of them were silent as their looks traded that unspoken word – _dying._  
But she had died for a few minutes. And those had been minutes that Dean wished had never managed to tick by on the clock to create a moment that he hadn't been able to stop from happening. One horrible moment that he'd never be able to forget.  
Manda knew she had died in his arms, and looking at him now, she saw the heartache he had from it. She'd give anything to take it from him, but she couldn't. She could only try to ease it in him now."Hey… what's done is done. And if you think giving me a war wound or two gets you out of this," she paused, pointing between both of them, "think again, Winchester. You know I'd never let you off the hook that easily."  
Dean chuckled, and raised a brow. She still wanted to be with him. After everything she wasn't going to allow him to walk away without some kind of fight. She really was something else, and maybe he still felt he didn't deserve her or the love she had for him, but he wanted both. "That so, Chambers?"  
"So maybe relationships aren't either of our fortes, and they don't exactly work out too well in our line of work… but so far I think we're off to a good start," Manda smirked.  
Laughing, Dean just looked at her amused. It was a terrible start, but he knew they couldn't have expected much better given their line of work. What would a relationship for two hunters be without something like this happening somewhere down the line? At least they'd gotten it out of the way already. "Been one hell of a start so far…"  
"Sure is. Thanks to a demon, I kicked your ass, you almost killed me… but we're both still standing," Manda said, chuckling softly. "You know I won't push you for it, but if you think you can still handle it now that I'm out of this mess…"  
The choice was his, and Dean knew which one he was making. He didn't have to think twice about it, but he took a moment as if he was thinking it over just to tease her. "You know I can handle you, sweetheart. And like I told you before, I could do worse," he said in a cocky tone, and flashed a charming grin at her.  
Her grin was wide before she leaned in to kiss him, and then noticed how he sort of just held back a bit. "Dude… don't just leave your girl hanging. This is the part of the chick-flick moment where you kiss her."  
"My girl and her chick moments… and pulling off a line or two in them too," Dean paused, rolled his eyes and shook his head to tease her a little more now. He chuckled at seeing how she rolled her eyes in fake annoyance back and gave him a look that said it all.  
"Yeah, yeah, I know… deal with it, and shut up and kiss me already, Winchester," he said, and then barely let his lips meet hers. He was holding back on how hard and deep he wanted to kiss her, his hesitation to touch her was there too, and it was driving him nuts.  
"Not quite what I was hoping for, but it'll do." Manda smirked a little, but could tell he was sort of worried about touching her. He'd only seen her face, arms and hands so far, so it made sense. But she was glad he hadn't seen the rest yet, he wasn't going to like seeing that he contributed to the bruises, scrapes and stitches she was covered in.  
Dean saw the disappointment she tried to hide. He pulled her closer gently by the hips, and then kissed her the way he wanted to – deep and hard, passionate but sweet.  
"That's more like it," she uttered with a wide grin, letting her hands fall from his shoulders to his chest. "Now when you're done out here, get your fine ass inside. I want to spend a little time with my man before he gets back on the road."  
"Just need to wax my wheels, bring her to a nice shine, then I'll be in," he smirked. He looked forward to spending a little quality time with her. Just hanging around with his girl, and maybe finally getting to hold her close later that night depending on what shape she was really in. He was curious to see just how bad it was since she'd been keeping anyone from seeing very much of her.  
"By the way, thanks for working on my car and making her look gorgeous, Dean," she said, and turned her head to look at her car for a moment. "Damn she's looking hot."  
"I figured you're sporting some pretty good shiners… and she might as well match considering she usually looks as hot as you. But maybe she looks a little better than you do right now," he said with a playful smile. It felt good to be able to tease her again, and he was keeping it up as long as she was letting him get away with it.  
"Nice line. And I know my car is hot, so thanks for the compliment, baby… but you're right, she does look better at the moment," Manda laughed. Then she went to turn around only to find he stopped her by lightly grabbing her by a wrist. She looked at him questioningly.  
Dean just looked at her for a minute. "Manda," he paused, wanting to tell her he loved her, but knew this just wasn't the right moment. "I'm glad you're okay, babe," he whispered, kissed her on the forehead, and then let her go.  
She knew he wanted to say something else but had no idea what, so she left it alone. "I know you are," she said quietly.  
"Now go inside and take it easy… doctor's orders," Dean tried to say firmly, but lost the tone quickly. Then the stern look he gave her broke into a flirty grin.  
Manda chuckled and couldn't stop the amused smile that spread across her face. "Doctor's orders, hmm… can't argue with those." She gave him a light, simple kiss, and then left so he could finish working on his car.  
Dean watched Manda walk away with a grin on his face before starting to polish his car. _Got to get out those words again… let her know I love her before I leave. Third time is supposed to be a charm, right?_


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter... might be a little long, and it might get a tiny bit steamy or soft. And there will be some words Dean needs to get out... Hope whoever is reading will enjoy it!

Once Dean made his way back inside, he found Sam was doing laundry, Church was going to do some shopping since she was staying for a few more days, and Manda was taking it easy. She had just finished setting up a new cell phone to replace her broken one, and was going to watch a movie, so he grabbed something to eat, and then watched it with her.  
Then he ended up raiding her music collection, and asking more about what she remembered to find out what he wanted to know. But she still had no recollection of some moments of her possession, and he knew she'd missed hearing some important words.  
Dean figured he'd get them out later when they were alone, because they weren't exactly alone. To his disappointment, Church and Sam stuck around after dinner. It seemed they just wanted another night in to take it easy, and he just wanted them out of the way for a little.  
So he and Manda hung out until she left him alone by claiming to need some time to soak her bruises and stiff muscles, and treat her wounds before turning in for the night. That had only made Dean even more curious about what kind of state her body was in. It was hard for him not to notice the way she still moved a little stiffly at times, wincing with certain movements. He was pretty much avoiding touching her because of that, and while it was getting to him, he didn't want to cause her any more pain.  
Dean ended up just sitting in front of the TV before Sam came to talk to him about leaving tomorrow for the next job, and Church had joined them shortly after. The conversation had switched to something lighter and he grew tired of it quickly.  
Realizing he had waited as long as he could now, Dean told Sam to sleep in for an extra couple hours, and then headed upstairs with a hot shower and relaxing in bed with his girl in mind.

[ - ]

Manda had finished tending to all of her wounds, and was about to go downstairs when something caught her eye - something she'd forgotten all about. Today marked an anniversary.  
After climbing both sets of stairs to Manda's room, Dean stopped in the doorway when he saw her. Her back was to him, she seemed lost in thought, and even though he wanted to say something, he remained silent, wondering what had her completely unaware of his presence.  
Staring at the photo in her hands, Manda was flooded by emotions and memories. A few light tears streaked down her face, and she quickly wiped them away, not wanting to cry again.  
It had now been ten long years since a devastating night had set things in motion for her – the night she had let her boyfriend come along on her first solo hunt, and he had died because of it. If she'd never made that mistake then she never would have chased the demon her parents had been after in attempt to destroy herself. She never would have lost them instead, and the mess she'd just been in probably never would have happened.  
Maybe she wouldn't have all this heartache and guilt right now if things had been different, but what was done, was done. There was no way to turn time back, no way to get back all that she had lost.  
Manda placed the picture back on the dresser, touched a photo of her parents, and tried to take comfort in still being alive. She felt completely alone as she looked over the pictures of those she had lost, but at least she was alive. She turned around, and that's when she noticed Dean. _You always seem to be there when I need you most…_ "Hey."  
Dean's eyes scanned over her. The short robe she had on was tied tightly in place, keeping nothing much visible. Her knees and legs were quite bruised though, probably from how hard she'd fallen more than a few times. Her hair was pulled back and up, not hiding any of her battered face, and even though her left eye was open a little wider now, it still hurt him to look at her this way.  
She had taken such a beating, one he hadn't been able to stop, and then had added to it himself. It bugged him to think about it, so he turned to his attention to the photo she had been holding – the one of her and the boyfriend that had been killed. He knew that had happened about a week or so before her parents had been murdered by the demon, making that ten year mark around today. "That day coming up?" he asked, walking in towards her.  
"Today, actually," she answered quietly, bowing her head, not wanting him to see what the memories had brought up in her right now. He didn't deserve to see it. "With everything that's gone on lately… it slipped my mind."  
Dean felt for her, she'd just been through a lot and still had a few hard days left to deal with. "It's okay." Lifting her chin with his fingers gently, he just looked at her, the traces of pain, sadness, and guilt so apparent in her right then. That's what she'd been lost in – the old feelings had resurfaced. "You still…" he started to utter without thinking in his voice, but only his mind finished the sentence - _love him._  
He saw exactly what she hadn't wanted him to, what she'd never be able to stop from coming out when this day rolled around each year. "Love him, care, hurt… part of me always will. He was first guy I fell in love with."  
But as Manda looked into Dean's eyes then, she caught something there for a second. As tough as he was, and though he'd never admit to it, he still yearned to be loved. "But thankfully he's no longer the last as well. See, there's this guy who can be kind of an ass sometimes… goes by the name Dean Winchester."  
"That guy?" Dean played into it, smirking at seeing the way she looked at him. The pain and sadness were replaced by a warm smile that made its way to her eyes. She definitely loved him, and was just letting him know it again. "Maybe he's an ass sometimes, but that's part of his charm."  
"He's usually the love them and leave them type, but for some reason he's sticking around me," Manda teased, loving that he played along.  
"Wonder why that is," he mumbled, pressing his open lips softly to hers. "Could be he's a little sweet on you," he whispered.  
She chuckled. "A little… that's how you're going to play it, Winchester?"  
"Maybe," Dean said with a smile. But who was he trying to kid here? They both knew it was more than a little. He wanted to tell her that, but looking at her then, he just couldn't get it out.  
Manda looked at him funny, and then headed towards her bed. "What time are you leaving tomorrow?"  
"Afternoon, maybe a little later," he answered casually, following her. He didn't want to leave tomorrow, but he had to. There was a coming war to stop, still evil things to hunt and people to save.  
"All right." She didn't want him to go, but that's how the job worked.  
She had stopped to turn down the blankets, and Dean came up behind her. He placed a hand tenderly on her waist, his lips right on her ear. "I'm hitting the shower, so don't fall asleep on me just yet. Stay up a little longer, okay?" he whispered, hoping she would.  
"Sure," Manda replied, closing her eyes to take in the closeness of the moment.  
Dean walked away then, taking off his t-shirt while he was at it.  
Manda looked him over to see how much more he'd been hurt. There were a few bad bruises on his back, more down his sides, but the worst was the large, dark bruise over a section of his ribs. He'd gotten that from her. "Sorry about your ribs. Looks like it hurt."  
"You've got quite a kick, Manda, but don't worry, this is nothing. I've been in worse shape." Dean grabbed his bag and walked to the bathroom.  
"I bet," Manda muttered. Then she ditched her robe, turned on some music to drown out the noise of the shower, and climbed into bed. She would wait up, but Dean could take forever in the shower, so she closed her eyes, hoping he wouldn't take too long tonight.  
Dean had taken longer than he expected to just because the water felt so good, and when he came out in his boxer briefs, he wasn't sure if Manda was still awake. She was lying on her side, eyes closed, wearing a long tank top that reached the top of her thighs. She'd left the lamp on his side of the bed on, and hadn't bothered to cover up yet, as if waiting for him. And then he heard the music, the live version of Free's 'Be My Friend' was just starting.  
He got into bed, sitting up with his back against the headboard. He was hesitant to lie down and throw his arm over her as he took in the bruises and scrapes scattered on her thighs. There was something he wanted to ask her, and now he needed to even more.  
Manda wondered what the delay was. She was longing to have Dean next to her, for him to hold her as close as he could. She opened her eyes, and looked up at him. "Want to get that light and join me down here?"  
Dean's grin was small. "In a minute, could I, uh… mind if I get a look at your back first?" He just needed to see the end result of what she had endured when he had failed to protect her.  
Tensing a little, she had figured that would come up tonight. There was no sense in hiding it anymore. She sat up straight, raising her knees slightly in front of her. "Knock yourself out. It's quite a masterpiece," she chuckled wryly, pulling the tank top off slowly.  
He knew it was bad as soon as she'd sat up, but her bare shoulders had only given away a hint of it. Dean's breath caught in his throat with a hard, silent gasp, his eyes widened with shock, and his jaw tightened with anger when she held the tank top to her chest. The screams she'd let out that night echoed in his head. _Goddamn that son of a bitch…_  
The four slashes had been ripped open longer, wider, and obviously deeper. All of them were now the same length, running down from the top of her right shoulder and ending just below her waist. Her left shoulder was covered in a huge, dark bruise, and lighter ones were scattered down both sides of her back.  
Manda could sense his hard stare and the mixture of emotions coming from him.  
He leaned in behind her. "If that bastard hadn't of kept me pinned…" Dean started, but stopped when hearing his own growl of a voice. He touched her left shoulder then, his fingers tracing over the bruise, hoping the gentle touch would calm him.  
She shivered. He wasn't hurting her, but she hadn't expected him to touch her now.  
As his fingers and eyes swept down, Dean caught sight of the stitches in her left side from where he'd stabbed her. The anger was so bitter he could taste it, the regret burning deep inside. His hand flattened over on the curve of her hip at the same time he kissed the top of her bruised shoulder. "So much for keeping you safe… sorry I let this happen," he said in a remorseful tone, straightening up, and then helped pull the tank top down when she put it over her head.  
Manda shifted onto her hip to face him. "Dean, don't… you did what you could when you could."  
"It wasn't enough… but messing with my girl is right up there with messing with my brother and my wheels. You might be able to do it once, but it's not happening again," he told her, the protective tone so strong in his voice.  
She smiled, loving the fierce protector he was. "I like when you get all badass and protective over me, but occasionally getting your ass kicked this badly is in our job description."  
Dean smirked smugly, because regardless of how tough she was, Manda actually liked him protecting her. "True. So how long are you off?" He had to ask, wondering how long she'd take to let herself heal.  
"A few weeks." Manda had already decided she wasn't hunting for awhile after this. She needed time to not only to heal, but to wrap her head around everything.  
"You'll get bored quickly," he stated out an obvious fact. Dean knew the time off would get to her fast. Hunters always got that itch if they were out of the game too long.  
"Uh huh, which is why I was thinking… maybe I could meet up with you and Sam once the stitches are out, tag along for a bit?" Manda posed the idea in a curious tone.  
If she wanted to join them on the road, he would gladly welcome her. It made sense for her to join them now that they were together. It would be easier for him to protect her that way, and he could enjoy the benefits that came with having her around. "Sounds good," Dean responded coolly, suppressing a thrilled grin.  
She raised a brow in question, smiling softly. "Yeah?"  
"Might be time for a new roommate, but I don't know if you'll be able to put up with me and Sammy for very long." He chuckled, wondering how that would go.  
Manda couldn't refuse teasing him a little. "Isn't Sam the one that'll have trouble putting up with us? Especially when he'll be losing his big brother's cuddling each night."  
"Oh, Chambers… you're gonna pay for that," Dean threatened in a playful tone while instinctively going to grab her by the waist, and then just stopped, not wanting to hurt her. "Okay, maybe not."  
"Dean, I'm not going to break if you touch me like you usually do." Manda had noticed he kept all touches light and simple, when he did touch her that was. He barely had, and she wanted nothing more than his arms around her, his hands on her. She was craving the gentle glide of his rough hands, his skin on hers, and to feel completely loved and safe inside his strong, protective arms for awhile.  
"I'm not so sure about that," he uttered. She had no idea how desperately he wanted to touch her like he normally would, to just let his hands travel over her. How much more he ached to feel her heart beating, her pulse racing, her breath on his skin, the warmth of her body against his. All of that meant she was alive unlike when he had held her lifeless body in a moment he was longing to forget.  
Manda wanted to laugh but couldn't when she saw the look on his face. She could see how much he longed to really touch her, to feel her, to be with her. Why didn't he realize she wanted that just as much? "We can… you won't hurt me if that's what you're worried about."  
Dean looked at her amused, but she'd only made him want her so much more now that it was like an itch he couldn't scratch, because he had to hold back or he would hurt her. He shook his head with disbelief over having to be the voice of reason. "Manda, you're battered, bruised, have a shit load of stitches in your back, more in your side. You'll end up hurt one way or another."  
"Would being in this shape stop you?" She looked at him questioningly, but already knew his answer.  
He scoffed. She was putting him on the spot with an unfair question. "No, but that's… you're not me..."  
"I'm not asking you to bang the hell out of me here. You know how to be gentle, and I can handle that." Manda leaned in closer so her lips were an inch from his, and whispered, "So I'm a little beat up and quilt patchwork stitched together, I'd still like to feel a little of my man's loving before he leaves."  
Dean kissed her intensely upon hearing her admission. She just wanted to be loved by him, and it'd be so easy to let her feel it, but her injuries still had him apprehensive. "You know I'm all for it, but…"  
"But I just want to be reminded I'm alive, because I know I shouldn't be," Manda cut him off. She stared straight into his eyes, and touched his cheek lightly with her fingertips. "I think you understand that more than anyone, Dean… needing to feel alive, something other than guilt and pain, to let go of all the loneliness, the emptiness, the sadness that's so deep inside. You always take care of that for me when all I can feel is you."  
She had nailed it. Dean ached to feel alive on most days, something other than his pain and guilt tearing him apart, and always wanted to let go of the loneliness, emptiness, and sadness he carried around. And he was always able to for awhile when he was with her, all of it disappearing when all he could feel was her while he lost himself with and in her.  
It took a moment to sink in – this was just one more thing they shared in common, one more thing to understand about each other now.  
His lips crashed on hers, the hunger in his kiss making her lips part quickly. He couldn't deny her of something he wanted just as much, and needed to feel her existence combining with his now, because Dean knew as just much as Manda did that while their situations weren't the same, both of them shouldn't be alive right now.  
She was demanding his mouth stay locked to hers with an urgency that was hard to hide as she climbed over him in a straddle.  
Dean let his hands run over her delicately, but froze when she exhaled sharply. One of his hands was under her shirt, rubbing the stitches in her back. "Sorry."  
"Don't be," Manda whispered, smoothing her thumbs over his cheeks. "I'm all right."  
He moved his hands to her thighs, his fingers trailing over the scrapes on the right one. "Sure you can do this, babe?"  
"The bruises are nothing, keep the stitches in mind, and be a bit tender with me tonight," she reassured him. "Slow… sweet… gentle," she whispered, kissing him softly between each word. "And then hold me real close."  
Rolling them over slowly, and not actually being on her just then, Dean wanted her to know he was going to be attentive. "If you need to stop, or you're in any pain, don't even try hiding it from me. I mean it," he said firmly, watching her closely for any signs of discomfort at being under him, but she seemed fine.  
"I won't," she quietly agreed.  
"Then we'll go…" Dean's whispered trailed off in her ear as he gently bit the lobe. "Slow… sweet… gentle…" he whispered each word between a light kiss and a soft bite down her neck. Then he kissed harder just to feel her pulse quickening below his lips.  
Manda moaned at feeling how slow he was going, the way his breath was hot and crawling over her skin. He kept his kisses going down, and she closed her eyes, savouring the way he felt. Then he just stopped, and she wondered what was wrong. "Dean?"  
Sighing, Dean sat up off to the side of her. Sliding up her tank top had revealed more bruises from where he knew he'd punched her in the stomach and ribs. But seeing the scabbed line from the slash and the stitches in her side had made him stop even though he didn't want to. The reality of what had happened and the possibility of hurting her again was overwhelming for him right then. "As much as I want this to happen right now, and that's a hell of a lot by the way…" he got quiet as he shook his head, rubbed a hand hard over his face. "I don't want to hurt you," he abruptly blurted out the truthful confession.  
Sitting up beside him, she put her hand over his between them. "I'll be okay… I'm in good hands, ones I completely trust."  
Dean turned his head, and then stroked her cheek sweetly with his other hand before it settled there. His eyes intensely searched hers with wonder, one major question that'd been running through his head the last few days on his mind then. "How the hell did you did make it through this, Manda?"  
It was a question she'd asked herself numerous times over the last few days, but Manda shrugged awkwardly, not really wanting to think about it again. "I don't know… just try not to think about it."  
"But almost losing my girl," he whispered, sneaking in a soft, open kiss, "is kind of hard to not think about."  
She climbed over him again, cupped his face, and rested her forehead against his. "I know, handsome… and I don't know what I would've done without you there," she admitted then. "I needed you… still do."  
Those words were it for him. He kissed her with the intense desire he'd been trying to keep back. Taking it slow was going to be hard, his hands were already going for her tank top with his need to feel her skin on his.  
She broke away just long enough for him to get her shirt off, and then her lips sought his with her need for him. He edged them over, and she noticed how gently he eased her beneath him.  
"Manda…" Dean said, breaking away. "I-I… you know that I-I…" he stammered, choking on the words as he gazed down at her intimately. _I love you,_ his mind shouted out what he couldn't say. Trying to get the words out when she could actually hear them this time around was too nerve-racking for him.  
Reading him, Manda knew what he was trying to tell her. She put a finger to his lips. "It's all right," she whispered, pausing as she took his face in her hands. "There's no need to say it when showing me will always be enough," she reassured him, kissing him deeply.  
"Good to know," Dean murmured against her lips, shutting out as much of the hunter in him as he could, ready to show Manda just how much he did love her now.

[ - ]

Waking to discover Manda was tucked securely under his arm with his hand covering hers, Dean smirked.  
He'd made love to her tenderly last night, just taking his time to let her know how he felt. Then he had held her as close as he could, finding it must not have been close enough as she had only pulled his arms tighter around her before falling asleep in them.  
Manda was somewhat soft and sweet when she stopped being strong and stubborn, and Dean had to admit he liked knowing that the woman beside him wasn't afraid to be vulnerable around him anymore. Sometimes all she needed was for him to be the stronger one. He liked that it was happening a little more often lately, because even though he had no qualms about just how tough she really was, he still needed to be the stronger one in their relationship. And whether she wanted it or not, he was going to look out for and after her as much as he could now.  
Dating him made Manda a bigger target than she already was, and his protective side was anxious about leaving her. Being a hunter still didn't mean she would be safe once he left. But for the moment, he took comfort from knowing that she was safe, because she was right where she belonged now – with him.  
Dean pressed himself a little closer to her, and tightened his hold around her. For now he was able to watch over her, but in a few hours he would be gone. So, he just wanted to enjoy this while he could and spend what little time there was left before he got back on the road right here with his girl.  
Manda awoke with a minor jump at the breathing on the back of her neck. Then she realized it was only Dean as his muscular arm pulled her closer to him, and his fingers squeezed hers a little harder.  
For as tough as he was almost all of the time, Dean could still be tender and sweet when it counted. He had been fairly gentle with her last night, showing her more of what he buried deep down inside of himself. And although she loved the strong guy that he was, she liked getting to see a bit more of the softer part of himself that he hid.  
Dean loved her, even if he couldn't come out and say it to her, and now she realized there was something she needed to do before he left today.  
Sighing softly then, Manda wished it wasn't morning. She felt safe, content, loved, and wanted it to last for as long as it could, because in a couple hours it was time to say goodbye to her man for a little awhile. But right now she just wanted to enjoy what time they had left together, and to spend a few more minutes here with him like this.  
Hearing her sigh, Dean knew she was awake. "Mornin', gorgeous," he whispered sweetly behind her ear.  
"Morning, sunshine," Manda said, smirking a little.  
Letting go of her hand, Dean snaked his fingers up her arm. "Time to get up soon..." he sighed.  
"I know… and there's not much time before you go, we slept in kind of late." She moved more onto her back and looked at him.  
He saw how her eyes betrayed her voice with the sadness she was trying to hide. "Your bed makes it easy to do that." He smirked.  
"And here I thought it was the company," Manda laughed softly. He was trying to keep things light, but she saw the discontent in his grin.  
"Hmm… that might help a little too," Dean teased her as he let his fingers run over the sheet along her chest now.  
Pulling his hand away from her collarbone, and putting his arm back over her, Manda stared up at Dean. "I love how you're trying to distract us both from thinking about how you're leaving… but can you just hold me for a little longer?"  
Dean just grinned, knowing he would give in. If he had to be honest about it, her softer moments weren't so bad, and holding her close now was easy. "You're such a typical girl sometimes, Chambers," he muttered, rolling onto his back.  
Manda turned, kissed him swiftly, and then rested her head on his shoulder. "Mm-hmm… but shut it, Winchester. You've got a soft spot for me, and like when I need you this way."  
He could only chuckle because she was right, but he wasn't about to say it out loud. "A few more minutes and then I need to get ready to go," Dean said, putting his arm around Manda in order to hold her close for a little while longer before getting ready to leave his girl behind.

[ - ]

About two hours later, Manda walked out of the house and stood on the porch watching Sam and Dean toss their bags into their car.  
She didn't know how to do what she needed to before he left. _He can handle it… he's strong enough to handle me, the girl moments I spring on him. He'll manage…_  
She clutched the ring tightly in her hand. _Maybe you wouldn't like Dean very much, and you'd probably rip me a new one seeing that he's a Winchester… but, Daddy, you made me promise… and I love him._  
Smiling as both brothers approached the house, Manda quickly slipped the ring into the pocket of her jeans.  
Sam stopped a few feet away on the porch, and Dean leaned back against the railing closer to her.  
"Guess it's time for you boys to take off," she said quietly, looking from brother to brother.  
"Yup," Dean muttered, looking away from her. _Work up your nerve, Winchester. She had the balls to tell you… shouldn't be too hard to find yours and tell her again._  
"Thanks for everything… and if you ever need anything, just ask. I owe you guys my life after all." It was true, and there wasn't much Manda wouldn't do for them now, especially when it came to Dean.  
"We're just glad you're okay, Manda," Sam told her while noticing how awkward Dean appeared then.  
She smiled. "Sam, if you hadn't of come along when you did… I would've… well, thank you." She took a few steps towards him, and tossed her arms around him in a light hug.  
"Don't mention it. You needed help, we were here, and it all worked out," Sam told her.  
She hugged him a little tighter then, stretching up to as close to his ear as she could. "I know Dean's a pain in the ass sometimes, but he means well, and we both love him for it. Look after him for me, okay?" she whispered low enough so only he'd hear it.  
Sam chuckled as she dropped the hug and stepped back from him. She knew his brother alright. "You know I will."  
Dean cocked his head with a curious expression as he wondered what she had said. Then he glanced at Sam, showing he wanted a few minutes alone with her now.  
Sam took one look at his brother, and knew it was time to leave them alone. "I uh… forgot to tell Church something," he said, heading for the door.  
"Thanks again, see you soon, Sam," Manda called out.  
Sam stopped with one hand on the handle of the door, and looked back towards them. "Guess it will be soon… and maybe a little more often now that you're his…"  
"Dude, don't say it unless you're looking to get hurt," Dean cut Sam off, and shot him a look.  
Manda laughed. "Dean's right… but yeah, I'll see you soon."  
Sam scoffed. "But you are his girlfriend, Manda," he chuckled as he went inside.  
"I'll kick his ass for that," Dean grunted in an annoyed tone, and then smirked as Manda nodded at him with a 'please do' look.  
They got quiet then, realizing they were alone now, and neither knew how to get out the things they wanted to right then.  
Manda put her hands in her pockets, grabbed the ring, and held onto it.  
Dean stood up straight, and just looked at her, trying to work up his nerve still. "So..."  
"So, I'll come meet up with you in about two weeks. That still okay?" she said, removing her hands from her pockets and going to stand in front of him.  
A pleased smirk formed on Dean's face as he gently pulled her against him. "Works for me."  
Taking one of his hands off of her waist, Manda pulled it between them. She placed the ring in his palm, curled his fingers shut over it, and then put her hand over his. "It doesn't come attached with a commitment or the hope for one someday. You don't have to wear it either… but I want you to have it, okay?"  
Dean didn't know what to say as he felt the circular shape in his hand. She was giving him her father's ring, and it completely freaked him out for a second. But then his eyes searched hers to see she meant what she'd said. There were no expectations for more than what they had with each other now; she just wanted him to have the ring. "I-I… I can't take this from you, Manda," he stammered, finding he wanted to open his fingers to hand it back, but couldn't do it.  
"Shhh," she whispered. "I'm only honoring the promise to my dad, and even if we don't last… you know you're as close as it'll get for me, Dean." She squeezed his hand, and then let go, hoping he'd keep the ring.  
He nodded, opened his fingers, and looked down at the ring. If only she knew it fit him. Holding it securely between his fingers, he peered back up at her, and then reached out with his other hand to caress her face. "You're sure?"  
"Yeah." She smiled as he put the ring in one of his pockets.  
"I'll keep it safe… you might want it back one day." He didn't think she would though, because he knew she was right – even if they didn't last, he was as close as she'd get to finding someone she wanted to give it to.  
"No, it's yours now," she said as her lips met his.  
He kissed her with a whole lot of love, and found his nerve was finally worked up as he pulled back. "So, I, uh…" he stopped, clearing his throat as it tightened with unease, choking on the words yet again. He looked away from her, thinking that made it easier. "I love you," he mumbled the admission out so fast and so low, the three words sounded like one. And then he felt like an idiot. She'd had the courage to tell him before, and now had given him her dad's ring too. _God, I'm such an ass sometimes… it shouldn't be this hard to tell her. Just say it… she already knows anyway, just needs to hear it now…_  
Manda stifled a laugh, but couldn't stop from smirking a little. She knew what he was up to, and how difficult it was for him. "Sorry… I, uh, didn't catch whatever you mumbled. You wanna try it again?"  
Dean gulped. It was time to man up, time to let her know, time to say those words the way she should hear them. _Now or never… just say it._  
He inhaled sharply, his eyes soulfully searching her. He saw how her love for him was written all over her in this moment, and then his mind flashed back to last night, seeing the utter love and trust her eyes held when she'd stared into his. The strength to say it finally hit. "I love you," he said in a soft, husky tone. It unnerved him to say it out loud, but it had to be done. It wasn't like he'd ever have to say it again, he knew hearing it once would be enough for her.  
She was silent for a moment. The three words hung between them as her eyes went wide, her lips slightly parting with a silent gasp. Manda almost didn't believe that Dean Winchester – Mr. Badass with quite the reputation for fooling around with women but never quite falling in love – had actually said it out loud. Her lips broke into a wide grin. "About time you said that."  
Dean just smirked, noting that when he had finally gotten serious enough to say it, she had played it like he would have. And that was one reason why he did love her. She didn't make a big deal out of it, or try to turn it into more of a moment. But the spark in her eyes that said she was pleased to have heard him say it was there. "I've said it before… you just didn't hear it at the time."  
Her mouth crashed to his for a passionate kiss, and then she held his face in her hands. "Well, now you've told me, so go on… get out of here, Winchester. You've hung around long enough."  
"That's what I get for saying it?" Dean gave her a humorous look. "I get a little soft, try to have a moment here, and you tell me to go, Chambers?" he asked, pulling her right against him.  
Manda got serious then, put her arms around him, and just looked at him. "Dean, you already know that I love you too," she softly whispered, and gave him a lingering kiss.  
"Moment's gone, but that's more like it." Dean kissed her deeper.  
She smirked, and then just hugged him. It was time for him to go, and the sadness kicked in. "Take care of yourself," she said quietly.  
Embracing her closely, Dean's lip found her ear. "If anything happens or you need something, you call me. Got it?"  
Manda nodded. "I will."  
Sam came out of the house then, gave them a comical look, and headed to the car.  
"That's my cue to go," Dean muttered, wishing there was more time, but there wasn't.  
She just looked at him, her eyes seeming to say the silent words – _I'll miss you._  
Reading her, he chuckled softly. "Hey… you'll see me soon." Then his mouth collided with hers for a hard kiss that left them both a bit breathless when it was done.  
"I'll miss that too," Manda said, grinning foolishly.  
He could only nod with a naughty smirk. "Bye, Manda."  
"See you soon, baby." She kissed him passionately and lovingly one more time.  
"Gonna be a long two weeks," he said in a low tone. It would be a long two weeks for him. Rules of the road no longer applied, and he was in for some lonely nights until she met up with him.  
Manda laughed, but had to agree… it was going to be a long two weeks. "I'll make it up to you."  
Grinning, Dean kissed her forehead. "I'll hold you to that." Then he walked away, leaving her behind.  
"Dean?" Manda called out as he got down the stairs.  
Dean stopped, and turned back around to look at her. "Yeah?"  
She threw him a small object, smirking when he caught it. "If you and Sam find yourselves in the area or just need a break, feel free to put that to use."  
Looking in his hand, Dean grinned at seeing a key. "Sure feels like a commitment to me now," he chortled.  
Manda laughed. "It's not the key to a castle, just a house I rarely come to."  
"True… so if I wanted to meet you here for one of those weekends?" He gave her a naughty grin.  
She matched his grin with her own. "You can let yourself in without picking the lock."  
"Where's the fun in that?" he chuckled, pocketing the key, wondering when or if he'd get a chance get to use it. "See ya soon, babe."  
"You bet… bye, Dean."  
Walking to the his car, Dean felt her eyes on him. "Quit checking out my ass, Manda," he called out, and looked over his shoulder at her.  
Laughing, Manda just shook her head with a sheepish smile. "Can't blame a girl for admiring the view, can you?" she retorted.  
"No… not when it looks this good." Dean's grin was cocky as he got in his car. He fired up the engine, and just looked through the windshield at his girl.  
Sam took one look at his brother, and shook his head with an amused smirk.  
"What?" Dean asked, catching the glance from across the seat.  
"Nothing… just, did you tell that girl you love her?" Sam had been waiting to bug him about that, and now was his chance.  
"Sammy…" Dean's voice held a warning in it as he turned the car around, took one last lingering look in the mirror at Manda, and tried to stuff down his grin. He had told her, because there was no more fighting it – for two hunters that usually avoided this emotion because it just didn't seem to work in their lives or line of work – this was love. It wasn't conventional or even logical when the odds were never on either of their sides, and would now end up being even more against both of them for being together.  
Maybe they wouldn't last long, but since Manda was willing to try and so was he – they were going to take what they could get for the time being. That's all a hunter could do when it came to finding something good once in awhile in their crazy lives, and Dean knew he'd found something good with her. "Shut up," he ordered.  
"Dude… you did!" Sam exclaimed with surprise. "You actually told her."  
Cuffing Sam upside the head like only an annoyed but loving big brother could do, Dean chuckled. "That's the first of many if you keep it up," he warned with a smirk, and chuckled again to hide how he felt as Sam rolled his eyes at him.  
However kind of lame and new it was to him, Dean already missed his girl a bit, and felt a little lonelier as he turned the Impala out from her driveway and was now back on the road.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it. Did you see it ending up that way? And Dean got out those words, and I still hope so many years after writing it, that I got it right on how he might do so. Maybe you like the ending, maybe you don't, but I hope you've enjoyed the story and could see it in your head as you read.  
> Also hope you like Manda with Dean. She is my creation/character (and so is Church,) and my take on the kind of woman that would probably get to Dean. Writing their banter was fun and somewhat difficult at times, and their awkward and softer moments are much the same. I found it works for them to switch between all that, and that their softer moments tend to run a little awkward. So, there are two more stories with them that I had started back in 2010 (one of them is even about half written) and never finished. Now, having watched the show from day one until the end (😭) this year, that end made me want to go back and actually finish those stories. So I've been working on that and hope to get them up soon.  
> Anyhow, just hope I did the Winchester boys some justice with how I wrote them, including my take on Dean, since they are not my characters.  
> Lastly, while I'm totally curious as to what anyone reading thinks about either story, just let me say this - whether you liked it or not, comment or not, leave a kudos or not, bookmark or not - thank you for reading!


End file.
